Raniegh

I found it very hard to wrap myself into the book especially in the Prologue and Chapter One. I think the concept of the story is admirable, but the writing needs revision.

The writing screams amateur. The best advice I can give you is to rewrite it over and over. Read books with the same genre and mimick their transitions.

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SparkyLT

excuse me, I read a lot of fantasy. It's my favorite genre. But having said that, I need my own style, not to mimic others. And rest assured, I've re-written it loads of times. I appreciate the comment, but can you possibly be more specific about what need revising?

SparkyLT

“Are you both alright?” She asked, and I recognized the aquatic voice that had wryly asked “So now what do you plan to do?” just before I had seen the unicorn…which I could no longer deny, as it lay no two yards away.
not or take out no

ah, I see. sorry about that, it's just my bad speech habits coming out. I'll change it in my version.


As Ria and Flashsharp spoke quietly behind me, I stared. Everyone knows what unicorns look like—silvery-white horses with single spiraling horns shooting out from their foreheads. It’s another entirely to see one. His fur (unicorn fur is transparent; their skin is that gorgeous whitey color) was muddy in places, and shaggy. His mane and tail were ragged and too long, and he looked weary—but still beautiful, and so unearthly, like Flash and Ria, and still he looked elegant and majestic. I couldn’t keep from staring, and when he noticed, he turned his head so that his pure black eye caught mine…so chilling. I realized that to every one of these creatures there were two sides—Flash looked so gentle and…princely, then murderous and evil. Ria, normal until she moved. And this unicorn, so beautiful until he saw you looking at him.
normal
does she really look normal while she is still...is she clear, blue, tinted blue or just a bit pale?

Honestly, I don't have a very good mental image of Ria. I'll have to revise later on.

“Alright, Gail.” Ria began. “I suppose you’ve figured out all our names, so I'll just skip over the introductions. However, I’m sure one thing you have yet to figure out it what exactly is going on here. is

When you start to tell the lore...use "in the begining" once.

had no reply for this. I used to read a lot, and this was entirely too much like a fantasy novels I would stay up way too late reading. a novel
or take out the a

hah, oops, thanks. I'll change it.


Don’t I get a say in this?” I finally managed. Ria and Steplei exchanged unreadable looks, and Flashsharp looked down. I waited nervously, glancing between the three of them. “Well? Come on, say I can refuse!” I demanded fearfully.

^^^^ Change the dialoge here.
Uhm, I don't get the problem.

His skin, hair, and eyes were all much darker than Flash’s, and though his armour seemed to be basically the same, it was dark blue and looked thicker. Also, instead of the soft looking white cloth that was visible between the plates of Flash’s armour, silver chainmail glinted ominously on the other knight. He was a little taller, and he walked confidently, head high and eyes critical, with his wrists crossed to rest each on a pair OF sword hilts at his belt.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ not sure but i think the sentence is missing a word or something.
that it?


“Not the slightest.” He responded cheerfully. “Echo and I only just woke up. Never even knew when the Shake happened. So where are we, then?”
He responded cheerfully...sort of out of character too sudden.

“Come on, “ I whispered, “Let’s just run, he has two swords and you only have one, and I'll just be in the way, and…”
change the dialogue
don't see what's wrong with this one, either...grammatically I know it's wrong, but people don't always speak correctly.


Darkblade rose and whispered something to Echo, who seemed extremely relieved that the two elves (it seemed so strange to apply the word ‘elves’ to something I was not just imagining, but looking at) weren’t fighting after all. Flash grudgingly sheathed his sword and eyed Darkblade suspiciously. “I don’t even know what this place is. I’m sure the sellsword’s squire,” he laughed, “has no idea what he’s talking about.”
Confusing...at first i thought darkblade was in dialogue...but then because of the context I assume it is flash.

yeah, it's Flash.

“I understand you feel that way. But you see, myself and my group, we plan to make it there. Flashsharp, Gail here, the unicorn and an imp named Takil. We are, as some call it, dimension-hopping, gathering our members.” She sighed. “I hate to say it, because Flash and I have been friends for a very long time, but there’s no guarantee any of us will make it out alive. If you would come with us, I would be grateful. I’m sure we could use your skills, and as a sort of…backup in case something happens to Flash. We will pay you, of course,” She added hastily, “However much you want.”
Poor Flash...use a different dialogue to lure Dark. Use a different reason. Just his skills with magic could be a reason...not just because: in case Flash dies.
it is a bit out of character...maybe obviously i don't know, i am only a reader.

For the first time I actually felt at ease. Somehow Darkblade could always do that for me; he was just human enough (a figure of speech I can’t seem to avoid here, sorry), normal enough, to my standards, to reassure me. His quiet confidence was plenty to make me feel safe, and it seemed that whenever I needed to feel safe, he was there. Now that my little adventure is over, I have to admit that Darkblade is one of my Mystic friends I miss most. Sometimes, even in your own world, you NEED someone who can make you feel safe.
know



Thanks, I've changed all this in my copy of the book. I proofread my work, I'm surprised I didn't catch some of these. Thanks again.

Sen Yama

you're being a bit defensive again Sparky. But as for reading your genre, maybe your not reading the right ones.

I'm looking forward to your next chapter when you post it up, but I might not get to it any time soon because I'm going on vacation.

__________________

Writing is the soul dancing before another's eyes.
http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...-darkness.html Flirting with darkness, a poem

SparkyLT

EternalMyst left me a good, thorough commentary about things that I could improve. Deatailed. I appreciate that. Maybe I'm just used to squabbling with my brother, who usually proofreads my stuff, but Raneigh just bitched (sorry, but that's all it is) about it. I tried to be nice, but 'screams amatuer' ticked me off; I've been writing all my life. Maybe I am just being defensive, but four sentences of complaint does nothing to help me. Again, I appreciate people taking time to read it, because I know well it's fairly long, but if you don't want to say much, say 'I like it.' That tells me not to change anything. 'I don't like it' doesn't help at all. Now I will stop ranting, sorry about all that, I'm just telling you all how I feel.

It wasn't directed at you, Sen Yama, but mainly at Raneigh. again, sorry, but whatever. I'll post up the next chapter.

SparkyLT

“Is that what that was?” Darkblade stood shakily and glanced at the rest of us, but his focus was on Ria. “Because I know that wasn’t normal.”
Echo and I both shivered, and behind me Flash rubbed my bare arms, rather mechanically, I thought. “Ria? What do you mean by…cursed?”
“Cursed…” She said again softly. “Cursed creatures live here, Flash.”
“Vampires? Werewolves or chimeras? Things like that?” From the tone of his voice I knew Flash was pale. He didn’t seem to like his odds of winning against something like that, I figured.
Ria shook her head patiently. “No, not necessarily. Harpies, dragons, centaurs.” She paused, as if thinking for a second. “Possibly shapeshifters, though not likely, I think.”
One by one, we analyzed this new dimension.
It seemed to be a vast desert wasteland, and that was pretty much all I could say about it. There was no plant or animal life in sight, not even rocks scattered around in our utterly, depressingly featureless, hot, sandy surroundings.
Steplei went into some sort of trance to detect where we were, and Flash pulled out his small telescope again. Once the cold terror of the blackness that had enveloped us between here and there wore off, I realized how hot it was, how bright the sun was. I squinted around at the horizon, trying to help, but knowing I wasn’t. I knew my only purpose was to be ‘their human’, and fill my place at this Teméporal, and that none of them expected me to do anything. Still, the others were doing something, and I felt like I should at least take a whack at it.
After a little while Steplei shook his mane irritably, and turned to Ria. I have found the Banner here, but it is blocked, Ria. I attempted to break through to it, but it was extremely powerful. I could not.
“If I channeled my magic to you—?”
No. You do not understand what I am saying. A shadow has fallen over this place; I suspected as much because of what we experienced Between, but I am certain now.
“A shadow!? Already? We’ve no time…Flash, did you see anything?”
Flash nodded. “Yes. Northwards I saw some sort of town. I didn’t see any Mystics, though.”
“We’ll go there, then. Come on, come on! We’ll need to make this fast!” Ria motioned for the rest of us to follow, and I found myself between Echo and Steplei, Darkblade trailing a little behind.
“Steplei, can you explain to the others what we mean? I know none of you—well, Darkblade, maybe you do—understand this.”
If I must. What you all felt as we went Between dimensions was not only the sign of cursed creatures. The cold, the dark—this was a warning to us, set forth, perhaps, by the inhabitants of this place, a warning that this dimension is fraying.
“Fraying?” Darkblade didn’t seem to like the use of that word in this context. “By fraying, you mean…coming apart? This dimension is disintegrating?”
Yes, the mind voice seemed sarcastic, That is the usual meaning of that word, sellsword. It has become extremely unstable, likely due to warring inhabitants, and is fracturing more quickly than the other dimensions. He paused, then, That should narrow the possible dimensions down considerably. Vampires, werewolves, dragons and centaurs, for instance, do not fight among themselves. Little is known about chimeras, but this is not their normal habitat. That rules them out. This may be some obscure corner of Shilan; I cannot be sure. It seems most likely that this is Gurse, or, as some have called it, the Land of the Hawks.
“That’s fine.” Ria stated, striding ahead of the rest of us. Short-legged Takil struggled to keep up, cussing under his breath and breathing heavily. “We need a harpie or harpan, and maybe we can stop whatever is ailing them to slow down the fraying. Do you suppose the harpen have revolted, Steplei?”
It is possible. Ria, it imperative that we complete our quest as quickly as possible, you know. If there is nothing we can do for them, we must move on.
“I know that. It’s only a suggestion. If there’s nothing we can do, we run on and hope we reach our goal before they’ve disappeared completely. Yes. I know, Steplei.”
You sound agitated.
Ria’s voice was icy cold when she answered him. “It’s nothing. Flash, can you make out anything in that town yet? Your eyes are better than mine, or use your scope.”
Flash quickly pulled out his telescope again and trained it on the still-distant village.
“No…but I can tell now, it’s definitely harpie hunting ground. There are a few fresh kills—animals, I think a shapeshifter, can’t be sure, he’s that disfigured—on that hill there. Shall we go in the front gate? The fence is high enough none of us could jump it, and it probably has enchantments on it to prevent climbing. Doesn’t seem to be another option.” He stopped for a second, not quite long enough for Ria to answer him, and burst, “Ria, how are we going to convince one of these barbarians to come with us? They can’t have even figured out what’s going on, or they wouldn’t still be fighting. I mean…”
Ria considered for a second. “Well, I already decided it would be easiest to communicate with a harpan, and convince him to join us. We’ll have to integrate ourselves into their society as quickly as possible to contact the harpen, though. It might be best if Gail and I handled this—no offense, obviously, but you know harpies value males very little. Gail?”
“Um… Well, what… What would I have to do?” I couldn’t believe they actually needed me for something.
“Don’t worry,” she assured me. “I'll be with you all the time, and Steplei can keep in contact with you telepathically. I've no doubt he knows more about harpp culture than any of us, so he should be able to tell you what to do when you need help.” Hastily she added, “If you don’t want to…”
“No, no…I just…” I swallowed and tried to mentally form a sentence before I said it. “I'll do it, if you need my help. I just didn’t want to be in the way.”
“Good.” She sounded pleased that things were coming together to form a plan. “Flash, Darkblade, Takil—it would be best if you three kept out of the town completely. Steplei, they might let you in with no trouble. I’ve read that even the harpp have always treated unicorns with respect. Still, I wouldn’t want to push them, so go with it, alright?”
Very well. The unicorn sounded weary. Maybe he was a little tired of taking orders from Ria.
As we neared the high metal fence, we saw two harpies sitting, one each on pillars on either side of the gate. Flash and Darkblade had already insisted they go that far with us, at least, and silent Takil wasn’t about to stay behind. When we were about five yards from the pillars, Ria stopped and motioned for all of us to keep behind her. I took the opportunity to look the harpies over.
Both had fingers ending in talons, and both had wings, like a huge bird’s, sprouting out of their shoulders and twice more down their backs, which meant that each one had six long wings. One’s wings, and hair, were dark, ruby red, and the other’s was black. Their eyes matched their hair, which was long on both, and wings, and both were pale. The black-winged one was slender, with a pretty face marred by blood smears and spots. Her hair hung like a shimmering curtain down her back, somehow unmolested by her no-doubt vicious and bloody lifestyle. The red one on the left looked younger, and was more skinny than slender, her high cheekbones prominent and harsh. Her hair was matted and filthy, and she was idly picking her fang-like teeth with what seemed to be some small fragment of bone. The sisters, if that’s what they were, had identical dark blue tunics (the backs seemed to be ripped to allow for their wings) and out of place, strangely delicate feet. The redhead noticed us first and screeched to her sister a warning. The two of them shifted on their pillars to face us, simultaneously grabbing spears I hadn’t noticed laying next to them.
Black-wing said, “Do you want entrance to our nest?”
Very formally, Ria bowed (motioning for everyone to do likewise), and patiently explained the situation, much as she had to me, though without the background information. She requested that a harpp be sent to us to join our journey. She even made it sound like it would be in the harpies’ favor to give us a harpan. I knew, and we all knew, that she wanted a docile harpan instead of a war-loving harpie, but of course the harpies would want to get rid of any spare, rebelling harpen.
Black-wing, however, looked unconvinced. Then she smiled horribly, showing sharp, blood-stained teeth, and replied, “Of course. I offer you an exchange, nymph. I will give you a harpan, if you will give me—him.”
She pointed at Flash, who just stared at her. I didn’t think he quite understood what the harpie had meant—essentially trading him into slavery—for a second, but then he darted a look at Ria. Surely she won’t—? He had to be thinking.
“That—.” Ria started coldly.
“Is unacceptable.” Darkblade finished calmly. “My duty is to protect this group; if you need elvin blood, it’s mine you will be taking.”
Flash looked from Darkblade to Ria, to the harpies. Then he looked down and swallowed. He was either ashamed or terrified almost to the point of shock. I couldn’t tell. But Ria had said the two of them had been friends for a long time, I thought. She wouldn’t do that, would she?
Black-wing sneered. “I don’t want your dark blood, scekyiyah. I want the pale one.”
Flash kept up his vigil on the ground, reminding me of myself earlier.
Darkblade glared at her intensely. “I really,” he said slowly, “don’t like being called that.”
And Black-wing was sent flying backwards suddenly, blood-smattered head over pretty heels, until she fought her way into an upright position, now flapping her six wings. Darkblade, nor anyone else, had moved, and her scowl flickered over each of us. Her red sister was on her tiny feet, then up in the air, circling Black-wing and handing her her spear.
“Well done, Darkblade.” Ria murmured. “But I fear we’re only speeding the fraying.”
Darkblade still didn’t move. Echo stood just behind him, looking fearful, and Flash had finally come back to life, drawing his sword quietly and fixing his gaze on the harpies.
Black-wing took the spear and, without seeming to aim at all, threw it at Darkblade, crying something in her language. Her sister responded with a shriek, and both cackled as the spear flew straight at the elf. Then it stopped midair a good yard away, and, raising his hand as though manipulating some tiny, invisible voodoo version of it, Darkblade spun it around a few times and broke it in several places. Its remains fell to the dry, sandy ground.
The harpies were astonished.
Then Black-wing lost her temper, diving straight at Darkblade, claw-hands outstretched to scrape his face. Red was right behind her, a little above and, I think, to the left. Flash leapt and struck Red right out of the air, bringing her down with his sword to her back. She screamed in pain, calling, “Sister!”
Black-wing didn’t flinch. The now familiar cr-cr-cr-cr-crack as Darkblade unsheathed Lightning brought my attention away from Flash, and saw he was holding ‘her’ at shoulder level, so that the harpie would impale herself on it. I turned away, not wanting to see it—but after a second it was Darkblade’s cry of pain I heard. I spun back.
Another harpie—redheaded again—had come from nowhere. I guessed she had slammed into Darkblade, knocking Lightning out of his hand. Now he was on the ground, protecting his face with his hand, being assaulted by both the harpies. Somehow Steplei and Takil were nowhere to be seen, and Ria was charging towards Darkblade and his attackers, but it seemed to me she couldn’t have moved any slower. The original red harpie I saw immobile on the ground, Flash standing over her, his sword streaked with blood. His eyes were glazed, distant, and I was truck by a sudden thought: had Flash never killed anything before? He seemed shocked. Wasn’t he a knight? But…how long had he been a knight? Had he never been in any battles or anything? But then what did I know about knights…
“SISTER! STOP THIS!”
I stumbled around to look at the gate again. Another harpie—no, I realized, a harpan, it was obviously male—hovered between the pillars. He wore some sort of long pants that looked like they were made out of fur and no shirt to hinder his eight black wings. His hands looked human, without talons, and his skin was dark and unmarked with blood. Like the harpies, his hair was as pitch black as his wings, just above his shoulders, raggedly cut and knotted. He held no weapons, but just his voice, clear and strong, was enough to cause both harpies to stop, turn towards him, and fly up to his level.
Black-wing looked astonished, then furious.
“I thought I sunk you in a marsh in a glass ball, brother.”
Peacefully, he responded, “You did. I escaped.” He sighed. “Why are you assaulting this group, sister? What have they done to you?”
“They have something I want, and I can offer something in return. Him!” She pointed at Flash, who was even paler than usual, and who looked up at the harpp warily. “The white elf for any harpan I am tired of! The dark one intercepted and tried to force me to take him instead, but I have no wish for black-cat blood! He had to be disposed of!”
Darkblade groaned softly, and I snapped my head towards him so fast my neck almost broke. Ria and Steplei were next to him, though Takil was still missing. Echo had collected Lighting and was also by his master’s side.
“Winglet—.” The harpan started gently, but Black-wing cut him off savagely.
“Ebony! You fool! My name is Ebony!”
She shrieked to Red, and at once both charged him. While he fought them off, he called past them, to us, “Run! Now’s your chance!”
And Takil reappeared, panting, saying something about it being clear to the east. Flash snapped into action, dashing past me, grabbing me with one arm along the way, and supporting Darkblade with the other. Takil leaped up onto Steplei’s back, and if the unicorn was offended, he didn’t show it. He set off towards the sun at full gallop, Ria right behind him. After a second I caught my stride and was able to keep up with Flash, but Echo, with somewhat shorter legs, struggled behind us. Finally Darkblade, who was limping quickly alongside us, called, “RIA! Echo!”
Ria cut a huge back-flip back to us, picked up Echo in both arms, and dashed back up with Steplei and Takil. I stumbled over something and almost fell, but without missing a beat Flash supported my weight until I could run again. I saw Darkblade look over his should and freeze, then—
A sickening splintering, crunching sound.
Flash and I spun.
The harpan who had helped us escape was on his back on the ground, his wings crushed underneath him. He seemed to be trying to get up, but the pain in his shattered wings made it practically impossible to move. Eventually he just laid still, either given up or unconscious, with Black-wing, or Ebony, and Red circling him like vultures waiting for him to die. Had he called Ebony ‘sister’? What sort of place was this? What sort of family did this to each other? And then I thought of some places on my supposedly safe little blue planet, in my home dimension, where women were treated similarly. It seemed that the harpp had simply gone backwards: the female was dominant.
Darkblade looked at Flash. “We have to help him. He saved us. Both of us.”
“We—we can’t—.”
“We have to. It’s our duty, Flashsharp.”
Flash either didn’t try to mask his fear or didn’t do it well, but he nodded slightly.
“I know.”
Darkblade turned to me. “Gail, go on with Ria and the unicorn. Leave this to us. We wouldn’t want you to be hurt.”
“No!” I surprised myself. “I—I’m going to let you two just run off and get killed. Darkblade, you’re injured. You go on.”
He shook his head. ‘We don’t have time to debate this. Just keep out of the way.” He unsheathed Thunder and looked to Flash. “I'll take the birds. You get the harpan. If I can’t keep them off you, get Gail and go. Clear?”
Flash swallowed his obvious resentment at taking orders from a sellsword and nodded. His sword was hanging limply still from his right hand.
“Flashsharp?” I said suddenly. “Does your sword have a name?”
He started to head off with Darkblade, and answered over his shoulder, “Yes. Magestery.”
He was gone.

EternalMyst

Chapter 4
His eyes were glazed, distant, and I was truck by a sudden thought: had Flash never killed anything before?
change truck to struck.

One question:
Does the earthquack send them to the next dimension or did they intentionally warp as the earthquack happened. (Okay two) Does the earthquack cause the darkness and fear or was that the warp? I know that you mentioned that the place was cursed...but did it cause (And then all I was aware of was darkness, and fear.

Blackness.
Screams.
Pain and terror.
My hands were shaking.
There was no light anywhere.
Then total sensory deprivation.
Unearthly dark.
Deathly silent.)

I enjoyed this chapter also.
The only thing is that I found myself wondering about the prologue a bit. But I am sure you have it set up this way for a reason.
Okay three...how big are the harpies? I mean, could you craddle one in your arms like a baby?

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Eternalmyst.com

SparkyLT

eh...no, they're human-sized. I never thought about that...though I have now got this image of cute, but vicious, pygmy harpies...

what about the prolougue is it you were wondering? the feedback was a little iffy; some people said take it out, some people said add it to the first chapter...I ended up taking it out, and good riddance to it.

Thanks for the truck\struck thing. pretty big difference there, ha ha ha...ha...ha...yeah...and I feel stupid for not catching it...

as for the dimension hopping: it does need to be better explained. the hopping is totally unvoluntary, the earthquake was a side effect of it, the black-dark-evil-general badness was the 'cursed' thing. Later it'll be shown that hopping to another dimension can happen with barely a pause.

SparkyLT

um, should I post any more?

EternalMyst

I enjoy it...but it is up to you on if you want to post more.
there is no reason to reply to the prologue if you took it out.

__________________
Eternalmyst.com

Sen Yama

Yeah, Spark, post up more. It will help you get into your voice for the peice, and we'll be better to see what parts of your writing are your voice.

__________________

Writing is the soul dancing before another's eyes.
http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...-darkness.html Flirting with darkness, a poem

SparkyLT

ok. and welcome back, Sen Yama.




Magestery; it echoed in my ears. It meant something, but I didn’t know what.
And I couldn’t watch Darkblade kill the harpies.
No matter how vile and deserving of it they were, I couldn’t bear the thought of Darkblade slashing a wing off, stabbing his Lightning through a chest…
I knew many more harpies joined the fight. Flash came next to me, half dragging the harpan, and I put one of his arms over my shoulders to help Flash carry him. We looked back and saw only a cloud of feathers and claws, and I couldn’t help but whisper, “Darkblade…”
Flash shook his head and kept walking doggedly on. We could see Ria and Steplei in the distance and tried to speed up a little. “No. He’s alive. I…I can tell.”
I hoped he was right and looked back forward.
At the top of a hill, I saw Ria, with Echo standing next to her, and Takil still astride Steplei. Flash and I picked up our pace, waking the harpan briefly. He murmured something and his eyes open momentarily—as pure a white and Ria’s were green. I shivered and looked away. As I had thought before, every (I wanted to say ‘thing’) one I had met was two sided. Darkblade seemed rough and satirical, yet he mentioned a younger sister he had taken care of; the harpies were, in a haunting way, beautiful, but savage; this harpan saved us, but even he had this strange, unearthly edge.
When we reached the hill, Echo was frantic. “My master?” He asked fearfully. “Isn’t he coming? He’s not…?”
Flash indicated the swarm of harpies and turned the limp harpan over to Ria. “He’s still fighting. He said…he said he would be right behind me, and if he wasn’t, to not wait for him. I’m sorry…”
We all looked down at the battle, if that was what it was, and not a feeding frenzy. Echo just seemed shocked, and Flash wasn’t much better. I don’t imagine I was either. Steplei was unreadable, and Takil was his usual surly self. After a moment Ria delicately said, “We need to move. Come on. Ecoio, are you with us, or…?”
Echo looked up at her sadly but didn’t speak. Flash looked at the ground, sheathed Magestery at last, and spoke softly for him:
“When a squire’s master is killed, he has no purpose in life. His reason to be is gone. It was an honorable death,” his eyes flicked to Echo, “worthy of…a knight. But…”
Understanding dawned over me. ‘His reason to be is gone’? That meant…
“That’s ridiculous!” I said suddenly. Still surprising myself. “Just because Darkblade was killed, doesn’t mean Echo’s pointless! That’s the most idiotic thing I've ever heard!”
“I have to say I agree with you, Gail.” Ria stated quietly. “But it’s best to not get between elves and their honor.”
“But…” I spluttered. Why was I the only one to whom this was obvious? “But Echo isn’t—!”
“BE—GONE!”
There was an explosion. Most of us ducked, and we all looked down below. The harpies were now scattered, bloody, feathered remains—and in their midst, we all saw Darkblade fall to the ground.
Echo was the first to dash towards him. I found myself not far behind, and Flash next to me. We never managed to gain on Echo, either; he was the first at Darkblade’s side.
The sellsword was torn, scratched, bloody, and unconscious. At Echo’s whispers, his eyelids flickered open, then closed, but he murmured, a little nonsensically, “I outdid myself that time…there were to many of them to…” Then he focused on Flash and continued, “You see, I’m already a liability…I told you to just leave…”
“Darkblade…” Flash sat next to him and looked up at me. He was alert but, I thought, still moving only by force of sheer will-power. “Gail, help me get him up… We can’t just leave him here now, whatever the state of his honor his…”
I obliged without even thinking, and though Darkblade didn’t stir, I heard his faint breathing. Echo dashed around and found where Thunder and Lightning had fallen when their owner had collapsed. His leather sword belts had both snapped, and Thunder’s sheath couldn’t be found, which Echo seemed to be overly upset about. I assumed he thought Darkblade would be mad at him for letting it be lost, and assured him his master should be grateful that Lightning’s sheath (which was, after all, unique) had been recovered. He didn’t seem very comforted, but I couldn’t say I would have been in any better shape in his position.
Then we heard Ria shouting at the top of her lungs to run, run, as fast as we could, and so, of course, we stopped to look behind us.
Thousands, tens of thousands, maybe millions of harpies swooped towards us from above the tiny village. For a second the three of use, Flash and Echo and I, were frozen, and then quite suddenly came to our senses and ran like we hadn’t been, it seemed, running all day. I looked up once and saw Ria was the only one on the hill, and wondered where the others were. Not for long, of course; I hardly had time. I put my head down and ran. I was too sure we wouldn’t make it, and halfway there I was shocked why the breath was knocked out of me and Flash, Echo, Darkblade and I were lifted upwards.
I think I may have passed out briefly, but when I came to my senses I realized I was on some long, giant scaly surface. And flying. Winds beat my hair around my face insanely, and when I struggled to keep it from blocking my vision, I could look around better.
Are you injured, human? I thought it was Steplei.
“I’m okay,” I said, my voice tiny, “Darkblade—?”
Recovered already. If you are not injured, I have other things I must attend to.
“Gail!” Ria shouted to be heard over the air rushing past us. “Don’t panic! I communicated with this dragon. He is fighting the harpies off for us and he promises to get us safely away. You need to stay low and out of our way!”
I was standing up unsteadily and taking in the enormous head at the end of a long neck in front of me, and huge beating wings on either side, but I lost my balance and fell back down. Echo was next to me, looking sick, and Ria was a little way away, cradling the harpan, who seemed to be regaining consciousness. He opened his mouth in a moan, but I didn’t hear anything. Takil was hunkered down, and angry expression on his evil little face, next to Ria. Great gouts of flame came from the emerald-green dragon’s mouth, charring the harpies to instant husks. Steplei stood, balancing without any seeming effort, bolts of what seemed to be electricity shooting from his horn and electrocuting them. Flash was standing on my other side, and Darkblade was, as Steplei had said, already up and forming black balls of energy between his hand and launching the at the harpies. The wind whipped his and Flash’s hair around their faces as well, and I caught a glimmer of blinding silver at Darkblade’s right ear.
Flash struggled to his feet and nodded when Darkblade shouted, “Flashsharp! Do you know how to make Black Diffusers?”
Flash joined Darkblade and, somewhat more slowly, created the dark orbs and flung them at the hoards of harpies.
“How can there be so many of them?” I shouted to Ria, who was now gently handling the harpan’s wing, freezing them in place when she finished. I guessed she was making a sort of cast.
“They were all hiding, most likely sleeping. Harpies are mainly nocturnal. But there were far more than I though there were, even at that.” She shook her head. “It makes me suspicious.”
I crept closer to her and the harpan so I wouldn’t have to yell. Takil glared at me. “Ria, how did you get me and the others up here? We were running from the harpies and the next thing I knew I was here…”
“We were flying low, and I can elongate my limbs. I simply reached down and picked—.”
I thought I felt a slight tremor ripple through the dragon, but it could have easily been my imagination.
Take cover!
I ducked and an arrow went whizzing over my head. It struck Darkblade’s armor squarely in the chest but ricocheted off. He looked incredulous.
“What the hell was that?” He shouted. “Did we pass through to Aioh? I didn’t—.”
Flashsharp shoved him down as twelve or so other arrows came shooting straight towards him. He muttered something (the end of his comment, I assume) and thanked Flash. The two of them crawled back between the dragon’s wings to avoid further arrows.
Waternymph! I am out of my land. I weaken… I could tell it wasn’t Steplei, and looked towards Flash and Darkblade questioningly.
“The dragon!” Darkblade called over the wind.
We thank you, honorable creature. I heard Ria’s voice, now, in my mind. We will try to—
A great shudder went through the dragon, and I felt the blood rush to my head.
We were going down.
Darkblade grabbed mine and Echo’s arms and held us close. Some sort of murky barrier formed around the three of us. Through it I could see, but not hear anything but Ria’s voice, calm in my mind, Gail, don’t worry, the dragon couldn’t live long out of it’s home, but we’ll be fine—.
Through the dark barrier I saw Ria making an icy orb around herself, the harpan, and Takil, looking towards Flash as if waiting on him.
And through it I saw Flashsharp looking toward the dragon’s neck, where Steplei still stood. I could see him silently calling the unicorn, obviously getting no answer. He glanced back at Ria once, then dashed forward to Steplei to touch the unicorn’s back. Steplei spun around, knocking Flash off balance, and strode back towards Ria.
Flash fell, catching himself on the ridges on the dragon’s neck. I saw him glance down and go pale.
Ria was silently shouting for him to come on. Steplei stood impassively between me, Darkblade and Echo and Ria, his own shining barrier around himself. I realized suddenly he would have been fine if Flash had just left him where he was, and now Flash—
Then we crashed.

Sen Yama

Chap 4 bit
I hope there's supposed to be a 'not' in that sentace.

Chap 4 was also a bit confusing as to who was doing/saying everything.

Chap 5 was fine though, bit sad, but good.

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Writing is the soul dancing before another's eyes.
http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...-darkness.html Flirting with darkness, a poem

HippoHead

I an't read this at the moment purely because of the terrible font you're using. Use something less spiky and small. It's not easy for the eyes at the mo!

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Murder Me

118,073 words into novel: 'Nocturne'. Click above to read the first chapter!

Sen Yama

I do agree, it is kinda small..

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Writing is the soul dancing before another's eyes.
http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...-darkness.html Flirting with darkness, a poem