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Old 05-31-2008, 09:08 PM   #1
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The Intergalactic Misadventures of Boyo and Bucko - (VII)

The Great Jump Tower of Nodnol is a difficult thing to get a handle on, in many ways. From afar it seems a simple inverted conical spire ascending far beyond the bounds of the controlled atmosphere. From its base it appears a massive, smooth-surfaced, almost needle-like structure rising up, up past the station lights and into the blackness of space. Amid the glittering stars, with the aid of a telescopic instrument, one can discern a huge gyroscope style piece of machinery in constant motion near what appears to be the top.

The enigmatic Tower has, over the centuries, spawned quite a little subculture in the single-story buildings that ring its three mile circumference at street level. Countless taverns, social clubs, fraternities, sororities, orders, and even a church. The Church of the Holy Jumpers, who, wearing their special jumpers, endeavour to literally jump in the streets at every scheduled Jump, feeling a touch of the divine to jump with a Jump. It is, in fact, the question of divinity that is the ¨line in the sand¨. Those who agree that its function can be explained purely scientifically rarely agree on the explanation itself, but they are always ready to belittle or beat down the divinists in their Holy Jumper jumpers, or whatever form they come in.

Felix, in a very adventurous overcoat, explained all of this to Boyo and Bucko in his best storyteller fashion on the trans ride to the Tower. Bucko was hardly listening, his hangover assaulting him from within his skull; Boyo was chipper and attentive.

¨It was actually built by Humans, Scalers, Kwah, and Rodii,¨ Felix continued, ¨That´s what the history logs say, anyway.¨

Boyo looked over the crowd in the trans, a mix the like he´d never seen before. Even some races he didn´t recognise, like the wormy-looking pair at the front. The trans-car was such a jumble of tentacles, wings, tails, and antennae, to say nothing of the outfits. Strangely, in the unfamiliar surroundings, Boyo felt very much at home.

Lyla tugged at Bucko´s shoulder, ¨Hey, what´s wrong?¨

Bucko looked up at her perky young face withing a bright pink feathery hood. His instinct was to scowl, but she blinked at him so cutely that he forced a weak smile, ¨It´s nothing, really. Just need a drink and I´ll be fine.¨

¨A drink?¨ Lyla laughed airily, ¨You are something else, Mr. Bucko.¨

The trans slowed to a stop and emptied with some confusion. Bucko politely motioned for what he thought was a female to exit ahead of him before realizing he was standing on its tail. Eventually, though, they were all out into ¨The Ring¨.

Felix´ friends were very much like him, young and adventurous-looking. There was Lyla, Hector, a short fellow born on an asteroid of all places, Shana, a stunning blonde who refused to reveal her origin, Orin, a very skinny kid originally from Earth´s Moon, and Brith, a soft-spoken, mousey, yet somewhat pretty petite girl.

Bucko´s eyes fell on a welcome sight nearby: The Last Chance Saloon. He asked aloud with a jerk of his thumb toward the sign, ¨Anyone else thirsty?¨

¨Not a bad idea,¨ Boyo chimed, looking brightly at the others.

Felix put his hands in his pockets as a furry fellow in a business suit brushed past him. He turned to Hector and asked, ¨How long till the Jump?¨

Hector´s head was craned back, staring up at the Tower, and he picked his teeth, ¨Couple hours.¨

The streets were beginning to crowd with obvious tourists. Bucko chuckled noticing a chubby young man with a t-shirt that read: JUMP HIGH.

¨Allright, then,¨ Felix grinned, ¨Let´s go for a drink, ay?¨

¨Uh,¨ Brith made a face, ¨I don´t know about that place. Last Chance Saloon? Sounds a little...I don´t know, sad.¨

¨At least it doesn´t look like a tourist trap,¨ Orin made for the door.

Within the small, dark tavern, Brith was proven correct. The only interior lighting came from four enormous screens in the corners playing images of Jump disasters in slow-motion. The place was nearly empty, save for two elderly men in heated discussion at the bar. They took a large table and were immediately and silently waited upon by a bright red insectoid with dozens of arms.

¨I think you´ll be impressed,¨ Felix began, ¨A Jump is...well, it´s quite a sight.¨

¨We should go over to that Church!¨ Shana said excitedly, removing her form-fitting silver jacket, ¨I wanna see them jumping. It sounds so funny!¨

Boyo marvelled at Shana, wished he hadn´t been so drunk the night before. He brushed her leg beneath the table.

¨Might be fun,¨ Felix agreed.

¨Hey,¨ Orin put his hands on the table, ¨You guys said you´d tell us about Rekkah Reyne.¨

¨Yeah,¨ Hector agreed, ¨What´s she really like?¨

Bucko and Boyo exchanged quick glances and exhaled simultaneously. The insectoid brought their drinks with a clicking of limbs, and a ray of light sliced through the room as two men in long black overcoats opened the door and crossed over to the bar.

Bucko took several large gulps of an amber rieb, looked at the expectant faces surrounding him, and said, ¨Oh, Rekkah, Rekkah...where to begin?¨

¨Mmm,¨ Boyo hummed, swallowing, ¨Where to begin?¨

¨Well,¨ Hector´s bearded face bobbed over his glass, ¨Is she still hot?¨

Bucko chugged a bit more, wiped his lips, ¨Oh, she´s hot allright.¨

¨Uggh,¨ Shana sighed and rolled her eyes, ¨I´m so sick of her. It´s not fair how gorgeous and...perfect she is. I wish she´d just die already.¨

From outside came the sound of a siren loudly wailing, the two men in discussion at the bar cheered and toasted, and Felix raised his glass, saying, ¨That´s us back in Free Space! Cheers!¨

They all toasted heartily, and Lyla winked at Bucko, ¨Now you´ll see what it really means to party on Nodnol.¨

One of the trenchcoated men kicked over a barstool, apparently agitated, and the insectoid was instantly beside him, guiding him to the door with ten pincer-topped arms. With their gazes pointedly fixed on the table of adventurers, the two men were ushered out.

¨Were they looking at us?¨ Brith asked, fingering her glass.

¨I believe they were,¨ Orin replied.

¨They were just staring at Shana,¨ Boyo said confidently, ¨The only woman in the Universe sexier than Rekkah Reyne.¨

Shana smiled, eyebrows aflutter, and Lyla moaned, ¨Oh, please.¨

¨So,¨ Felix smirked, ¨Did she tell you about the whole King Ecnud thing?¨

¨And Sirap!¨ Hector leaned forward, ¨How did they get away on Sirap?¨

Boyo blinked, motioning for more drinks, ¨You know...I hate to ruin all this...but she didn´t mention any of that. We actually weren´t onboard very long, a few hours. It was an accident.¨

¨An accident?¨ Brith raised her eyebrows.

¨Yeah,¨ Boyo looked apologetic, ¨We were unloading the ship on Rednilyc, and...well, they had to leave in a hurry and we were caught in the cargo bay.¨

Felix grinned, ¨Helluva story, mates.¨

¨Hold on,¨ Orin nodded to the insectoid placing fresh drinks on the table, ¨You made it here from Rednilyc in a few hours?¨

Boyo nodded, Bucko drank.

¨That´s impossible,¨ Hector frowned, ¨It´s too far. He´d have to have a--¨

¨--A Mind-Drive,¨ Orin finished his sentence for him.

Felix whistled and leaned back in his seat, ¨Well,¨ he said, ¨That explains the Sirap escape, ay?¨

¨Stars,¨ Orin took a big drink, ¨That Bordeaux doesn´t do anything legal, does he?¨

¨Why should he?¨ Shana held her slender hands up, ¨He´s got Rekkah Reyne to protect him.¨

Boyo laughed lightly, ¨You really don´t like her, do you?¨

¨What´s to like?¨ Shana asked quickly, ¨She kills people. She won´t bloody die. She´s every bleeding sod´s sex fantasy.¨ she lit a smoke, ¨I wish she´d die already.¨

Bucko drained his second glass, coughed, and slammed it loudly onto the table. Colour was returning to his face. He said, ¨So what´s the story with this here Tower? Howzit work?¨

Orin shrugged, ¨That´s the big mystery. I know what it does, but nobody knows exactly how. Or they aren´t saying,¨ he lit a smoke of his own, took a swig and continued, ¨You know how electrons ´skip´? They disappear and re-appear in their orbits?¨
Bucko shook his head, the rest of them shrugged. Orin said, ¨Well, they do. Anyhow the Tower here--working with the two others, Oir and Okyot--makes ships ´skip´ across the Galaxy. Special ships.¨

He paused for effect, took his glass in his hand, and concluded, ¨No one´s sure how it actually works. It´s...¨ he lowered his voice to a whisper, ¨...secret.¨

Brith giggled, ¨Unless you´re a Holy Jumper. They reckon God makes it work.¨

¨Let´s go over to their Church,¨ Shana reached for her shiny jacket, ¨I wanna see the whole ceremony. And this place is bumming me out. I´ve got that screen right in front of my face and it´s showing a ship Jumping into a meteor over and over. Why would they show that?¨

¨Hey,¨ Brith stood up, ¨Let´s try and get some clusters, too. I want to see a Jump on clusters!¨

Hector smiled broadly and ran his hand down Brith´s hair, ¨That´s our girl. That´s the best idea you´ve had in ages!¨

¨I like clusters,¨ Bucko offered, finishing Brith´s drink for her.

¨I´d take it easy, mate,¨ Felix said easily to Bucko, ¨You don´t want to be too...well, if you party too much you might get sick when you feel the Jump.¨

Bucko looked up, the remnants of Lyla´s beverage halfway to his lips. He sputtered, ¨Feel it?¨

¨Oh, yeah,¨ Lyla flipped her hood up, ¨You feel it.¨
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Old 06-01-2008, 12:55 AM   #2
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All in all, your story is not bad, but starts very rough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OzzyShiraz View Post
The Great Jump Tower of Nodnol is a difficult thing to get a handle on, in many ways. From afar it seems a simple inverted conical spire ascending far beyond the bounds of the controlled atmosphere. From its base it appears a massive, smooth-surfaced, almost needle-like structure rising up, up past the station lights and into the blackness of space. Amid the glittering stars, with the aid of a telescopic instrument, one can discern a huge gyroscope style piece of machinery in constant motion near what appears to be the top.

The enigmatic Tower has, over the centuries, spawned quite a little subculture in the single-story buildings that ring its three mile circumference at street level. Countless taverns, social clubs, fraternities, sororities, orders, and even a church. The Church of the Holy Jumpers, who, wearing their special jumpers, endeavour to literally jump in the streets at every scheduled Jump, feeling a touch of the divine to jump with a Jump. It is, in fact, the question of divinity that is the ¨line in the sand¨. Those who agree that its function can be explained purely scientifically rarely agree on the explanation itself, but they are always ready to belittle or beat down the divinists in their Holy Jumper jumpers, or whatever form they come in.


Way to much Info Dump and feels rather flat.

Quote:
Felix, in a very adventurous overcoat, explained all of this to Boyo and Bucko in his best storyteller fashion on the trans ride to the Tower. Bucko was hardly listening, his hangover assaulting him from within his skull; Boyo was chipper and attentive.
I could not tell if I was supposed to laugh or cry at this...

I think you need to fix your opening a bit to give it a bit more life.

Ungood.
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Old 06-01-2008, 08:06 AM   #3
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I didnt get past the first paragraph. Sorry.

Got confused by "inverted". Doesnt that mean its bigger at the top than the bottom? If its three miles across at the base - how big is the top!!!?
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Old 06-01-2008, 08:57 AM   #4
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I got a bit bored with the first couple of paragraphs too. Descriptions of buildings are a bit bleh. Pehaps talk about them later?
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Old 06-01-2008, 09:13 AM   #5
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Definitely. You probably don't need as much description, and shoiuld break up what you keep.

Try starting with the quote in the third paragraph, then run the stuff from the third.

Get in the building stuff when they hit vantage points.

Or start with the third paragraph, but the boyos first and "Felix was explaining all about the building, not that they really cared." or something afterward.

So often the cure for blah openings is just switching chapters.

You want to cop some licks from a genius of this sort of thing, read William Gibson's "Count Zero" and the way he describes the arcologies.
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