Prologue of a Fantasy. [Approx 850 words] - Writers Forum

Vitrify · 05-25-2008, 10:01 PM

This is the first bit of my first novel. Please claw away at my work with suggestions. Thanks.
[insert first time writer/don't be too harsh/want advice]
I haven't made it into chapters yet, so it's basically just the beginning chunk.

Quote:

School had ended. All the kids were celebrating the end of school, but one boy stood out. He was alone, but not because he was an outcast. Lots of the other kids had tried to befriend him, but he shunned them away, preferring to stay in his own world. He was the quiet one in the corner, the one nobody noticed.
Chrome was orphaned before he could remember. He lived with his aunt and uncle, who had become his foster parents. Other than this, he was a completely normal boy. This was all true, until one day, when Chrome turned fourteen. His aunt explained everything. Everything about his parents. Chrome never really cared much for his parents, biological or adopted; he was much more focused on the slender, wrapped package on the carpet. “…murdered… swords…” said a faint voice.

“… only right to give you this.”
Chrome snapped back to reality as his aunt lifted the slender package and handed it to him. The swords. He knew what it was the moment he laid hands on it. Two identical swords, made from one. Blood red. Chrome acted, pretended to mourn over the swords that killed his parents. In fact, he had no care that the swords killed his parents. He was much more interested in the sheer power that pulsed through him as he held them.

He walked back to his room, head down, as if he was miserable. Even while trying his best to act, Chrome couldn’t help but grin; he knew that with the hair covering his face, his aunt and uncle would not notice it. Once Chrome was in his room with the door closed, he carefully opened the package - two red swords, just as he predicted. Lighter than a feather, stronger than diamond.

The two swords were made of one, split vertically down the middle. Put together, they fit perfectly in the sheathe that was also in the package. The sheathe was a masterpiece. Black, shaped perfectly, strong enough to act as a shield. After seeing everything, Chrome put it all back exactly how it was before, into the box. He would act as if everything were normal, as if he hadn’t had that thirst for power.

Everyday, when Chrome got home from school, he would lock himself in his room. Taking out his swords, he would train, everyday. He had no purpose in doing this, he simply loved the power he felt when he held the swords, swinging them wildly at invisible enemies. While he did this, he was silent, making sure his aunt and uncle would not notice.

Four years passed. Chrome had already moved out; now he lived alone. He had been training every day since he got the swords. Today would be different, today would be the day that Chrome’s life would change.
As Chrome walked home from school, he got the mail, like any other day. There were a few letters, probably from the universities he had applied to. Chrome really didn’t know what he wanted to major in, so he thought he should take something math related, as that would give him the largest variety of options for careers.

Sifting through the mail, one stood out to him. Unlike the rest, this one wasn’t in a plain, white envelope. Rather, the envelope was black and there was no stamp on it. Chrome took this letter and opened it.

Hello Chrome,
We’ve been watching you for some time now and we’re interested in the skills you have to offer. We’re from the FAC, a secret branch of the Canadian Forces. We’re a group of skilled assassins that kill on the government’s request. Most of the time, we take out dangerous criminals, but sometimes, there are ethical conflicts when it comes to our work. We are aware that you are currently in your University years, and we are able to provide courses available anywhere else in the world, but better. This, however, is completely optional, if you decide so, you do not have to take any of these university courses. Any other questions you have that have not been addressed will be answered if you wish to accept this offer to join us at the FAC. To accept this offer, simply ‘return to sender’ this letter, and wait outside after school the day after this letter has been sent. Otherwise, dispose of this letter in such a manner that it will would be impossible for anyone else to read. Thank you.

Sincerely, Xyphor

Skipping university, assassination of criminals, probably excellent pay, he thought to himself, but, could this possibly be real, or was it just a hoax? No. Chrome was sure no normal person could have been able to spy on him to this extent. Even if it was a hoax, he had nothing to lose. He’d wait till tomorrow morning, he’d drop it off on the way to school. He had so many questions, but he was sure more would come up as time passed.

(Yes, I copy/pasted from my post from another forum)

slayerofangels · 05-26-2008, 05:31 AM

Ok, get rid of the assassin letter, or change it to something in bland government-ese. If this group is worth talking about, they would either meet him straight out, or arrange a meeting under different pretences.

I'll give the rest another read before I comment.

Candrah · 05-26-2008, 12:46 PM

I agree - get rid of that letter! Sorry but I laughed when I read it. It's not realistic. And some background info would be nice - about his parents and who killed them, that sort of thing. There are some grammar issues but I'm no expert so hopefully someone else will pick up on that.

Anyway, just my thoughts.

candrah

TevenB · 05-26-2008, 07:32 PM

Hmm, I think you should get rid of the letter as well. Or make it bland as slayerofangels had suggested. I dont think a real secret organization would explain that much before you met them, because if you refuse, your one of the people who shouldn't know about them.

I also have to ask, whats the purpose of the odd futuristic, fantasy like names? Chrome and Xyphon sound really odd. Not that thats a bad thing, I just want to know your motive. Especially if this is modern day. One thing I really liked was the concept of the swords, well done on that.

One more thing, theres not a single piece of dialog in the whole thing. Now it seems like an intro so thats ok. But I hope there is going to be a change because its hard to understand and more importantly care about a person if theres no dialog.

Wintermute · 05-27-2008, 12:14 PM

The story's truth eludes me. What self-respecting assassin would advertise himself via snail mail?

SevenWritez · 05-27-2008, 02:28 PM

Well, no one brave enough seems willing to say the truth, so I'll be the intrepid first.

This is awful. The writing is atrocious, childish, and has a paucity of flow or syntax.

If you're writing this for yourself, then go on and have fun with it, as I am a firm believer in writing for the sake of writing, and if that is your goal, then all the power to you. However, if you intend to be published, and this is where you stand so far, then you might as well scrap the novel idea and get to work on some short stories.

Refine your style, your dialogue (the letter is laughable, and not in the good way), and improve yourself before stepping foot in the shadows of the novels. You need serious work.

Also, as a writer, I hope you have a thick skin. I am not being intentionaly malicious in this post, but I am speaking from a reader's level, and as such, being honest.

Good luck to you and your craft--we all start somewhere.

Vitrify · 05-27-2008, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SevenWritez

Well, no one brave enough seems willing to say the truth, so I'll be the intrepid first.

This is awful. The writing is atrocious, childish, and has a paucity of flow or syntax.

If you're writing this for yourself, then go on and have fun with it, as I am a firm believer in writing for the sake of writing, and if that is your goal, then all the power to you. However, if you intend to be published, and this is where you stand so far, then you might as well scrap the novel idea and get to work on some short stories.

Refine your style, your dialogue (the letter is laughable, and not in the good way), and improve yourself before stepping foot in the shadows of the novels. You need serious work.

Also, as a writer, I hope you have a thick skin. I am not being intentionaly malicious in this post, but I am speaking from a reader's level, and as such, being honest.

Good luck to you and your craft--we all start somewhere.

Thank you.
Although you didn't give my much advice on how to fix it (thanks, everyone else, for that), you told me that it sucked. This right away makes me know that I should keep this story relatively short, so I don't waste too much time on it, but still finish writing it, so that I can learn something.

Once again, thanks.

SevenWritez · 05-30-2008, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vitrify

Thank you.
Although you didn't give my much advice on how to fix it (thanks, everyone else, for that), you told me that it sucked. This right away makes me know that I should keep this story relatively short, so I don't waste too much time on it, but still finish writing it, so that I can learn something.

Once again, thanks.

I meant to, but I was tired. And you should thank (forget his name) but some guy who just sent something to my inbox. I didn't see this comment, but he made me aware of it.

Anyhow, I don't intend to re-read the story, but here's my input based off of what I remember.

The problem I immediately noticed in your story was the lackluster telling. While I am not in the camp that says you MUST ABSOLUTELY WITH NO EXCEPTIONS SHOW SHOW SHOW (did I mention show?) EVERYTHING (!!!), I believe that if you intend to start a story off in that matter you must make the telling poetic, sparse, captivating, something. What I found dull in your piece was that it felt like a typical fantasy story--unusual kid, loner, etc.

While this isn't immediately wrong (just as I remain adverse to the show crowd, I believe 'originality' is something only sought by those without talent--it's the notes that make the song, not the vision), you gave nothing to your character that made me want to read more about him. Without any immediate dialogue, action, or scene, I felt as if I was reading a poorly told fairy tale about a young child who'd I'd seen so many times before in so many different ways.

Now, for the letter. As others have said, it is corny. Any organization would not reveal itself that fully. Also, no kid would willingly just be like "Fux yeah man, I'm gonna assassinate some bitches" (<--I wrote that for my own entertainment, don't take it as an attack--I'm rambling and heading into tangents, I know, but forgive me, I'm an eccentric). He'd have to consider it, think about. If you want to keep the letter, try something that is captivating. Opens a letter. One word. "Corner Shop." Something like that. a Meeting point. Etc.

As for your writing, I will make no comments in this post, retracting anything I may have said pertaining to it in my last post (my mind changes ten times per minute--if I come back here tomorrow calling you a worthless fool, I ask you in advance to forgive me), as I believe the actual preference of writing styles is too subjective to judge. My favorite writers aren't mainstream, but that doesn't change my opinion of them. Some people consider J.K. Rowling the biggest hack in the world, while millions of readers love her novels. Is anyone right? Who knows, it comes down to preference.

Anyways, good luck. I'm a bit jacked up on caffeine right now, so uh, um, er, eck, yeah. Hopefully this made sense.