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Old 06-02-2008, 01:16 AM   #1
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Beginning of new story - Untitled so far

Prologue

The first thing she felt when she woke up was fear. Fear that she had forgotten something. Fear that she had lost something. Worried she got out of bed and put on a pair of slippers. As she walked out the door into the dark hallway she looked at her husband, sleeping, so peacefully.

Walking out of the room she closed the door carefully. She wanted to avoid waking up her husband; he would just worry too much about her. It was just a hunch, she thought as she walked gently toward their daughter’s bedroom. She carefully opened the door. She’s sleeping. She was now smiling. There was nothing to worry about, she was safe, her husband was safe and her daughter was safe. She walked into to the room and gave her a kiss on the cheek, and then she carefully sneaked out of the room again. As she closed the door behind her she suddenly felt a hand on her back. The horror she had felt vanished immediately as she turned around.

‘You scared me,’ she whispered to her husband.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, smiling. That smile could make a thousand women fall down on their knees in an instant, she had always thought, but the only knees that he would ever care about were hers. ‘What are you doing up?’

‘Just a hunch,’ she said as her eyes drifted toward their daughter’s room.

He smiled at her. ‘There is nothing to worry about, Susan. She’s fine.’

She knew he was right, but she couldn’t help herself. Ever since the day they lost their son at birth she had been overprotective. Even though she fround upon the word she knew it fit her perfectly. ‘I know, I just had to check up on her. Go back to bed, I’ll be right back. I just need to get a glass of water.’

He leaned over and kissed her. ‘Okay, honey. Goodnight.’

‘Goodnight,’ she said as she started walking downstairs.

Once downstairs she walked into the kitchen and open one of the doors above the sink pulling out a glass. She turned on the water and let it pour for a moment, relieved that their little baby was safe. She took a sip out of the glass and let out a sigh. Suddenly she felt a hand on her back. Again she turned around expecting to see Bob’s face.

‘Bob, I said I’d be—’ she stopped mid sentence. The face before her was not that of her husband. Before she could scream his hand was now over her mouth. She dropped the glass of water, and everything else went black. The last thing she saw was the face of her attacker, looking down at her. Bob, she thought as she drifted away.
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Last edited by Ceresz : 06-02-2008 at 02:53 AM.
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Old 06-02-2008, 01:21 AM   #2
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One

Winter came early that year, and with it the darkness. All over the country all the news talked about was how the crime rate had increased as the nights grew longer. They are hiding in the cover of darkness, they had said. Some even went as far as calling this the winter of death for the small village of Trentberg, just south of Cambridge. The village did not have many residences, yet suddenly, out of nowhere, the killings had begun. The police were doing as much as they could but they just couldn’t keep up. The march of the devil, the villagers called it, trying to hide the fear that they might be next.

It had all begun with the murder of home-wife Susan Staley who was up ducted from her home in the middle of the night with her husband and daughter sleeping upstairs. She was found at 5: PM the next day at the old lake not far from the old Millers’ farm. She was discovered by old Miller himself. He was on his weekly fishing trip with his two boys Jack and John when he saw her floating in the water. She had been stripped naked, her body was obviously abused, but there were no signs of rape. The most gruesome part was, however, the fact that her head had been turned 180 degrees. Even though her body was facing down, her head had been facing up. What was even more disturbing was that her eyeballs had been carved out. They were never found.

From there it just grew. Every week a new person had fallen victim to evil. The strange thing was, however, not the fact that the killings were regular, nor the fact that they seemed to have been done in a ritualistic manner, but the fact that the villagers still didn’t want to leave.

When Detective Sarah Falcón – the detective assigned to lead the case – had asked the villagers why they simply shook their head and said:

‘Trentburg is our home. We can’t abandon it.’ Shocked by the answer, and the lack of evidence, Sarah decided the case wasn’t going anywhere and asked to be reassigned. To fill her place they brought in a younger detective. They thought that his fresh thinking might be helpful in this case. Even though he was young he was respected. He had solved numerous of tough cases before being assigned the Trentberg case, and he wasn’t going to let himself fail this one.

At the age of 28, Jack Harper was a tall man with great ambitions. His classical features were legendary amongst his female colleagues. As he stepped out of his black Nissan 350Z he put his fingers through his thick, brown hair. He reached for his cell phone in his jacket pocket. 10: PM, he thought. Better get some rest. Walking toward the local hostel he thought about the big day to come. Rumour had it that the Detective preceding him had gone mental with this case, claiming that it was unsolvable. Nothing was unsolvable. Harper knew that from experience. You just need to know where to look.

The atmosphere within the hostel was that of warmth. It reminded him of his childhood home in the country. It was there his interest for law-enforcement, or rather crime-solving, had grown. It was all thanks to his father, Clyde Harper, who had sparked his interest by giving him a description of a crime scene – of course leaving out the gruesome details – and letting young Harper ask him questions to solve the mystery.

Shaking of the memories he started walking toward the front desk. The elderly woman sitting behind it was reading a book. Harper couldn’t help grabbing a glimpse of the author as it was his favourite. He found it quite ironic that she was reading an Agatha Christi novel when murder haunted the village.

As Harper approached she put the book down and looked up at him.

‘Yes?’ she asked. ‘How can I help you?’

‘I would like a room, please,’ he answered her.

--

More to come soon!
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Last edited by Ceresz : 06-02-2008 at 07:45 AM.
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Old 06-15-2008, 04:34 PM   #3
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I didn't like it. It's too generic and cliche. You really need something original--a striking character, an original mystery--to make it good. This bland, pure vanilla.
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Old 06-23-2008, 11:34 AM   #4
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I wouldn't go as far as not likin it, but I agree with write stuff. Its seems too generic. You need to come up with something more original. Give the generic story a twist.

People love reading something different, and this story is just a bad version of something they've already read.
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Old 06-23-2008, 01:33 PM   #5
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Yeah, I realised that pretty quickly so I abandoned it. I have already started plotting out a new story but I won't post it until I'm pleased with it.
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