Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Fiction
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-06-2008, 06:31 PM   #1
Addict
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
pabs is on a distinguished road
Without a Shield - Part Two, Chapter 1

This is my newest adventure in the dystopian setting. It's very different than anything i've done before. And no, if you're worried, it's not another 'The world is ruled by corporations' story like it seems to be in the beginning. This a short bit of the first chapter. It will be continued. So, enjoy I hope:

Without a Shield

Chapter One:One Chance



He knew it was coming again; he felt it. Taking his hands from the assembly line for a moment, he simply stood, breathing. Sometimes, if he timed it right, he could catch just one breath; a single breath of fresh air. Not that the mask made breathing seem natural, but it had become part of him, forming to him like some parasite. The relationship was symbiotic. Without him, it had not shape, just a formless mass. Without it, he had no life. Ha! Hardly a fair trade, he thought. But it was no matter.


“Jack,” someone whispered. “On alert!”


Jack nodded, returning to the machines. He watched as bottle after bottle made its journey down the unchanging path. Each stood six centimeters from the next, each placed precisely in the middle of the line. Soon they would be ready. A machine would place tops on them, pretending to protect it from the dangerous particles of the everyday air. Next it would be shipped across Republic of America, to hands eager to receive them, to people that deserved them, for only thirty dollars a bottle. For that price, the people of America could have a sense of security from the terror of migraines. In those times, it was good to have any sense of security whatsoever. But alas, chances were the pills would just make the headache worse.


The door behind them swung open, a loud screech piercing his ears. He had never grown used to it. Not in five years. That door was his enemy, its soul purpose to antagonize him day in and day out; to make his day that much worse.


I turned to look, seeing all the others do the same. The light from the door cut a swathe through the virtual lightlessness of the machine room. The machines around it buzzed with a new intensity as light shone upon them, revealing each of their moving parts. A man stood there, a buttoned up black coat wrapped around his thin body, a small, thin hat sitting atop his head lightly. It was the task-master.


“Listen up, folks!” he said in his normal, smug voice. “Powers above want a couple kind employees to join them upstairs? Now, I'm gonna be nice today, and I'm gonna give you all a chance to choose to help out your kind employers!”

There was utter silence. Everyone knew what went on upstairs. No one was sure, but there were enough clues to have a man cowering when he is asked to go a see the place. The test labs; that's what the Council of Advisers called it. The employees called it Hell.

"No volunteers? I'm giving you a chance to show your loyalty!" the task-master laughed. "These men feed you and give you shelter. Can you not just help them for a moment?"

He drew his gun, smiling broadly, pointing it around at the group.

“I'm sure someone will volunteer,” he said in a low tone. He flung the gun about wildly, pointing in every direction. “Harry," he said, stabbing the gun into the short man's face. "Why don't you help me out. Hey, and why don't Jett, Mick, David, Lorp, and Jack join you. They're all your buddies! Go on, guys, volunteer!"

Jack froze, his heart beating quickly. The task-master smiled at him, ushering him on. Taking a slow, tentative step, Jack presently began to advance towards the master. The others gathered around him as well, some glancing back at the friends they were leaving behind, some just looking to the sky and asking why.


They made their way down the machine room floor quickly, the task-master behind them, his gun pointed squarely at them as a mass. As such, he would never fail in hitting at least one of them if they stepped out of line. Jack led the way out the door and into the hall beyond. There was nothing but whiteness there. The lights above burned into his eyes, his vision blurring. They glared down on the group, never ceasing, showering them in unnecessary light. It was as if they were there to make each one passing by to feel small.


The elevator stood at the end of the hallway, the door sliding open quickly after the task-master hit the button. They all stepped in, silent, frightened. As the doors shut, the elevator was enveloped in darkness. Flashes of light peeked in here and there as they passed small holes in the wall. The shaft seemed endless, the elevator climbing on, never slowing, never faltering.


There was a small beep. Their journey was ended abruptly, the elevator lurching upwards before finally settling in a fixed position. Jack regained his balance, breathing heavily. Again, this time on the opposite side, the doors flew open. Jack’s eyes went wide. He had never seen the test labs before, and, he had to admit, they were quite a sight. The walls were a bright white, light from the small floor lights glimmering off of them like smooth, calm water. Oddly shaped, blue windows revealed strange looking laboratories where men in bleached white coats worked away tirelessly. At the far end of the room was an enormous window, built into the shape of PhilaCorp’s logo, the Rising Sun. It gloriously shed light across the entire area.


Behind that veil of beauty was a view of the city; Philadelphia. The smoke-stacks of unrestricted industry created a mask over the lower slums, their mouths coughing up black smoke. The tallest of sky-scrapers were run down, every other window shattered, the steel rusting away slowly.


“May I attract your attention from the beautiful view?” the task-master spat. All of them turned on the spot, facing him.


A man in a white coat approached them, smiling broadly. It was one of those smiles that Jack hated; one that tried to hide the fact that the person was about to do, say, or ask something to your or of you that would seem insane.


“Today you’re going to be asked to test some materials,” he said in a calm voice.


Jack closed his eyes, gritting his teeth. This was it. With his luck, he was dead.


“Follow me this way,” the scientist continued. They nodded, following him down the winding corridors.


Jack glanced to his right, squinting to more easily see through the blue glass that met his eyes. Dozens of tables littered the room beyond. Atop them were long, black bags, all filled with something of strange shape and form. He looked to the back of the room, seeing yet another scientist standing beside a table. On it sat yet another bag; yet this bag was open. An arm hung limply over the side of the table, unmoving and cold. Jack gasped. Dead. They were all dead.


The window broke off abruptly, and soon he found himself staring at a white wall. He continued as if he had seen nothing, sweat beading on his neck and forehead.


“Right through here,” the man leading them said, motioning for a squat door near the end of the hall. There was a sudden quiet then. It was like everything, living and not, was paying tribute to that final calm moment.


“No more deaths!” someone screamed. The wall exploded in front of them, stone and shrapnel shooting down the hall like tiny missiles, fire exploding upwards and outwards at anyone who dared approach.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Last edited by pabs : 06-09-2008 at 10:23 AM.
pabs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2008, 01:19 AM   #2
Member
 
AlienatedAlien's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Sydney
Gender: Male
Posts: 20
AlienatedAlien is on a distinguished road
I like the story and your style. Almost perfect.

Just one thing that doesnt seem quite right is how the task master comes and asks for voulenteers. There is no way anyone would ever voulenteer right? So why would he bother to ask anyone and waste his time every time he needs voulenteers? He would just pick people immediately and force them upstairs. However, you could have it your way with him asking for voulenteres if you further emphasse his smugness, how for the TM it could be a game, a means of exerting power and control, striking fear into people...and by asking them he is teasing and patronising them... make sense? think it over.

Hate to be petty, but I figure you would want to know about one or two minor things...

Not that the mask didn’t make it seem unnatural... i think there are too many negatives here and the sentence could be more simple

He watched as bottle after bottle made their journeys down... needs to be corrected.

I like this so far and will read further installments out of genuine interest.
AlienatedAlien is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2008, 01:53 AM   #3
A-L
Profound Writer
 
A-L's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,190
A-L is on a distinguished road
It could just be me of course, but your story has a sort of strange appeal to it that I wouldn't bother reading more of. I believe some of you sentences needed corrections, as Alien pointed out. Aside from that I like your idea so far.
A-L is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2008, 06:17 AM   #4
Prolific Writer
 
HippoHead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 468
HippoHead is on a distinguished road
I like this, too. Intriguing. And i wanna know what happens up in that room!
HippoHead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2008, 08:18 AM   #5
Addict
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
pabs is on a distinguished road
Thanks all. Glad it's good. I was worried as I had taken a little hiatus and I didn't know how warmed up i'd be.

Anyway, thanks for pointing out those mistakes alien. I'll change 'um up. I guess you're right about the volunteering. I think making him show a little more misused power would be good, so I'll try and edit it that way. Thanks again everyone!
pabs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-2008, 08:31 PM   #6
Addict
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
pabs is on a distinguished road
It's at 900 words. It'll be up tomorrow morning.
pabs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2008, 10:03 AM   #7
Addict
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
pabs is on a distinguished road
Chapter One - Part Two

Jack stumbled about blindly. It was a strange sensation that he felt, as if he could not find himself. Smoke and dust clouded the hallway around him. His breathing came in steady gasps, his head bobbing up and down like a buoy on the sea. Screams and yells met his ears, but none of it seemed understandable. He could not comprehend that moment, simply moving around without purpose.

He took a step forward, emerging suddenly out of the smoke. Cursing loudly, he jumped back. As the veil was finally lifted, he found himself standing on the edge of a great drop, the wall before him torn open entirely, revealing the gray, pock-marked street below. He stood there for a moment, simply regaining control of himself.

His view spread to other parts of the factory. No inch of it seemed undamaged, smoke and fire rising up all around him. The national flag that he saw everyday on his walk to work was aflame, an enormous red one taking its place.

He turned, facing what remained of the test labs. Several bodies littered the floor, including the very scientist that was going to sentence him to death. It hit him then. He had been saved. He was free. By some miracle, he was free.

A loud crack reverberated through the hall. Jack ducked instinctively. He knew that noise. It came again and again in a pattern. It came from everywhere; outside, below, everywhere. It was gunfire. He threw himself against a wall. Whatever was happening, he knew one thing: he had to get out.

He took a single breath, preparing himself. Recent memories seemed distant as he scrambled to remember the path back to the machine room. Another shot rang off, this one closer than the others. He was off without another thought, shooting down the hall and around the corner.

The elevator door appeared out of the slowly clearing smoke. Jack smashed his hand down on the button, standing absolutely still. There was a slow winding, then a click. The door opened, revealing the dark emptiness of the elevator shaft. He threw his fist against the wall, turning. There had to be another way out.

The hallway was like an intersection, the path from the elevator leading to a three others. One would lead back to where he had come from. The other two might lead to an escape. He wandered forward without care or worry, stumbling out into the center of the intersection. There was an ominous cacophony of ticks from beside him.

He turned his head to the noise, his mouth wide. A group of men stood there, all wearing workman’s clothing, a red burette placed atop each of their heads. These details meant little, however, to Jack, the presence of their automatic weapons, each pointing directly at him, blackening his view of each of them.

The man in front, his shoulders cuffed with two red plates, lifted his hand. In unison, they nodded, parting to make a path for Jack to go through, saluting him.

“Escape this oppression, fellow worker. The day has come for us to throw off the shackles of Capitalism,” the leader said. “The Red Army has come to wreak vengeance on your former masters.”

Awestruck, Jack moved slowly down the open shaft between the ranks of the Red soldiers. A door stood at the far end of the hallway, a small image of a staircase sitting atop it, glowing slightly green. A route to freedom!
One of the Soldiers looked up, tapping the wall. At this signal, the soldiers of the Red Army formed up again, rifles bared, ready to attack. The sound of light footsteps emerged from the hall to their right. Jack glanced over his shoulder, slowing himself.

One of the soldiers looked to his feet as if he had felt something.
“Grenade!” he roared, picking the cursed object up from the ground and hurling it through the air.

The entire group held its breath, watching as the small, silvery object soared through the calm air. There was a single beep. Then, Hell. Jack leapt away, the hallway exploding with light a flame. Dozens of figures emerged from the hallway opposite, the guns in their hands blaring with life, though their delivery was death.

A bullet soared by Jack’s shoulder. There was no hesitation, his body choosing quickly between fight and flight. The door approached, though it seemed that each step took it further away. The spitting of bullets seemed incessant, neither side giving ground. Finally, after one last stride, the door was within reach. Jack threw himself onto it, falling out onto the hard, stone floor of the stairwell.

The door shut with a light bang. Several more shots rang out from beyond it, and then there was silence. Jack stood, waiting, listening. There was a small ruckus and several murmurs.

“All dead, sir. Area clear. Moving on to stairwell A,” a cool voice said after a moment.
They were coming. Leaping down three steps at a time, Jack blasted down the stairs. Adrenaline took over, his body seemingly tireless. The door opened quietly several flights above. There was a succession of footsteps as the group descended after him. He increased his speed, watching as the numbers on the walls steadily decreased.

Five, four, three.

“Someone’s down there!” a voice cried.

“Give yourself up and you won’t be hurt!” said another.

Two, one, ground.

Taking a final leap, Jack’s feet met solid ground. He looked around. To his back were the stairs. Ahead of him was a door. There was nothing else. There was only one path out. Sighing, he turned the knob on the door, slipping into the room beyond.

He had entered the inferno. Barely recognizable as the machine room, each massive tool that he had ever used now burned, fuel doused over top of them. The sounds of repetitive gunfire came from across the room, along with the screams and cries of pain from both sides. He glanced up at the wall. He was in the Capsule section. Taking a left, he charged down the small divide between two machines.

The door opened behind him, his pursuers flooding out. They looked around, confused.

“Which way, sir?” one asked.

“It doesn’t matter. He’s gone,” said the head of the unit.

Jack said a silent prayer; to who, he did not know, but to someone. Taking hold of a structural column, he swung around the corner. Before him he saw the entry area, dozens of trucks parked in front of enormous gateways. He remembered it then. His eyes shooting to the far end of the area, he spotted the small fire exit door. This was his chance.

He made for it, leaping over a small line of flames and sliding across the ground, stumbling and tripping. Somehow, he managed to keep his balance, sprinting across the open ground of the entry area. Bullets ricocheted from the floor around him as a few of the factory guards noticed him. They had enough on their hands, soon returning to the battle at hand.

The door slid open with a light touch. All at once, dozens of klaxons exploded to light, sending a pinkish red light across the machine room, still engulfed in flames.

Jack didn’t look back, still running. He passed a few stock houses, watching as smoke emerged from their roofs and windows. A fence lined the entire area around the factory. The gate stood just ahead of him, already ajar, swaying slightly in the wind. As he ran on, the air thickened, building up into a sick yellow. He rubbed his mask gratefully.

Taking that final step, he emerged on the other side of the fence. He was free.
pabs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2008, 11:14 AM   #8
Member
 
AlienatedAlien's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Sydney
Gender: Male
Posts: 20
AlienatedAlien is on a distinguished road
Still nice work man. I like your writing style. You have definately kept both your standard of work and my interest in this story. I am interested and involved in the story already... I'm curious to find out where the story is going.

I dont really have any crit to give you...mabye there are a few lines where you could be a bit more descriptive? throw in a few adjectives? But that might just slow the story down, and the pace is great as it is...

Keep it up.
AlienatedAlien is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2008, 11:26 AM   #9
Addict
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
pabs is on a distinguished road
Thanks alien! Glad you still like it.
pabs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2008, 12:36 PM   #10
Prolific Writer
 
Candrah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 221
Candrah is on a distinguished road
This is good. I like the pacing in the second part and your style of writing is strong. You kept my interest throughout - I'll definitely read more if you post it. I'm curious to see what happens next.

One or two grammar issues that will show up during editing so I wont go into it here. And I'm not much of an expert anyway so wouldnt presume to offer advice.

Good story
__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.
Candrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2008, 02:22 PM   #11
Addict
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
pabs is on a distinguished road
Thanks Candrah! Glad you're enjoying it. More is on the way.
pabs is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:21 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers