writervally

Yes, I know this is only my second post, but I'd like some readers and feedback for my newest project. I'm very open to critique and such, so have at it!

Synopsis: This is the story of Liah and Rufus Wickerby, who live in the sky above earth, where there are rivers, forests, deserts, the whole shebang, just like Earth but suspended in the air. This land is known as Aerogaela. Their life is normal until one day their inventor father mysteriously disappears. Now they have vowed to find him, traveling in a hot air balloon Rufus built. But their course gets thrown off when they crash-land theor balloon on Earth and pick up a young boy named Sebastian who will help them on their quest. They will meet many friends along the way, but also some enemies, as their search will thrust them into the middle of the struggle going on in their land.

Sorry, I didn't know that was going to be so long... Here goes.

Chapter One: The Red Balloon

Rufus slammed the door. "Lilah?" he called. "LIIILAH!"
Lilah came running, her white-blonde hair flowing out behind her. "What is it, Rufus?" she asked, ever eager.
Rufus put on his widest smile and brandished a small, rectangular piece of plastic. "I’ve got it!"
"Yes!" Lilah punched the air and did a little dance, her dirty bare feet slapping against the wooden floor. "Your pilot’s license!"
His pilot’s license. What he’d waited for since birth. Never mind that it had taken him much effort to get it...people didn’t take kindly to him in this town. But they didn’t matter. All that mattered was--
"We can leave now!" Lilah finished his thoughts. C’mon, let’s go, while it’s still light!" She was jumping with excitement.
"Right behind you, Lilah," Rufus said, trying to keep the weariness out of his voice. After all, Lilah was all he had in life--Lilah and the balloon.
A few moments later he was sitting in the basket of his beautiful balloon, which Lilah had named The Red Warrior. It was his most prized material possession, because he’d started building it with his father, when he was nine. He was now sixteen, and balloon represented half of a lifetime’s hard work. It was packed and ready with food to last them for a month, extra clothing, all the money they’d been saving for months now, and everything else they could think of that they’d need on the journey. They had been ready for this day for almost a year now. Rufus quickly adjusted all the gas levers to their proper positions, and the balloon began to rise.
Lilah shouted in excitement. The last time she had been flying was with her father, more than a year ago. Now they were going on an adventure, just she and Rufus. The Red Warrior took to the air easily, and soon the currents carried it away from their old house and into the clean, wonderful air.
They rose very high, until all Lilah could see of her neighborhood were tiny dots of brown cottages, green circular hoverpads, and the narrow, jagged blue ribbon of Scar Creek. Lilah leaned over the side of the basket to get a better view, and laughed as a gust of wind hit her face. "This is great!" she declared, and did not speak for quite some time, so deep was her fascination.
Rufus, meanwhile, was carefully paying attention to the gas levels and current patterns. All in all, it was a perfect day for flying, and he couldn’t be happier. He was born to fly, to leave the ground behind, and to explore greater heights than anyone else. And they would. Just he and Lilah. A year ago Father would have been along as well, but he couldn’t think about that. It only raised difficult, unsettling questions about Father’s disappearance. Questions that did not have answers.
Fortunately, Lilah picked that time to ask, "Tell me about Mrs. Milton and her balloon."
"That old story again?" Rufus said. Lilah nodded fervently.
"All right," he obliged, as he always did. "Mrs. Milton wasn’t the brightest of people, and one day she went flying in her balloon and went out of hover platform range. Now, everyone knows that once you’re out of platform range the currents get stronger. And there’s nothing to catch you if you fall. And, lo and behold, Mrs. Milton, who was not the best flyer, ended up in a strong current. The current knocked her this way and that, and she couldn’t keep her balance and fell!"
"Oh, no!" Lilah cried. "What happened then?" she asked, even though she’d heard the story more times than Rufus could count.
"Well," he replied, with a dramatic pause, "Luckily, Father was nearby, flying his balloon. He saw Mrs. Milton in danger, and even though he knew he would risk falling, he flew his balloon, fast as he could, all the way out of range and caught Mrs. Milton just in time. Then he fought the vicious currents all the way back to the safety of the town and put Mrs. Milton on her own two feet again, safe and sound."
"And what happened to Mrs. Milton’s balloon?"
"Well, it was too big to save. It fell down, down, into darkness, and was never seen again."
Lilah’s eyes widened. "Fought the vicious currents. That’s my favorite part."
"Mine too," Rufus agreed. "Dad was a real hero--"
But the rest of his sentence remained unsaid, interrupted by a sudden, strong gust of wind that rocked the balloon violently.
"What was that?" Lilah asked sharply.
"I don’t know," said Rufus, checking his current readings. "The air currents are going haywire! I don’t understand it!" Another gust jarred the basket, followed by more and more. The currents were totally random, not following any natural pattern.
"Lilah, put your safety harness on," Rufus ordered.
"Umm," Lilah mumbled.
"Put it on!" he cried as he strapped his own on.
"I sort of...forgot it at home," she said.
"Oh, Lilah, you’re not serious!" Rufus had to scream, the wind was so strong.
"I’m sorry!" she shrieked back. Another gale sent her flying to the other side.
"Come here, use mine, we’re way out of platform range!" he said, pulling her to him against the wind. Just as she was about to reach him, the wind changed directions, and she pitched forward, hitting her head hard on the gas tank and falling.
"Lilah!" Rufus screamed. But she was out cold at the bottom of the basket, and he could not reach her. Suddenly, the wind became so strong that it tipped the basket completely upside down. Rufus’s safety harness held him inside, but Lilah dropped limply from the basket and fell down, down into nothing.
"Lilah!" he screamed desperately. But she was gone.

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SparkyLT

I really like the way it begins, and I love the name: Aerogaela. It's cool how it jumps staight into the story, too.

Someone said this to me and it really made my day, so I'm gonna say it to you.
"You have incredible jaw-dropping talent. Keep writing. "

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Short Story: A Brother's Love
If I crit you, return the favor with one of these. And if you give me a link, I'll try to return the favor.
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Sen Yama

That ending is so sad! hurry up and save her!

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http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...-darkness.html Flirting with darkness, a poem

alanmt

very good beginning

On the one hand, I like how you get into the action right away; it definitely grabs the readers and makes us hold on. On the other hand, it would be nice if you would slow it down a bit, and take a few more words to set the scene and introduce us to these two young adventurers. Tell us about the quest to find their father in the story. Explain how Lilah forgot her harness and Rufus forgot to make sure that they had it when the trip has been planned so long (excitement of the moment, of course, but worth explaining.) How is the food and equipment secured?

all in all, very cool stuff!

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writervally

thanks for all the comments! alanmt, I will definitely take your advice into consideration. Thanks!

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writervally

Okay, since I really have nothing else to do on this fine day, I'll post Chapter Two. It's not quite as exciting as Chapter one, but...whatever.


They had had a fight last night, a really bad one, and Sebastian knew that things would be tense the next afternoon when he came home from school, but he did not expect the silence.
When he came inside, he was used to seeing a mess in the kitchen from his dad’s meals, or finding his dad sprawled in front of the blaring television. But the house looked just as it had that morning, impeccably cleaned by his mother before she went off to work. And it was quiet, quieter than he had ever known.
He stomped into the kitchen, just to make noise. His footfalls echoed. "Dad?" he called, shedding his backpack. "Dad?"
He ran through each room, calling for his father, but everywhere was silent and empty. At last, he arrived in his upstairs bedroom. He was about to throw open the window and call into the backyard when he saw the letter.
It lay quiet and unassuming on his windowsill, and was addressed to him in his father’s handwriting. Sebastian picked it up with shaking hands and a bad feeling in his gut. He knew almost for certain what the letter would say.
But all afternoon, he could not bring himself to open it. He spent the afternoon alone, watching TV, playing computer games, and working on his sky maps.
The sky maps consumed him, took everything off his mind. That’s why he liked them. Ever since he was small, he’d had dreams of rivers flowing through the sky. There were people there, too, who smiled down at him and wave. Sometimes in his dreams they would invite him to join them, and he’d take off in--strange as it sounded--a hot-air balloon, and leave his cares behind. They were beautiful, vivid dreams, and because of them he had been inspired to write a story about the people who lived in the sky.
Needless to say, he hadn’t actually started writing the story yet. But he had ideas. He had drawn maps and illustrations; he had everything planned out in his head.
He spent so much time working on it that he tended to forget about other important things, like school. Who needed school anyway? The teachers always encouraged students to ask questions, but the second Sebastian had a question that they couldn’t answer, they claimed he was being disruptive. Half of the time he spent at school was used up in the principal’s office, but it didn’t matter anyway. He already knew what all his classes were teaching anyway, it wasn’t as if he were missing out.
But his mother did not understand this. She thought, like all the teachers, that because he didn’t do his work and got in trouble all the time, he was unintelligent. --Not so, Mom, he thought. Anyway, what would she know? All she ever did was yell. Her job, which took up almost all of her time, was to yell at other people at some big company. And in her few moments of spare time, her hobbies were to yell at Dad and to yell at him, Sebastian.
And now, because of the yelling, the house was quiet.
--Maybe I should go outside, where there’s at least the noise of animals and cars and things, Sebastian thought.
So he trudged outside, where the sun was setting, fat and orange, sagging out of the sky. The grass had turned that funny bright green, light-filled evening color. Sebastian climbed the hill in his backyard. The hill was his thinking spot, like a great, bald head surrounded by the thick woods that sheltered the house. He climbed to the summit, and there, among overgrown grass and dandelions and mosquitoes, he decided to open the envelope. He tore it open and slid out a coffee-stained piece of notebook paper. It read:
Dear Sebastian,
I’m sorry you had to hear that fight last night. I’m gonna be gone for a little while, but I promise I’ll see you soon. No matter what happens between me & your mom, it’s not your fault. Don’t forget that. Your a good kid and I love you.
Dad

"Wrong ‘your,’" Sebastian said faintly to himself. "Should be with an apostrophe." --Stupid, Sebastian thought. --You’re thinking of grammar and your dad just walked out. The letter was so painfully brief that he yearned for more. This was no explanation. It was a pitiful excuse. Sebastian angrily kicked a patch of dandelions and their gossamer white seeds filled the air. Then they died away and there was nothing. Not a soul. Sebastian was completely and utterly alone. And only alone would he let tears fall.
It was his fault. It was his fault and he knew it. Maybe if he could do better in school...maybe if he was just a regular child with no other worlds in his head. He loved the sky world of his imagination, but he would give every ounce of uniqueness up to keep his parents together. But now it was too late.
He lay on his back so that the tears leaked straight out of the corners of his eyes, feeling small and foolish. Here he was, almost twelve and crying like a kid. He squinched his eyes shut for a moment to squeeze out all the tears. When he opened them, he could see a great yellow-white bird crossing the sky. --No, falling out of the sky. Falling and coming nearer every second.
Sebastian stood up. The letter fell from his hand and was carried away unnoticed by a gust of wind. He watched curiously as the strange bird tumbled through the air. It was very close now. The bird--no, a girl! --was about to crash down, and instinctively, Sebastian stumbled forward and held his arms out.
Almost as if planned, the girl fell into Sebastian’s arms with such a force that his knees buckled, and she spilled onto the grass. Sebastian couldn’t believe his eyes. She wore a yellow, patched sundress that was very dirty, and her blonde hair was tangled and full of leaves, but despite this, she looked like an unconscious angel lying in the grass. He carefully touched the swollen bruise on her head.
She started awake, fearful. "What--who are you? Where’s Rufus?"
"I won’t hurt you," Sebastian assured her. "Are you all right?"
"I--I think so," the girl said, sitting up unsteadily. "Where is this?"
"Well, this is Garden Valley, outside of Chicago."
"Shi--shigaga? What’s that? And have you seen a red balloon anywhere? We were on the river--"
"On the river? In a balloon?"
"Well, of course, what else? Do I look fancy enough to have a sky ship?" She brushed dirt off her dress.
"A sky ship? You live in the sky?"
"Why, yes, don’t you?"
Sebastian’s heart was pounding. He said very slowly, "The sky’s...above you now." He pointed and she looked up and gasped.
"You mean--there are people living below the sky?"
"Well, actually, we’re sort of surrounded by--"
"Then how do I get back? Oh, where’s Rufus?"
"Is that him?" Sebastian pointed at a red dot in the sky.
She jumped up. "Yes! Oh, yes! That’s Rufus! Rufus and the balloon!" she shouted. ‘Wait--that’s too fast! He’s falling!"
Sure enough, the balloon was plummeting toward the hill at alarming speed. Sebastian and Lilah backed up as the huge balloon landed with a monstrous crash. The red cloth billowed over everything so that Rufus couldn’t be seen inside.
"Rufus!" Lilah yelled again.
Suddenly hands appeared, pushing back cloth, and a disheveled young man vaulted himself over the basket.
"Lilah!" He ran unsteadily toward the girl and caught her up in his arms. "Oh, Lilah, are you all right?"
"I think so," Lilah said. "I don’t know how, ‘cause this ground’s awful hard, unless he caught me." She pointed at Sebastian.
"Really?" Rufus said, regarding the boy. He was skinny, with straight dark hair and dark brown eyes. He wore a very solemn expression on his otherwise youthful face. "What’s your name?"
"Sebastian."
"Ah. And what is this--some kind of...ultra-low hover platform or something?"
"No...this is Earth."
Rufus’s green eyes widened. "The forbidden planet."
"What’s that?" Sebastian asked.
"Yeah, what’s that?" Lilah echoed.
Rufus shook his head. "Never mind. Do you live here, Sebastian?"
"Yeah, Lilah fell right into my backyard."
"And that reminds me," Rufus said, suddenly rounding on Lilah. "Why, oh why, didn’t you bring your harness, Lilah? Why couldn’t you have just listened for once?"
"It’s just--" she stammered. "It’s so itchy, that’s why! And I didn’t expect anything like this! Did you feel those weird currents?"
"Yeah, I did. It was really odd...I’m just glad you’re okay," he said, hugging her. He could never stay mad at Lilah for long. Then he got up gingerly, still sore from the crash, and said, "Well, let’s go look at the damage."
A moment later Rufus held the balloon’s fabric tenderly in his arms, like a dying friend. It was badly torn in several places. "I can’t believe it," he said. "This will take forever to fix! I’ll have to find material and--and I don’t know anything about this place!"
"Don’t panic," Sebastian said. "I--I guess you can stay with me, for a night or two...but my mom can’t find out. She’d go ballistic if she found out I was having people from another world over without her permission."
Rufus looked up from his state of woe. "That’s very kind of you...if you’re sure you don’t mind."
"Don’t worry about it," Sebastian said. "Come inside now; it’s getting dark and there will be mosquitoes."
"There will be what?"
"Never mind. We’ll see to the balloon in the morning."

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Raniegh

I love the story, and can't wait for the twist.

But I think the story is progressing very fast. If you can slow it down, and set the scene like alanmt said. Describe the surrounding more.

And when the characters are thinking it's best to either put them in quotes or italisize it.

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EternalMyst

Now they were going on an adventure, just she and Rufus. The Red Warrior took to the air easily, and soon the currents carried it away from their old house and into the clean, wonderful air.
clean wonderful air....not sure but too much air.

And they would. Just he and Lilah. A year ago Father would have been along as well, but he couldn’t think about that. It only raised difficult, unsettling questions about Father’s disappearance. Questions that did not have answers.
Father would have been along as well....think the whole father part doesn't fit here in this paragraph or it is too repetative on the same concept too soon.

I enjoyed reading the story. I agree with most and think you should slow it down a bit.
Can't wait to read more.

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