WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Hello Unregistered,
It looks you have never posted to our site before! Why not make your first post today by saying hello to our community in our Introduce Yourself forum. Why not start with your first post today and become an active part of our growing community of writers!
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writing Forums > Creativity > Fiction
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-04-2008, 03:30 PM   #31
Best Seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 630
Sparx
Send a message via MSN to Sparx
Pretty interesting. I've only read the prologue and chapter one but im pretty interested. I do agree with some that prologue doesn't really need to be there. I understand why you have put it there but i don't feel it will benefit te story but i could be wrong. Its your story after all.

I'll be reading the second chapter when ever i get the time.
__________________
"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

"poetry or the streets."
Sparx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2008, 10:41 PM   #32
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 6
BurkeleyBell is on a distinguished road
I know everyone has said it, but the prologue seems unnecessary. The first chapter was intriguing. I'll read more when I have the chance.
BurkeleyBell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-07-2008, 03:19 PM   #33
Ink Slinger
 
SparkyLT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,162
SparkyLT is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to SparkyLT Send a message via MSN to SparkyLT
Thanks Sparx and Burkeley, and Hippohead, I will change the font immediately. I don't know why I ever like Times New Roman, tis painful to look at. THanks for bringing it to my attention.
SparkyLT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2008, 04:43 PM   #34
Prolific Writer
 
Biznatch'sEfforts's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 200
Biznatch'sEfforts is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to Biznatch'sEfforts Send a message via MSN to Biznatch'sEfforts
Chapter 1, i think:
Quote:
I was so shocked that for a moment I couldn’t process it for a moment.
I don't know if anyone else pointed this out but yeah. you said 'moment' twice.

Last edited by Biznatch'sEfforts : 08-14-2008 at 05:32 PM.
Biznatch'sEfforts is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2008, 04:47 PM   #35
Ink Slinger
 
SparkyLT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,162
SparkyLT is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to SparkyLT Send a message via MSN to SparkyLT
whoops...I'm bad about that sort of thing. I start the sentence and get distracted halfway through. Blame my cat ! Thanks, Biznatch.
SparkyLT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2008, 09:08 PM   #36
Writer
 
MysticDreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: United States
Gender: Female
Posts: 26
MysticDreams is on a distinguished road
Oohooo I love every bit I read. Though it was already commented upon, and so I will not step up to suggest fix-its. Love the suspense as always.

Myst
MysticDreams is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2008, 09:11 PM   #37
Ink Slinger
 
SparkyLT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,162
SparkyLT is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to SparkyLT Send a message via MSN to SparkyLT
Thanks, Myst. I'll post the next part, since this is sort of a cliffhanger, but I don't think I will be any more. It needs some serious re-writing - I'm starting to feel like the voice is all wrong, that it isn't really coming across like I wanted it to. I'm glad you like it, though.
SparkyLT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2008, 09:15 PM   #38
Ink Slinger
 
SparkyLT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,162
SparkyLT is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to SparkyLT Send a message via MSN to SparkyLT
And here it is:
* * * * * * * * * *

Flash hadn’t made it. I just knew it.

I felt Darkblade’s arm around me relax, and the blackish muffling shield faded. I looked over and saw Echo, shaken but fine. I couldn’t have looked any better. Blinking, I saw that Ria’s barrier was thawing quickly, and inside she, Takil, and the harpan looked fine. There wasn’t a hair out of place on Steplei’s smooth back, and his mane wasn’t even ruffled. Darkblade stood, pulling Echo and me to our feet. He was beaten and fatigued, but smiled weakly at me.

But Flash…

Ria immediately gave orders. Steplei and Takil were to scout around, they and Darkblade would establish a defensive perimeter in case the centaurs attacked again (I thought, Centaurs? What?), and she would find some water source to contact her people. Echo and I should stay with the harpan, and explain the situation if he woke. Then she hesitated, and told me to come with her instead.

I was lost. Somehow we were somewhere else without going through another Quake. Somewhere with centaurs, who had for some reason attacked us. Somehow no one had noticed Flash was gone, and somehow Ria could speak with other waternymphs simply by going to a water source. Admittedly, I had been with them long enough to begin to consider this last part, at least, not so far out there.
Ria and I walked out past the dead dragon, who I tried to not even look at. We had fallen in the middle of a forest, and right away she started towards something I couldn’t hear or see. On the way to wherever, she hesitated again and started speaking.

“Gail…right now there have to be some things that are confusing you…and I’m not quite sure where to begin. You have to understand, it’s hard for me to keep in mind that things that I and other Mystics take for granted are totally alien to you. I’m sure that it would be reversed if I had ended up in Banisan, your world,” she added hastily, “I’m not saying you seem simple-minded to us…”

“That’s alright.” I said quietly. “I probably do. Just…try to remember that I’m not one of you…”

“Gail, you are one of us,” she said urgently, “That’s why we have to make sure that you can take care yourself here. If something happens to you, we’re as good as at square one. You’re one of the few humans
in Exilan. We can…we can all be replaced. You can’t.”

“Is this about Flashsharp?” I asked bitterly. “That Darkblade can replace him? That no one seems to care he’s dead? I though he told me the two of you were friends. Now you’re acting like he was never there!”

“Gail, Gail, no…no, that’s not it at all,” She laughed, a little nervously. “I didn’t…I didn’t think how that would seem to you. I’m sorry. Flash can take care of himself, he’s fine, and Darkblade or Steplei will recover him when—.”

“How can he be fine!” I cried. “He had no protection in that fall!”

“Well, not ‘fine’, maybe, but he’ll live.” Ria said, puzzled. “You don’t—? He could make his own barrier, Gail. Flash’s magic may not be so strong as Darkblade’s or mine, but he can keep himself from dying. He’ll probably be injured, but…”

Somehow it was hard to wrap my brain around. I didn’t want to be wrong for some reason, even though I liked Flash and I didn’t want him to be dead. Frustration and anger had built up inside me and vented itself in only a few sharp words. I was exhausted. I remembered how Darkblade had looked, so tired and worn out, and I knew I was no better. My mind had to accept things that it just couldn’t. I felt like I was about to fall over. Either that, or collapse crying until I curled into a little ball and fell into exhausted sleep.

That was exactly what I did.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I woke looking into white eyes, which was almost enough to set me off again.

It was the harpan, of course, both of us lying on our sides on the grass. The same grass, I assumed, I had fallen on earlier. His wings were completely frozen against his back, healing I suppose. Both of us were silent, but I could hear other voices, though they seemed far away. Slowly, the harpan placed a finger against his lips for quiet, and motioned that I should listen.

“Ria, you can’t—.”

It was Flash. I almost passed out again.

“Flash, I haven’t got a choice. I was called. I wouldn’t have been called unless there was a very good reason for it. I can’t ignore something this important! Why can’t you see?”

“Ria, this is important too! Why can’t you see?”

“Flash, I swear I will join you again at the temple. Trust me. Nothing will happen. I'll be fine. And I'll keep an eye on your from all the puddles of rainwater.”

“Ria…” Flash sounded like he was losing steam. “It… It’s not you I’m worried about. It’s the rest of us. You keep us together. Without you, we’ll fall apart, and… And then what?”

“You’ll be fine,” Ria said softly, “because you’ve got your swordsmanship and you’ve got Darkblade and Steplei’s magic skills, and you’ve got Takil’s stealth. You’ve got a harpan who will be flying in a few days.” Ria’s voice seemed to get a little quieter. “And you…you’ve got Gail, Flash.”

I could almost see them looking at each other. And I wondered.

You’ve got your swordsmanship and you’ve got Darkblade and Steplei’s magic skills.

You’ve got Takil’s stealth.

You’ve got a harpan who will be flying in a few days.

And you…you’ve got Gail.

You’ve got Gail.

What did that mean? What could I do? I was no swordswoman. I had no magic, no wings. I had nothing but two arms and two legs and, right then, one brain that was so worn out it felt like it would die from confusion and hurt and anger.

“Gail.”

For a moment I thought it was another echo going around in my head, but then I realized it was Darkblade’s voice.

“Gail! Your eyes are open.”

I jerked up like I was just waking, and I felt like I was. The fog in my head cleared. Darkblade looked like he was still fatigued, and to make matters worse he seemed concerned about me.


“Are you alright? Ria said you just fell over…”

“I…” I didn’t know what to say. I realized I was starting to cry again. I tried to stop but couldn’t. I just shrugged to Darkblade. I wasn’t alright. I didn’t know if I would be, staying in Exilan. I didn’t know if I could be.

“Ah…Gail.” Darkblade pulled me close. “Goddess…help us all. I’m sorry, Gail. I haven’t thought about what this is really like for you. We all seem so strange and creepy to you, and magic is all over. Dragons and centaurs and elves. I’m sorry, Gail…I’m sorry you have to be involved in this…I’m so sorry…”

And somehow, I knew he meant it.

And quietly, I cried. For myself, for the harpan with broken wings, for Flash sounding so helpless, for Darkblade’s concern, for Steplei’s cold-heartedness, for that world’s unstoppable doom. Unstoppable, because if I was key, then it was all pointless. What if this was common? I was going to die. Maybe that would be best…

Flash’s voice: “Alright…come on, let’s go, we gotta get moving…”

Steplei: When were you made leader, elf?

I opened my eyes and saw Flashsharp, burned and slashed and barely standing, opposite Steplei, who was shining perfectly in the sunlight that filtered through the forest. I felt Darkblade tense, and gently he stood, pulling me to my feet as well. Slowly, deliberately, he unsheathed Thunder and, giving my hand a final squeeze, stepped between them.

“Lay off, unicorn,” He say very slowly. “The leader of this band makes no difference. Flashsharp is right, we need to move before the centaurs surround us. We need to move before this dimension unravels completely and takes us apart atom by atom. I think we can all agree on that. The first smart one to speak up and rouse us should be applauded, not ridiculed. So why don’t you keep your petty power struggles—I know it’s hard—to yourself and…let’s get moving.”

You would not harm me, sellsword. You swore your life to…

“You know, I have a name, rhino. It’s Darkcu Blade Sci Khan Vektail. And the only one I swore my blades to was the waternymph Ria, and she’s not here to tell me not to skin you and make myself a nice warm cloak. Now I’m taking my swords and my squire to the nearest city, and you can follow if you like.”

He motioned to Echo, who scrambled to his feet, and the pair of them started off. Flash turned towards me. I could only blink slowly. The harpan had pushed himself up shakily to his knees, and after a second Flash came back to us. Without a word he and I supported the harpan us and set off behind Darkblade. Takil, shooting Steplei a look, hobbled ahead of us. Behind me, eventually, I heard a stamping and the unicorn galloped ahead of us, Takil, and finally Darkblade and Echo. Clearly the sellsword was not following the unicorn, though Steplei tried to lead. In silence, Flashsharp, Takil, the harpan and I could only follow them.
SparkyLT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2008, 12:26 PM   #39
Prolific Writer
 
Biznatch'sEfforts's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 200
Biznatch'sEfforts is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to Biznatch'sEfforts Send a message via MSN to Biznatch'sEfforts
Okay, I know this is a big part that I quoted, but it might be hard to find again if I just put one sentence. Either it's a typo, or I'm having a senior moment and I don't understand the grammar.

Quote:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I woke looking into white eyes, which was almost enough to set me off again.

It was the harpan, of course, both of us lying on our sides on the grass. The same grass, I assumed, I had fallen on earlier. His wings were completely frozen against his back, healing I suppose. Both of us were silent, but I could hear other voices, though they seemed far away. Slowly, the harpan placed a finger against his lips for quiet, and motioned that I should listen.

“Ria, you can’t—.”

It was Flash. I almost passed out again.

“Flash, I haven’t got a choice. I was called. I wouldn’t have been called unless there was a very good reason for it. I can’t ignore something this important! Why can’t you see?”

“Ria, this is important too! Why can’t you see?”

“Flash, I swear I will join you again at the temple. Trust me. Nothing will happen. I'll be fine. And I'll keep an eye on your from all the puddles of rainwater.”
and here, a typo:
Quote:
“Lay off, unicorn,” He say very slowly. “The leader of this band makes no difference. Flashsharp is right, we need to move before the centaurs surround us. We need to move before this dimension unravels completely and takes us apart atom by atom. I think we can all agree on that. The first smart one to speak up and rouse us should be applauded, not ridiculed. So why don’t you keep your petty power struggles—I know it’s hard—to yourself and…let’s get moving.”

You would not harm me, sellsword. You swore your life to…
and here:
Quote:
Without a word he and I supported the harpan us and set off behind Darkblade.

Last edited by Biznatch'sEfforts : 08-16-2008 at 12:36 PM.
Biznatch'sEfforts is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2008, 12:29 PM   #40
Ink Slinger
 
SparkyLT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,162
SparkyLT is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to SparkyLT Send a message via MSN to SparkyLT
Ah, yes, very much a typo. Thanks
SparkyLT is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:02 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password




Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers