Snippet from a new story - Writers Forum

ResidentHippie · 05-23-2008, 10:15 PM

I got an idea for a story yesterday and today just started writing. This is what I've come up with so far. What do you think?

As I walk down the beach, with the cool grainy sand enveloping my bare feet, I’m taken back to a place in my mind when everything was different. Life was less complicated. I wasn’t consumed by a flood of overwhelming pain, anxiety, and fear of life. The beach was my sanctuary, my only escape from everything. It was the only place I knew I could go to and be assured that I would be okay.

Life wasn’t always this way for me. In fact, I used to love life. Happiness for me was the rule rather than the exception. If someone had told me just one year ago that this is how things would be now, I would have laughed in their face and told them they were crazy.

I had a job I loved as a daycare teacher. The kids I cared for everyday were my world. I knew everything about them. Their families praised me for how good I was with them and raved about how much they loved me.

My life outside of work was more than I could have dreamed of. I had an amazing boyfriend of two years, Jacob. We were destined to be together forever and had begun talking about marriage and even planning how many children we wanted to have together. We decided on four; three boys and a girl.

I had great friends who were always around, who I always had a blast with no matter what we were doing.

Life couldn't get any better.

I never would have imagined that everything could change so drastically in the blink of an eye. But it did.

My fall into darkness began on a Saturday. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, it’s burned into my mind and no matter how hard I try to forget it, it’s always there.

The day started like any normal Saturday. Jacob and I woke up early and made our usual Saturday morning breakfast; whole grain pancakes and fresh cut organic fruit. We were health nuts. After breakfast, Jacob had to go over to his parent’s house to help his dad with something, and for some reason I can’t recall what it was. I decided since he was going out, that I would go see my best friend, Hazel, who had just gotten home from a month long vacation in Europe.

If only I had stayed home instead. Maybe I would still have my old life.

astralis · 05-24-2008, 12:05 AM

It makes me want to know what happened. Continue it.

Candrah · 05-24-2008, 01:11 PM

This is really good.

I love the sentence "My fall into darkness began on a Saturday." You had me at the beginning with the cool grains of sand, but this is brilliant. Now you have to post the rest of it. I'm curious.

Candrah

Vitrify · 05-24-2008, 10:01 PM

Very nice hook, it definitely makes me want to 'flip the page'.
Now I'm really wondering what it was that happened to her.

AlienatedAlien · 05-25-2008, 12:05 AM

Very good intro, a great hook. Now we have to know what happened to this character, and what may still happen.

slayerofangels · 05-25-2008, 05:55 AM

Quote:

Life couldn't get any better.

I never would have imagined that everything could change so drastically in the blink of an eye. But it did.

My fall into darkness began on a Saturday. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, it’s burned into my mind and no matter how hard I try to forget it, it’s always there.

There has to be a better way to say this... As it is...I dunno, it just seems overly dramatic. You've told us that her life changed drastically in the first five lines, and hammered that fact home by saying how great she thinks her old life was. We don't need to be told again.

It just seems like too much build-up for me. If you changed the "life couldn't get any better" line to something a bit cynical or ironic, and then cut straight to "It started like any other Saturday..." it works just as well, but that's just my opinion.

Good luck.

ResidentHippie · 05-28-2008, 09:25 PM

Thank you for the feedback!

Slayerofangels, I will take that into consideration!

Thank you!