Sporkling

Hello everyone, I’m Draky.I am a vampire. My kind has transformed a lot since those times. My family, for example, are vegetarian. We no longer need blood to survive, and so, can live an exsistance almost similar to all the normal humans. In fact, some normal humans are my friends. But I never reveal my identity for obvious reasons.
There is only one difference between our lifestyle though. I have to go to a vampire school on Saturdays(I go to a normal school as well). And I do not like it much. Therefore, i’ll be telling you about it. So you know about the secret life of the vampire.
Well it was a normal Saturday afternoon and I went to the school. I had to wear the traditional vampire costume(I assume you know how it looks like) It has a lot of layers and very uncomfortable. And people looked at me like the crazy kid who loved halloween too much. I was used to it. I have been doing this for a few months already.
When I reached the school gates, I gave a sigh of relief. Finally, I could go and feel the air conditioning instead of the hot sun(yes we can live in sunshine now but I do prefer the darkness). I spotted my group members and went over to them. A boy vampire and two other girl members is not the best group. ( we need groups to practise spells and our other skillls on. )Being the only boy in a group of three, you get teamed up against. I did not enjoy that. Its just no fun.
As soon as the bell rang, everyone rushed up to class. It was my favourite class. Transformation. I could change into many types of animals. And the teacher was very kind. She gave me lots of sweets for every new animal I changed into. Today, I changed into a white tiger. And the others were still doing cats. I felt so happy. I suppose I have to thank my parents for both were the best at shape shifting in the neighbourhood. They won many prizes too. I did not do too badly either I thought as I peered at the chocolates the teacher gave me at the end of the lesson.
The next class was spell casting. We had to test our skills against other members of the group (mine was the two girls mentioned earlier) We were supposed to be practising the darkness spell. Most of them succeeded in darkening the area. But I created a bright light as I performed the spell. “I just can’t create darkness” I thought as I focused harder. But the light this time had a form. I was surprised. But the next moment, my focus disappeared along with the teacher’s words. “those who do not perform the darkness spell by the end of thelesson will be punished”. It is a know fact that this teacher’s punishments were harsh. (This is not a nice teacher).
For the next hour, I kept practising. My results just yielded a shaped bright light. And I felt very afraid. But my fear was edged by curiousity as I successfully changed the form by force of mind. When the lesson ended, with me being the only one not able to create even a bit of darkness, the teacher’s voice boomed over me. Screaming at me for not darkening the room. Then it was time for the practise. My two group members had already learnt the fire spell. (probably they learnt it for this fight) it was so powerful that none of my spells could rival it.
After a while, I remembered the light spell. I formed a few tigers to rush them down. They screamed and yelled at me to stop. And then, for the first time, I won. But the teacher was not happy. She yelled at me about cheating.(And I knew I did not) then she blasted me backwards the wound hurt me until the light spell touched it. The spell she used, the spell of darkness inflicts pain for a long time. But then, this spell only works if the vampire has been drinking blood, which was outlawed by vampire law.
I must find out the truth. But first, I will go home and think/gloat about my defeat over two opponents. A very rare occurance.

Mike

Very rarely does the first paragraph keep me from continuing to read. I'm afraid that this story's first paragraph stopped me cold. Here's why:

It's an info dump. It's as if I'm reading a name tag. It's also redundant and has so many grammar errors that I'd have to go word by word to reveal them all. The only good quality that I'm able to pick up from the debris is that there's some semblance of narrative voice in there somewhere.

Ok, so I went on to read the rest of the story to keep from being too negative and not constructive in my criticism.

This story has potential. I haven't read many stories of a young vampire in school. I feel that you can approach it from a different angle. Think about the following advice:

Some writers do talk to the reader, but with the child-like way the story is written (for the benefit of child-like readers, i'm imagining), you're assumming that the reader is savvy with vampirism and vampire stereotypes. Never assume that. Instead of saying "I assume you know how it looks," describe it for us. If the descriptions match some of our notions on what a vampire outfit typically looks like, your stereotype has been achieved.

Immerse us in the story. Don't just list off: I did this, I did that, I think this, I went there,... let us experience it. This is the classic show vs. tell argument. You're telling us everything.

I think you should start the story in the day 'Draky' created a light spell instead of a dark one. Describe the scene. Who are Draky's classmates? Who is his teacher? What does the inside of the classroom look like? Get into more detail and more dialogue. Narrative voice is good for some of the telling, but for a story like this, you shouldn't just tell us everything right away because we want to discover it bit by bit. Otherwise it's a killjoy: you've told us what we needed to know without much explorative effort on our part, so why should we keep reading? This is why the first sentence stopped me. Don't be in a hurry to tell a story.

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- Mike

Jade M

Second sentence threw me off.

Quote:

My kind has transformed a lot since those times.

Since what times? Vampire times?

The narrator sounds childlike to me.

Quote:

I felt so happy

.
Would this be intended for a younger audience? If it is, then like Mike said, you need to describe the stereotypes. Even for an older reader, you need to give a brief outline. If it is for an older reader (early teens onwards) you need to try to alter the narrative to suit this audience more. Try to convey his feelings through actions. 'I felt so happy' is basically spoon feeding your reader which can be patronizing.

Have you got a program like MS Word? Because if you have, I suggest you copy and paste this into Word. It will help you to iron out the simple spelling and grammar errors.

Go into more detail about characters and location. We want to feel part of the story, not like we're reading the synopsis.

The story idea is a good one. It deserves to be told properly.

HippoHead

I find the teacher strange.
she gives out chocolates, yet vows to punish people if they're not perfect at a spell by the end of the lesson.

and i don't know what anything looks like.

Sporkling

Oh ok. If I write another story, should it be this story rewritten or another one?

Ungood

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Ungood

Replace Vampire with "Mutant" just to make it work a bit better, you can make a mutant to be anything you want, it does not have to be X-men mutants.



You get the idea.

Ungood.

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Jtjp

Just repeating the above:
I can't see anything. What does the main character look like? What do his duo female group member's look like? How about the teacher?
I would also reccomend changing the word vampire to something else. Warlocks, witches, aliens.
You take the vampire powers to a whole new level...the ability to shapeshift in to more than just a bat, wolf, etc...which is cool...along with the spells (controlling more than just vampire related things) which is awsome...vamps being kids is a unique twist...but I still reccomend using a different word.
The way you show how the main character excels in shapeshifting yet fails in spellcraft...along with the negativity the teacher shows in regard to him stepping outside of the norm and using his light spell against the duo-fire spells...helps to make the reader open up and begin to bond with the main character.
Maybe you should start with the main character focusing on his light spell...I mean get in to character and let us feel all of his senses, his emotion, his thoughts and from there expand out to the two girls who are his group members...bring them in to view by making him hear their snickering...his ball of light dims as his attention turns to the peers from hell...blah blah blah...to his teacher who constantly makes him feel pathetic.

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