Quest of the Wanted - Writers Forum

Raniegh · 06-24-2008, 04:56 PM

I started this and I like it, but Im not for sure if I should continue. Opinions, editing, and critique are welcome. Thank you very much.

Chapter 1:

The moon’s silver light shone over the land, and illuminated the lonely night. A sudden downpour of cold rain started moments before the sirens corrupted the silence of Carvindale. The noise echoed through the city, over the hills, and through the forest awaking all in its path. The eerie fog and the bleak darkness blanketed the land, giving Cameron the perfect chance to run from the past. The thunder muted the sirens, and the rain washed away the footprints of the wanted.

The tall trees blocked the moonlight from reaching him, making Cameron’s journey difficult. The lightning brought bursts of light to sky, and the thunder reeked havoc among the wildlife. And as the young slave ran from the king’s knights, he feared for his life.

And although the silence of the night no longer existed, he only heard the beat of his heart, and the sound of his shoes beating against the soggy ground. With his right hand pressed against the open wound on his side, Cameron navigated the forest as fast as his feet allowed. Once he broke out of the damp dark cluster of trees, Cameron knew he had to find shelter before they found him.

As he stopped running due to the pain in his side, he realized he needed to tend to his severe wound that plagued him. Impatiently he ripped a piece of his shirt and wrapped it around his wound tightly. After he stopped the bleeding the best he could, he started to search the open field, looking for anything that would pass off as shelter. Nothing, everything is too obvious. Cameron knew they would search every nook and cranny looking for him. He knew right then he was in trouble. As Cameron started running again, he realized he needed to get away from Carvindale as soon as possible, and as fast as possible.

Running in the open field, he knew he was an easy prey to the knights that were now following him. Where do I go from here? Cameron thought as panic and fear finally set in. His feet kept moving even though his body ached from his long journey.

As he ran faster, lightning hit the ground in front of him. As the bright lightning blinded him momentarily, he hesitated. I should just surrender. Cameron thought. I should just give them what they want. If only I knew what it was? Coming to his senses, and pushing those thought from his mind, he continued to run.

Minutes later and little land covered, a hut came into view. I wonder who lives there. Thought Cameron as his faith and hope was rejuvenated. As he continued to run toward the hut, a barn came into view. I’ll just stay there till dawn, and then I leave. There will no need to bother anyone.

When Cameron came into hearing distance of the hut, he crept toward the barn. Opening the barn door proved harder than anticipated due to the creaking. Once the door was open enough for Cameron to fit into, he stealthily slipped his way into the barn. Once inside he was hit by the smell of farm animals and all that came along with them. After closing the door quietly, Cameron slipped into an empty stall and lay on top of the hay. Awe!! Perfect, this will do just fine. He thought as he drifted into a much needed sleep.

***

As the sun rose, light filtered through the curtains that didn’t cover Madi’s entire window. Stretching and yawning, Madeleine sat up and swung her feet off the bed, and let them touch the ground. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she stood and started walking to the door. As she opened the door, the aroma of breakfast welcomed her. There’s nothing like waking up to a good breakfast. Madi thought as she walked into the kitchen. “This smells wonderful Papa,” Madi said as she planted a loving kiss on her father’s cheek. “Do you need me to anything?”

“Happy Birthday, Honey,” Papa said as he returned the kiss, “I was hoping to get this all one before you woke.”

“You expected me to stay asleep with all these wonderful aromas circulating their way through the house,” she teased.

“Well you sit down, the food is almost done,” Papa said as he flipped the eggs. He finished cooking, and made two plates, “Happy Birthday, to you. Happy Birthday, to you. Happy Birthday, Sweet Madeleine. Happy Birthday, to you.” Papa said as he laid the plate of food in front of Madi. It was Madi's favorite breakfast. Two eggs, ham, and fluffy biscuits.

“Thank you, Papa!! This looks delicious,” she said as she put some butter on her biscuits.

“I’m glad you like it Sweetie. I’ll be right back,” Papa said as he turned around and walked out the room. She took a bite into the ham. Mmmm. That’s delicious. Madi had finished half her breakfast before her father returned. With his hands behind his back, he said. “Because it’s your 16th birthday, I figured it was time to give you something that is very important,” Smiling he brought his hands forward. In his hands was a box poorly wrapped, but it looked like the best present she had ever seen.

“Oh Papa, you shouldn’t have. But because you did, thank you,” Madi said as she got up, and gave him a hug.

“Well you’re welcome Sweetie,” Papa said as he returned the hug, “Now open the present.”

“Alright,” she said as she started unwrap the present. After the wrapping paper was off, she pulled the top off the top. Inside the box was a well used book that had seen its days. What is this? Madi thought as she looked up at her father. Completely puzzled, Madi pick up the aged book out of the box. As her hands closed around the book, a strange sensation ran through body. What was that? As she started to open the book her Papa put his hand on the cover.

“Honey, before you open the box I want you know the story behind it,” Papa said as he waited for her reaction. “I know you don’t know much about your mother, but this is here book. Inside are things that have been passed down from generation to generation. Before your mother was kidnapped, she made me promise to give you this book when I thought you were ready. I think you are ready to learn the secrets about your mother.” Papa said as he let his hand drift off the cover. What does he mean about my mother secrets? Papa never talked about her mother. Madi’s parents had grown up together, and had married young. When her mother became pregnant, Papa bought land from the king and built the farm that Madi had grown up on. When Carvindale and Shignon went to war, Shignon warrior invaded Carvindale, and ransaced all of Carvidale's farm. They ruined crops, killed livestock, burned down whole farms, and kidnapped young women. Unfortunately, Madi's mother was on of those women.

“Papa…Wha…What…,” she tried to say, but her father interrupted her. “Honey, go somewhere by yourself,” Papa said as he left the kitchen. Madi looked down at her mother’s book and then to her food. As she stood she grabbed the book from the table. Where should I go? She thought as she stood still in the kitchen. The barn.

As she started to walk toward the barn, she noticed the mess the thunderstorm made of the farm. The ground had debris blown everywhere. Some of the trees had completely blown over. When she got within a few feet of the barn, she noticed the door was ajar. Struck with fear momentarily, Madi stopped in her tracks. Oh stop being a baby, it was probably the storm. She thought as she continued to walk toward the barn. Once she reached the door, she opened the door. As she walked toward the stalls that needed cleaning she could her snoring. She clutched the book to her chest and thought. Okay maybe it wasn’t the storm.

Sen Yama · 07-07-2008, 04:55 PM

The use of the character's name is very repetitive, try spicing up your sentance structure.

I like it, it just needs some revision

EternalMyst · 07-07-2008, 07:18 PM

Great start.
I agree with sen yama, yet I think there are additional repetitive...including the word kings knights.

The first sentence I think should be changed or replaced. Also the first sentence to Madi's part...the one about the curtains.

The story was good yet nothing grabbed me and said "You must read more."

It is probably personal bias but the part between papa and Madi made me queasy. It also seemed too long.

Maybe you should describe the books that she recieves some...was it small, brown, did it smell bad, was it pulsing with untapped energy?

When Carvindale and Shignon wet to war, Shignon warrior invaded Carvindale, and ransacking all of Carvidale's farm. (went)

Can't wait to read more.

writervally · 07-07-2008, 08:08 PM

This story sounds great to me. The only thing I would say is to watch your typos; there are a few here and there. For example, when you talk about Cameron wrapping his injury you say "rapped" instead of "wrapped." And there are a few others.
But other than that, I found this story very exciting and, though I started out reading it objectively, I immediately began to like the character Cameron and get wrapped up in the story.
So well done! I'd love to hear more, or to have you read the first two chapters of my story (currently it's on here, but labeled as "Untitled.") Keep writing!

Raniegh · 07-08-2008, 01:32 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to return the favor as soon as I possibly can.

Raniegh · 07-21-2008, 03:17 PM

Thank you for the feedback. If you critique, edit, or just comment my entries, I will return the favor.

Chapter 2:

“What do you mean he’s escaped,” the king yelled as he paced around the room. As he looked at the messenger, he stopped in front of his throne and sat down. The silence became eerier and he began tapping his finger against the hard wood. “Well..?” the king asked impatiently. The young soldier was on one of his knees looking up to the king, fear was inscribed in his eyes. “I won’t ask you again! How did he escape?”

“Sire, I am merely the messenger,” the soldier said nervously. The king waved his hand and the messenger scurried out of the king’s chambers. I will find him. The king thought as he stood from his chair. Walking over to the book case the king looked behind him. His chamber was dark and empty. Vae nark coln. The books started to shake and the walls opened into a portal to his hidden room.

As he walked into his chamber his thoughts were interrupted by Lavis. Sire. As the portal closed behind him, the king started to walk toward his chair. I told you not to reach me by telepath. You want to talk to me Lavis, meet me in my study. Closing his thoughts from Lavis, he looked around his secret place. A room that was nothing like his bedroom. It wasn’t lavished in red velvet and gold. No windows that allowed unwanted sunshine. No places for servants to hide and listen to the conversations. This room doubled as a secret meeting place, and a sanctuary. As his thoughts started to drift toward his latest problem he saw a blast of blue out of the corner of his eye. That was fast.

As the king turned his head, he saw the only person he could trust lately. Lavis, a young wizard, started to walk toward the king. He got on his knee and bowed his head and said, “Sire.”

“Oh, there is no need for such formality. Stand up Lavis,” the king snapped. As the young man stood he met the king’s eyes. “Now, would you please inform me how my son escaped?” Realizing that the king was angry, Lavis took a step back.

“Uh, Sire I cannot fathom how Prince Cameron eluded our men. We took precautions, but all of them seemed to have failed,” Lavis said as he started to move toward the lamp. “When the new guard started his shift, Cameron caught him off guard. The shift change allowed Cameron the head start. When the next guard came for his shift, all he found was the dead soldier. They followed his trail, but it ended in Fargoul Hills.”

Lavis looked into the eyes of the king; the pure fury brightened his green eyes. The frustration showed from the deep wrinkles etched on the side of his eyes. “Send our best men after him. I want him captured dead or alive,” The king hissed in Lavis’ direction.

“Sire, you know that we need Cameron. Without him our plan will perish. Without him we will perish,” Lavis said calmly. “No matter how betrayed you may feel Sire, we both know Cameron is useless dead.”

“Then I want him brought back here alive, and I want him back her now,” screamed the king. The echo bounced against the walls of the study, and died off. Lavis bowed his head, teleported out of the room. And Lavis, if the men aren’t capable of catching him send out the dragons. The king said as his thoughts connected with Lavis. If the situation deems fit, I will release Argots and Shafto, but only as a last resort, Sire. Lavis replied. You will release Contona and Garea, along with the others. The king demanded. As you wish Sire.

***

While Madi’s mind wrapped around the situation, she hid behind the stall door. Looking through the cracks of the stable she saw a body. Uhhh? Madi thought as fear started to set in. When the body stirred, she grasped the book to her chest. Oh my god. What should I do? As her thoughts went in complete different direction, she looked back at the body. His body started to stir, and the wound on his side became visible. He’s injured.

Coming to her senses she set the book down and stood up. Opening the stall, the boy turned toward Madi. Surprised he tried to sit up, hissing the boy put his hand against his side. “Um, I…I... was just...Um,” the boy tried to say. Pain was written across his face, and tears blurred his dark blue eyes. “I just needed a place to sleep,” he said as he slowly sat up. “I’ll be gone as soon as possible.”

Speechless Madi stared in the boy’s direction watching him awkwardly trying to stand. “Uh, my name is Madi,” she said timidly.

Shocked and puzzled the boy looked up and said, “I… I’m Cameron.” Tilting his chin of defiantly he tried to stand up again. Almost standing up he stumbled on fell on his side. Gasping with pain he rolled onto his side. Oh my! Madi thought as ran to his side. On her knees, Madi tried to look at his wound. He’s lost a lot of blood. Trying to find the right words, she said, “Can you move your hand? I need to look at it,” she said in a shaky voice. Moving his hand out of the way, she untied the makeshift bandage and lifted his shirt. Some sort of gash across his side. “How… I mean, what happen?” Madi said as she stood up. As she waited for a reply, she realized that it needed to clean, and stitched up. “Looking at how deep that gash is, I’ll need to clean it and rebind it.”

Hissing with pain, Cameron face read confusion. “What do you mean. Just cast a healing spell. I would have, but I lost too much power getting away.” Getting away? Spell?

“Very funny,” Madi said as she walked out of the stall. “I’ll be back in a second.” With looking behind her she picked up her mother’s book, and ran to the house. When she got into the house, she went right to the kitchen. Setting her mother’s book on the counter, she looked around the old kitchen. Where is the needle and thread? She thought as she started rummaging through the cabinets. After checking every cabinet, she ran to her room. Lifting clothes, and books she finally found them in her jewelry book. Now, All I need is that salve Dad uses when he cuts himself. “Dad,” Madi yelled as she started to walk toward his. “Dad, I need your special salve.” Realizing that he wasn’t in his room she yelled. “Dad, Where is your salve.” With no answer, she thought. Ahh, whatever I’ll find it myself as she started looking in his dresser drawers. Finding it in the bottom drawer, she turned and ran to the kitchen. Grabbing a towel, she walked out of the door, Uhh, Mom’s book. I have to go get it.

As she walked back to the house, a loud crash came from the barn. Hurrying into the house, she grabbed the book. Slamming the door behind her, Madi sprinted to the barn. As she opened the door she was blinded by a bright light. What now??

EternalMyst · 07-22-2008, 09:21 PM

“Uh, Sire I cannot fathom how Prince Cameron eluded our men. We took precautions, but all of them seemed to have failed,” Lavis said as he started to move toward lamp. “When the new guard started his shift, Cameron caught him off guard. The shift change allowed Cameron the head start. When the next guard came for his shift, all he found was the dead soldier. They followed his trail, but it ended in Fargoul Hills.”

Lavis looked into the eyes of the king; the pure fury brightened his green eyes. His frustration was given away by the deep wrinkles etched on the side of his eyes. “
too many shifts (in 1st para) and eyes (2nd para).

Lavis said as he started to move toward lamp.
the lamp or is the king's name lamp.

Lavis, a young wizard, started to walk toward the king.
if it is a secret room used for privacy...then maybe add something like "as the door closed". I get a picture of the door being wide open as these two interact.

Um, I…I... was just...Um,” the boy try to say.
tried

Based off of previous chapters, wouldn't Madi be a bit more worried about her father?
Nice twist at the end...can't wait to read more.

Raniegh · 07-24-2008, 12:22 PM

Thanks for the help. I'll edit it.

I'll return the favor as soon as possible.

Taxiday · 07-25-2008, 10:28 AM

I find it okay and the first paragraph is descriptive.
But ... (Knew that was coming, didn't you?) it needs to be revised. It just doesn't flow correctly and is missing something. I sense there's a "hook" in there somewhere but don't see it.

SparkyLT · 07-25-2008, 12:02 PM

I like it ok...but like someone said before, nothing about it grabs me and makes me want to read more, and I don't really know how to fix that problem. I guess just revising would help. Sorry. Other than that, I can't really say anything that hasn't already been mentioned.

Raniegh · 07-25-2008, 01:49 PM

Thank you. I will return the favor.