Candrah

I'm working on a supernatural short just now and would love some feedback on it. Not sure if it's working. Thanks in advance

Candrah


Kate Murray flicked the windscreen wipers on her BMW to high speed and glared through the windscreen at the pouring rain. It was only mid afternoon, but the clouds were so heavy, she could barely see the narrow strip of road that snaked ahead of her. She wished she’d never left the city and seriously considered turning back and telling Frank exactly what he could do with his offer.
Her life had been easy enough, until the dreams started. Do the job, get paid, travel the world. But after that last one she began to wonder if she was going crazy. Frank gave her the keys to his dad’s old place and said,
‘Don’t come back till your head’s on straight. You’re no good to us frozen.’
Well that was a joke. But he was the best handler she’d ever had and the only one worth listening to in a world where everyone else was full of shit. So she agreed to come out here to the middle of nowhere. For peace and quiet. Rest and recuperation because she couldn’t do her job anymore. That hurt like hell. She knew she was the best. Twenty five contracts. Twenty four completions. And the last one just kept coming back to haunt her.

Two months prior, she’d been on her way home, bag slung over one shoulder and not a care in the world. One more and I’ll hit quarter of a century, she’d been thinking when the screech of brakes made her turn round. Just in time to see a kid go flying over a car and land in a heap on the road behind it. Kate didn’t stop to think. She threw down her bag and ran for the kid. Looking back, she wished she’d kept on walking. But at the time her instincts were on full alert. They took over and that was that.
‘Oh my God! She just – I didn’t see her – She just ran right out!’ The driver was staring at the kid.
‘Call an ambulance!’ Kate shouted in his face. Galvanised the man into lumbering action.
A mindless mole just like all the rest. She felt like pointing out the fact that the kid had been halfway across a crossing with the green man lit up. But she didn’t say anything. No time for arguments, her instincts told her.
She knelt down beside the kid, a girl of around ten years. Her eyes were open. Huge blue eyes that caught sight of Kate and wouldn’t leave her face. Her body was twisted at a painful angle, limbs sticking out in directions they shouldn’t be able to reach. One side of her body was completely crushed from where the car had hit her. Kate was amazed the girl was even still breathing. She looked like a rag doll that had been tossed away and abandoned by her owner. And her blond hair was turning a nasty shade of crimson as blood spread from the back of her head. Fuck.
‘Hey sweetie, it’s ok.’ Kate put on her softest voice and just hoped the kid believed it. ‘You’ll be just fine. The doctors are coming and they’ll make you all better again.’
The girl stared at her. Must be going into shock. She reached out and took hold of the girl’s right hand and squeezed it.
‘What’s your name baby? Can you tell me your name?’
‘C – ‘
Kate leaned closer trying to hear.
‘Callie.’
‘Callie? That’s a lovely name. You hear those sirens Callie? That means the doctors are coming.’ Kate glanced up at the end of the street. She could hear the ambulance. It would be round the corner in a few seconds. She could let go of this dying kid and walk away. Not her problem.
Callie gripped Kate’s hand so tight she gasped and winced. Then the hand in hers went limp and she looked down. The girl was dead. Her eyes were still open but they weren’t seeing Kate anymore. They weren’t seeing anything anymore. Fuck.
Kate stayed with Callie till the Paramedics forced her to let go the girl’s hand. She stood up and walked back to the pavement. Picked up her bag and stood watching the Paramedics place the body on a stretcher and cover it with a blanket. She didn’t feel like walking away just yet. Felt as though she should stay till the ambulance left. Felt like she should bear witness. Felt exhausted. Fuck.
The driver was standing next to her. He was watching the Paramedics and Kate saw him try to hide his guilt behind righteous concern as the police arrived. Not her problem. Just walk away now, she told herself. But she stayed where she was. The driver turned to her.
‘She ran out of nowhere,’ he said trying to make her believe the lie even if he didn’t.
Kate punched him full in the face and turned and walked away.

She stood in front of a mark while he snored in blissful ignorance. Two months on and she couldn’t get the girl out of her head. Dead Callie. She sighed and turned and walked out of the house.

Something flashed across in front of the car and brought her back to reality with a start. She yelped out loud, slammed on the brakes and swore as she realised she hadn’t a hope in hell of avoiding a skid. The car began to slide sideways on the wet road and she struggled to bring it back under control. It finally came to a stop sitting broadside to the road in a wider part where two cars could pass each other without taking the other’s mirror off or ending up at the bottom of a cliff.
She stared out of the windscreen at a small signpost that stood less than two feet in front of the car. It was topped by a white diamond shaped sign that read Passing Place and beyond the sign the ground fell away down an almost vertical slope. Over a hundred feet before it flattened out onto a brown moor. Huh, nearly passed over myself. She snorted at the irony of the thing and turned to look at the solitary sheep standing not far off on the grass verge. It gazed back at her from unfathomable eyes, then turned and walked off into the murk and disappeared from sight. Creepy things, sheep.

It was dark by the time Frank’s dad’s place appeared at the end of a rough track. It was a typical croft, built long and low with white washed walls, slate roof and deep set windows. She pulled up outside and got out of the car, stood for a while getting a feel for the place. You weren’t joking about the isolation. She remembered Frank’s grin when he described it.
‘You’ll love it. No people for miles.’
He was right. Nothing but sheep cropped grass and glittering black sea. A large yellow moon hung low over the horizon to the south of the house. The rain had stopped and a cold wind sent clouds scudding across the sky and quick shadows racing across the ground. It was quiet. The only sound was the wind through the grass and the distant pounding of waves against the shore. She opened the car door, lifted her bag from the back seat and turned towards the house.
Footsteps sounded on the path and she swung round frowning, ready to confront whoever was sneaking up on her. There was no-one there. But she could hear the footsteps coming closer. Someone or something passed right by her and she felt the air move against her face. She jumped back against the solid metal of the car and scanned the path. Nothing. Weird. Must be the long drive. Making me see things.
She shrugged and carried on to the house. Inside it was pitch black and freezing. She dumped her bag in the hall and felt for a light switch. The flood of bright light from the bulb was a welcome sight. The house was barely furnished and as she walked into a small kitchen, her shoes thudded from wooden boards onto stone flags. She flicked on the fluorescent light and looked round for a kettle. Coffee would be good right about now.
While she waited for the kettle to boil, she wandered round the house. It looked like it had been cleaned recently. No dust on the furniture. Not that there was much furniture to dust. The windows were black squares against the black night outside. Not even any curtains to block it out. She sighed and figured she might as well get used to it. And who the hell’s going to be looking through these windows? Out here in the wilderness.
There was wood and kindling next to the small grate in the living room. She lit a fire, curled up in a nearby chair with a steaming mug of coffee and watched the flames leaping and crackling over the wood.
She must have nodded off because she woke with a start as coffee splashed onto her leg. It was cold. She put the mug on the floor and rubbed her hands over her face. She had dreamt about the girl. Dead Callie. She had chased her along a dark corridor with a stone floor that hurt her feet as she tried to run on it. There was a door at the end and she ran towards it, but running was the last thing she was doing. Like wading through waist deep sludge. When she finally did reach it, the door was locked and she was trapped and try as she might, she couldn’t get her arms or legs to work. She turned round just as Callie jumped on her and clung to her like a monkey, her eyes huge and staring. She screamed and tried to get free, her body jerking as she woke up.
Unnerved and shaky, she stood up, went into the tiny bathroom and stared at her reflection in the mirror. She was shocked by what she saw. Her normally shining straight brown hair hung limp and tangled and there were dark shadows round her hazel eyes.
‘Not so pretty now huh?'
She shuddered, suddenly cold, and turned to leave, nearly jumping out of her skin when she saw the little girl’s face looking at her through the bathroom window. Fuck.
‘What do you want from me?’ Callie just stared at her. ‘Leave me alone,’ she whispered and scrunched her eyes shut. When she opened them again, the face was gone.
She sat huddled in the chair in front of the fire for the rest of the night, afraid to sleep. Afraid of what she might see if she went into one of the other rooms. Things’ll look better in the morning. I’m just tired. Rest. It’s what I’m here for after all. She hugged her knees and watched the small square window as it changed from black to a pale soft grey.

When it was light enough, she went outside and wandered aimlessly round the house, not sure of what to do or where to go. She had come up here to rest but she felt worse now than she had before. It made her mad. At herself, at the world, and she hated that little girl for messing with her head. Should’ve been on twenty six by now. Instead, she was stuck in the middle of nowhere being haunted by a dead girl that she didn’t even kill. Funny, that. The one person I try to save, is the one that haunts me.
There wasn’t much of a sunrise. It was cloudy and a cold wind blew from the north, whistling eerily over the short grass that covered the ground up to the edge of a cliff. There was a sound like distant thunder from down below and she wandered over to the edge, looked down onto a small crescent shaped cove. There was a tiny beach covered in white sand and dotted here and there with large black seaweed covered boulders. Waves pounded the shore in a deep hissing boom and covered everything in spray thrown off their tops by the wind. It was beautiful and completely hidden from the house and the road. The sharp smell of seaweed and salt filled her nostrils and she looked for a way down.


This is as far as I've got with it, though I have got notes worked up for the ending. Will post more if anyone's interested in reading on.


* Passing Place: Road signs mostly found in rural parts of Scotland on narrow single track roads.

Garden of Kadesh

The writing was solid, but I feel you should get rid of the mirror scene, it seemed cliche.

__________________
All that moves is easily heard in the void. We will listen for you.

Candrah

Thanks for the comments Garden of Kadesh. I've just read the mirror scene back and you're right. It doesnt add anything to the story and sounds a bit cheesy. Time to get deleting I think.

Thanks again

Candrah