Goddess' Tears: fantasy novel - Writers Forum

SparkyLT · 07-06-2008, 01:41 PM

I've had this book going around in my mind almost all my life, and I've tried to start it several times, with several different names etc. This is the most promising start I've ever gotten, so here we go. Please feel free to be barbaric with comments. This is the prologue and chapter 1.

GODDESS' TEARS

Prologue

It was one of those things that happened in slow motion. You know? You see it happening, but there’s nothing you can do about it. It was all like that, in a way, except the times I enjoyed went all too fast. Then again, even the bad times I enjoyed to some extent, expect for the parting. It’s always the good-byes that hurt the most. Does that make any sense? I guess it doesn’t. Certainly not before you know my story, our story. I write this hoping the publishers like it, safe in the knowledge that it’s fiction. Nothing like this could happen on our little blue planet, right? But no…it’s real, every word, every comma, every period and semicolon. All this happened to me, Gail Sands Storms, and it started two years and a day ago, when I was sixteen.
My boyfriend Thad and his best friend Martin kidnapped me then, and to this day I do not know why. I have to admit that just the night before we had a serious argument, so you could say it started then. It’s hard to say, really. Maybe my whole life led up to it; maybe there is such a thing as Destiny. But suffice it to say that Thad and Martin caught me unawares in late December and tricked me into Martin’s car. They knocked me out there and put me in the trunk, so when I woke everything was dark. They had driven out in the middle of nowhere and parked, and I could hear them talking just outside. Thad seemed to want me dead, but Martin sounded like he thought that was going overboard; then he sounded panicky, and said something about dragons and bogies. Thad laughed—and screamed. Something thudded on the trunk, and I heard a voice, a woman’s voice:
“So now what do you plan to do?”
A woman’s voice, but so strange…so much like water running over stones. And how much I would long to hear that voice again, later on in the year. Then a rough man’s laugh, a clang of metal on metal, and a shout. The trunk opened, and looking down on me was a unicorn.
You should understand that I had every reason to faint…

Chapter 1…The Waking

I woke up facing a stone-ringed fire in the middle of a forest, soft grass my pillow and a blanket covering me. Behind me, I heard a sound suspiciously like a knife being sharpened, but it had to be a very long knife, because the sound went on way too long to me a normal length one. So it’s a long knife, I remember clearly thinking, just a long, long knife…being sharpened…oh my god…what’s going to happen to me?
But something compelled me to turn towards the sound, something deep within me, something smarter than I was. Or maybe it was Destiny after all; who could say? So I rolled over onto my back and turned my head.
Strange, the things that stick in your memory. Although I saw him so many times after, I remember the first glimpse I caught of Flash so well. Of course I didn’t know his name then, or even whether or not he was going to kill me.
He was leaning against a tree, with a sword lying on his knees, using a stone to sharpen it. His hair is long and blonde so, so soft, and just then he had it pulled back. His eyes, which sparked and flickered with the firelight, are an unearthly kind of yellow color, like liquid gold. They were cast downward, intent on that sword, oblivious to the rest of the world. Light, thin eyebrows swept up gracefully, almost invisible against unnaturally pale skin. Although it was night, and he should have been relaxed asleep, he still wore his armour, which was a dark red. The helmet lay beside him, and it was obvious why he didn’t wear it, too; it would have fit too tightly to accommodate his hair, especially pulled back like it was. It was also dark red, with a gold eagle engraved around the eye holes and curving around the air slats that should have fitted around his mouth. He ran the stone across the blade of that sword again and again, and for the longest time I just watched, trancelike…because nothing about Flashsharp made me catch my breath like his ears did. That sounds ridiculous, I know—but they were long, swept back along his head, and narrowed to a sharp point before curving up very slightly.
The trance broke. Maybe I gasped, I don’t know. Flashsharp looked up, and our eyes met. Focused on me, they seemed more hostile; the sword wicked; the armour like hard blood and the golden eagle cruel.
I know I swallowed, and I started breathing through my mouth, heavily. My mind rejected this, this fantasy, this boy with pointed ears, this…I hesitated to even think it…this elf. I had to be dreaming. What was the last thing I remembered? Frantically I racked my brain, searching for the last sensible thought. I wasn’t seeing an elf, I hadn’t seen a unicorn, and I couldn’t have been kidnapped by my boyfriend and his best friend… Right?
I slid back, away from elf-boy anyway. His expression seemed to soften, and he smiled gently. Slowly he put the sword next to his helmet and held up his hands in a universal I won’t hurt you stance. Stalemate—neither of us twitched. My mind was still moving a mile a minute. I know he had to have been waiting for me to do something, and I eventually did; I sat up. I realized I was still wearing the too-long flare blue jeans and gray T-shirt from when Thad and Martin had…I cleared my mind of it. Every muscle screamed its protest when I moved, even the ones I didn’t know about, like when a horribly out of shape person works out for the first time in thirty years. The next morning, he certainly knows he’s done it. A shame I couldn’t figure out what exactly I’d done. When I winced in pain, elf-boy (as I was thinking of him then. Actually he’s about my age) was instantly by my side, either to help me to my feet or keep me from moving. Then, to my shock, I realized he was murmuring English! I was so shocked that for a moment I couldn’t process it for a moment.
“…C`mon now…lay back down…you need to rest…”
I let him shift me back into a laying position, looking quizzical. After a second I asked, “You speak English?”
He stared. “You speak Highland?”
“I speak what?”
He looked confused. I probably did too. So this is what the first astronauts who meet aliens will feel like… “Highland. What…you’re speaking. It’s not…Uanhkan or something.”
“And you don’t speak Spanish.” I snapped. I guess I figured if it was a dream, why not? “The question was why you speak English.”
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I speak Highland. So do you. I thought Humans spoke Datcatian.”
“Spoke what? Anyway, I thought elves spoke…elfin or whatever.”
“What? Where did you get…elfin from?”
“I just came up with it! What’s going on?” I demanded—reasonably, I’d say.
We stared at each other steadily for a while, and I realized he was probably not any older than me, and no doubt just as confused. I shouldn’t have snapped at him, I suppose. Then he shook his head and settled back against the tree.
“Ria will explain it.” He inserted confidently. “In the morning.”

Sen Yama · 07-06-2008, 02:52 PM

I like it, but is his name Flash or Flashsharp?
Do you think that the prolouge needs to be there? The details of it could probably be merged with the first chapter.
And the note about the publisher kind of knocks you out of the story for a minute (author intrusuion).
I like the little fight about language at the end. I always find it so odd that characters never think about that kind of think.
And I think that you've found your voice as well. The description is well rendered and you kept a smooth pace in the first chapter. Please post up the next chapter whenever you get a chance.

HippoHead · 07-06-2008, 05:21 PM

I think the prologue might be unnecessary too. Keep chapter 1 the way it is, and it'll be awesomely confusing (unicorn and kidnapping? what's all this?)

The prologuue also seems a little too relevant - I thought they were irrelevant but there if the reader wanted to see. There's no reason why it can't go in chapter one.

HippoHead · 07-06-2008, 05:22 PM

Sorry for my grammatical retardation.

SparkyLT · 07-06-2008, 06:08 PM

Quote:

I like it, but is his name Flash or Flashsharp?

...Ah, oops. Well, this is explained further in the nest chapter, do you think it's ok to leave it confused for a little while longer?

Quote:

And the note about the publisher kind of knocks you out of the story for a minute (author intrusuion).

Hm, I didn't think of it that way. I was trying to make it seem more real with this, like this girl actually went and all sorts of weird things happen, and she gets back to Earth and she figures she can write a book about it. And the publisher would just think that little comment was for just to make it seem more real when in truth... Eh, I'm tying myself in knots here, and pretty soon I won't understand myself, so here's hoping you do.

Quote:

Do you think that the prolouge needs to be there? The details of it could probably be merged with the first chapter.

I've tried doing that before, but the somewhat-lame-set-up stuff just gets in the way. But still don't want to leave it out; it just seems important-ish. It really isn't, I guess.

Quote:

I think the prologue might be unnecessary too. Keep chapter 1 the way it is, and it'll be awesomely confusing.

I read it without the prologue, and it would be kind of a cool way to start. ...Well, I've convinced myself, or you two have, I'll take out the prologue and post the next chapter.

SparkyLT · 07-06-2008, 06:10 PM

Chapter 2…The Shake, and What It Was

I sat bolt upright, my muscles demanding I not. My fingers dug tiny holes in the bare dirt I lay on. Dirt? I stared around hazily, realizing I was in a different place.
And…there had been an earthquake.
Trying to relax my fists at least a little, I looked over to where Flashsharp had been. He was sitting up, an annoyed expression on his surreal face. I guess the tree he had fallen asleep against wasn’t there anymore. One hand was already on his sword, and he glanced around for a while before his eyes rested on me.
“What…happened?” I asked fearfully. He didn’t reply, but looked past me, so I turned to see. My eyes focused and unfocused randomly. I squeezed them shut and shook my head, but the image remained the same. Past where the fire had been (and wasn’t now), a woman who looked something like a living ice sculpture sat cross-legged, and as she shook her head briefly, water droplets flew from her shimmering, semi-clear hair. She opened her eyes, and they were dark green orbs, glowing faintly in the pre-dawn darkness. She stood, and I realized that she had no feet—her legs seemed to run into the ground, turning the surrounding dirt to mud, which dried up as soon as she left. When she came towards Flash and I, it was like she just drifted. Waternymph, some obscure part of me commented, and Ria another chimed in. And true: this was Ria the waternymph.
“Are you both alright?” She asked, and I recognized the aquatic voice that had wryly asked “So now what do you plan to do?” just before I had seen the unicorn…which I could no longer deny, as it lay no two yards away.
As Ria and Flashsharp spoke quietly behind me, I stared. Everyone knows what unicorns look like—silvery-white horses with single spiraling horns shooting out from their foreheads. It’s another entirely to see one. His fur (unicorn fur is transparent; their skin is that gorgeous whitey color) was muddy in places, and shaggy. His mane and tail were ragged and too long, and he looked weary—but still beautiful, and so unearthly, like Flash and Ria, and still he looked elegant and majestic. I couldn’t keep from staring, and when he noticed, he turned his head so that his pure black eye caught mine…so chilling. I realized that to every one of these creatures there were two sides—Flash looked so gentle and…princely, then murderous and evil. Ria, normal until she moved. And this unicorn, so beautiful until he saw you looking at him.
Behind me Flash said, “Ria, we better explain all this to the human girl. It won’t count if she doesn’t understand it.”
“Forget her for a second, Flash. Where’s Takil?” Ria demanded, and I turned to watch them.
“He went storming past after the Shake. He was up to something, I think. It woke everybody up and disturbed him.”
“Don’t be so suspicious, Flash.” Ria commented kindly. “Maybe…who knows. Just maybe he wasn’t doing anything treacherous. We better find him.” Although Flash didn’t seem reassured, Ria rotated (her upper body spun smoothly and her ‘knees’ inverted) toward the unicorn and kept talking. “Steplei, can you go get Takil? I suppose I should explain to the girl, and another…humanoid like Flash may be rather comforting.”
I sensed more than heard the words very well, and understood it was the unicorn, Steplei, when he unfolded himself and ambled away. Ria called a thanks after him and regarded me. I must have looked hysteric—I know I was thinking, elvin swordsmen, waternymphs, telepathic unicorns…do I really want to meet this Takil?
“Flash, Flash, Flash…what have we done to this poor kid?” Not waiting for an answer, Ria swept down in front of me in some sort of lotus position. I stared; I think if I had done anything else, except maybe pass out again, it would have been unnatural. “Human girl…what is your name?” Ria spoke somewhat slowly, as if humans were too dense to understand normal speech.
“Gail.” I whispered, my throat dry and unable to do anything louder. Flashsharp watched me with a guarded expression on his face for a second, then spoke up.
“Ria, why is it she speaks Highland? I’d been told they spoke Datcatian.”
“Goddess, Flash, who told you that? Some idiot soldier buddy of yours? Humans call it English. A small fraction of them speak it. We’re lucky we found her and not some other Human that didn’t speak it. I believe the region we found her in is called New York. Am I right…Gail?”
“Yes. Upstate New York.” I coughed, and because I’d had a reasonably sane conversation so far, I added, “Can I have some water or something? I feel like I haven’t drunk in a week.”
Flash was quick to oblige, handing me a canteen while he replied to Ria’s remark. “No. I think it was a mercenary. He didn’t seem like he could be trusted, but the King hired him… You must’ve been thirsty,” He added to me when he took back the canteen. I nodded, but he was already ignoring me.
“Alright, Gail.” Ria began. “I suppose you’ve figured out all our names, so I'll just skip over the introductions. However, I’m sure one thing you have yet to figure out it what exactly is going on here. I know you Humans have all your scientific and religious ways and reasons for how things came to be, but this is the story of my people—and we were there to bear witness.”
Flash watched me intently now, as if wondering how I’d take this.
“In the beginning, there was only darkness. Our great Goddess granted the darkness light, the light what to shine upon, and made the creatures of the world.
“In the beginning, there were only beasts, hungry creatures that could only hurt. This brought sadness to Goddess, and she granted them with intelligence. As they moved across land and sea, they began to change, and while some settled, others continued moving, ever changing. And these became to first true Mystics: these travelers became the Shapeshifters.
“Most beautiful of the intelligent beasts was the horned horse. Although it ran with the horse and deer, its parents, it soon also separated itself and became known as the Unicorn.
“Most similar and abundant of the beasts were the Elves and Humans. While Humans evolved from primates, and Elves were descended from felines, both shared qualities and were the first breeds to communicate with each other.
“Yet most ancient were the Elementals. Called Nymphs, we had been created with the world, the embodiment of each element. Earth, Wind, Fire, Ice, Lightness, Darkness, and my own kind, Water. Water and Ice soon fused into one people, while Earth and Wind inhabited the trees and ground itself, and Fire quickly became the symbol of civilization. Indeed, true Firenymphs are believed to have died long ago.
“In this early time, another race was created by Humans who ran with the horse and Unicorns too long. They became half-horse, half-human creatures, shunned by both species. These Centaurs, as they called themselves, took refuge in the forests, hiding themselves. They became very violent towards other races, though they were very intelligent, and quite friendly among their own kind.
“The majestic Dragons, beautiful to the eye but horribly cruel and deadly, were the result, legends say, of an enormous winged lizard named Drag who became possessed by a young Firenymph called Con. They became known as the Dragcon. Because there was only one of these creatures, Goddess took pity on it and granted it the power of single reproduction. All of Dragcon’s offspring were called Dragons, and soon they inhabited the land in many different forms: some snake-like, others flightless, and also many, many different sizes.
“Similar to these possessed beasts were the Harpies, their origin an Elf girl named Harp, who could apparently sing beautifully, and her brother Pan, and two Windnymphs called simply Ii, the male, and Srar, the female. The nymphs possessed each young elf of the opposite sex, created the first Harpie and Harpan. Although the females are generally war-like, the males, the Harpen, are docile and submissive. This is true in almost every case.
“Then there were the mistakes.
“Such creatures as Chimeras, Vampires, Werewolves and the legendary Cerberus, corrupted degenerates and proof of our Goddess’s nemesis. Exactly who this foul enemy is, we lowly beings do not know, but prophets say it is her brother or father God.
“For some time the intelligent beasts lived in peace. But, influenced by our Goddess and her rival God, who were warring, we too began mindlessly killing each other. Hunted to the last for their beautiful coats and magical horns, the last Unicorns fled to live with we waternymphs, while Elves and Humans barricaded themselves in their massive cities. Werewolves and Vampires continuously created more of their kind, and Goddess’s once-peaceful people dwindled. Eventually even the once closely allied Elves and Humans sought each other’s destruction, and the devious Shapeshifters fought even each other.
“With the last ounce of her strength, Goddess banished half her people and her enemy to a black void, where that God was forced to create his own world. Many Humans, Vampires, Shapeshifters, Werewolves, Chimeras, Dragons and Harpies were sent to this place, and they continued their war, egged on by their God. Many of these creatures were destroyed.
“In this world, the sorrowful inhabitants created a Temple of worship, but the Goddess never again returned to us. Resigned to this fact, we, the Mystics, each created our own dimensions, though the Unicorns remained with the waternymphs.
“The elves continued their tradition of living in large cities and town, though many other creatures preferred to live on the land. The remaining evil creatures, mostly Vampires and Werewolves, were outlawed to the abandoned human cities, where they placidly stayed, knowing that if given the slightest reason many others would willingly destroy them. Werewolves continued to reproduce by simply luring careless fool away for the bite.
Ria sighed. “For a very long time we lived this way. Ten wars, all caused by the still-troublesome shapeshifters, occurred, but still we held on to our fragile illusion of peace. But now… A rebel group consisting of many different species began causing a ruckus, and, anticipating another gargantuan war, our Goddess, it is said, began to cry. These tears caused our dimensions to become unstable, constantly shifting, and causing much trouble, you can imagine. Innocent people suddenly found themselves in different places. It was chaos. Then the Seer Serivy saw our solution: one of every creature, even the exiled humans, vampires and werewolves, must meet peacefully in the Teméporal, the age-old temple built to worship Goddess. This group seeks to do this.
“And you, Gail, are our human.”
I had no reply for this. I used to read a lot, and this was entirely too much like a fantasy novels I would stay up way too late reading. I stared at Ria, hoping someone, anyone would jump out from behind a tree yelling “Fooled ya!” and everyone would take off their rubber masks and I could just say, “Wow I should lay off the movies for a while guys you really had me going.”
It didn’t happen. Flash remarked, “I think that was a little too much, Ria.”
“Maybe you’re right. But we had to tell her sooner or later…”
Perhaps her tiny human brain isn’t capable of processing so much information all at once.
I slowly turned my head to watch the unicorn, Steplei, click past me to stand next to Ria. Although I should have been insulted, I was still in shock, I guess, so it didn’t really register on me.
“Don’t I get a say in this?” I finally managed. Ria and Steplei exchanged unreadable looks, and Flashsharp looked down. I waited nervously, glancing between the three of them. “Well? Come on, say I can refuse!” I demanded fearfully.
Ria and Steplei both looked at Flash. He made a motion like, Me? Why me?, then turned his so-almost-human gaze on me.
“You can’t.” He explained with difficulty. “Truth be told, the four of us are just as helpless as any peasant who finds himself in the middle of Uanico. We were lucky to find you when we did. There’s no way to control where we go next. You can’t really…refuse.”
I rested my forehead on my knees and tried to absorb this. I could never go home? I was stuck in this fantasy nightmare forever? I…
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and raised my head to see Flash crouched next to me. I blinked tearfully, thinking about my Mom, and how worried she would no doubt be.
“It’s not all bad.” Flash whispered sympathetically. “Though its residents may be a little unfamiliar to you, you’ll find Exilan not a horrible place to live.”
I could only look at him for a while, and then drop my eyes and look away. When his hand stayed on my shoulder, I wiped my eyes, nodded, and turned back.
“Okay,” I said quietly, still a little tearful. I tried a weak smile. “I'll try it. But no promises I won’t break down first time I see some dragon come around the corner.”
Helping me up, Flash reasserted, “It’s not all bad.” I tried to believe him, but…
How I wished I could share his conviction.

SparkyLT · 07-06-2008, 06:11 PM

oh, sorry it's in a different font, I pasted it from my copy and I use Times New Roman.

Sen Yama · 07-06-2008, 08:16 PM

The transition to this chapter is really rough. When you talk about the 'gargantuan war' At first I thought it said orangatang. Overall good though. Just work on how the first and second chapters fit together.

SparkyLT · 07-07-2008, 11:31 AM

mm, I don't like the transition either. I was stuck at the end of chapter one for a while, but I really wanted to get on witht the book, so I figuered I would just dive in and whatever came out, came out. I had the vague idea of a putting in a dream or something to sort of soften it, but it didn't really become and less vague.

Sen Yama · 07-07-2008, 11:37 AM

Fair enough, just be sure to try and smooth it out when you rewrite.

SparkyLT · 07-07-2008, 11:42 AM

here's chapter 3
haha, it's too long, I can't post it all at once. 2 posts then.

Chapter 3…Starting Off

Takil appeared a minute or so after I got myself together. Compared to, say, Ria, he was pretty much normal. She had said he was an imp, Mystics who lived underground and mined. Although the mental image I got from the word ‘imp’ was some little red guy with a pointy tail and a pitchfork, Takil looked human except for being very short—about two and a half feet. I’m five foot five. He also had thick, curly black hair and a beard that reached his ankles. His round helmet had what looked like real bull horns on it imbedded with rubies, and the short ax strapped to his belt also had rubies in the handle. He didn’t seem too pleased to see me, and stood next to the unicorn, Steplei, with his arms crossed, scowling. I think I heard him muttering under his breath about eating me or something, and Ria cast him a stormy look. Flashsharp still stood next to me, looking at Takil suspiciously out of the corner of his eye. I was glad he was close: if Takil decided I might taste good, I hoped he would protect me. I couldn’t protect myself, for sure.
After Ria ensured everyone was there (obviously she was the ringleader of this little group), she made everyone gather around and gave us each a job to carry out quickly before there was another Shake. Steplei was to find out where we were, and she, Takil and Flash would split up and find the nearest civilization. I could go with whoever I liked, but it wasn’t safe for me to go alone yet. I wanted to say it never would be—I had no idea where I was or what I was doing, and I would probably end up breaking some sacred law and then I would be killed. Happy, happy day. No, I wasn’t incredibly optimistic, but can you imagine being in a totally alien place, expected to (eventually) be these strange creatures’ equal? Come on.
Takil set off immediately in his chosen direction, and Steplei seemed to shift his weight slightly and closed his eyes. Ria explained to me that he was using his mind to search for invisible markers that should tell where we were. Unfortunately we might not be close to these at all, so it could take a very, very long time.
Then she asked me if I wanted to go with her or with Flash. I shrugged and looked down. Both made me feel safe, but Ria was a little domineering and intimidating (not to mention absolutely creepy at times), and Flash had at least been nice to me. And he looked almost human, which was a definite plus to my way of thinking at the time. Later I would learn that that really didn’t matter. I would make some interesting friends along my way.
Anyway, I mumbled I would go with Flashsharp, if it wasn’t any trouble, and he didn’t seem to care. Ria gave both of us a look, which Flash didn’t seem to like very much. I kept up my inspection on the ground. There was grass, dirt, a few little rocks…not much else. Flash took my arm and led me away.
At the top of a hill, Flash took out a small telescope and looked around. I had been quiet while we were walking, thinking about all I had heard and been told, but somehow one question persistently stuck to my mind.
“Um…does your name…mean anything?” I tentatively asked.
Flash almost dropped his telescope. I guess he had just about forgotten I was there. He hastily collapsed it, put it back in its pouch on his belt, and casually turned away from me, looking towards the rising sun, to answer.
“Yeah. I was born Flash—because of my eyes.” He turned back to me again, and the new sunlight hit his golden eyes perfectly, reflecting and absorbing the sun’s brilliance, multiplying it a thousand times.
It was beautiful. I jerked back and blinked suddenly.
He quickly turned away again. “Then while I was training to be a knight, they called me Sharp. I was…” A note of pride entered his voice, and I could hear him trying not to grin to himself. “…A little better than the rest maybe.” He shrugged and turned back to me, but the sun didn’t hit his eyes this time, and we could look at each other normally. “I went by Flashsharp after that. It’s not unusual for a knight to get a nickname in training camp and combine it with his child name. Ria just calls me Flash because she’s known me all my life.” He grinned, maybe at some childhood memory, then became more serious. “So does your name mean anything?”
I thought for a minute, wondering if it really mattered, if he really wanted to know or if he was just being polite. Finally I admitted, “I was named after my mom’s mother—her name was Gail.” I shrugged. “Not as interesting a history as yours, I guess, huh?”
“It doesn’t matter. Your name doesn’t define who you are. Come on, I’m pretty sure I saw something over that way.”
I followed him pensively, satisfied with that answer but trying to single in on another question. There were so many it was hard to pick just one out to ask. I was startled out of my reverie when he put out an arm in front of me to motion me to stop. I did so abruptly, looking up to see what he had seen to cause the scraping of metal on metal I somehow knew meant he was readying his sword.
On top of the next hill I saw a small campfire, a horse, and two human figures, one quite a bit taller than the other.
I frowned, confused; the smaller one looked like just a kid, much younger than me. His head was shaved, and he wore some sort of dark brown or black robe. His skin was very pale, as though he wasn’t outside much, but he looked fit, strong for his age, which I guessed at about twelve or thirteen. He and the other one were both looking our way. It was the second who worried me more.
He and Flash approached the mid point between us warily, Flash indicating I should stay behind him. I kept my distance, looking the other knight up and down.
His skin, hair, and eyes were all much darker than Flash’s, and though his armour seemed to be basically the same, it was dark blue and looked thicker. Also, instead of the soft looking white cloth that was visible between the plates of Flash’s armour, silver chainmail glinted ominously on the other knight. He was a little taller, and he walked confidently, head high and eyes critical, with his wrists crossed to rest each on a pair sword hilts at his belt. One sheath was wide, and the other zigzagged like lightning, only the hilt itself and the very tip straight. I looked from it to his unemotional face, only a glint of cockiness in his black eyes. His hair was just long enough to cover his earlobes. His features weren’t delicate as Flash’s, and a scar ran along his jawbone on the left side, but he was obviously an elf. Even so, his ears jutted straight up sharply. Different races of elf? I didn’t know.
Flashsharp addressed him coldly. “Sellsword.”
The sellsword’s voice was mocking. “Knight.”
They glared at each other for a second that I didn’t understand, but was too scared to question. Later Ria would tell me there was a great animosity between sellswords and knights, though neither could tell you why, really. Their ways were so different, they hated each other, but there was no real difference between their two causes: they fought for pay. The knight was paid by his government, the sellsword, or mercenary, by the best payer. For now I was just scared, confused, and hoping no fight broke out.
Finally Flash, with the air of one much pained to do so, re-sheathed his sword and stiffly bowed about half an inch to the sellsword. In return the sellsword relaxed and bowed gracefully a full foot.
“Darkblade.” He said pleasantly, if a little condescendingly. “And you?”
“Flashsharp.” I realized Darkblade must be the other elf’s name then. Flash looked confused for a second, then, “You…have a knight’s name.”
Darkblade grinned lazily. “I once was. I got kicked out.” He indicated the young boy behind him, who held the horse’s reins and watched on almost as anxiously as me. “My squire, Ecoio. Called Echo. Your friend?”
“Gail.” Flash hadn’t taken his eyes off Darkblade, even though the sellsword seemed to have decided he was no threat. “I assume you know where you are?” Even I could tell he was trying to bluff Darkblade into telling him, since none of us knew either.
“Not the slightest.” He responded cheerfully. “Echo and I only just woke up. Never even knew when the Shake happened. So where are we, then?”
Flash clenched his teeth. Now what was he supposed to say? There didn’t seem to be any way to gracefully admit defeat. Later I would find out, and even then I knew, that Flash had no small amount of pride.
Then the young boy, Echo, came forward and touched Darkblade’s arm. “Master…I thought you said we were in Temetle.”
“Echo!”
Flash was on him in a second, sword drawn and at his throat, forcing his chin upwards. Echo jumped back, looking scared, his face clearly saying, oh no, my fault. I stepped forward to timidly touch Flash’s arm. “Flashsharp, um—.”
“I guess it’s true, what they say about sellswords having no honor.”
“And you weren’t trying to get me to tell you!”
“I never lied, scekyiyah!”
I didn’t know then just what it meant, and to be polite I won’t put it here, but just let it be known it’s an extremely insulting Datcatian (imp language) term aimed at elves—more particularly their mothers. I have to say, Flash said it very well. Now, I have to wonder how often he used it before I came along.
Darkblade was very still, his eyes emanating the darkness he was no doubt named for. He spoke through clenched teeth, obviously because he couldn’t move much without being pricked.
“I chose the path I chose.” He growled, shifting his weight ever so slightly. Flash moved with him to keep him pinned down. “And I advise you to leave my family out of this.”
Flash was suddenly thrown back into me, as if a huge, invisible hand had shoved him. In an instant he had regained his balance and helped me up (who says chivalry is dead?), but not before the sellsword unsheathed his bent sword with a horrible rattling cr-cr-cr-cr-cr-crack. As I looked up and Flash turned back to him, he pulled out the other one, a huge sword at least twice the width of Flash’s, never mind it was two against one.
“Come on, “ I whispered, “Let’s just run, he has two swords and you only have one, and I'll just be in the way, and…”
“I can take him!” Flash hissed, sounding to me like some scrawny kid insisting he could take the local bully. “You just stay back.”
As I watched him unsheathe his one, thin sword (funny how it had looked much bigger before) and approach Darkblade, I exchanged looks with Echo, the sellsword’s squire, and felt a certain kinship with him. After all, here we both were, helpless, our defenders about to fight each other. He stepped forward once more to speak softly with his master for a second, but Darkblade shrugged him off, shaking his head. He pointed towards me and Darkblade shifted his gaze, looking surprised all the sudden. Because I’m human? I glanced at Echo and realized, wondering how I’d overlooked it before, that he was too.
The sellsword sheathed his swords and bowed low, without any trace of sarcasm or mockery in his serene expression, in my direction. I couldn’t see Flash’s face, but I could imagine the look he was giving Darkblade. When he spun towards me, I had already turned back to see Ria a few feet behind me, looking impatient.
“At least the sellsword has manners, Flashsharp.” She stated icily, coming towards us. “And shows proper respect in such a place. You may rise.”
Darkblade rose and whispered something to Echo, who seemed extremely relieved that the two elves (it seemed so strange to apply the word ‘elves’ to something I was not just imagining, but looking at) weren’t fighting after all. Flash grudgingly sheathed his sword and eyed Darkblade suspiciously. “I don’t even know what this place is. I’m sure the sellsword’s squire,” he laughed, “has no idea what he’s talking about.”
Echo’s shoulders slumped and he looked at the ground dejectedly. Darkblade’s hand went to the thin, zigzagged sword’s hilt and curled into a fist. He stared at Flash silently, a purely savage, barbaric look in his eyes. Flash looked back arrogantly. After a second Darkblade shifted his focus to Ria and, in a quiet, controlled voice, he murmured, “Ancient honored spirit, kindly tell your…underling here where we are.”
Ria looked pleased, sort of. I couldn’t tell it then, but I know now that the expression on her face and tone of her voice meant she was a little embarrassed. “Oh, please. I haven’t really been here so long.” She turned to Flash. “We are in Temetle, Flash.”
Flash shot the sellsword a venomous look, but Darkblade merely bowed his head to Ria, as some sign of thanks or respect. Or maybe just to get to Flash. Possibly both.
Ria herself turned her attention back to Darkblade. “When Flash had you pinned there, that was some impressive thrusting magic.”
Darkblade shrugged and visibly relaxed. “It’s basic. My father taught it to me.” He smiled thinly, as though it was some sick joke. “For some reason my magic has always been rather powerful, or at least I’ve been told so. I’m afraid I judge myself next to the most powerful Mystic I've ever met, a shapeshifter called Rame.” He gave me a sideways look, and I blushed without meaning to. He hadn’t even acted like I was there before, and I realized I was staring at him. “You want the strong silent type, that’s him. I've never heard his voice, but I once saw him raise five tons of rock while wearing silver bracelets and matching necklace.”
I wondered what silver bracelets and a necklace had to do with it, but Ria laughed. An interesting sound I can’t even describe; use your imagination. “No wonder you act like it’s nothing. All the same, I believe you’re quite powerful.” She thought for a second. “I wonder if you would consider…”
“What?”
“The Catastrophe.”
He looked skeptical. “Yes. I know what it is. I’m no knight in shining armor; let some other bastard risk his neck to make it to the temple and save us all.” He cut a hard look at Flash, who obviously understood the insult and bristled.
“I understand you feel that way. But you see, myself and my group, we plan to make it there. Flashsharp, Gail here, the unicorn and an imp named Takil. We are, as some call it, dimension-hopping, gathering our members.” She sighed. “I hate to say it, because Flash and I have been friends for a very long time, but there’s no guarantee any of us will make it out alive. If you would come with us, I would be grateful. I’m sure we could use your skills, and as a sort of…backup in case something happens to Flash. We will pay you, of course,” She added hastily, “However much you want.”
The sellsword considered. Finally he turned to his apprentice and simply asked, “Echo?”
The boy looked at him as if to say, you want my opinion?, and then slowly nodded.
“Alright, then.” Darkblade unsheathed his swords and held them out to Ria.
“My swords are yours.”
“And my life is yours.”
He nodded.
And so we gained our sixth member.

SparkyLT · 07-07-2008, 11:43 AM

Darkblade and Echo’s horse was released to the wild so feeding it wouldn’t be a problem, and the two of them carried their few belongings on their backs. Flash struck out for our camp first, Ria followed him, Darkblade walked next to me just behind her, and Echo kept close to his master’s side. I couldn’t help but look at the horribly crooked sword hanging at Darkblade’s waist, and when he saw me staring, he grinned.
“My first sword, Lightning. A rapier. Idiot I was, I broke her in five places in my first battle trying to be tough and fighting a broadsword.”
“Lightning? She?”
“Of course. What, you think a sword shouldn’t have name?”
“Oh….” I was rather taken aback. I could tell he was joking, but his forwardness startled me a little, and who was I to judge anything to do with a sword?
He cocked his head to the side. “You haven’t been here long, hm? In fact, I bet Flashsharp up there is the only elf you’ve met. Am I right?”
“Yes.” I felt like I should defend Flash somehow. He had been kind to me before, and Darkblade had done nothing but ridicule him. “He—he’s not that bad really. He is a little arrogant, I know he is, but…”
Darkblade smiled. “Hmmm… If you think so. Anyway, after Lightning shattered, I attempted to forge her back to rights, but, I found out quickly I wasn’t any good at that. Oh, I knew the procedure, sure, I just…sucked at it.”
I laughed.
“So my Lightning is a little bent now. That’s how she got her name, though. After that I had Thunder made for such cases Lightning was a little too delicate for.”
“Thunder and Lightning.” I smiled. “That’s cool.”
“Yeah, I thought so.” He seemed pleased I had caught on.
For the first time I actually felt at ease. Somehow Darkblade could always do that for me; he was just human enough (a figure of speech I can’t seem to avoid here, sorry), normal enough, to my standards, to reassure me. His quiet confidence was plenty to make me feel safe, and it seemed that whenever I needed to feel safe, he was there. Now that my little adventure is over, I have to admit that Darkblade is one of my Mystic friends I miss most. Sometimes, even in your own world, you someone who can make you feel safe. It doesn’t have to be a life-threatening situation, though it might seem like one.
We were silent for a while, and Darkblade became pensive.
“I was quite famous among the knights and commoners for a while. The Storm, they called me, the Dark Storm. Black Cloud.” He pushed his dark hair out of his eyes, smiling faintly. I wondered if it had contributed to his nicknames, like Flash’s eyes had his name. “I hung out in one town that was having a lot of trouble with bandits, joined the vigilantes for a while, just to see how they lived. I went in disguise, wanting my reputation to leave me be for a time.” He sighed and shrugged. “I thought nothing of it when they insisted on paying me. I used the extra money to buy my little sister—my younger sister, I should say, she’s not so little anymore—a house and shop in Golden Kingdom. That’s ours, the elves’ dimension.
“Then I was called before our great, mighty King Korblade. The Queen Dianna sat on his left, and the young prince to his right. He told me off severely for accepting the payment and demanded I give it over to him, as should rightfully have been done.
“Well, what was I going to do? Sell him my sister? I ran.” He shook his head. “I haven’t been back since then, and don’t plan to. I sent a message to my sister to make sure no one had bothered her, and kept away when she said she was fine. Echo here—.” He nodded towards his squire. “—Was in my care at the time. I was supposed to be teaching him proper elvin knightly etiquette, which was bad enough before I left. He has stuck with me though, so I must be doing something right.” He gave the younger boy a proud, older-brotherly look, and then laughed suddenly.
“Listen to me chattering. Why don’t you tell me something about yourself? It’s only fair,” he warned, “After all I just told you.”
“Um… I don’t think I've ever… I mean, what could I possibly say to equal that?”
“You don’t have to equal it.” He said simply. “Just tell me about yourself.”
So I told him about my parents. They were divorced, but still ‘friends’, for my sake. Somehow, I told him, that made it harder for me, though. I told him about my friends at school, admitting there weren’t many. And slowly, I told him what had led up to Flash and Ria’s eventual finding me. I mumbled and stuttered so bad, I almost wondered if he understood a word I said, but when I was finally done he walked little closer and gave my hand a brief, comforting squeeze. If, I thought, you had told me the day before yesterday that this would be happening, I would have dialed 911 and had you hauled off in a padded van. Still, somehow I felt closer to Darkblade, and, really, to Flashsharp and Ria, than I ever had to my old friends.
That feeling would never fade, that I belonged there, with them. Would it have been right if I had been born an elf, I would wonder, or would I have then felt out of place in Golden Kingdom? Who can tell? Does anyone know the might-have-beens, the what-ifs? Who am I to even ask, to even wonder?
Steplei and Takil met us, and immediately I sensed the unicorn saying, or whatever, Temetle. We are in Temetle, Ria. What in the heavens and hells took you so long?
“This is Darkblade, Steplei. He will be joining us on our journey. He’s an accomplished sellsword and quite skilled with magic.”
All good and well. How shall we pay him? Sell him Takil’s helmet?
Takil growled.
Darkblade bowed formally, showing as much respect to Steplei as to Ria. “Pay me at the end. If I've been useful, I'll expect good gold. If I've been useless or a hindrance, I’ll leave it with you. Fair?”
Very well.
Then I stumbled into Flash, and realized the ground was shaking. Only Ria and Steplei seemed in control of themselves: Takil braced himself on the unicorn and I saw Darkblade on his knees, and arm around Echo and the other clenched tightly in the thick grass. Flash had both arms around me, though whether he was supporting me or if it was the other way around I wasn’t sure.
And then all I was aware of was darkness, and fear.

Blackness.
Screams.
Pain and terror.
My hands were shaking.
There was no light anywhere.
Then total sensory deprivation.
Unearthly dark.
Deathly silent.

Then, life and light, and I felt Flash’s arms around me again, and, blinking, I saw Darkblade holding Echo tightly, Takil and Steplei looking only somewhat shaken, and finally Ria, a stormy expression on her sea face.
“Cursed.” She spat quietly.
“This place is cursed.”

Sen Yama · 07-07-2008, 12:00 PM

Yay! Suspense!

EternalMyst · 07-07-2008, 10:02 PM

I just read the pro and chapter 1. I have to agree with the majority...but I like the prologue. The prologue for me seems to introduce the author and builds a connection between the reader/author and main character. It also seperates the 'real world' from the 'fantasyland' of chapter 1. The prologue makes me as a reader comfortable and enthusiastic to continue reading.
Chapter one is good. The introduction to Flash is easy to read and interesting. The way he changes for a moment in her perception is good.
I agree, the language part stands and is needed.

Can't wait to read the rest.

EternalMyst · 07-08-2008, 02:12 PM

Chapter 2

“Are you both alright?” She asked, and I recognized the aquatic voice that had wryly asked “So now what do you plan to do?” just before I had seen the unicorn…which I could no longer deny, as it lay no two yards away.
not or take out no

As Ria and Flashsharp spoke quietly behind me, I stared. Everyone knows what unicorns look like—silvery-whit