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Old 05-07-2008, 02:52 AM   #1
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Heidi 2636 words

Chapter 1:
Past and Present

A higher plane

The wind was rustling the willows leaves, Heidi looked up at the tree from her blanket beneath it.
Six years ago, she wouldn’t have believed that it was possible to find a place like this.
As she stood up Heidi looked to the creek where the children were jumping from rocks into the water, above them men and women were meditating on higher rocks their robes fluttering about them absentmindedly.
Heidi headed up the hill, the long grass brushing against her hands, as if they all wanted to touch her, and she let them, knowing they could bring her no harm, for this was a safe place, a place where she could forget about her past.


Abstract from ‘The Sunday News’ Newspaper’s Police Report 25/04/08

Police are calling on residents to keep an eye out for two men, who escaped from Cartville Prison yesterday morning.

The men aged 27 and 35 were both convicted late February 02 and were due to be released in 2018.
The 27 year old male is described as of medium height, average build with a shaven head and olive skin tone; whereas the 35 year old is just under six foot tall, slightly muscular build with dark brown hair and glasses.
Police will not reveal how the prisoners escaped but are warning residents to remember to lock their doors and are advising against walking home alone at night.
Police are also asking people to phone crime stoppers if they sight the two men or witness any suspicious behaviour but they insure residents that they have the situation under control. Investigation is continuing.


The unedited version of the televised interview by local news reporter Janine Greer with Community Worker, John Brae on his research into the Gin Ginaba naturalists:

(Halfway into interview)
John Brae: ‘On a property situated west of Gin Ginaba live about 30 adults and ten children of whom nobody knows about. How can this be? Because these people largely keep to themselves. And with their own housing, school and agriculture they have no need to involve themselves with the rest of society. This community is basically self-sufficient.
Janine Greer: You said that there was approximately 10 children living in this group, how are these children affected by the separation from the rest of society, the rest of the world? I am lead to believe some of these children have never been outside of the community.
Brae: Miss Greer (Laughs). Janine, can I call you Janine?
Greer: (rearranges her skirt in her seat) Yes
Brae: This community would be some parents’ haven. A place where there children can grow up away from the terrors of the world. Away from war, destruction the chaos’s of our society.
Greer: But Mr Brae…
Brae: Please Janine call me Brae (smiles).
Greer: (coughs) Don’t you think being a parent is not just about protecting your child, but teaching them right from wrong, teaching them how to cope with the world, how to deal with difficult situations, not hide them away from it?
Brae: (Sitting up in his seat) Yes I do Janine, I do. From my studies and brief discussions with some of the community members I have learnt that they do teach the children about life outside their community… but it is somewhat painted in a negative light… as not the ideal way to live, and with good reason. How obsessed are we these days about the price of petrol? (Leans back). Concerned about the worlds resources coming to an end? Perhaps we should be looking to the naturalist community here in Gin Ginaba as an example of a sustainable society, well as close as one can get to sustainability. (Standing up) Local examples are good but we must think big now…


A Celebration

‘Mate, we did it, we did it mate, we actually did it’, Ken said, cracking open a beer from the mini bar fridge and handing one to Greg.
‘Hey we’re not out of the clear yet’, Greg said pushing Ken’s hand away.
‘They’ll be looking for us you know’ he said taking off his glasses and giving them a rub on his shirt.
‘Wait till it cools off for a few months then we can celebrate.’
‘Aw come on just one beer’, Ken persisted, thrusting the can into Greg’s hand.
Greg took the can, opened it, and looked at it.
‘What’s the matter?’ Ken asked, sitting opposite his mate on the metal chair beside the motel door.
Greg looked up grinning.
Ken nodded knowingly.
‘Sounds good ay.’
‘It’s been too long, far too long.’
‘Ready’ Ken said, holding his can to his lips.
Greg did the same.
They both thrust their heads back letting the beer flow down their throats.
Ken stood up grinning, beer dripping down his front.
‘Ah mate doesn’t get much better than this.’


Police conference 24/04/08

Police chief inspector Ronaley straightened his suit jacket as he stood before ten police men and women working on the Ken Georgia and Greg Linely case.
‘Of course we would like to keep this under wraps as soon as possible. Our first port of call will be to work from what we know of the prisoners escape and to follow their path from there. These fellas are pretty chummy and we do believe that they would have stuck together after their escape.’
A few of the officers nodded and chief inspector Ronaley continued.
‘We will have several of you man the phones as we will be releasing a description of the men and we have told residents to phone if they see any suspicious behaviour.’
Chief inspector Ronaley turned to his two key sergeants for the case.
‘I want you two to research the escapees’ previous cases to see if there is any clue to where they are or where they might be headed.’


Looking for Joseph

She had never been up this way before, even on a wandering to reflect upon nature she had never been.
Heidi hoped they found him soon.
Joseph, Angela’s youngest, was missing and all of the adults except a few who had stayed back in case anyone returned and to look after the remaining children, had gone looking for him.
She was almost at the top of the embankment and what lay behind her was a twisting of thick vegetation.
Reaching the top of the embankment Heidi stood frozen at what she saw.
The black tarmac was hot on her bare feet and she moved quickly from it.
Heidi had completed a fair hike but she was surprised to discover that the road was so close to the community, surprised that she had never heard cars passing.
The road was empty now.
Maybe cars didn’t past here very often.
Heidi imagined Joseph standing there and what he would of done, it would have been all so new to him, having never have gone outside the community before.
Surely, she thought, one of the adults would have known how close the road was.


The Chevrolet

‘Where’d you get it’, Greg asked Ken, settling in behind the wheel of a 1961 Chevrolet Bel Air four door sedan. It had been repainted a few times over its life but now it was a light grey. It was a little worn here and there but still a beauty.
‘Old lady round the corner had it sitting in her backyard’ Ken said smirking.
‘Well get in then. We should have been off an hour ago.’
Ken got in and they sped off from the motel.
‘Where are we headed?’
‘Thought we’d head north, maybe catch up with an old friend. She knows where it is and how else we gonna pay our way out of this mess?’ Greg said.
‘All right, Gin Ginaba here we come.’


The Reunion

A car was coming on the road.
Heidi could here it approaching but didn’t move, she held her breath as it approached.
The car was old, but it was going fast.
The car sped by and she exhaled.
She turned to head back to camp this was too much. She had to find out if anyone had found Joseph… and find out why she hadn’t known about the road.
As she edged over to the embankment, she could hear another car approaching from the opposite direction.
Heidi turned her head as the car came round a bend and frowned.
It was the same car that had just passed.
The car slowed down and then it stopped right in front of her.
Heidi turned around fully to look in at the cars occupants.
Her mouth dropped, the faces staring back at her were all to familiar.
‘Gday Heids’


The Kidnapping

‘Just the person we were looking for. Didn’t expect to see you quite out this way but I guess it’s our lucky day now isn’t it?’ Ken said, opening the car door.
Heidi didn’t waist time, immediately she started to run, but Ken was quickly out the door his arms holding her in a bind.
Pulling a knife out of his pocket, his flashed it at her.
Heidi didn’t move.
‘Get in the car’ he said pushing her in. He tied her feet together with a bit of rope in the back seat and locked the door.
‘Now I’m not going to tie your hands but don’t go trying nothing all right’
Heidi closed her eyes; she thought she had removed these men from her life.


Coping

She had been sheltered for too many years and now the brutal reality of the world gleaming, pushed into her face, shining, blinding her eyes, causing too much pain so that she wanted to retreat to go back, back to her community, back to a happy place and in her mind she did go back.
‘What is she doing,’ Ken said looking into the backseat at their kidnap victim.
‘I don’t know, I can’t see I got me eyes on the bloody road, don’t I’, Greg said, glancing into the revision mirror to see the young woman curled up in a ball on the seat, knees to chest, eyes closed, hands over ears, making a soft humming sound.
‘You right in there Heid’s?’ he called to her.
It had been years since anyone had called her that and she pressed her hands closer to her ears to shut out the noise.
‘I know your after Chris’s money but I don’t have it’, she shouted at the men, her hands still covering her ears, ‘I don’t know where it is’.
The community had taught Heidi it was wrong to lie but she had to protect them.
‘We know you were the only one Chris talked to, the only one he would confide in. Come on now’ Ken said admiring the knife’s blade.
‘I was so out of it on the e and the coke. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t even realise he was dead when you killed him’ Heidi said, her hands now clenching the seat.
Ken was smiling in the front when she mentioned Chris’s name the same way he smiled in the courtroom as she told the jury what had happened.
Heidi wanted to vomit.


An exchange

‘Take it’ Heidi said pushing the credit card with the slip of paper into the old man’s hands.
‘You don’t need to do this’ he argued, placing an arm on Heidi’s shoulder.
‘I know, but I want to. I don’t want to be a part of that world anymore.’
‘I understand’, the old man’s hand closed around the card.
‘Thankyou.’


The Kill

Chris was in the kitchen.
Heidi could see his slender body leaning over the bench from where she lay on the bed. She turned facing the wall.
Chris’s shadow was dancing for her and she giggled maniacally at the sight.
Heidi rolled onto her stomach wrapping herself in the sheets to stop herself. From the silence, she could here voices talking over the top of each other.
When the voices came, they said bad things.
Heidi didn’t want to hear the voices.
Chris had told her to hum when they came, to put her hands over her ears, and hum to drown out the sound.
Hum so she couldn’t here them so she didn’t do bad things and end up in hospital again.
When the voices got louder, Heidi hummed over the top of them.
It was only when she heard the gun shot that she was pulled out of it.
She took her hands away from her ears and stopped humming.
‘Chris’ she called.
‘Chris’ she said again making her way into the kitchen.
There were two men standing in the doorway, men she recognised.
‘What are you doing here?’
The men took one look at Heidi and ran.
Heidi looked down at Chris’s body lying on the kitchen floor.
‘Chris? Wake up,’ he didn’t move.
She picked him up and dragged his lifeless body to the bed.
She tucked him in and then climbed in beside him. Kissed him on the cheek and fell asleep.


Recovering

Heidi’s eyes were bloodshot.
Her skin itched and she just wished she could fast forward until it was over.
From the moment the old man entered the hut he could hear the soft humming.
Heidi’s was the only bed in the hut and the old man bent beside her picking up a dish of her vomit and replacing it with an empty one.
He turned to go but a felt a tugging and looked down as Heidi’s thin hand grasped around his robes.
She looked up at him and in a hoarse voice said
‘Don’t leave me here with them.’
‘The past only lives on in your mind if you let it my dear’, the old man said but sat beside Heidi holding her hand.


Changing faces

The expression on Heidi’s face changed as the landscape outside the car window went from bush to farmland, to outer suburbia.
She knew what was coming next, house after house, side by side, shops, multi story buildings, parking lots, cement, brick, less trees and more greed.
People she didn’t know.
Strangers, so many strange faces.
People she couldn’t trust.
People living in world beyond their control, a world they had created.
People obsessed with material things, oblivious to the obvious irony.
A never-ending consumer society for a world of limited resources.
You can only take for so long.


A few leads

Sargent Rofeerio entered the room swiftly and placed a file on Inspector Ronaley’s desk. ‘We got a call in to say that a couple of men matching the description checked in at a motel eight hours from Cartville.’
‘Good’, Ronaley said adjusting his tie.
‘And an old lady reported her car being stolen from her house right near the motel. Sir, the car was a 1961 Chevrolet Bel Air four door Sedan,’
Ronaley blinked.
‘Sir this is an important lead not only do we know from the offenders’ history that Georgia had a thing for older motor vehicles. But you don’t see a 1961 four door Chevy driving around too often; it shouldn’t take too much to track.’
Ronaley stood up.
‘Then let’s go.’

The Card

Heidi was sitting on a worn couch; she stared at its frayed edges rubbing her nose, with the back of her hand.
Chris was sitting beside her staring at the ceiling.
On the coffee table in front of both of them was a credit card and a small pile of white powder.
Heidi turned to Chris and they both started laughing


An Escape

No one had said anything for quite some time.
Both of the men had their eyes on the road.
Heidi moved quietly and undid the lock on the car door.
Ready, she told herself, holding the handle, now.
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Old 05-10-2008, 05:20 PM   #2
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phurst is on a distinguished road
Chapter 1:
Past and Present

A higher plane

The wind was rustling(I would go with ' The wind rustled the leaves) the willows leaves,(I think you need an ; here instead of a comma or the sentence is incomplete) Heidi looked up at the tree from her blanket beneath it.
Six years ago,(delete the comma) she wouldn’t have believed that it was possible to find a place like this.
As she stood up Heidi looked to the creek where the children were jumping('the children jumped' this gets rid of the to be verb) from rocks into the water,(Need a period here or your sentence goes incomplete again.) above them men and women were meditating('..women meditated..') on higher rocks(rocks above the young ones) their robes fluttering about them absentmindedly.
Heidi headed up the hill, the long grass brushing against her hands, as if they all wanted to touch her, and she let them, knowing they could bring her no harm, for this was a safe place, a place where she could forget about her past.(too many commas)


Abstract from ‘The Sunday News’ Newspaper’s Police Report 25/04/08

Police are calling on residents to keep an eye out for two men, who escaped from Cartville Prison yesterday morning.

The men aged 27 and 35 were both convicted late February 02 and were due to be released in 2018.
The 27 year old male is described as of medium height, average build with a shaven head and olive skin tone; whereas the 35 year old is just under six foot tall, slightly muscular build with dark brown hair and glasses.
Police will not reveal how the prisoners escaped but are warning residents to remember to lock their doors and are advising against walking home alone at night.
Police are also asking people to phone crime stoppers if they sight the two men or witness any suspicious behaviour but they insure residents that they have the situation under control. Investigation is continuing.


The unedited version of the televised interview by local news reporter Janine Greer with Community Worker, John Brae on his research into the Gin Ginaba naturalists:

(Halfway into interview)
John Brae: ‘On a property situated west of Gin Ginaba live about 30 adults and ten children of whom nobody knows about. How can this be? Because these people largely keep to themselves. And with their own housing, school and agriculture they have no need to involve themselves with the rest of society. This community is basically self-sufficient.
Janine Greer: You said that there was approximately 10 children living in this group, how are these children affected by the separation from the rest of society, the rest of the world? I am lead to believe some of these children have never been outside of the community.
Brae: Miss Greer (Laughs). Janine, can I call you Janine?
Greer: (rearranges her skirt in her seat) Yes
Brae: This community would be some parents’ haven. A place where there children can grow up away from the terrors of the world. Away from war, destruction the chaos’s of our society.
Greer: But Mr Brae…
Brae: Please Janine call me Brae (smiles).
Greer: (coughs) Don’t you think being a parent is not just about protecting your child, but teaching them right from wrong, teaching them how to cope with the world, how to deal with difficult situations, not hide them away from it?
Brae: (Sitting up in his seat) Yes I do Janine, I do. From my studies and brief discussions with some of the community members I have learnt(learned) that they do teach the children about life outside their community… but it is somewhat painted in a negative light… as not the ideal way to live, and with good reason. How obsessed are we these days about the price of petrol? (Leans back). Concerned about the worlds resources coming to an end? Perhaps we should be looking to the naturalist community here in Gin Ginaba as an example of a sustainable society, well as close as one can get to sustainability. (Standing up) Local examples are good but we must think big now…


Use " not ' for dialogue
‘Ready’ Ken said, holding his can to his lips. Ken asked and use a ?
Heidi could here hear
She turned to head back to camp this was too much. Read this and see if it isn't 2 sentences.
I kind of see where this story is going but it is getting there too slow or maybe the punctuation, grammer, and the story are too choppy to get me into it. I hope what little I did helped but I would read through it aloud to help with finding the right spots for commas and to find the sentence problems.
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