Candrah

Keep the bit about the circus clowns though - I liked that a lot

Seems most of the issues with your story are technical because - I'm sure I said this before but what the hell - the ideas are sound.

Keep at it.

Candrah

__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.

A-L

Very interesting, but I must agree with Candrah, the idea is sound but there are a few technical issues. I like it so far though.

TevenB

Sorry about the long wait, I am going to try to be quicker with my posts. I hope you all like this one!

----

"I am sorry I forced you to tell me Kaleb, It must have been hard for you to relive those moments,"

"Naw, its alright Aaron, you were right," I continued while putting my glass down "You did need to know, I should feel like a jerk for not wanting to tell you."

"Anyway, we should probably get to bed," Aaron suggested as he started walking to his room

"Where's my room then Aaron?"

"Oh, its just right around the corner of the hall, to your left."


I started getting ready for bed then. After I took off my clothes and put on my boxers and t-shirt I got in the bed and enjoyed the silence while I started thinking to myself. "Why do I feel bad for killing Billy?" I thought. He deserved the fate I gave him, but what right do I have to end someone else's life? "He killed my mom, he totally deserved it", but if he did why do I feel bad? I continued thinking on these things until I fell asleep.


Here I was in this dark room. Actually, I couldn't really tell if it was a room. It was so dark I didn't see any walls or anything. All of a sudden, the room transitioned into white. I stood looking around for a way out.

"Whats going on?"

People started appearing out of no where, like ghosts. A huge group of people. It must have been more than one hundred people standing in one spot. They all looked as if they had no soul, they didn't move, they didn't blink, they didn't even seem to breath. That is until all of them inhaled deeply, only to exhale very loudly in unison. They kept doing that constantly. I saw one of them in the crowd move. He slowly walked out of the huge crowd and stepped out in front.

"Who are you!?" I yelled

The figure looked very menacing. His hair was a little long, almost shoulder length. He had a very slender build, maybe about 6'5" tall. The one thing that really made him creepy was the eyes, he had none. And the skin around the sockets looked terribly wrinkled as if the sockets were slowly sucking his skin into his head. He reached around himself to pull out a very sharp, pretty long knife. It was coated in blood. He pointed his knife at me, then proceeded to slit his own throat. Even though his head was nearly decapitated now, he started coming after me. While he was walking towards, the rest of the group continued inhaling and exhaling repeatedly. The closer he came, the faster they breathed, and the harder they exhaled. To the point where their noses were bleeding profusely. I tried to run, but I couldn't. Right when he was about to kill me...


"Damn, not that dream again."

I have been having that dream for a few weeks now. I have no idea why I keep having them. I looked towards the clock and saw it was two in the morning. I decided to get up and go to the balcony a bit. Aaron lived in a two-story house, not bad at all. And it had a beautiful view, he lived on the beach. So while going out to the balcony with nothing but boxers and a t-shirt I could feel the wind in full force. It felt so good. I started watching the waves go back and forth on the shore.

"What a place,"

I saw out on the beach a family camping together. They looked like they were telling stories and scaring each other. I noticed I was smiling while watching this. I do like to watch families having fun, something I never really experienced. I walked back into the house to go back to sleep.



"Get up Kaleb, you have to check out a school!" he then started beating me with a pillow "Hurry and get out of the boxers and put on some clothes!"

"Fine, fine, I'm up!"


I went to the bathroom and checked out my hair. Very messy. It was hair of average length for a guy, jet black in color. After gazing in the mirror for awhile I fixed my messy hair and got dressed.


"I'm leaving now Aaron!" I shouted, I started my way to the door

"See ya Kaleb, be careful!"


As I walked outside I could feel the cool breeze from the ocean. You could never get tired of that feeling. The wind going through my hair felt great. After walking for awhile I eventually made it to "J.R. Technical". I haven't yet decided what to take though. I decided I would take the computer hardware course. How hard could that be, I know a lot about them already. I walked over to a person over in the office and stood there until she was done with the phone.


"Yeah, yeah, I love you too baby" She continues after glancing up at me "Baby, I have to go, theres an annoying boy here staring at me."

"Boy? I need to see someone for a class I need to take!"

"No, you ain't got to kick his ass baby, Bye, I love you,"

"Finally, now can I please see someone!?"

"Fine!" She said as she walked off. She is obviously a student, no one professional would do that. I stood there burying my face into my hands, when I looked up someone else was sitting in her chair. It was the slender, eyeless being from my dream. After it locked its stare on me, it started shaking its head violently.


"Shit, what do you want!?" I shouted as I fell to the ground in terror

"I WANT you to get up so we can go into my office." He continued while holding out his hand "You okay?"


"Uh, yeah, I think so." I said as I was looking in the direction the being was at. It was gone.


"Okay, I am Raymond Unger, you wanted to take classes?"

"...Yeah, yeah, I do."


After talking with him for a few minutes he told me I had to take a test to be accepted. I took the test and have to wait until I get confirmation that I passed.

"Now, you can eat lunch here, but you wont have any classes until we give you a date."

"Yeah, ok."

"You can go now,"

I made my way into the cafeteria to get some food. But as soon as I went in people started staring at me. It was odd, it was almost as if I came with a baby sticking out of my stomach. Thats how intense the stairs were.


"Is that him?" I heard someone whisper as I was waiting in line

"Yeah, he is the guy who killed his parents." Another one said


"I'm not taking this," I said as I turned around to leave the line when I bumped into someone. He happened to be carrying money which he dropped.

"Look what you did, you turd!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." I said as I started to pick them up.

"Yeah, you WILL be sorry!" he said, pushing me

I fell pretty hard and dropped all of the money I picked up for him. Everyone started backing off, I am not sure who it is they were afraid of, me or this guy. He was overweight, and a bit shorter than me, not by much though.

"Pick my money up, bitch." he said as he pointed to the ground. You know, I thought this stuff ended in high school, but I guess some people just dont grow up, and they also dont care what happens to them in college.

"What's your problem!?" I said, getting off the floor

"You are my problem, unless you pick up my money."

"No, you can bend over and pick it up yourself now, you need the exercise anyway." I heard a few people giggle at the comment

"He's going to rip out your spleen if you keep this up Rob," A guy somewhere behind me said

"He's not going to do anything!" he said as he pulled his fist back to hit me. I ended up punching him in the gut before he was able to. He was bent over gasping for air.

"There, now YOU can pick up your money." I said, walking away


I couldn't believe this guy made such a big deal over that. He starts bitching about me bumping into him and dropping his money. Even when I was in the process of picking it up, pure stupidity. This guy had to have been over eighteen years. I started walking out of the school when someone started approaching me.


"Hey, hey guy, wait up!" he said running up to me

"What, what the hell do you want!?" I said, I continued to walk trying to give him the hint I didn't want to talk

"That was awesome what you did back there!"

"Really, your not scared of me?" I asked, I stopped and faced him

"No, why would I be, they are just rumors."

I couldn't help but smile to that "Yeah, stupid rumors."

"Oh, the name's Ethan!" he said, holding out his hand

"...Kaleb," Since I didn't reach out my hand to shake his he responded by hitting me in the arm.

"Whoa, no wonder you made him keel over and give him an asthma attack!" Ethan said, examining my arms "They are hard as rocks!"

"I gave him an asthma attack!?" I panicked

He laughed "No, I just said that because he had a series of coughs after you left."

"You lift weights?"

"Body weight exercises, I have never touched a weight."

"Wow, anyway, I will catch you later Kaleb!" he said, jogging off


I wonder why this guy was so fascinated with me. He seemed like a nice enough guy, so I wasn't too bothered by it. I was more bothered by the fact I saw that being from my dream right in front of me without being asleep. That still at this point shakes me at my very core. Either I am going crazy, or something is happening. I have no idea what it could be.

TevenB

Tell me what you guys think of the newest post, and if you want give me ideas of new events that could take place.

Jade M

Alright, I've just read through again and I have a few general suggestions.

I notice that for your descriptions of characters actions, you use 'as' a lot. Such as:

Quote:

I am so full," I said as I leaned back in the chair

Quote:

I said as I quickly made my way inside

Quote:

Aaron said as he held the door open

Quote:

I guess so, your mouth is like some type of damn black hole!" Aaron said as he chuckled "You ready to go home?"

Quote:

Well, I just picked up my nephew, we are going to spend some time together," he said as he lightly pat me on the back

There are quite a lot of other examples too. This gets a repetitious, but is easily fixed. Try commas instead of 'as' and then changing a few words, for example:

Quote:

he said, lightly patting me on the back

Quote:

Aaron said, holding the door open

You also have a habit of exaggerating tension or situations, which usually has the opposite effect.
Like in the scene where he is fighting his stepdad, all of the swearing makes it more comical, like calling him a 'bitch' or whatever.

Quote:

Aaaah, (Get rid of 'Aaaah' - have him scream or something.) you fucking bitch!!," I yelled as I kicked him off me and impaled the axe in his stomach

Don't have him swearing so much as it made the scene less believeable. That is potentially a very important scene for your book and your readers shouldn't be smiling through it.

There are also a few tense issues which had me confused.

Quote:

he continued "I am doing fine, as well as my business." he starts to look at me with what seems to be a slight suspicion as to who I am, and then back at Aaron. "What brings you all the way out here?"

I'd suggest changing 'starts' to 'started'. Decide on a tense and stick to it.
And also:

Quote:

I just got out of prison and im (I was) already meeting new people

I hope my comments are useful. Also from your comment, I get the idea you are just making the story up as you go along. This is alright, but you should at least have a rough idea where the story is going :p

The dialogue has in general improved.

TevenB

Thanks a lot Jade M. I wasn't sure what to replace the "as" parts with. I found them to be repetitious myself. I do kind of make up the story, and I dont. I make up parts like him going to school, but key parts like the scary thing from his dream are somewhat planned ahead. I appreciate your comments and will adopt the methods you suggested.

TevenB

Just to let my readers know, Kaleb is NOT staying in school. He is barely going to even get to go. I thought about it for awhile and thought it was lame. I will try to figure something else out.

Candrah

The dream is creepy and I think you should make more of it's effect on Kaleb. Instead of having him say "Damn, not that dream again.", which sounds a bit lame, maybe have him wake up in a cold sweat or something. After a dream like that, I'd be sweating for sure. This is probably the strongest part of the story.

Also, I'm not so sure I like the idea that you don't know where your story is going... At the very least, don't admit this to your readers - it might make them nervous

Candrah

__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.

TevenB

Thanks Candrah. I admit that asking for advice from my readers on where the story should go is lame, this isn't "You choose the scare" (Goosebumps). Its my story. But I do know where the story is going, just some parts getting there I have trouble with if I have a touch of writers block (Which I have now). Thanks for your concern though, and rest assured. The story is in good hands.

Candrah

I'm glad to hear it.

I know what you mean about writers block. Sometimes leaving the story alone for a while helps.

__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.

TevenB

Hey guys, I am going to have to resurrect this thread. Lol I hope you think its been dead for long enough. I am very sorry for the long wait in updates, I decided to take a break from writing at the suggestion of Candrah. Anyway, I posted also another story here, its new. It is called "Horror Fest" so if you could give me an opinion on that as well, that would be great. Oh and a special note for A-L, I have already started thinking of Faerie Tale 2, so I hope you still want to read it.



"Hey Aaron!" I said, taking off my backpack as I collapsed onto the couch.

"Huh, Kaleb, why aren't you in school?" he said as he stopped cutting.

"Aaron, why are you cutting vegetables?"

He laughed "Oh, I thought I would make dinner a bit earlier than I usually do"

"Its freaking 2:00 in the afternoon!" I said, motioning my hand towards the clock with a "what the fuck" expression.

"You are not answering my question!"

"I am not going to that school, or any school for that matter!" I said as I laid down on the couch.

"What, Why!?"

"The school is stupid, I am not wasting my time, what am I going to do there anyway!?"

"You would graduate and make something out of yourself!!" he said as he stood in front of me.

"I dont need college to make something out of myself, no one does!"

"Yes you do!" he said in a bellowing tone.

"No, I, dont" I said as I stood up in front of him.


My uncle was trying to shove school down my throat as if it meant life or death. I get tired of people telling you that you need college to succeed in life, I am getting tired of people telling you that you need some kind of degree to do what you want to do. Some people dont understand that school isnt for everyone, nor can everyone afford it.


"What will you do with your life then Kaleb!?" he said, pacing back and forth in the room.

"I'll just...get a job"

"Oh, that is a pretty good idea!" he said as his face went from frustration to joy.

"Whoa, what Aaron?" I said, taken back from his attitude change.

"You can work for Bart!" he said as he ran to the phone.

"You seem way too happy for this" I said, slowly sitting back down on the couch while I turned on the Tv.


Immediately when I turned it on, I heard what sounded like the news: "It has been reported that there has been an escapee from Murtsahg Mental Asylum, the escapee is believed to be unarmed, but very dangerous. We suggest you not to be outside at night."


"Wow," I said to myself, turning off the Tv.

"Hey, Kaleb, I have some great news!" he said, walking back into the living room

"Aaron, have you heard of Murstahg?"

"Uh, yeah, the place for the kooks?" I nodded

"Where is it at, do you know?"

"Yeah, it shouldn't be anymore than ten miles from here"

"Why the hell do you want to know that anyway?" he continued while having a disgusted look "You dont want to work there do you?"

"No, of course not"

"Well anyway, Bart said he has a position open for a dish washer, isn't that great!?"

"Yeah, when do I start?"

"He would like you to start working tomorrow"


So, I was finally getting a job. I was actually excited for it, I dont know why really. I guess because I am just washing dishes, how hard could it be?

I started thinking about Murtsahg, I wonder who escaped. The place sounded so familiar.

"Shit, Victor!" I yelled

"What, whats wrong!?" Aaron yelled

"Oh, nothing Aaron."


Murtsahg was the place Victor was sent to. Out of several hundreds of people there, Its doubtful he is the one who escaped. There is still a possibility though. I couldn't tell Aaron, I dont know why, but I felt like I had to keep it from him.

After we ate dinner, I went to my room to take a nap. I was pretty tired of the long weird day.


"Aah...where am I?" I said as I started looking around. Another dark room.

The room went from the deepest black to the brightest white in an instant. And here again is the huge group of people. This dream was different from the last. The people that appeared had already started inhaling and exhaling deeply. The being from before came out from amongst them. As time went on though and this being walked out of the group, the group started following him. Heavy step, after heavy step. They then started to time their breathing with each of their steps. As they lifted their leg, they inhaled. As they stomped, they exhaled. The being came close to me, took out his long knife. I wanted to run, but for some strange reason, I couldn't. Now he was right in front of me. He had a huge smile on his face, ear to ear, and he seemed to examine me, maybe my expression. His smile turned into a frown equally as big. He immediately stabbed me in the heart. I felt a very sharp and debilitating pain. I collapsed to the ground. I felt like I was about to die, the pain was too much to bear. As I was sitting down holding the knife that was impaled in my chest, he came directly into my face. He whispered: "Rellik Laires" in a deep growling tone of voice. With that, he yanked the knife out of me.


"Fuck!" I yelled as I stood up in bed in a sweat, I checked my body, no wounds.

"Why is this happening to me!?"

I got out of bed and decided to go out to the balcony again. Going outside after a nightmare is perfect for me to free my mind and get back to reality. I stood out watching the horizon for the smallest hint of a sunrise, there was none. To feel the wind on my sweaty body felt really good, good way to dry it off. I could never forget what that thing said to me though.

"Hmm, rellik laires, what could that mean?" I pondered to myself

"I always thought that interpreting dreams was stupid, but that was really peculiar."

"Oh well, it was just a dream, I have to go back to sleep."

Sam Winchester

Your hidden meaning? Rellik Laires, or Serial Killer.

__________________

Don't unlock doors you're not prepared to go through.

TevenB

Lol, Serial Killer is the title. Rellik Laires is Serial Killer backwards.

Sam Winchester

If you don't mind, what made you think of doing that?

__________________

Don't unlock doors you're not prepared to go through.

TevenB

Serial Killer was the working title for the story since I couldn't find a name for such a long time. I remember that Redrum backwards spells Murder, so I applied the same here. Rest assured, the title has alot to do with the story.