Rellik Laires (Suspense, Murder) - Page 3 - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Candrah · 06-25-2008, 11:18 AM

Right, I'm going to be brutally honest TevenB. I've read this and Horrorfest and I have to say, I can't get past the lack of writing ability. Sorry. Don't take this the wrong way but, have you had any formal training in grammar, sentence structure, punctuation etc?

I know you have good ideas but you need to learn the basics. If the answer to any of the above is no, I'd advise getting hold of a book that teaches writing techniques or, if you're still at school, hunt down some nice, approachable teacher and ask (demand) their help. Sounds a bit off but without writing skills, it dont matter how good your ideas are, no-one will read them because its too hard and the truth can hurt like hell.

The truth being: Your writing is sloppy, your grammar is terrible and your dialogue sounds childish.

HippoHead · 06-25-2008, 03:41 PM

I second that. Sorry.
Also, is rellik laires an anagram?

Candrah · 06-26-2008, 03:14 PM

Hey Hippohead!

I spotted your name on the active users list...

Rellik Laires is Serial Killer backwards.

BTW TevenB, I didnt mean to be mean or for you to stop writing or posting on here - just that you need some training. With decent writing skills at your back and your good ideas, you'll be flying

HippoHead · 06-26-2008, 07:17 PM

ello candrah. How do you do *eerie grin*

and I do not believe I didn't spot that backwards thing (what's english terminology for that? - i must know it!) after spending time (less than 10 seconds) scrutinizing the words for some kinda sensical translation.

Candrah · 06-27-2008, 03:59 PM

Yeah, I only clicked once TevenB pointed it out. And I looked at it and looked at it for ages... I think its called an anagram? Sam posted about it on a previous page.

As for

... The first is top colon followed by lower dash followed by right bracket. The second, you just do a semi colon and you get the wink. Check out the smiley faces window - it tells you how to do them using the keyboard.

HippoHead · 06-29-2008, 08:30 AM

oh, i know my smilies, but there doesn't seem to be a creepy smile one, hence the 'eerie grin*.

skywalker21 · 06-29-2008, 10:20 AM

You have too much dialoge in your story. Show things about your characters without using dialoge. Decribe what your characters look like and their behavior. It is good but I grow bored with so much dialoge. If you need help with writing more show then I will be willing to help. I am here for that.

Candrah · 06-30-2008, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HippoHead

oh, i know my smilies, but there doesn't seem to be a creepy smile one, hence the 'eerie grin*.

Sorry bout that... Mind you, I did wonder since I've seen you use them before. Is *eerie grin* the one with all the teeth?

This one is how I feel right now - been a looooong day and not enough coffee.....

HippoHead · 06-30-2008, 05:42 PM

Eerie grin is any smile that makes ya go o.O

I used to love coffee. It tastes kinda lame and I got bored of it quickly. But I was once almost an addict, with 4 cups of it a day. Ain't had one in months =o

TevenB · 07-04-2008, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skywalker21

You have too much dialoge in your story. Show things about your characters without using dialoge. Decribe what your characters look like and their behavior. It is good but I grow bored with so much dialoge. If you need help with writing more show then I will be willing to help. I am here for that.

Thanks Skywalker21,

And Candrah, I know you didn't post that to be mean. Although, I was tempted to just give up altogether. I am not going to though. My writing having too much dialog is most likely because I used to write my stories in script form. Curse of the script I suppose lol.

SilverWillow · 07-05-2008, 05:09 AM

First off, I would like to say that I think that you have some really good ideas. I especially liked how you used an anagram for the title, pretty clever. I'm sure we'll see why you chose that particular title later on in the story, but it's fun to speculate what will happen.

I also liked the idea of putting the dreams in. Dreams can be very powerful and even foreshadowing, if the author choses to use them as such. I always find that interesting, the subconscious always picks up more than we realize.

Now on to the not so pleasant part. Here are a few things I noticed that should be looked at:

1. If he was incarcerated at the age of 13 and just getting out of prison at 23 he will not be able to get accepted into a college (even if you don't plan on having him stay). He'll need to get a GED (if he's in the US) or something equivalent. He could attend a college as a community member or non-matriculated student and take a course or two that could eventually be used toward getting a degree after he’s acquires the GED. I know that you're not planning on him staying, but that's just how the system works. This may actually be a nice way to sort of ease him back into society. He is obviously anxious about how other people will react to him so the idea of being a full-time student would probably be pretty intense. Only taking a few courses would probably be less stressful.

2. At one point he says he doesn’t know what he wants to study, and then in the next sentence, he says he’s going to take a computer hardware course. Does he know or not? Where did he learn about computers to make him think it’d be easy?

3. You really can't just walk into a college and see someone in admissions like that, you need an appointment. Also, while the girl’s reaction to Kaleb was funny I highly doubt it would be THAT over the top. Work study students generally need those jobs to help pay for books and whatnot (trust me) so she wouldn’t be that aggressive with showing her disdain. A better way to show this interaction would be to include more body language. Maybe she could be popping gum, or tapping her fingernails. This way she can still show her irritation without getting fired. It also adds depth and a more realistic feel.

4. I'm not sure his uncle would force him to go out on his own the day after being released. He did spend 10 years in prison after all! It would be a huge change, especially since he was put in at such a young age. Most inmates have difficulty readjusting to the outside world and often find themselves back in prison. Also, Kaleb should show more apprehension, it’s only normal.

5. I don’t know if a 13 year old CAN be charged as an adult, they may be able to, but I would check. This also may vary by State (if he’s in the US). Also, even if he was charged as an adult it’s very unlikely they would send him to an adult penitentiary, it just wouldn’t make sense for obvious reasons. This may happen, but it’s highly unlikely. Something else you should check into. This would also mean that the 6 years with Shaun at the same place wouldn’t work.

6. Everything just seems to be too... EASY. I mean, it seems as if everything is handed to him when he’s released, which of course very rarely happens in real life. There should be more obstacles thrown in his way. Maybe people won’t want to hire him because of his imprisonment. You made it clear that his trial was NOT a secret. Touches like this will make things more realistic and interesting.

7. Do some thorough research. I’ve already pointed out a few things that you should look up and confirm. Just because it’s fiction does not mean you don’t have to do some legwork.

People will notice.

You said that you don't know exactly where you're going with everything yet, and it sort of shows. Take the time to develop and nurture your story. Add more detail, make your characters and settings come alive. Don’t just think about the characters, become the characters, get inside their heads and speak with their voices. Also, become the reader, ask yourself what you would think if this were someone else’s story, what would you suggest they do?

I hope that my suggestions help and make sense (it’s 7 a.m. and I haven’t slept yet) or that they didn't sound too harsh. I'm glad you've decided not to give up, writing is just like everything else, you need to PRACTICE. So don't get discouraged, you'll get even better in time, and I'm sure your "Rellik Laires" will be wonderful once you have everything hammered out.

Good luck!

TevenB · 07-05-2008, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverWillow

First off, I would like to say that I think that you have some really good ideas. I especially liked how you used an anagram for the title, pretty clever. I'm sure we'll see why you chose that particular title later on in the story, but it's fun to speculate what will happen.

I also liked the idea of putting the dreams in. Dreams can be very powerful and even foreshadowing, if the author choses to use them as such. I always find that interesting, the subconscious always picks up more than we realize.

Now on to the not so pleasant part. Here are a few things I noticed that should be looked at:

1. If he was incarcerated at the age of 13 and just getting out of prison at 23 he will not be able to get accepted into a college (even if you don't plan on having him stay). He'll need to get a GED (if he's in the US) or something equivalent. He could attend a college as a community member or non-matriculated student and take a course or two that could eventually be used toward getting a degree after he’s acquires the GED. I know that you're not planning on him staying, but that's just how the system works. This may actually be a nice way to sort of ease him back into society. He is obviously anxious about how other people will react to him so the idea of being a full-time student would probably be pretty intense. Only taking a few courses would probably be less stressful.

2. At one point he says he doesn’t know what he wants to study, and then in the next sentence, he says he’s going to take a computer hardware course. Does he know or not? Where did he learn about computers to make him think it’d be easy?

3. You really can't just walk into a college and see someone in admissions like that, you need an appointment. Also, while the girl’s reaction to Kaleb was funny I highly doubt it would be THAT over the top. Work study students generally need those jobs to help pay for books and whatnot (trust me) so she wouldn’t be that aggressive with showing her disdain. A better way to show this interaction would be to include more body language. Maybe she could be popping gum, or tapping her fingernails. This way she can still show her irritation without getting fired. It also adds depth and a more realistic feel.

4. I'm not sure his uncle would force him to go out on his own the day after being released. He did spend 10 years in prison after all! It would be a huge change, especially since he was put in at such a young age. Most inmates have difficulty readjusting to the outside world and often find themselves back in prison. Also, Kaleb should show more apprehension, it’s only normal.

5. I don’t know if a 13 year old CAN be charged as an adult, they may be able to, but I would check. This also may vary by State (if he’s in the US). Also, even if he was charged as an adult it’s very unlikely they would send him to an adult penitentiary, it just wouldn’t make sense for obvious reasons. This may happen, but it’s highly unlikely. Something else you should check into. This would also mean that the 6 years with Shaun at the same place wouldn’t work.

6. Everything just seems to be too... EASY. I mean, it seems as if everything is handed to him when he’s released, which of course very rarely happens in real life. There should be more obstacles thrown in his way. Maybe people won’t want to hire him because of his imprisonment. You made it clear that his trial was NOT a secret. Touches like this will make things more realistic and interesting.

7. Do some thorough research. I’ve already pointed out a few things that you should look up and confirm. Just because it’s fiction does not mean you don’t have to do some legwork.

People will notice.

You said that you don't know exactly where you're going with everything yet, and it sort of shows. Take the time to develop and nurture your story. Add more detail, make your characters and settings come alive. Don’t just think about the characters, become the characters, get inside their heads and speak with their voices. Also, become the reader, ask yourself what you would think if this were someone else’s story, what would you suggest they do?

I hope that my suggestions help and make sense (it’s 7 a.m. and I haven’t slept yet) or that they didn't sound too harsh. I'm glad you've decided not to give up, writing is just like everything else, you need to PRACTICE. So don't get discouraged, you'll get even better in time, and I'm sure your "Rellik Laires" will be wonderful once you have everything hammered out.

Good luck!

Wow, thats a huge mouthful, thank you very much SilverWillow.

I did think about the fact that him going to college was a bit weird. To tell you the truth, I didn't know where to go to find information about former inmates going to a college, so I just put it in lol.

What you said wasn't too harsh at all, I had one user directly insult me many times for another story I wrote. I like every word you said, anything to help me make my stories better. I will definitely consider everything here and put them into practice, thanks again SilverWillow!

Wintermute · 07-06-2008, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skywalker21

You have too much dialoge in your story. Show things about your characters without using dialoge. Decribe what your characters look like and their behavior. It is good but I grow bored with so much dialoge. If you need help with writing more show then I will be willing to help. I am here for that.

Wow. You're an idiot.

Candrah · 07-06-2008, 01:34 PM

Glad you werent insulted by my comments tevenb

What you said about most of your stuff being written in script form? - I think this is definitely the root of the problem. All dialogue and no narrative, imagery or even a bit of telling

, makes for a very dull story. From now on, I suggest you try writing everything with no dialogue and see what happens... I wont say anymore since SilverWillow already said it all. Just - good luck with your writing and keep at it. You'll get there.

EternalMyst · 07-07-2008, 11:47 PM

I read chapter one. I agree that the standing up and shouting part was a bit awkward. The uncle arriving an hour late was a good detail (poor guy...he must have had a mental war all the way to the prison). The silence in the car was good.
Everything was good...but when he starts replying to the Uncle's questions with "the media" ... I get the touch of sarcasm, which is fine because the poor boy just spent six years in prison for what I assume something he didn't do and he is more than likely a bit upset at the world but for the poor uncle's sake I think maybe a less harsh reply. Nevermind, come to think of it the uncle asked a harsh question.
Good first chapter can't wait to read the rest.