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Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc.

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Old 06-27-2008, 10:19 PM   #1
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The Zodiac Missions

the title is still pending, till i find a better one but anyways, its a fantasy story about a troublesome teenager named Juvi Fukanawa who discovers he is the sign "Leo" and must find and lead the other 11 zodiac signs in a desperate effort to save the world. i would have given you the prologue, but i thought it might be boring so im just going to go ahead and give you the first chapter, which is about the Juvi fighting some thugs in an empty town. its a rough draft, so be prepared for mistakes, and lack of detail, i havent gotten to editing yet, but well anyways, i hope you enjoy.

Chapter one-The Midnight Fight

Angel City was always alive and thumping when the sun bowed out to the night. Music, lights, glittery dressed people and even money took over the city without a care. Fast, sleek cars engulfed the International Freeway going into the city, no doubt filled with no name party goers and useless celebrities. But just outside of the city, in a town where everyone was sleeping, there was a young man named Chip lying in the street, looking dazed and confused.
"Ohhhh", he groaned as he stirred. he rubbed his eyes big, blue eyes vigorously, and then looked around. there were shops that said 'closed' on it, and there were a few faulty lights in the lamposts along the sidewalks, going out every few minutes. it was a ghost town.

as Chip got up and dusted himself off, he heard the sound of a can being kicked around in the distance. he turned to look in the direction it was coming from, and heard that the sound was coming closer and closer to him. one of the faulty lights came on and illuminated a group of young men, at least four of them, who looked to be the same age as chip. hoping they would help him, he stood and waited for them to approach, which took a very short time.

"excuse me gentlemen, but im lost and i need your assistance. could you help me?" Chip asked nicely to the teenagers.

the teenage boys who all wore hoodies and looked very menacing, said nothing. chip's smile faded.

"i think i'll just go then", chip said in a faltering voice, backing away. "i'll go find help somewhere else, excuse me....."

"don't go!" someone said.

Chip turned around. it wasn't one of the beefy boys that spoke, but another young man who was obviously with them but looked different than his friends. he was tall and slim, of milk chocolate complexion, with peppery hair and shades. he wore a school uniform that consisted of khakis and a white buttoned down short sleeved shirt.

"lost you say? don't worry, we'll send you back to where you belong," he said in a deep smooth voice.

Chip looked relieved. "really? thank you so much, i'm chip by the way, it is nice to meet you!"

"i'm Zerega, and it was very nice to meet you".

Chip smiled, but looked confused as Zerega walked away.

"have fun boys", he called over his shoulder, and dissapeared into the darkness.

"oh no!" a shaking Chip gasped as the hooded goons formed a tight circle around him, ready to send him to an early grave.

well, thats not the entire chapter, its a piece. but ill keep adding more and more of it as i go along. i hope it wasnt too boring, forgive me!
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Old 06-30-2008, 04:48 PM   #2
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Go back and edit and try to give us a more polished piece so we can make a critique with some value. The dialogue needs fixing as it seems strained. Try saying it out loud and see how it sounds. You should start with the prologue and if you think it's boring,, better fix it because that's what an agent/editor will read first and judge the rest on.
Maybe have him wake up already surrounded by the thugs and have him think he is talking his way out wen in fact he isn't.
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Old 06-30-2008, 04:57 PM   #3
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i hate the main character. His language makes me want to punch him right in the face.
Not muc to complain about other than that. My gay story thing has characters with a zodiac sign each for their surnames. This is what drew me into your zodiac thing
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Old 07-09-2008, 12:58 PM   #4
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I agree, the dialogue needs to be worded differently.
The prologue should be posted in order to latch in more critiques. As it stands it is a great scene, idea, and concept of dialogue...I just think it needs to be written again from scratch.

Can't wait to read more.
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Old 07-09-2008, 11:01 PM   #5
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I don't think this story is very interesting, and doesn't seem to mesh very well. This didn't paint a picture in my mind or make me want to read more.

What I've noticed with ameteur writers is they do more show then tell. I have the same problems sometimes. Spend more time painting a picture in the reader's mind, then thowing useless facts that bore them.
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