TevenB

Hey everyone, after finishing my story "Faerie Tale" I decided to write something a bit more gritty. I stopped writing for almost two months because of writers block. I believe I am fine now though.

If you haven't read FT and you want to, feel free to PM me.

I want your opinion on a new story idea and yes "Rellik Laires" (Relic Lie-res) is the actual title. If anyone could find out the hidden meaning under the name, that would be awesome.

Anyway, here it is. Keep in mind, it doesn't get gritty at this point.

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"So...you're really leaving then?"

"Yeah...I am" I said as I sat on my bed and stared off into empty space

"Dude, we have known each other since you have been here" he continued "It is not going to be the same without you."

I broke my stare and faced him "How long have we been here Shaun?"

"About six years" He said simply

"Damn, six whole years, rotting in a cell I didn't deserve" I said as I started to lay down

"Well...six years isn't exactly a long time for murder" he replied while looking towards the ground


"Shaun, what I did wasn't murder!" I shouted as I was now standing up

"Yeah, I know, unlike me you didn't premeditate anything" Shaun continued "I mean, I killed a guy just because we had a disagreement" He said as he started sobbing

"Our crimes are virtually the same, the only thing that seperates them, is circumstances." I responded as I put my hand on his shoulder "You'll be out before you know it"


A guard came and called out my name "Kaleb Allard, you ready to go?" I nodded

"Shaun, I will miss you, you are a good friend" I said as I started to follow the guard

"Kaleb, I have to find you when I get out, we'll see each other again" He yelled, I turned toward him and smiled before I left.


As I made my way out of the prison I spent the last six years of my life in I felt a feeling of overwhelming joy. To be outside without a fence or gate around me was incredible. It was almost as if I was a kid again. I was here waiting for my uncle to pick me up, but as I waited, I looked at everything from the grass to the trees and sky. I felt so free, it was incredible. It seemed to take him almost an hour to come, but it didn't matter, I had plenty of entertainment right here. I wished Shaun could experience this, and I know he will in his own time.

While looking off into the distance I saw a car drive up. It was my Uncle Aaron. I haven't seen him since I was thirteen.

"Wow, Kaleb, is that you?" He shouted as he got out of the car and embraced me with a big hug

"Yeah, how are you doing Uncle Aaron?"

He pulled away from me while both hands were on my shoulders "I should be asking you the same thing!" He continued while looking into my face "You turned into a handsome devil!"

"Thanks Uncle Aaron!"

"Will you stop calling me 'Uncle' all the time!?" He continued "Plain 'Aaron' is fine, your making me feel old."

I laughed "Ok"

"Get in the car, I'll take you home"

As he was driving he got a lot more quiet. And so did I. Somehow I knew what was bugging him. I knew what he was thinking about, and he knew I was the only one with the truth. I am not sure if he would believe me though.

"Kaleb, what happened to Lauren, what happened to your mother?" He asked while taking short glimpses of me while driving

I knew he would ask me that, I just didn't know he would ask so soon.

"I am sure you watched the news Unc...I mean Aaron." I continued while acting as if I wasn't about to say 'Uncle' "The media should have told you all about it" I said in a sarcastic tone

"Well yeah, but I hope you weren't the one" He said as he pulled the car over

"I want to talk Kaleb, I love you, but I want to know if I am letting a murderer into my house" He continued while building up tears "Did you kill my sister?"

"Of course not, Mom didn't stop 'him' from doing anything to me, but no, I wouldn't hurt my mother."

"Are you sure you didn't?" He continued while shaking me "Are you sure you didn't kill Lauren!?"

"Who are you going to believe!?" I started "Me or the media!?"

"Well then who was it!?" He asked in desperation

"Come on Aaron, whats done is done" I continue "Knowing who did it isn't going to change anything, I just got out of prison, can I enjoy myself before we talk about that?"

"Yeah, sure, how selfish of me." He continued while bringing himself to composure "I am sorry Kaleb, anyway, I am sure you are hungry!"

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I will post more if anyone likes it

A-L

Not bad, not bad at all. I think though that you could use a bit more detail and draw a little further on his emotions when leaving the prison. But I do like the pace of things and I would definitely like to read more. Keep posting.

Jade M

A few comments:

Don't use '...' so much.

You need to sort out your punctiation in the dialogue. Im no expert, but I'm pretty sure that this

Should be like this:

Don't get lazy on the punctuation.


This bit confused me, I didn't realise you had to shout when you were standing up :p

You need to go back and read it out to yourself, you should be able to find the simple mistakes like:

This sounded too childlike and fake for a suspected murderer who has just spent the last six years in jail:

Story isn't that bad, just needs refining. When you've done a check and posted back a more edited version, I'll give some more specific comments.

TevenB

Thanks A-L for always conrtibuting to my stories!

And Jade, I am glad you took the time to point out things that should be fixed. I wrote this in a very short amount of time, so it was bound to have some errors.

Lol, and your right, it does sound childish. Thanks for the responses, I will post more when I write more.

Candrah

I think the ideas are good but the dialogue sound a little stiff to me. Just my opinion, but I like to read stories with people speaking the way they do in real life. Try saying the sentences out loud or even getting a handy helper and do it like a script. It will show you what words you need in full and which ones you can abbreviate. Like "Shaun, I will miss you, you are a good friend." This sounds better as "Shaun, I'll miss you, you're a good friend."


Hope this helps

Candrah