Deamo

Do keep in mind this is a first draft.
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As the orange dawn broke through the frail window frames, the girl lying in the bed at the far corner of the room, flinched in her sleep. Repeating the act of pulling her sheets above her head.

Startled by the sudden morning chime of the church bells, she pushed the covers off, and went to pull the curtains properly apart.

The room was relatively small, rooming a single bed, made of straw, a bath tub, hardly fit for a sixteen year old girl, and a wooden commode.

At the oval carpet at the centre lay a lamb, snuggling in the luke warm sun. Patting its head, she beckoned it to follow her, sauntering to the door, she stoped at the treshold. Looking into the living room, she grabed her long, and unmistakably old, coat, clothing herself in the warming fur.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." Aunt Elen welcomed dismissively, contemplating the girls clothes, "Shouldn't you be better dressed, Haniel?"

Haniel gave the middle aged woman a questioning look, and tried to mumble a "why" through her mouthful of bread.

"I doubt Michael would approve of such light garment," She near chuckled at her nieces espression of fear, while pondering how to continue, "before you are married."

Haniel stared, obviously embarrassed by the blunt remark. This made Elen laugh out loud, she loved to comment on Haniel's unusual habits. Especially when they made her blush.

"Shouldn't you get ready?" a raised eyebrow wanred Haniel she had little time, "He'll be here in about fifteen minuter."

Chocking, Haniel stood up, and without further ado, waved a hand to dismiss the cutlery and plate she had used to prepare breakfast. Storming into her bedroom, she washed herself and got into her most flattering frock.

After that, she went into the top drawer of the commode and retrieved the sole, engagement, ring inside. Concidering her time carefully, she ran her thumb on the flawless, gold exterior.

Then, concidering its interior, she read the two words within, "we will..."
-x-
"...meet again." The young man sighed. He had always been puzzled by those two words, yet he was well aware it had something to do with his past.

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Oki, there is more to it {that I have written already}, but I wont write it.
Hope you enjoyed, and strict opinions are always welcome!

GhostingReality101

I am confused.

Haniel the girl gets up, lets the lamb know that it should follow her, then wraps herself in a fur coat.

Her aunt Elen says good morning and then Haniel all of the sudden has a mouthful of bread.

Later without warning Haniel has a plate and has apparently used it to prepare breakfast.

Overall its not a bad first draft, just need to explain the progression of events more and work on the spelling.

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Do or Do not, there is no try

Yoda

Deamo

hehe, I sort of noticed some of those myself after I had written it out. Especially the spelling (am normally not a bad speller, but I suppose I rushed it when writing it out =/ And my keyboard gets stuck at times.)

Thanks for the comment.

Raniegh

I think the concept is pretty good.

i noticed that you do more telling than showing.

very little description is shown. you spend more time telling the reading whats happening, then describing.

you must have an equal balance of show and tell because if you just give tell it makes the reader have little interest because they dont have to use their imagination.

but i like it please post the rest

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