HippoHead

i have figured out the problem.

1) it starts off campy, which can be hilarious, but here it looks like it's not camp by choice. Exaggerate the campiness so that it doesn't just look badly written and it'll be hilarious.

2) the second part is still camp. And this is most certainly not intentional. These caricatures are as irritating as the ones in the movie. Taking out the trash (ugh) they use sarcasm (ugh) 'mom' (ugh) over-friendly, jokey chitter chatter (ugh)

unbearable cheesiness. Make it hilariously cheesy and it'll be funny in an intentional way rather than in a 'lol-look-at-this-gayness' way.

SoNickSays...

You know, this story is really really good in the sense that it shows what other opinions really mean to a story.

It's like, BEFORE it was a weak, conflict-less horror book with too much dialogue, and NOW...

I'd love to see the finished and edited version.

I think you'd go well to make this a Shawn of the Dead or Hot Fuzz type of book. You keep the action/conflict/horror and you add in the odd bit of comedy here and there, but not too much. It keeps the flow of the horror going well while also reminding the reader that it's quite comic, which I think you'd go well to aim for. Remember: Shawn of The Dead, not Scary Movie (over-the-top).

In the beginning you're kind of... I'd like to say over-doing it, but I think it's more of a misinterpretation problem. You have the right idea in your mind but it's not translating well on paper. For this part, I would suggest re-writing the beginning a number of times. The first re-write could be no camp whatsoever, then as you gradually go along you get more camp and comical, until you have a very camp and very comical piece in front of you. Have someone read all these sections (because of this, try not to write too many) and see which one fits best with the flow. You may find you should throw out the camp all together, or you may find you need to increase it by a huge factor to let the reader know that what they're reading isn't poor writing.

As Candrah said earlier, Edropus really has covered anything else, and I'd aim for completely covering his advice first.

So that's what I think, but, y'know, it's just my opinion. You should ask Ox or Lin. They'd give a punctual, snappy reply that will tell you everything you need to know!

Nick

TevenB

Lol, wow, thanks everybody!

Candrah (Glad to see you back as well), SoNickSays, and Hippohead. I appreciate all of your comments a thousand times. Once again to you as well edropus. I have a fairly good idea on how to improve this a great deal. The next time you see me post the revamped version, it should be MUCH better!

Wintermute

I know the opening paragraph is supposed to be satirical, but nothing really changes in the subsequent paragraphs. Your "real" characters are nothing but cardboard cut-outs with bad dialogue.

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TevenB

Yes, yes, I know Wintermute. You aren't saying anything that they haven't said already. If you are going to comment, at least say something they haven't. And the "real" characters you mentioned are REAL without the quotations. Nevertheless I do appreciate your comment.

Wintermute

You have some nerve responding that way, after I took the time out of good reading to read and comment on your story. There was no rudeness here besides what you spewed forth. It's obvious you came to this forum looking for praise. Sorry to disappoint. Go to your mother.

I've seen the way you treated the other reviewers and I will not stand for that. I know that you think you're God's gift to writing and that your piece is flawless and deserves to be worshipped, but you need to get your head out of your ass once in a while and sniff some reality, you snide little weasel.

Nice edit, but you were better off deleting the blather and leaving the last sentence.

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"I never desire to converse with a man who has written more than he has read." - Samuel Johnson

TevenB

First off, if I was looking for praise I would have been rude to everyone, I was barely rude to you. I am looking for comments for me to improve as a writer, you provided nothing, which is why I responded the way I did. Lol, this story deserves to be praised? I know it doesn't, I wrote it in ten minutes!

Also, if you didn't notice, I thanked Hippohead afterwards. My first reply to him was trying to find out as to why he disliked it. I really want to snap back as you have with me, but I am really holding myself back right now.

Look, my ego is not so huge that you would think I am looking for nothing but praise. And I am also very sorry that in the end you ended up looking like a bigger ass than me.

Wintermute

Funny, you could've fooled me.

For the record, I don't read other comments. This way you can assure that I'm not being biased or persuaded in my review. I go into it with a fresh mentality. If other people said it, there's obviously a problem. This validates their opinions.

You wrote this story in ten minutes and you already posted it? Yeah, you're looking for praise. You took no consideration for your reviewers by revising the glaring, obvious errors you obviously know you have a problem with first. Nope, I think you wanted a few quick, "Yup, good jobs" before you continued.

And you aren't going to improve as a writer with that shitty attitude, sorry. You'll be getting no more help from me anyhow.

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"I never desire to converse with a man who has written more than he has read." - Samuel Johnson

TevenB

Yeah, I have the shitty attitude, even though your the one on the tirade. Are you really sitting there and telling me my motive as to why I posted my story? You have no damn idea why the hell I posted it.

I mainly posted it so that the usual users who read my stories could give me their opinion. I never get opinions from anyone new really. I finished one story, in the middle of another one. And I only have two regular readers. I had no idea so many new people would comment.

So, it took me by surprise when Hippohead was the first to comment and say he didn't like it. However, I didn't blow up in his face, nor did I get an attitude with him. I treated him with respect and asked him questions.

When I first came to these forums my writing was shit, I have already improved and will only improve further. I have no shitty attitude, I treat everyone who posts on my stories with respect, except you obviously.

And good, I dont need your cranky ass commenting on my stories anymore anyway. I should also add that I dont know your methods for commenting. Everyone here has basically said the same thing you said. I guess I shouldn't say anything next time.

Wintermute

Finally got tired of the smell of your own shit and figured it out?

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"I never desire to converse with a man who has written more than he has read." - Samuel Johnson

TevenB

Yeah, I'm smelling shit alright, its not me though. You should not comment anymore, you're annoying.

Wintermute

Keep telling yourself that. Maybe one day you'll learn a little humility. After your story loses in an elementary school contest, perhaps.

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"I never desire to converse with a man who has written more than he has read." - Samuel Johnson

Hawke

Okay, folks. Please stick to constructively criticizing the work posted and not the member posting.

As a general announcement, threads in which the posters insult each other will be closed. Don't let it get to that.

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ZachinaHat

[quote=TevenB;1147845]
Not to be rude, but that sounds awfully close-minded. You have to have conflict in every story just to have certain people read it? There would be conflict, but not at the beginning. Other than making the intro with Tristan and Jenny more meaty, I dont see what I can possibly do to make conflict this early.[quote]

It is actually part of literature 101, every single english teacher I have had {8} has said that stories are nothing with out a minor conflict

probably the best way to sum it up.

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