Prologue for Green Power - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Greenpower · 07-04-2008, 12:12 AM

As Hippohead suggested, I'm posting a short synopsis of Green Power before I present the Prologue.

Synopsis:
After the renowned Microbiologist Dr. Ray Pendleton leads a demonstration to close down Rancho Seco Nuclear Power Plant, Ray is assaulted by two of Dirk Hendrickson’s fellow Delta Valley Militiamen. Ray survives the beating and is changed not only outwardly but it gives him the incentive to set up Methane Digesters as an alternative source of electrical power for Lodi dairies.
Dirk’s continued attacks on the professor and his projects results in a death threatening epidemic pointing to one of Ray’s methane lagoons as the cause. The infected patients are admitted to UC Davis Medical Center. Linda McCord, a lab tech at the hospital and former student of Dr. Pendleton, works with Ray to prove that the methane power source is not the cause of this spreading disease. Both Ray and Linda develop a romantic relationship while working together. Linda is devastated when Ray develops a serious infection from the bacterium causing the epidemic.

Prologue
March 28, 1989

Flashing red lights on the control panels and the annoying intermittent deafening blast of the buzzing alarms startled the technicians in Rancho Seco’s control room. Trained eyes zeroed in on the numerous gauges and banks of indicator lights. A supervisor burst out of his glassed-in office and yelled, “OK people! What do we have?”
Confusion broke loose as numerous responses overwhelmed the bewildered supervisor. He raised both arms up with palms out and shouted, “One at a time! Sam, you go first.”
A short, slim balding man in glasses yelled back, “John, we’ve got a big problem! If these readings are correct, the main feed water pump for the reactor coolant system has shut down.” Before he could continue, the room vibrated forcibly knocking coffee cups to the floor. More red lights on the many indicator panels started flashing.
“I’ve got an overload on turbine one! We’ve got automatic turbine shutdown taking place,” a technician reported.
The significance of this event triggered John’s analytical mind as he asked one of the female technicians standing in front of a wall of gauges, “Cindy, what’s the primary system pressure looking like?”
“ It’s rising, but the indicator light for the pilot-operated relief valve is green.” She replied. “It should be correcting itself, but I am still getting a reading for rising pressure.”
He turned to yet another technician and asked, “How’s the core temperature holding?”
“It’s approaching critical,” he answered.
Another voice interrupted. “I’ve got high radioactive reading for vented gases!”
John had enough information to know that a meltdown was imminent, but he was puzzled by why the automatic SCRAM (Safety Control Rod Axe Man) had not initiated the shutting down of the nuclear reactor. Therefore, he gave the order, “That’s it, let’s shut her down!”
With that order, technicians immediately went into an automatic mode themselves. This wasn’t the first time they had gone through this scenario. Each knew their role as they toggled switches into position. A manual SCRAM had to be initiated so that the control rods could be lowered into position starting the shut-down of the nuclear fission process.
Rancho Seco was once again off-line.

Mike · 07-04-2008, 03:15 AM

Is this the prologue in its entirety? It seems to leave us without any cause for the effect we the readers have been thrown into the middle of. There's also a lot of technical information I have trouble absorbing right from the start; as a prologue, I believe you want to be concise in your storytelling, writing about an event that will impact or foreshadow the main story. Also, some questions: Is there a significant lapse of time between the prologue and chapter one? You mention Ray Pendleton as the main character in your synapsis, but a man named John is the focus of your prologue. I'm a little perplexed at that.

This story may not need a prologue unless, as I mentioned, it impacts the plot and/or the lives of the main characters. In this forum, I'm seeing a lot of stories that have unnecessary prologues because, in my belief, the writer has trouble introducing the story properly. Perhaps you should include the first chapter of your book or evidence on why the prologue is important to the story.

HippoHead · 07-04-2008, 05:01 AM

Awesome. My advice was taken seriously.
I can find no grammatical errors at all, but I find it hard to digest because there's so many big words and operations being carried out that make no sense to me. This may be because I am humble.

Candrah · 07-04-2008, 02:54 PM

LOL Hippohead. Read your reply before the post....

Candrah · 07-04-2008, 02:56 PM

Candrah · 07-04-2008, 02:57 PM

So I went back and had a look but only got as far as the end of your synopsis. Sorry. I am humble too.

Greenpower · 07-04-2008, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike

Is this the prologue in its entirety? It seems to leave us without any cause for the effect we the readers have been thrown into the middle of. There's also a lot of technical information I have trouble absorbing right from the start; as a prologue, I believe you want to be concise in your storytelling, writing about an event that will impact or foreshadow the main story. Also, some questions: Is there a significant lapse of time between the prologue and chapter one? You mention Ray Pendleton as the main character in your synapsis, but a man named John is the focus of your prologue. I'm a little perplexed at that.

This story may not need a prologue unless, as I mentioned, it impacts the plot and/or the lives of the main characters. In this forum, I'm seeing a lot of stories that have unnecessary prologues because, in my belief, the writer has trouble introducing the story properly. Perhaps you should include the first chapter of your book or evidence on why the prologue is important to the story.

Thanks for your critique. The book opens with Ray leading a demonstration to close down Ranch Seco because of it's many problems. Dirk Hendricson is head of security and when Rancho Seco is closed down, he loses his job. That is his motivation to go after Ray's methane digester project. The prologue is offered to the reader to set up the reason for the demonstration that Ray leads. The incident in the prologue occurs 10 years to the day after the Three Mile Island disaster. The demonstration occurs in June, right before the ballot issue to close down Rancho Seco. So I feel that the prologue introduces the reader to why Ray is involved in the opening chapter's demonstration. If the members of this forum are interested in seeing my first chapter, I would be glad to share it with all.

Candrah · 07-06-2008, 01:44 PM

I still havent read your actual prologue greenpower - will get to it eventually

Post your story. No guarantees I'll be able to give much feedback - it seems pretty full on with techy jargon - but I'll give you an honest opinion.

HippoHead · 07-06-2008, 06:27 PM

yes, technical jargon in specific fields should be explained if they're relevant to the story, as we're not all... microbiologist/ bacteria professors or whatever it is this is about. It'd be like - a lesson. Though the idea of learning, frankly, disgusts me.

I love you, Candrah.

Candrah · 07-07-2008, 03:28 PM

Heh, right back at ya baby

Greenpower, I read your prologue and to be honest, it reads more like the actual story. Also, the first thing I noticed - your sentences are too long. Add big words to that and you've got a story disaster on your hands (pardon the pun). Which brings me to the second thing I noticed. I didnt feel any urgency while reading this. I wasnt excited and didnt suck in my breath and go oooooh, that reactor's gonna kill them all if they don't shut it down fast. I think if you sorted out your sentences and created more tension, this might work better.

Anyway, just my thoughts. Will take a look at your first chapter soon.