Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Fiction
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-02-2008, 11:17 PM   #1
Scribe
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 97
TevenB is on a distinguished road
Smile Rellik Laires (Suspense, Murder)

Hey everyone, after finishing my story "Faerie Tale" I decided to write something a bit more gritty. I stopped writing for almost two months because of writers block. I believe I am fine now though.

If you haven't read FT and you want to, feel free to PM me.

I want your opinion on a new story idea and yes "Rellik Laires" (Relic Lie-res) is the actual title. If anyone could find out the hidden meaning under the name, that would be awesome.

Anyway, here it is. Keep in mind, it doesn't get gritty at this point.

--------

"So...you're really leaving then?"

"Yeah...I am" I said as I sat on my bed and stared off into empty space

"Dude, we have known each other since you have been here" he continued "It is not going to be the same without you."

I broke my stare and faced him "How long have we been here Shaun?"

"About six years" He said simply

"Damn, six whole years, rotting in a cell I didn't deserve" I said as I started to lay down

"Well...six years isn't exactly a long time for murder" he replied while looking towards the ground


"Shaun, what I did wasn't murder!" I shouted as I was now standing up

"Yeah, I know, unlike me you didn't premeditate anything" Shaun continued "I mean, I killed a guy just because we had a disagreement" He said as he started sobbing

"Our crimes are virtually the same, the only thing that seperates them, is circumstances." I responded as I put my hand on his shoulder "You'll be out before you know it"


A guard came and called out my name "Kaleb Allard, you ready to go?" I nodded

"Shaun, I will miss you, you are a good friend" I said as I started to follow the guard

"Kaleb, I have to find you when I get out, we'll see each other again" He yelled, I turned toward him and smiled before I left.


As I made my way out of the prison I spent the last six years of my life in I felt a feeling of overwhelming joy. To be outside without a fence or gate around me was incredible. It was almost as if I was a kid again. I was here waiting for my uncle to pick me up, but as I waited, I looked at everything from the grass to the trees and sky. I felt so free, it was incredible. It seemed to take him almost an hour to come, but it didn't matter, I had plenty of entertainment right here. I wished Shaun could experience this, and I know he will in his own time.

While looking off into the distance I saw a car drive up. It was my Uncle Aaron. I haven't seen him since I was thirteen.

"Wow, Kaleb, is that you?" He shouted as he got out of the car and embraced me with a big hug

"Yeah, how are you doing Uncle Aaron?"

He pulled away from me while both hands were on my shoulders "I should be asking you the same thing!" He continued while looking into my face "You turned into a handsome devil!"

"Thanks Uncle Aaron!"

"Will you stop calling me 'Uncle' all the time!?" He continued "Plain 'Aaron' is fine, your making me feel old."

I laughed "Ok"

"Get in the car, I'll take you home"

As he was driving he got a lot more quiet. And so did I. Somehow I knew what was bugging him. I knew what he was thinking about, and he knew I was the only one with the truth. I am not sure if he would believe me though.

"Kaleb, what happened to Lauren, what happened to your mother?" He asked while taking short glimpses of me while driving

I knew he would ask me that, I just didn't know he would ask so soon.

"I am sure you watched the news Unc...I mean Aaron." I continued while acting as if I wasn't about to say 'Uncle' "The media should have told you all about it" I said in a sarcastic tone

"Well yeah, but I hope you weren't the one" He said as he pulled the car over

"I want to talk Kaleb, I love you, but I want to know if I am letting a murderer into my house" He continued while building up tears "Did you kill my sister?"

"Of course not, Mom didn't stop 'him' from doing anything to me, but no, I wouldn't hurt my mother."

"Are you sure you didn't?" He continued while shaking me "Are you sure you didn't kill Lauren!?"

"Who are you going to believe!?" I started "Me or the media!?"

"Well then who was it!?" He asked in desperation

"Come on Aaron, whats done is done" I continue "Knowing who did it isn't going to change anything, I just got out of prison, can I enjoy myself before we talk about that?"

"Yeah, sure, how selfish of me." He continued while bringing himself to composure "I am sorry Kaleb, anyway, I am sure you are hungry!"

-----

I will post more if anyone likes it

Last edited by TevenB : 05-03-2008 at 03:57 AM. Reason: Adding more story
TevenB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2008, 04:29 PM   #2
A-L
Profound Writer
 
A-L's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,061
A-L is on a distinguished road
Not bad, not bad at all. I think though that you could use a bit more detail and draw a little further on his emotions when leaving the prison. But I do like the pace of things and I would definitely like to read more. Keep posting.
A-L is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2008, 04:50 PM   #3
Scribe
 
Jade M's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: The United Kingdom
Gender: Female
Posts: 98
Jade M is on a distinguished road
A few comments:

Don't use '...' so much.

You need to sort out your punctiation in the dialogue. Im no expert, but I'm pretty sure that this

Quote:
"About six years" He said simply
Should be like this:

Quote:
"About six years," he said simply.
Don't get lazy on the punctuation.


Quote:
"Shaun, what I did wasn't murder!" I shouted as I was now standing up
This bit confused me, I didn't realise you had to shout when you were standing up :p

You need to go back and read it out to yourself, you should be able to find the simple mistakes like:

Quote:
As I made my way out of the prison where I had spent the last six years of my life in, I felt a feeling of (felt a feeling? No - feeling and felt have the same meaning) overwhelming joy
This sounded too childlike and fake for a suspected murderer who has just spent the last six years in jail:

Quote:
"Thanks Uncle Aaron!"
Story isn't that bad, just needs refining. When you've done a check and posted back a more edited version, I'll give some more specific comments.
Jade M is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2008, 12:01 AM   #4
Scribe
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 97
TevenB is on a distinguished road
Thanks A-L for always conrtibuting to my stories!

And Jade, I am glad you took the time to point out things that should be fixed. I wrote this in a very short amount of time, so it was bound to have some errors.

Lol, and your right, it does sound childish. Thanks for the responses, I will post more when I write more.
TevenB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-05-2008, 02:36 PM   #5
Addict
 
Candrah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 181
Candrah is on a distinguished road
I think the ideas are good but the dialogue sound a little stiff to me. Just my opinion, but I like to read stories with people speaking the way they do in real life. Try saying the sentences out loud or even getting a handy helper and do it like a script. It will show you what words you need in full and which ones you can abbreviate. Like "Shaun, I will miss you, you are a good friend." This sounds better as "Shaun, I'll miss you, you're a good friend."


Hope this helps

Candrah
Candrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2008, 01:14 PM   #6
Scribe
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 97
TevenB is on a distinguished road
It didn't seem we were on the road for very long when my uncle pulled into a diner. I must admit, I was starving for some real food for once. Not that "prison food" Shaun and myself have been fed for so long.

"Bart's Burgers huh?" I thought out loud as we got out of the car

"Yeah, Bartholomew's burgers are the absolute best, unlike that crap Burger Queen!" Aaron said as he chuckled

"Heh, I guess, but I never really ate at Burger Queen that much." I commented


As we walked in a person at the counter greeted us. He was a rather well built man, a full goatee, must have been about six foot five, a light skin guy with a bit of a tan.

"Hey Bartholomew, hows it going!?" Aaron yelled as we walked in

"Hey Aaron, wow, I haven't seen you for awhile." he continued "I am doing fine, as well as my business." he starts to look at me with what seems to be a slight suspicion as to who I am, and then back at Aaron. "What brings you all the way out here?"

"Well, I just picked up my nephew, we are going to spend some time together." he said as he lightly pat me on the back

"Oh, so this is your nephew!?" he asked while pointing to me "Its very good to meet you, im Bartholomew, you can just call me Bart though!"

"Hey, its nice to meet you too" I replied in a puzzled manner. I didn't know who this Bart was at all, not a clue. I just got out of prison and im already meeting new people...It's kind of cool.

"What kind of burgers you got on the menu today?" Aaron asked as he grabbed one of the menus off of a nearby rack.

"Oh, just pick whatever you want, you guys will get your orders free today!" Bart said as he started to cook

"Great, than I will have a triple patty cheese burger." Aaron requested "Well, what will you have Kaleb?"

"Oh, sorry, I guess the same thing your having."

As my uncle was talking to Bart I was gazing out the window. I was staring at the cars as they rushed by, observing all of the freedom they all take for granted. My freedom was taken from me for something that wasn't even my fault. The same thing could happen to anybody, no one is exempt. I was just a 23 year old guy who was just released into the world without anything. If it wasn't for my uncle, I don't know what would have happened. Homeless maybe. I wished I could take everything I did back, so I wouldn't have wasted about ten years of my life behind bars. I played back the scenario in my head so many times just for the hell of it. Every time I came to the same conclusion: I had to kill 'him'.

"Come on Kaleb, lets go sit down." Aaron said as he motioned me to one of the tables

"Kaleb, how would you feel about going to school?" Aaron asked

I couldn't believe what he was asking "What, aren't I a bit too old for school?"

"Aren't you nineteen?" he asked while looking intently at me

"What, no, I am twenty three!" I yelled in frustration

"Oh, I see, well what about college?"

"I dont know, going to school so soon." I haven't stepped foot in a school since I was pulled out of class during middle school, and that was when I was getting arrested.

"I will give you plenty of time, no rush, but just think about anything you would like to do and I will find the appropriate college."

I shouldn't resist the idea too much. It would help me to fit in with "society" more, not to mention I owe it to my uncle to do what he asks. He is giving me a place to stay after all.

"Your order is ready" a waitress said as she put our food on the table.

"Great, lets eat!" he said as we both started eating


This burger was so good. The prison I was at fed us the same thing all the time, just to keep us alive. These burgers I swear was giving me this feeling of a euphoric high that I simply cant explain. It was incredible.

"I am so full," I said as I leaned back in the chair

"I guess so, your mouth is like some type of damn black hole!" Aaron said as he chuckled "You ready to go home?"

"Yeah, let's go."

"You have a safe trip home Aaron!" Bart shouted

"Yeah, thanks Bart, well come back to have some more sometime."

Last edited by TevenB : 05-22-2008 at 01:19 PM.
TevenB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2008, 02:03 PM   #7
Addict
 
Candrah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 181
Candrah is on a distinguished road
This is good. The dialogue is much stronger than in your first post. Its realistic and the banter between the characters made me laugh.

A couple of typos and grammatical errors that will pop up during editing. Otherwise, I have nothing bad to say.

Good work - will definitely read more if you post it.

Candrah
__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.
Candrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2008, 02:21 PM   #8
Scribe
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 97
TevenB is on a distinguished road
Lol, thanks, I assume the "Burger Queen" comment was one of the funny ones. I will add more as soon as I can.
TevenB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2008, 03:03 PM   #9
A-L
Profound Writer
 
A-L's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,061
A-L is on a distinguished road
Short but sweet. I agree with Can, the dialogue is realistic and more powerful than your first post and the mystery behind his crime is intriguing. Post more, and I will continue to read it.
A-L is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-2008, 01:16 PM   #10
Addict
 
Candrah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 181
Candrah is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by TevenB View Post
Lol, thanks, I assume the "Burger Queen" comment was one of the funny ones. I will add more as soon as I can.
That and the bit where he's eating the burger. I dont like burgers but you made me want one.

So uh, call me dumb, I cant figure out the title...

Looking forward to seeing more of this.

Candrah
__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.
Candrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2008, 09:59 AM   #11
Scribe
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 97
TevenB is on a distinguished road
Lol thanks, I wasn't even trying to be funny on those parts. So that really surprised me.

About the title, its not a phrase from any language what so ever. Even though it may seem like one, especially if you say it out loud. I will give you a hint: Read it backwards.

I used its temporary title and reversed it to come up with its actual title. Once you figure it out you'll probably say "Oooh!".

You and no one else is stupid for not figuring it out though, its not like its obvious.

I will have more of the story posted today!
TevenB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2008, 12:08 PM   #12
Addict
 
Candrah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 181
Candrah is on a distinguished road
"Oooh!"

Now you point it out, it seems so obvious. Can't believe I didnt see it before.

Candrah
__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.
Candrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2008, 12:15 PM   #13
Scribe
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 97
TevenB is on a distinguished road
This is a longer read than before, a little over twice as much as the last two posts combined. Enjoy!
By the way, there is strong language in this post and the posts to come, this will be the only disclaimer.

-----

As we were traveling down the road I started thinking to myself: How can I go to school when more than likely there will be rumors? I dont want to be the person who is always talked about behind their back. Its not like my crime was a secret, it was all over the news.


"Whatcha thinking about Kaleb?" Aaron asked

"Nothing," I answered while staring out of my window

"I know somethings bugging you, what is it?"

"Nothing Aaron, I'm fine!" I snapped

"What the hell!" Aaron shouted


We saw a news van out near his house. They seemed ready for a story, which would be me. As we made our way closer to the house they started getting out of the van, like circus clowns out of those little cars. The male reporter with microphone clenched in hand. He looked as if he was a great white staring at his next meal.


What the hell are you guys doing here!?" Aaron said as we got out of the car

"We need to ask Mr. Allard some questions" the reporter said

"What do you want?" I asked

"Kaleb, how does it feel to be released from prison!?"

"What's this about, me getting released?" I asked while I started backing off a little

"Is it true that you killed both of your parents?" he continued "Did you kill them in their sleep?"

When they asked that question, Aaron looked intently at me. I guess to see how I would answer.

"No I did not, you shit!" I continued "Will you fucking leave!?"

"Come here Kaleb!" Aaron said as he held the door open

"Thanks!" I said as I quickly made my way inside


We were now inside his house waiting for them to leave, and they did eventually. My uncle was looking out the window as their van drove off. But after they left, he looked me straight in the eye. I didn't know how long this staring contest would go on for.


"Kaleb, I have to know the truth, I know you wouldn't lie to me"

"You want me to tell you what I wouldn't tell them huh?" I asked

"Yes, I have a right to know!"

"Yeah, fine, you're right" I started "I guess it was about ten years ago..."


I was a thirteen year old kid who had a normal life once. Well, as normal as it could get.

My step dad prevented that from happening. My mom was going out with him for maybe a few months before they got married. He was fine at first, but got worse. He never drank alcohol, which I know a lot of abusive dads do. He just did things for the sake of being an ass.


"Hey Bill, look at this!" I yelled as I completed my house of cards

"Oh ain't that cute, hey Kaleb look at this" he said as he knocked it down


I must have been eight at the time. I cried to my mom about it, and she scolded him pretty good. Believe it or not, it never got more civilized than that. I definitely think he favored his real son over me. I had a step brother, his name was Victor. We were rough housing at the time and Victor ended up punching me in the stomach, so I punched him back.


"Aah, shit, you ass!" I said as I punched Victor

"Ow, Dad, Kaleb punched me in the stomach!" He wailed as he tried to catch his breath

"Kaleb, come here!"

I knew it meant trouble when I was asked to go to Billy. But I went anyway, there was no avoiding it. I was expecting the worst.

"Did you punch my kid!?" he asked while looking at me with this piercing stare he has

"Well, yeah, but he punched me first." I answered meekly

"It dont matter" he started as he lit himself a cigarette "You are not supposed to touch Victor!" he yelled as he backhanded me


"I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to touch him." I said while trying to suck in my tears and snot

He took a puff from his cigarette "Well, now you know not to touch him" he said as he knelt down next to me and put out his cigarette on my arm

"Aaaah, please stop, please stop!!" I wailed

"You dont tell your mother about this, or i'll kill you!"


I was ten years old at that time, I was scared to death of Billy. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to avoid him. He slapped my mom once for spanking Victor. I would go to school, and teachers would stop me in the hall or after class and ask if my parents were abusing me. Its funny really how things get twisted. If something was done about it, my mom would get blamed as well. Thats why I never told anyone. It all changed though, when Billy found out that my mother was divorcing him.


"What is this!?" Billy asked as he held up some papers

"Those are divorce papers Billy, I want you and Victor out of my house!"

"Lauren, we are not going anywhere." he said as he grabbed her hair and kissed her almost as if he wanted to eat her head

"No Lauren, you are going somewhere though" he said as he slapped her "You're going to die you bitch!"

"Noo, Billy what are you doing!?!" My mom screamed


I was listening the whole time and ran out to attack Billy when I heard him slap her.

"Billy, you dirty fuck!!" I yelled as I started to punch and kick him

Nothing seemed to hurt him until he keeled over.

"Gah, my nuts, you little brat!" he shouted as he brought himself to composure and punched me in the face

I was knocked out for a bit, obviously not too long though. I heard Billy and my mom in their room as I came to. She was screaming.


"Billy, I am going to cut your fucking head off if you touch my mom!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs as I beat at the door

I ran off into the garage and tried to find something to kill him with. I found an axe. So obviously I went with that, and just in case grabbed a knife from the kitchen. By the time I came back the screaming stopped. I was about to chop down the door until it opened.


"What are you doing boy?" Billy asked as he came out and grabbed the axe that was in my hand


"You bastard, what did you do with my mother!?" I said as I tried to struggle free

"She wont be bugging us anymore, dont worry, you'll join her"

"Aaaah, you fucking bitch!!" I yelled as I kicked him off me and impaled the axe in his stomach

"Ugh, Kaleb, you bastard" he said as he was having difficulty breathing

"Billy, your a sack of shit, you fuck!" I said as I took the knife and stabbed him through the throat


I ran over to my mom to see if she was still alive. She wasn't, her throat had been slit. I sat next to her hugging her corpse while crying. In an instant it seemed my life was over. I looked around and there was blood everywhere, looked like something you would see in a slasher flick. I went to my room, got cleaned up, and went to school. I did that because I tried to see if I could have a normal life after that happened. Obviously no, the police came in, not just one but four officers.


"Does anyone want to tell me where Noah's Ark is supposedly at?" my teacher asked us

I saw a wave of hands go up, I couldn't participate though. It seemed as if I lost my soul, my life was gone. I just stared ahead, void of any emotion what so ever.

"How about you Kyle?" my teacher said as she pointed at him

Kyle Edgerton was my best friend back then. He never came over to my house though, I never let him because of Billy. He might hit him too.

"It is Mt Ararat!" he answered with a smirk on his face

"Very good Kyle!" our teacher said

"Hey Kaleb, whats wrong?" he whispered to me

"Nothing Kyle..."


"Is there a Kaleb Allard here!?" The police asked as the burst into the room

"Uh, uh, yeah, hes sitting over there officers" the teacher said confused

"Alright, put your hands behind your head!" they yelled with their guns drawn

I was still numb of any emotion, I could barely get scared. I just slowly put my hands behind my head. While they rushed over and handcuffed me.

"What did you do Kaleb!?" Kyle yelled out as he ran to me

"Dont come any closer, its for your own safety!" one of the officers said to Kyle


From that point on I was incarcerated, I was tried as an adult and sent straight to prison. After about four years, they transferred me to another prison. The judge charged me with two counts of first degree murder. They charged me with the murder of my mother, and they drew their guns on me because they thought I was going to shoot up the school.


"And thats it Aaron" I said as I started to get up from the couch

"I wish I was there when you annihilated Billy" he said while clinching his fists "I would have done it myself if I would have known,"

"Yeah, well, hes dead" I said simply

"I have one more question,"

"Yeah, what is it?" I asked while walking away into the kitchen

"What happened to Victor?"

"Oh, he was caught too," I continued "I guess he was playing in his room the whole time"

"Really?"

"Yeah, he had the same fate as me, except he was sent to an asylum" I continued while pouring myself something to drink "I guess he was mentally ill, I would have never guessed"

Last edited by TevenB : 05-25-2008 at 12:23 PM.
TevenB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2008, 12:42 PM   #14
Addict
 
Candrah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 181
Candrah is on a distinguished road
I found this section tedious. Sorry.

There's a whole lot you could probably miss out about Kaleb's childhood. If he's telling about the murder, just have that.

A lot of full stops are missing at the ends of your dialogue sentences. And you use too many he said, I said's. Could probably get rid of most of them as they get in the way of the story. For instance you have '"Yeah, well, hes dead" I said simply'. This would pack more of a punch if it read "Yeah, well, he's dead."

Keep posting. I'll keep reading cause I'm curious about the title and where it fits in.

Candrah
__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.
Candrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2008, 12:49 PM   #15
Scribe
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 97
TevenB is on a distinguished road
Lol I agree totally. There were some parts when re-reading it that didn't sit well. I will change some things.
TevenB is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:16 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers