My story - fantasy - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

assassin · 06-24-2008, 07:13 AM

Deleting

Wintermute · 06-25-2008, 01:11 PM

Above all, the writing isn't bad, but it's verbose. I see you want to pay attention to milieu and imagery, but the pace is really dragging - Much so that I'm already bored before I get to the first line of dialogue.

Description isn't bad, but you should find a happy balance. I really don't care about wall torches or encroaching shadows. I have an imagination. I'm aware of what dungeons look and feel like. Just get me to the story.

The writing needs tightening. You spend paragraphs describing what could be summed up in a single sentence. You could probably go back and trim about 90% of this and your story won't suffer, because there really is none.

On another note, I also find the dialogue forced. I know it's a fantasy and sometimes it merits more formal diction, but it still needs to be truthful.

Anyway, I think you have talent but this feels too much like a first draft.

Good luck.

HippoHead · 06-25-2008, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by assassin

I'm not entirely sure how long this will end up being, or even if I'll split it into chapters. It doesn't even have a good title at the moment. But here it is.

------

The world was hushed and dark, not even the moon dared to show her face on such a cold night. A little silly, to be honest Winter cloaked the valley in whiteness that crept down from the mountains, its presence aiding the hunted by muffling their passage from the hunters if this is irrelevant, can it. If it isn't, good work. It's a nice sentence. It also did much to quieten the steps of a lone horse and his rider.

The horse, grateful to be swathed in blankets thick enough to keep the cold at bay, sighed horses don't sigh as it walked. Never had it wandered from the road that slept beneath the snow. Beyond the valley was as much a mystery to the animal as it was to the rider. But neither cared to see what lay beyond. To the horse, his only concern was food, and plenty of it. The rider knew the danger of leaving the valley’s safety, and valuing his life, chose not to venture from the land he knew. Although sometimes danger came to him, which was why the entrance to the quiet little valley was guarded by a fortress.

Having overseen its construction, he was quite proud of the building. Effectively blocking the narrow passage in, and with outer walls thick and steep, it left no doubt in an attacker’s mind that any assault would be difficult.

For the first time in years, he’d been forced to leave his creation; called back to the palace standing at the other end of the valley. It was this grotesque beast that loomed before him as day neared. It sat like a hungry vulture, the main body hugging the ground while stupidly a little too colloquial, and a terrible word to use as an adverb tall spires reached out to jab at the starry sky.

They entered the covered courtyard, hooves ringing sharply on the cobblestones. The horse skittered sideways as twin doors slammed behind them. The sound echoed in the enclosed space, hammering ears that had grown accustomed to the softer crunch of compacted snow. He halted near the doors and waited for his sight to adjust to the harsh torchlight.

There, I critiqued a part (I know it's not up for critique, but I just wanted to point a few things out)

Wintermute has some good points. He's harsh, but he's right.

I like the way it's written. As has been said, it drags, but it's pleasurabley dragged.

assassin · 06-25-2008, 06:35 PM

Wintermute: To be honest, this is the first draft. Having to rewrite an entire story already (and still doing it), I don't like continuing with any story until someone else has seen it. After all, I love books with paragraphs of scenery description and my own description has a habit of running off on me.

Hippo: Thanks for the critique. I'll fix some of the points you've suggested. But you might wanna know that horses can and do sigh, I've heard them

HippoHead · 06-26-2008, 05:50 AM

they do? =o

.... awesome =O

Wintermute · 06-26-2008, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by assassin

Wintermute: To be honest, this is the first draft. Having to rewrite an entire story already (and still doing it), I don't like continuing with any story until someone else has seen it.

I really don't think you should seek the approval of others before finishing your work, otherwise you're prone to never get anything done. This is counterproductive and your work will suffer. If you need the permission of another in order to write, very well. Consider it granted.

Candrah · 06-26-2008, 03:18 PM

I ended up skimming this because I got bogged down with all the descriptive imagery. Good in small doses but I think you overdid it, which is probably what Wintermute and Hippohead said but in a different way.

Anyway, this could be good with a bit of work.

And horses are cool beasties

assassin · 06-27-2008, 12:11 AM

Wintermute: Not asking permission, merely an opinion of what I have so far. I try to keep a similar style all through the story, and once things (like description) are there, I'm loath to remove them. I find it easier if I know I'm being too ... whatever and go from there.

Candrah: Thanks for giving it a shot. I keep fogetting that not everyone can devour tons of descriptive imagery like me. Trying to fix it at the moment.
And yes, horses are very cool

sisera · 07-03-2008, 08:28 PM

Like Candrah said, the reader (or, at least, this reader) will end up skimming past a lot of the imagery because there's just too much in too short a time. I'd try to trim whatever isn't immediately relevant to the story (within reason, of course...can't have a story consisting of "Bob saw there was a big dragon so he killed it and married the princess. The End.").

On a kinder note, I do really like the story. If you could trim it up, and even if you don't, it will be a great story. Can't wait to read more!

SparkyLT · 07-07-2008, 12:54 PM

gah, screw you all (sorry, no offense, I'm just typing what hits my head.) I like the imagery. I have a good imagination but I like it when the scene is properly set. And winter is an awesome thing to descibe, and you did it very well. Having ranted, since the general consensus in to take some of it out, that is probably the best idea. I'm just putting in my two cent.

alanmt · 07-07-2008, 01:09 PM

I also like the imagery - it is my favorite part of this piece. I don't think it is too much description which bogs it down, I think it is the heavy prose, too much passive voice.

I have some more specific comments - will try to add after work.

Sen Yama · 07-07-2008, 01:11 PM

Agreeing with above posts. I saw alot of passive voice.

Quote:

Never had it wandered from the road that slept beneath the snow.

And the immagery does drag on a bit.

assassin · 07-07-2008, 05:33 PM

I won't be replying much to this thread in the next week as this story's been shuffled to the back burner while I try to finish the last chapter of another story.
Any comments will be appreciated. I'd just like to point out that I have already trimmed some of the imagery, and taking off much more will mess with my vision. But now I see it, I will have to take an axe to that passive voice when I return to it.
Thanks

EternalMyst · 07-07-2008, 07:25 PM

Good start.
I enjoy the descriptions...fantastic visual comfort.
Yet, I am happy to hear that you have taken the advice offered and slimmed the imagery down a bit without destroying your vision.
***
The writing sets the tone for the type of story it is...I think.
***
The way the characters were acting towards each other seemed odd until it dawned on me that the characters were not normal.

Seems like a good intro to a great story.

Can't wait to read more.

assassin · 08-13-2008, 04:48 AM