Mordecai The Avenger

I wrote this last year after a school trip to Washington D.C. It's a comical retelling/aggrandizement of my trip. There are a few inside jokes that you won't be able to understand, but for the most part it's all there.
Feedback, constructive criticism, and suggestions/tips are welcome.

Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Carlton, and one day he went to the magical realm of Washington D.C. It was very early in the morning, and Carlton was very tired when he arrived at the bus stop with his two friends Sir Voctar and Sir Keithowitz. Voctar, Keithowitz and Carlton would stop at nothing to reach the magical realm of Washington D.C., even if it meant a four hour bus ride with many other loud and obnoxious individuals.

After Carlton, Voctar, and Keithowitz established a base camp in the High Castle of the East, Sir Kevin of Court Cohen arrived to explain the goings-on about the journey to the mystically magical realm of Washington D.C., but he said unto the three young knights “We must wait for the others before we can embark,” for, you see, Voctar, Keithowitz, and Carlton were the first of the noblemen and women to arrive. A large band of merry men were expected to arrive later that morning, and the estimated time of embarkation was 0630 hours. Among the people expected to arrive were Lady Caity and Carlton’s soon to be bestest best friend, Lady Lauren.

The time of embarkation was soon to arrive, and after Sir Kevin of Court Cohen had explained to the members of the convoy the expected code of conduct during the journey, everyone filed onto a bus. In Carlton’s group were Sirs Voctar and Keithowitz and Ladies Lauren and Caity. Immediately, Carlton noticed a problem: there were only two seats per row on the bus! Carlton was forced to sit alone until he was soon joined by a pedophilic camp counseling hot dog bun salesman named Tom (who, Carlton surmised, thought Carlton was a Squire, but of course Carlton was a Knight, which is slightly higher than a Squire but lower than Nobles and Kings.). Carlton did not expect to like Tom very much (he attended Catholic Church on a regular basis; Carlton was a Protestant.) but he figured he would have to get over it. So, Carlton listened to the merry music of minstrel groups like Coldplay, The Beatles, The Shins, Death Cab for Cutie, and The Doors to pass the time while he didn’t listen to whatever in Odin’s name Tom was talking about.

After two hours of sitting on a bus listening to merry minstrels sing their hearts out, the bus came to a stop at a rest stop on the turnpike (or parkway or what have you). There, Carlton and the rest of the convoy were expected to gather foodstuffs to break their fast. Carlton and Sir Keithowitz decided to partake in some of the delicacies served the Court of the King of Burgers, whilst Ladies Caity and Lauren stopped at the Mystical Shop of Starbucks to have some of this newfangled concoction known as “coffee.” Sir Voctar was nowhere to be found, and to be brutally honest, he was not missed.

Carlton and Sir Keithowitz purchased their foodstuffs at the Court of the King of Burgers and sat down at a table in the courtyard. Carlton looked at the meal he had bought and supposed it could be considered food, but he was not quite sure if it was edible or if it merely seemed edible. He and Sir Keithowitz ate their passably edible food and drink, and then waited for their friends to return. Voctar returned with several others whom Carlton did not know and did not quite care to know, and so he took his leave and went to purchase something for the rest of the bus ride to the magical realm of Washington D.C.

At the nearby merchant, Carlton purchased some delightfully entertaining crackers that were in the shape of animals. As he waited in line to make his purchase, Sir Kevin of the Court of Cohen approached and inquired about the whereabouts of Noble Sir Anthony of the Court of Sicurella. Carlton confessed that he did not know, for the last time he had seen Sir Anthony was that past Friday. Sir Anthony was supposed to attend the journey, but he failed to arrive. To this day no one knows what became of Sir Anthony. (Except maybe Sir Anthony himself.).

Carlton, Sir Voctar, Sir Keithowitz, and the Ladies Lauren and Caity returned to their bus and took their seats. As the bus droned along, Carlton cursed the man sitting to his left. Lady Lauren had apparently purchased some “Starbursts,” small, cubic, chewy fruit snacks crafted by the Wizards of Mars, and she was having a merry old time placing the wrappers of the snacks on top of Carlton’s head whilst she sat behind him. The bus continued happily along its path, and, after two hours of hating the man to his left, Carlton and his friends arrived in the mystical realm of Washington D.C.

Unfortunately, the travelers were not allowed to traverse the city on their own; they were permitted only to go to certain shops, and after they finished purchasing their useless knickknacks, they were chauffeured to a different destination. At the first stop, Sir Voctar and Carlton considered purchasing some sweet bling; but, alas, they took too long in making a decision, and they did not buy any bling.

After several other uneventful stops, Carlton and the others were finally permitted to leave the bus and wander freely around several memorials. Sirs Voctar and Keithowitz found something that caught their interest at a small kiosk nearby, and they left to investigate it, leaving Carlton with Ladies Lauren and Caity. The three wandered about the first memorial taking pictures and simply being strange whilst they waited for the return of Voctar and Keithowitz. Voctar and Keithowitz returned with a newfangled substance they called “film;” it was quite strange to Carlton, but he ignored it as he normally does in such cases. The band then set out upon their journey once more.

The five members of the group traveled about the memorial grounds. They stood before a great statue of Noble Sir Lincoln, who is credited for freeing the bondmen of the country, and they considered swimming across the Potomac River and paying a visit to Sir Thomas the Pigeon-Voiced, but they were under strict orders by Sir Kevin of Court Cohen not to do so, much to the disappointment of Lady Caity. The group visited the memorials to the great wars of Vietnam and Korea, as well as the memorial to what Carlton could only assume was Sir Washington’s genitalia (somebody was compensating for something.) The bus soon arrived to take them away, however, and ended their fun for that portion of the trip. When Carlton took his seat, he was soon greeted by Sir Tom the Hated, who confessed to Carlton that he had worn his sweatshirt around his waist for the first time in several years. Carlton did not know what in the name of Thor’s Hammer Tom was speaking of, but he nodded and smiled at Tom, accepting the fact that this man was a complete and total idiot. (In addition, he had the pedophile eyes, and Carlton detests the pedophile eyes.)

Luckily, Carlton, Voctar, Keithowitz, Lauren and Caity were soon taken to “The Mall,” at which there were many museums one could explore. This place, however, was where the real trouble began. The group decided to venture forth into the Museum of Natural History. Sir Keithowitz was held up by security, however, for having a drink on the premises, and the others were forced to wait for him. Carlton was unaware of this occurrence and continued walking forward. He was amazed by the enchanted stairwells that propelled those who stepped upon them downward or upward, and he could not keep himself off of these so-called “Escalators.” Carlton ventured downward, completely unaware of the fates of his friends. When he reached the bottom of the stairwell, Carlton turned to tell his friends how amazing the enchanted stairwells were, but, much to his surprise, they were gone! Carlton did not know what to do! After falling to his knees, pleading to the Gods for mercy, and, finally, crying sorrowfully, Carlton got to his feet and assessed the situation. Obviously, he needed to find his friends. But how was he to go about doing this? Carlton stepped forth onto the enchanted stairwell, hoping it would take him back upwards, but it simply brought him down once more. Carlton realized he would not be able to return from whence he came. So, he ventured onward into the unknown. He saw a sign that pointed him in the direction of the Court of Sir Food. Carlton hoped that perhaps Sir Food would aid him in his quest to find his friends. Unfortunately, Sir Food only aided him in his quest to find pizza and fries.

While in the Court of Sir Food, Carlton noticed a nobleman he recognized from the High Castle of the East. Carlton believed his name to be Sir Mike, but he was not sure. He approached Sir Mike and informed him of his current situation. Sir Mike was quite understanding, and invited Sir Carlton into his group whilst Carlton searched for his friends. Carlton soon met the other members in Sir Mike’s group, and was pleasantly surprised to find that he knew many of them. Among the members of the group were Carlton’s friends Ladies Damaris, Dana, Hilary, Samantha, and Michelle, as well as Lady Amanda, of whom Carlton knew, but he had yet to meet her in person.

Carlton spent nearly all of his gold at the Court of Sir Food, realizing that this was apparently how the Museum of Natural History compensated for not charging for admission. After a meal of pizza and fries, Carlton and his new group ventured upward to explore the exhibits of the museum. Carlton viewed the largest diamond he had ever seen, and he shook the hand of a caveman (who, he was later told, was not real. Carlton refused to accept this however, and instead argued that the caveman must have been put into stasis by the curse of an evil warlock.).

After staring in awe at the largest diamond he had ever seen, Carlton left that particular exhibit and located Lady Damaris. Damaris had not seen the others in the group for some time, and was beginning to wonder about their whereabouts. Carlton feared that he had once again lost a group. He began to wonder if he was cursed, but then he could not think of an instance when he was in the presence of an evil warlock or of a time when he heard strange chanting or singing; and besides, he thought, why would an evil warlock curse him? He had done no wrong. But then he realized that warlocks are blind to the good or bad deeds of others, and would curse a noble man as quickly as they would curse an evil one. So Carlton began to devise ways of breaking the curse, but he would need to know exactly which curse had been laid upon him in order to break it. Carlton figured that the local Cleric would help him determine which curse had been used, so he asked Lady Damaris if she knew where the local Cleric would be situated. Damaris confessed that she had no idea what, by Odin’s raven, Carlton was talking about, and so Carlton went back to trying to solve his own problem. He considered leaving to find the Cleric, but then he thought that that would be exactly what the curse would want him to do, as it would require him to leave his group behind. Carlton was frightened; he might never break the evil curse! Just then, Lady Dana returned with Lady Michelle, and Carlton began to gain more hope. The four set out to find the others, and, after a long period of searching, they were finally able to locate them. Perhaps Carlton wasn’t cursed after all.

Time was winding down, and it would not be long before the bus returned to take the group to some other location. There was not enough time for Carlton and his new group to do everything they wished to do, so instead they went and saw a big door. They knocked on the big door, but no one answered. It was quite uneventful.

The group went and waited for the bus to arrive. Carlton was still worried about his group. He wondered if he would ever see them again. He hoped, however, that somehow Sir Tom managed to get lost and forgotten in the depths of Washington D.C. He was not, much to the disappointment of Carlton. Carlton took his seat on the bus and waited for the other adventurers. Whilst he waited, he watched a magician on the street as he tossed several objects into the air and caught in rapid succession. It was quite interesting, but it became tiresome after several minutes and Carlton stopped watching. Instead, Carlton looked out of his window at the people arriving to get on the bus, waiting eagerly for his friends to arrive. Finally, he saw them as they got onto the bus. Carlton was quite pleased at this occurrence, and he happily greeted his friends as they took their seats.

Sir Voctar had managed to obtain a shiny new walking stick. Carlton envied that walking stick, for it was tall, dark, and handsome, whereas Carlton was short, pale, and passably attractive from a distance. Sir Keithowitz had purchased a pen that declared his newfound love for basketball. Sir Tom remained an annoying man with pedophile eyes.

The bus droned onward towards the not-so-mystical realm of Toms River, New Jersey. Carlton was very tired, and greatly wished to fall asleep. Lady Lauren attempted to facilitate Carlton’s desire for sleep by singing him a delightful lullaby. Unfortunately, the noble in front of Carlton had fallen asleep earlier, and Sir Tom used his friend’s eyeliner to draw a mustache on the face of the sleeping individual, and this occurrence made Carlton very frightened of the sleep he so desired.

When the bus stopped at a rest stop after two hours, Carlton went to the Mystical Shop of Starbucks and purchased a “Mocha Frappuccino,” which he guzzled in less than ten minutes, pleading to the gods that the caffeine contained in the drink would keep him awake for the duration of the journey home. Fortunately, the caffeine did indeed work, and Carlton was able to listen to Lady Lauren’s lullaby without consequence. He never fell asleep and never fell prey to the dreaded eyeliner.

Two hours later, the convoy arrived at the High Castle of the East in the not-so-mystical realm of Toms River, New Jersey. Carlton was relieved to be away from the man with the pedophile eyes, but he was saddened to have to leave his friends. Carlton bid Sir Voctar, Sir Keithowitz, Lady Lauren, and Lady Caity farewell and took his leave. Later that night, Carlton opened his fridge to find some form of foodstuffs to facilitate the ending of his hunger. Inside the fridge, in plain sight, was an avocado. Carlton burst into laughter, frightening his family members (who now believe him to be insane.).

Carlton thought back on his day and decided that it was indeed a very pleasant one, if not the bestest best day he had had (aside from having to sit next to a pedophile.).

Mordecai The Avenger

:/ longish?

WriteStuff

I read five paragraphs and quit. It was, truthfully, awful. "Mystical, magical" was not good at all. Some of it was funny like the minstrel groups, but the rest was sort of redundant, which is how medieval literature is. However, if you are going to mock the style, at least write in the style.

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Mordecai The Avenger

Thanks; I'd much rather hear that than have someone lie to me and say it's wonderful and great, and then continue living a lie.
As for whether or not I was trying to mock medieval literature, I honestly don't know. It started out that I was trying to make it sound like a children's story, and then somehow medieval lit. got in there, and, well, as you can tell, all hell broke loose and...this was born of it.
Anyway, thanks for the truth.

Raniegh

I agree. I read to the part w/ Tom. My brain was way to bored to even finish.

I think the way you went in tellng it wasn't the smartest, but just the opinions of an amateur.

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