Here is a chapter on talking animals =D - Writers Forum

HippoHead · 05-30-2008, 08:22 PM

I've gone a bit 'posting this and that' over the past couple of days. It's down to boredom, I swear!
So, here's the first 6 pages from a chapter about talking animals (takes a break fom the main novel thing)

Leave me comments! Cats are fun!

15

Bruno’s Mystical Adventure

“Yo, this here’s our turf. Sorry, pal, but you look a little too… how can I say this in your language… interior-relishing for us. You don’t belong here, buddy. Just sayin’. Ain’t got nothin’ against ya. Just think it’d be best if you were to… uhh… skedaddle.”

“Sorry, but I’ve just escaped a madman. I need to just hide for a while. Only a little while. I daren’t move from here. I don’t want to be caught again, you see. I’ll just sit here for a minute or so. No trouble, no fuss. Just for a few minutes.”

The smoky cat jumped lightly off the alley dustbin and padded towards Bruno. “I don’t think you quite understood me there, pal. Dis here is my alley. Now, you wouldn’t go invadin’ someone else’s home, now would ya? It’s terribly impolite, wouldn’t ya say? Same goes for marked territory. I’m a creature of respect, see, so you can understand why I’m a little upset here.” His life-bled eyes darkened.

Bruno surveyed the dingy surroundings. This was a terrible place to mark as territory. There was only an open drain that blew putrid-smelling smoke up into the air, a series of deep puddles and two metallic trashcans, which smelt just as rank. And judging by this inhospitable cat‘s odour, it was painfully aware that he slept, ate and rummaged through the garbage all day without bathing. The soulless cat was still staring at him, his ancient, jealous eyes revealing his detest for those who had easier lives than him.

“But, if I leave,” said Bruno carefully, “that disgusting human is gonna get me again and put me inside that repulsive coat of his.” Though he knew that it was foolish to keep arguing with this cat, he would much rather be ripped to shreds than go back into the realm of revulsion.

The smoky cat breathed slowly and deliberately before answering, “I find it somewhat peculiar that you choose to stay when I have specifically asked you to leave.” He moved back into shadow until his body disappeared and his glistening eyes shone out like beacons. “Usually when I ask people to do something, they do it… right boys?”

There was a shift in the garbage can before a vicious voice replied, “they do, yesss.”

“You got it, Sage! You got it!” agreed a more thuggish voice, came the other bin. The can rumbled as the cat delved further down into it.

Sage nodded slowly and leered at Bruno. “I’m old. And cranky.” He gave a croaky laugh. “Seventeen years old. You know what it’s like at that age? Seventeen years is a long, long time, and I have no patience left.

“So please - don’t ever enter my domain again. You look young, inexperienced and a little arrogant, so I allow you to leave with what small dignity you have. Whatever problem you have out there, you deal with on your own, and don’t preach to me about it. Do we have an understanding?”

Bruno turned round and looked at the trio of humans. They were standing only feet away, so if he left now, that creature Faux Pas would catch him. Faux Pas may be an idiot, but Bruno knew that the smelly thing was thunder-fast when desperate, and judging by his wailing, he was desperate to find his cat. He needed to stay in the alley, but this bitter, old cat was too stubborn and proud to reason with.

He exhaled and trotted pompously towards the exit, wondering how he had gotten to this point, when only yesterday he had been sleeping under a squeaky-mouse mobile that chimed whenever it was dinnertime…

“Get a move on, would ya?” Sage urged.

It was then that in an irritated and instantly regrettable move, Bruno flicked his feather-duster tail across Sage’s thin-furred face; an extremely rude gesture among cats everywhere. Horrified by what he had done, he sped out the alley, evading the grubby hands of Faux Pas (‘MY BABY!’) who had gone into an inelegant dive in a tactless attempt to seize him.

Sage was stunned for only a moment. “Claw him,” he said very quietly.

The bins toppled over, and the two rummaging felines within propelled themselves past Sage like tiny cannonballs.

The first cat was a snide-looking Siamese cat with crazy eyes and extensive claws. It hissed and rasped as it ran, its thin legs bounding together in an almost machine-like way. Its tail and flea-bitten ears flickered like dying light bulbs.

The other cat was fat and ginger. This one wheezed as it ran and the exercise caused its bloated face to turn disgruntled. His nose twitched and his belly sagged down so low that it became grazed as he dashed. He cursed his heart condition.

After almost a minute of running, Bruno dived into a cardboard box. The tabby and the Siamese had lost him, and so began sniffing the area.

“Hey, Sugar,” came an alluring, female voice.

Bruno yelped.

“Shh, shh, shh, hun. It’s okay, babe. Just wanted to say hi is all.”

The slender, midnight-black cat winked with one of its sapphire eyes. She was sitting atop the box he was hiding in, craning her neck downwards and looking in.

“How ‘bout you scooch over and let Li’l ol’ me take a seat next to you?”

Bruno gulped and tilted his head.

“How gentlemanly.”

She hopped off the box and padded inside. He rolled over to make room like a clumsy, emotionally-disturbed hippopotamus.

The new cat purred. “Mmhm. Think I’ll call you Lush, Sugar.”

“My-my name’s Bruno,” he said thickly.

“Ah. Sexy, though that is, I’m still gonna call you Lush. I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve been called it.” She gave a playful wink. “Just kidding, babe.” She spied through a small hole in the box and saw the two cats still sniffing around. “Sage’s thugs,” she told him needlessly. “They do his dirty work. He doesn‘t like to get his paws tarnished. He says the level of fear, mystery and respect maintains a higher level if he never shows his face. I say it‘s cowardice… don’t say much, do ya Lush?”

“Just trying to keep a low profile,” replied Bruno quietly. “I don’t want them to know where I am.”

She giggled. “Those fools couldn’t find their own tails. They’ll just make out like they scratched you up. Get themselves credit for doing nothing. Sage needs better bodyguards. They used to be good, but they got lazy. Now they don’t work for him out of loyalty and respect - they work for him so that they can get the best bins.”

“Best bins?!”

“Wow. Could tell you were a house cat a mile off. Welcome to the real world, hun. The outside world. Howd’yalike it?”

“Meh.”

“Sage’s territory is in between a chicken takeaway shop and a butchers. That means that they get whatever gets thrown out. And believe me, there is some nice food in those bins, and plenty of it. It should be shared out among all of us, but nobody stands up to him. Cats like us are lucky to get fish bones in our bins.

“His last owner was barbaric, see. That’s why most cats fear him. They say his owner taught him terrible, torturous things. It twisted and traumatised him, nobody’s sure what’s going on in his head. One thing’s for sure - all the mercy’s been sapped out of him. Now he’s obsessed with respect. Psh. What I wanna know is why he values our oh-so insignificant opinions so much.”

“Whoa,” said Bruno. “You’ve got a lot to say.”

“I get lonleh, hun,” se said, moving closer to him. “A gal’s gotta say what’s on her mind.”

Bruno patted her paw.

“Ever had some of this?” she asked, holding out a mound of mashed-up catnip.

“Uhh, no.”

“Good, Lush. Don’t ever have some, either. I envy you. You can get hooked on this stuff pretty easily. Don’t ever accept any offers.” She giggled again. “Or mebbe I just don’t want to share any… ooh, I’m so terrible!”

Bruno flashed a grim smile.

“You know, I’m surprised you ain’t asked me yet.”

“Asked you what?”

“That. Tee-hee, but seriously, Lush, you ain’t even asked me name yet.”

“Oh, err - sorry. What‘s-”

“Saint. Both by name and nature.” She winked. “I’ll be back, Lush,” she continued, getting up. “Just got a bit o’ business to attend to. I’ll be back, though. So don’t you go nowhere, babe.”

“Uhh, okay.” He gazed through the peephole - the scavenging cats were no longer in sight. His heartbeat descended in speed. When he turned back round, Saint was gone, and so he curled up into a fuzzy, white ball and fell into dreams.

”Quite a cat, ain’t she?”

Bruno shot his eyes open, but as soon as he did, they were scratched shut again. Three thin, red lines materialised on both his eyelids.

“Ow! Hey! Why?!”

“Next time, it’s your eyes, champ… you enter my turf - I politely ask you to leave, and you disrespect me. Instead of facing up to me and accepting the consequences of your actions, you run away. This inconveniences me and others. It was very selfish of you.”

“I’m sorry!” Bruno shouted, now pawing at his blood-trickling eyelids.

“’Sorry’… its an improvement. But of course yeh sorry. Because you want mercy. You say it so that I might be merciful. Selfish and cowardly, really. I don’t believe your apology is genuine. Which means that you apologising solves nothing for you or me, as I don’t get any respect from ya, and you therefore don’t get any mercy.”

“I’m really sorry, then!”

Sage smirked. “I liked yeh style, Wobbles, but a simple apology won’t cut it. It just convinces me to be merciful - which I’m not, meaning your apology is a waste. And my boys would like their effort in looking for yeh not to go to waste. You’ve only got a couple scratches - that ain’t punishment enough. I’ma give the command that my boys should follow through in their primal urges. They live to fight. Know what I’m sayin’?”

“What? No!”

“Hey, let’s not get snippy, uh? Temper don’t suit ya, pal.”

“Can’t you just let me go? Having a bit of a bad day here!”

“We all got problems, guy. You were twice given an opportunity to leave without trouble. First in the alley when I asked you to leave - and then in this quaint, little box. My boys had abandoned the search and you were free.
“But you had to stay, right? ’Cause the delish cat told ya to stay. Wanted her, didn’t ya? Tried to steal mah gal, right?”

“I - what?!”

“Sorry, hun,” came the soothing, angelic voice that belonged to Saint, the midnight cat. “Kind’ve thought the name gave away my loyalty. Not got much goin’ on up there, huh? Aww, but yeh a sweetie fer stayin’. Thanks, Lush.” She blew him a kiss.

“So, what - you just kept me here until he came along?!”

“Course I did, babe. Oh, wait - you thought I was interested in you?! Oh, God no!” She licked Sage’s cheek. “Sage and Saint make more sense than a chicken and lamb cat food combo!”

“You got it, babe.” He tugged on her tail.

“Ooh, my…”

Candrah · 05-31-2008, 12:43 PM

Alleycats?

You must be pretty bored HippoHead

What can I say? Its a story about talking cats... Readable though.

OzzyShiraz · 05-31-2008, 09:17 PM

I love stories with talking animals. Some people pooh-pooh stories with animals as the main characters, but I would point to ¨Animal Farm¨, and ¨Alice in Wonderland¨ and encourage open-mindedness.

By the language they used, they sound like very well-educated cats.

Candrah · 06-01-2008, 07:48 AM

Didnt mean to pooh-pooh animal stories. I've read lots of them in my time - Duncton Wood, The Stonor Eagles, Chia the Wildcat to name a few - and loved them all. I can be a bit blunt at times

On a constructive note - its well written and easy to read. No typos or grammar issues. Only niggle might be the language they use. Its realistic but sometimes I got bogged down in all the yah's and yeh's.

Hope this helps.

lin · 06-01-2008, 09:16 AM

I LOVE the tomcat plying the puss with dope.

I suddenly see Saint streching langourously and saying, "Watch out, hunny, I'm a bit of a screamer."

HippoHead · 06-02-2008, 06:32 PM

i think you're right with the 'yah's and stuff. It gets a bit tedious.

And i find it weird that I understood the word 'langourously'.

Candrah · 06-03-2008, 02:23 PM

And i find it weird that I understood the word 'langourously'.

I didnt even notice anything wrong with it till you pointed it out... Is there anything wrong with it? In this story it makes perfect sense

HippoHead · 06-03-2008, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Candrah

And i find it weird that I understood the word 'langourously'.

and the 'ya's and stuff are like
gah

Candrah · 06-04-2008, 02:08 PM

The yah's are good up to a point - they give the dialogue a particular moggy realism...

Maybe just use less of them.

HippoHead · 06-07-2008, 11:23 AM

The rest of the animal chapter. And I'm sorry to say that, if you don't read it, the world will actually explode. Sorry, but it's outta my hands!

“Keep ‘im ’ere, Saint, babe. I’ma get the guys. They’re gonna get a few minutes alone with this punk. Be back in five.” He nodded towards Bruno, “and if you don’t resist, I’ll slash the time I give ’em to spend with you and their claws. I want this over too, y’know. I just need to keep meh rep. up. And if you touch a hair on her, I’ll rip you to ribbons.”

He then scampered away, leaving Bruno and Saint alone together.

Saint carefully watched Sage leave before rounding on Bruno and saying,
“okay, go. Now!”

“You’re letting me go?!”

“Well, o’ course I am. I hate that guy! He found you before I got back to ya, I didn‘t lead him here. Now, go! There’s no reason why we should both suffer because of him. Get out of town, and you’re off the hook, Lush. He wont bother comin’ after ya.”

Bruno stood up, blinking heavily (his eyelids had become numb) and purred at Saint.

“I can’t leave you, though!”

“Yeah, ya can, babe. This is the only life I know. I’m here to protect cats like you - the innocents. If I don’t do it, no-one else will. That’s what I’m her for. So go, now! I’m just gonna say you rushed pas me and point ’em in the wrong direction. He’ll be monstrous if he finds ya, though, so for God’s sake don’t stop!”

Bruno bounded from the box and rushed through the dim street. Within minutes, he had spotted the town gates, and though he was already running as fast as he thought, he pushed himself harder.

Something hard collided into his back. He fell, and was then pounced on by the sneering Siamese cat.

“I got you! It was me! I’m the one who did it! Good, good! Old Needler will be rewarded for his efforts! Yess!”

Bruno looked up into the fang-barred, waxy face of Needler. His head was twitching wildly and his mouth was snapping open and shut like a starving alligator.

“Rip you apart! Scratch that pretty tail off! No rats for Needler tonight! Not tonight! Tonight, Needler gets his dinner live, raw and screaming!”

He licked his forked tongue so rapidly over his lips it was a wonder how he had any saliva left in which to drool.

“Mmm, yes! Fat! Juicy! Tender! Hey, Quabbles! QUABBLES! QUABBLES! QUABBLES! QUABBLES! I caught him, I did! It was me! I did it!”
The fat, gerbil-faced cat associate of Sage’s appeared out of nowhere, rasping.

“That’s some fine work, scruffy” he growled. “Keep him pinned, and I’ll go get Sage.” He then disappeared as fast as he reappeared.

Needler leered down at Bruno, who could only lie there and look utterly defeated. His back felt broken.

“Hurts, doesn’t it?!” Needler spat excitedly. “Learnt that move from Sage himself. Downs cats, wounds canines and kills smaller creatures.” He licked his reddened lips again. “Sage said we were to rough you up. Lucky you don’t carry the death penalty, huh? Then again - that all depends on what you’ve done since slapping him across the face.”

He gave a sneer of which Charles Stravon would feel humbled. “Can’t believe you did that - to Sage of all people! Lesser cats would call it bravery. Wiser cats call it stupidity. Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! That’s what you are! Stupid!”

Bruno scowled.

“Above answering me? Don’t make me say a pun like cat got your tongue - ’cause I really would tear out your tongue, bagglepus. I would tear out your tongue and skin it into a fine paste. So don’t make me use one, right?
Bruno remained silent.

Needler's face contorted. “Is it that you won’t talk - or can’t? Is the agony too much for you? Is it because the fatter the cat, the harder he falls?” His grimy whiskers brushed across Bruno’s face like unpleasant bristles on an old hairbrush.

“Get that breath away from me,” Bruno complained.

Needler sneered. “Resorting to cheap shots? You just ain’t seen enough of the outside world! You wimpy house-cats bring tears to my eyes. Don’t you know that disrespecting someone earns you a scratching, scum?”

He then flexed his claws and clamped them down hard onto Bruno’s bulbous head. Bruno meowed into the heavens before Needler brought his other paw forward and punctured Bruno’s face with his other set of claws. It was both a heavy and sharp blow.

Bruno would have fallen to the ground, had Needler not quickly bound his ropey tail round his neck until it was as tight as could be applied. He treated Bruno to a few more powerful jabs to his asthmatic chest, igniting a collection of chokes from Bruno’s now dangerously narrow oesophagus.

Out of instinct rather than planning it, Bruno drew back his legs like a coiled spring, then boosted them into Needler’s chest. The impact sent Needler flying backwards. He collided heavily with a wall and vomited something sickly brown from out the corners of his mouth.

Fire-furious, Needler rushed back at Bruno in a fit of demonic rage; Bruno crashed heavily into the floor, having just received a most impressive head butt.

“That will do,” said Sage calmly.

Needler fell back and immediately allowed Sage to pass, accompanied by Saint and Quabbles. He looked down at Bruno with pity and cold anger.
“So much pain and needless suffering,” he said, barely moving his lips. “Why do you continue to resist? Accept that certain battles cannot be won. Receive your comeuppance with dignity.”

Quabbles and Needler had malicious, greedy looks. Saint looked rather bored.
“I explained,” said Sage slowly, “how the situation should play out - that you should accept your much-needed punishment. It would have lasted… mere minutes. You would be slightly wounded, but otherwise fine. However, you chose to be a - no, not a hero, you were saving yourself only - you chose to be a coward. This displeases me… do you know what my biggest problem with you is right now?”

“… You don’t like me?

Sage smiled savagely. “I have no problem with your personality in general. I do not particularly care for it, but I have nothing against it, either. Guess again.”

Bruno shrugged. “I really have no idea.”

“Guess.”

“I don’t know - really.”

“Please guess. The answer is, I feel, obvious.”

“Well, it isn’t.”

“I must insist that you guess,” Sage ordered. “It will allow me to perceive as to whether you knew your actions were wrong.”

Bruno sighed. This was getting boring now.

“Was it because I made everyone waste their time?”

“No, but it was decent of you to assume - even if it was I who put the idea into your head in the first place… do you give up?”

“Yes.”

“The answer, Bruno, is that you attacked mah gal - shunted her out the way as if she was nothing.”

“He…” sniffled Saint, “he told me to move - to get out of his way…”

Bruno gawped.

“And - and I-I s-said no, so - so, he kicked me away - and then he laughed and ran off.” She then collapsed into a fit of tears.

Quaggles and Needler hissed.

“And also he punched me and stuff,” she put in quickly. “And took the catnip - that’s why there’s none left.” She sobbed harder than ever.

Sage’s face was dangerously unreadable.

“Liar!” Bruno roared, though he knew that it was pointless to say. Sage would trust Saint’s words, not his. Did she tell him to run so that he would get a stronger punishment? Was she that cruel?

“My gal is no liar,” said Sage, taking a few steps towards the battered Bruno. “If she says you attacked her, then that’s what you did. “This, my friend… earns you the death penalty. And I, myself will be the executioner.”

Saint’s eyes danced.

Sage nodded to his henchmen. “Watch, boys. This is how to kill a cat in less than ten seconds…”

A door from the left blasted open, and a black boarhound jumped out, landing heavily on Sage. Sage wriggled under the hound’s massive paws, and a muffled screeching came from underneath.

“Sir Snout!” shouted Needler, “get off him! Immediately!”

“I don’t take orders from disease-ridden rat hybrids like you.”

He boomed a ground-shattering bark at him. Both he and Quaggles scattered into the distance.

Sir Snout, baby,” said Saint, “you came just in time, hun.”

“But-” started Bruno, “but your one of the bad guys!”

“Aww, hun. No, no, no. It looked that way, but trust me, babe, I’m not. I only said those cruel things so that Sage would believe me and I could work on a way of freeing you.”

Sage squirmed his disapproval at these words.

“I’m sooo confused,” said Bruno.

“Allow me to ease your confusion,” Sir Snout assured him.

He picked up Saint with his teeth by the scruff of her neck (she roared her indignity), swung his head back, and tossed her over a distant fence. She did not scream as she flew, even though it was at least ten seconds before she landed with a soft thud.
“She’s evil. Period.”

“Sir Snout!” shouted a voice that sounded remarkably like Miles, “Sir Snout, come back! Quick!”

“Ugh,” Sir Snout sighed. “Got to go. Have to go get demeaned by humans - just been under attack by vampires.”

“V-vampires?” Bruno choked.

“Yes,” replied Sir Snout without change of tone. “You’ll be okay on your own, right?”

“Err, well - actually, no.” said Bruno truthfully. “I’d rather go back to the humans, frankly.”

“Really? I’m heading back that way, too. You can come with.”

“Sir Snout! Where are you?!”

“Humans are dim!” said Sir Snout crossly. “They just want me to find the Mole ‘cause their own noses are useless.”

“Uhh - I see… shall we get moving, then?”

“Yeah, but not too quickly. I want them to wait.”

Sir Snout leapt back through the broken doorway, expecting Bruno to follow. But he had only just registered the fact that he had just released the enraged, formally crushed Sage, who was now free and furious. Without a word, he sped after Bruno, who had taken off down the road in a panic.
Sir Snout made to go after them, but Miles had reappeared, bloody and bruised.

“There you are, you moron! Dogs really are dim!”

Sir Snout growled.

writer_87 · 06-08-2008, 05:20 PM

I have always enjoyed reading about animals that talk. Here you have captured their personalities well and made it a very entertaining read. Keep writing !

Candrah · 06-09-2008, 01:35 PM

I read it and all is well with the world

A gripping yarn. Re my first comment about a story about talking cats... Maybe but you kept me hooked right to the end. I cared about the characters and even though I got a bit lost towards then end, I didnt mind.

I enjoyed this a lot. Top marks.

HippoHead · 06-10-2008, 04:50 PM

Skeenage. The end of it is to do with the next chapter, so ignore the babble.
I was thinking about writing this chapter in the present tense (whereas the rest of the story is in the past) because animals live in the present. It would mean a lot of painful editing and it might confuse readers. Help me make a decision? :O

Candrah · 06-11-2008, 12:46 PM

I don't know... mixing tenses can be a pain in the arse and not just for you the poor writer

You might unnecessarily (damn that was a big word!) confuse the reader so I say, don't do it!