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| Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc. |
04-29-2008, 05:15 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Caldercruix, Scotland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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The Old One Watches.
The Old One Watches
Introduction
This story is nowhere near complete.
Anyway, enough of the boring stuff. Get on with the reading if you like. Have a good one!
Prologue
Everything is working according to my plan..
My wrath knows no boundaries, but the boundaries know my wrath- all too well. I will break loose soon, and every race shall be manipulated into slaves.
Zamorak the pretender.. he will soon be obliterated, and each of his followers with him. Yes, everything is working according to my plan..
Foul, wretched humans. Short, dotted dwarfs. Proud, though feeble elves. Gnomes.. Hahahaha.
I cannot help but notice one human though. You. I observe your every move, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. You are a pitiful excuse for a possible threat, but a threat still you are. Oh and that, Wise Old Man. Wise, yes... He knows me. He's one of the few left who recognize my name. You'll both become minions, under my name. Useless you will be, although humorous to me. Humorous to watch such established hero-like figures beg for death, mercy, and curse my very name.
Foolish though humans are, I must be lenient with them.. they are after all, setting me free; digging up my temples, altars and relics. They are granting me breath, in some form of thinking.
And you, adventurer. You have been most helpful. You've given the humans even more reason to dig passionately, in hopes of finding something of great worth. Not to mention freeing my priest from that weak Zamorak's temple.. Finally, I have one who can carry out my bidding, and will do so without hesitation.
I will come for you, first of all. Keep a keen eye, adventurer. Hero of the people. Quester of the lands.
I will come for you. And wreak havoc upon this land. I shall rule, once more.
Foresight
"Indulge your thirst for blood. Embrace the craving for murder." A tall, red, smoke devil grasped my neck, and glared into my begging eyes unmercifully. It didn't flinch, It didn't twitch, It didn't live. I prayed and prayed, but this only seemed to create a stronger connection with It.
"Pray.. Yes.. Beg for life, my child. Let the anger flow through your veins and I will set you free, forever."
Still, I prayed. Still, I hoped. Still, I wondered. Wondered how such a being could come to existence. Wondered why it was in my home. Wondered why it was with me; I was but a young man, venturing the lands of Misthalin. I had nothing, no-one; no enemies, no friends, no family, no allies- I had nothing, no-one.
"You fight so eagerly with hope as your shield; defending you from reality, and with imagination as your weapon; striking me down in your mind, escaping this nightmare. If you will not allow anger to be one with you, then I.. I SHALL CORRUPT YOU WITH CHAOS AND ANGER MYSELF!" In saying this, It lifted back what seemed to be It's arm, and in it a weapon that could only have been suitable for the devil himself. With what could only have been described as a 'thrust', It pushed the sword towards me carelessly.
At this very moment, I woke. My nightmare was finished, yet it seemed so... real. More real than the word 'real' could ever mean to you. Beyond reality, if you will.
This nightmare- it had became apparent- had cost me several moons. I'd noticed that as I caught the very moon itself in the corner of my eye, out of my window, with beautiful rays of white light emanating from it, shining through and revealing clouds, invisible without the moon's being.
"Strange," I battled with logic in my mind.
Realization had fallen upon me; I wasn't sweating, which is usually a key component in a nightmare; I didn't wake up screaming and shifting, which is only natural..
Strange indeed.
Perhaps it wasn't a nightmare, but foresight..
I had barely managed to rotate my head fully to get a definite view of the moon, and its beautiful surroundings. I hadn't thought much of the nightmare; I was dazzled by the exceptional sight of the moon, and the perfect breeze that gently wrapped around my face and legs, making me shiver.
I love nights like this, I reminded myself.
Suddenly, the strangest of occurrences took place, directly in front of my window; a man seemed to be digging into the soil in the patch of grass mirroring my garden, casting it aside angrily, then kicking the spade he dug with to remove any excess compost that remained clinging to it.
I couldn't decipher who he was; it was dark and he was quite far away. With eventuality my eyes adjusted fully to the lighting of the world, and my sight improved, allowing me to see who he was. I just had to wait for him to turn around and show his facial appearance...
Although this may sound a little odd to you, I had mastered the skill of jumping out of my bed and immediately readying myself in my own unique fighting stance. I had practiced doing it every night and morning, for.. well, for as long as I can remember..
Becoming restless and curious, I carried out 'the leap of destiny' (The name of the aforementioned various movements) and rushed towards the window with haste.
I ran my hands softly against the wooden windowsill, appreciating my caring mood and the texture of the wood. I crouched a little, revealing only the top half of my head and the tips of my fingers to whoever would be looking in and through my window.
Finally! His face had turned towards me! "I know him," I thought to myself, sighing in disappointment.
It was the 'mad-man' who roamed around; muttering words only he could comprehend; warning people of a violent hallucination that seemed so real to you, that if seen, would invoke such chaos in you that death was inevitably the 'only way out'.
I feared he was performing a ritual of sorts, so I took my sword up.
My sword wasn't long, nor was it short. It was smithed with the finest elemental ore, and crafted into what it became.
Due to the ore's colour, the sword itself glowed a neon purple, and sometimes, if you concentrated enough, you could see small sprinkles of magical dust slipping off of the sword and into the wind's hands.
I loved my sword. It made me appear unique. Mentioning not the source from which my sword was created to anyone, my lips proved secure and trustworthy.
Rushing silently through my garden, hearing the periodical grunts of the mad-man, the gravel-crunching noise which surrounded him when he slammed the spade into the ground, and my light footsteps upon the grass, I remained calm.
Concealing myself behind a rather conveniently placed bush, I pondered my next move; Should I wait, or should I attack?
I decided to wait; I didn't want to reveal myself to him as of yet, and came to the conclusion that he would eventually divulge information relevant to his current actions.
I was still in an appreciative mood. It's the kind of mood you get when you're happy. No. Grateful. Grateful you're alive, and what possessions and relationships with other people you have.
I appreciated the grass. Its soft, naturally pleasant texture; its slow, graceful sway in the gentlest of breezes; its gray-green colour; its delicate surface, granting me soundless steps...
I appreciated the bush. Its tiny leaves flowing in the direction the breeze sent it, then returning carefully to its foremost place on its branch; its size, perfectly providing me with cover.
I appreciated the sword. I slid my hands down it slowly, smiling and sighing happily, admiring the cold and exhilarating texture the elemental metal possessed.
I turned round to find my position, I had became aware, exposed. I was instantly confused, asking myself how the mad-man could've possibly seen me through the bush; I was perfectly hidden by it.
He laughed with an uncaring face.
I was unsure of what I should do. Stand up. Remain crouching. These options sang irritatingly and constantly in my mind. I decided to stand.
"How can you see me, old man?" I looked at him fully knowing of my tough appearance. I almost smiled because I knew that I looked like a hero of great.
"Hahahaha! What were you hiding behind, boy!? Was it a boulder!? A bush!? A crate!!!? Hahahaha!" He laughed snarlingly, coughs interrupting his every second word. He seemed to be the perfect villainous character.
I'd became slightly confused. I darent question the bush's being, and at the same time, my sanity; it was definitely there. Alongside the confusion, embarrassment began to mock me.
The once proud smile morphed into a smile of doubt. I chuckled a little, too. Though none of these happy emotions were indeed happy.
A great man, known as the 'Wise Old Man' told me once that humans think of roughly one million things every second. At this very moment, I could hear his voice saying it.
I wondered, associating the apparently factual commment with my current state of different feelings, thoughts and such- could he have been right?
Eventually I overcame all of the unimportant issues that pressed against my mind. Like foot soldiers on ladders attempting to climb onto a wall, the issues attacked and attacked, whilst my mind fended them off by knocking down the ladders and piercing their being with arrows.
Mustering normality again, I managed to mutter some words.
"You're the mad-man here, not me. How in the God's names did you see me through the bush?" In saying these defensive words, I pushed my empty hand down hoping to touch something. Green shrubbery, rather than something, I pleaded with Guthix.
Nothing. A soft breeze caressed my hand, swirling around it, through my fingers, chilling the tips of my fingernails. It felt as though the breeze itself was attempting to comfort me.
Noticing my hand's movement, the mad-man smirked and dug again.
I looked downwards to where the bush was. I raised one eyebrow and opened my mouth in awe. Following, fear struck me ruthlessly, causing me to scream.
I seen black smoke. A devil, with eyes like rubies glowing, glared at me, enticing my fear to expose itself through other means, rather than screaming.
I staggered a little and shouted, "GET BACK FROM ME! GET BACK! YOU'RE NOT REAL! AHHHHHH!"
I could hear snarling yet again. The sound drew my concentration not to the smoke devil which crouched before me, but to the mad-man.
He was busy digging; muttering words of old, disregarding my screams for help.
Fearfully, I looked back down onto the evil smoke to find the source of the laughing. Still, It glared into my eyes. I couldn't help but remember It from my strange dream, but that was minuscule in comparison to the fear I felt.
"You fight so eagerly with hope as your shield; defending you from reality, and with imagination as your weapon; striking me down in your mind, escaping this nightmare. If you will not allow anger to be one with you, then I.. I SHALL CORRUPT YOU WITH CHAOS AND ANGER MYSELF!" It screamed at me angrily, and I could feel death's embrace approach my life; the shock was too much to handle.
I could directly associate It's words with those which were in my dream. I shivered and stared absently into the devil's eyes. It grabbed my arm with its hands and casted me towards the mad-man.
I turned my head to look at him. He was awaiting my falling arrival with open arms, and droplets of sweat were pouring down his face. He showed no emotion.
Catching me the palms of his hands, he threw me to the ground, although as I looked up at him, I realized I was lower than the ground itself. Panicking horribly, I looked to my left and my right, analysing my surroundings.
I couldn't help but notice the soil that surrounded me like a wall. Dirt began to fall on me, and once again I heard snarling.
I was the reason he dug.
"Wake.. time.. come on.. wake up," a heavenly voice fluttered around my ears making little sense, yet giving me great comfort. I smiled as I listened.
"Wake up! It's time to get up! Come on! Hurry! You have to go, now! Wake up," the heavenly voice became more realistic by the second and my awareness rose to the highest of heights. I looked up to find a girl shaking me. I recognized her face. I couldn't help but think of the dream I'd had. It was a dream; I was waking from it.
"Alright, enough of this. Some cold water should do the trick!"
I was completely awake, but my eyes were still slightly closed. Upon hearing "cold water", I groaned and tried to open my eyes as fast as I possibly could. They kept closing as I forced them open. My mind was willing me to sleep again, but I would rather wake up than have cold water poured over me only then to be brought to my senses!
"I'm awake, I'm awake! Put the water away," I almost sobbed in agony whilst I begged.
I looked briefly to my left and right. I could see soil. Lots of soil. I began quaking in fear - it wasn't a dream. I was going to die. Hallucinations? Hopefully not. Help me, please help me, I begged to Guthix in my mind.
I looked down to my chest as I felt pressure upon it. I saw a hand with a Black glove on it, then as I followed the wrist to the arm, eventually to the face, I recognized the person who stood above me. It was my partner.
I sighed with relief, and a tear fell from my eye. Luckily Dayna didn't notice it.
"Are you ok? You seem pretty shook up. I'm not gonna ask how you got in here," she continued after a deep breath, "but I'm really concerned. I can't leave you in your own house anymore. I mean, does somebody have something against you or.. nevermind. Let's talk about it later. We've got business to take care of."
I nodded and stood up sharply. Waving my hands all over my body and occasionally slapping myself, I banished the dust from my clothes.
"Wait, Dayna," a drop of sweat fell from my brow and I panicked - I couldn't see my sword anywhere.
"What's up?" her face cared about my words, and I liked that.
"I can't see my sword, I mean, I had it last night. Last I had it, I was right behind that bu-" I suddenly realised that there was no bush.
"That what?" she inquired. "Wait, your sword!? How in Guthix's name could you have lost your sword! Oh dear Guthix, this is a problem indeed. We'll need to find it."
I nodded quickly without a second thought, and smiled invisibly, reminding myself how much I loved Dayna. She was perfect.
Dayna had long blond hair, which at the tips, grew more darker. Her skin was angelic; not too white, and not too brown. Her lips were a luscious pink, and when she bit them, I couldn't help but fall in love with her even more. She bit her lip when she was shocked, but sometimes.. she bit her lip when she was trying to be seductive. No, not trying - she was seductive.
I proceeded along the dirty path that lead to my house as Dayna assumed leadership of the group - I followed her. Her hair bounced behind her back and streamed downwards like a beautiful waterfall whilst she walked along the path. It almost touched her brown, leather boots.
She eventually entered my house, and with that, she lifted her arm above her head and landed her hand on it, then let it flow through her hair and let out a big sigh.
"Look, we need to go. Do you still have that dragon dagger your father gave you? It's poisonous, but it will have to do. We can't be bothered about a clean job when we have no weapons to do it properly." she didn't seem enthusiastic about this job, and I couldn't figure out why; she usually loved it - every second of it.
"I do. Hang on and I'll get it. But, when we get back, can we look for my sword? I couldn't have lost it. No, I haven't lost it." in speaking I reached over to a small set of dust-infested drawers and opened the top one.
Last edited by Brendan M : 08-22-2008 at 04:09 PM.
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05-03-2008, 03:46 AM
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#2
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Scribe
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Washington
Gender: Male
Posts: 99
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Hello Brendan, I am glad I took the time to read your story. It is good, although there were somethings quite annoying.
<quote>I had nothing, no-one; no enemies, no friends, no family, no allies- I had nothing, no-one.<quote/>
This sentence has redundancy. You used "no-one" near the beginning and use it again at the end. You don't need to say it twice.
<quote>This nightmare- it had became apparent- had cost me several moons. I'd noticed that as I caught the very moon itself in the corner of my eye, out of my window, with beautiful rays of white light emanating from it, shining through and revealing clouds, invisible without the moon's being.<quote/>
And this one seems like one huge run on, if it wasn't for the commas. Don't be afraid to separate your dialog a bit with periods.
All in all, I think your story is ok. It definitely needs improving, but thats what were all here for right?
Last edited by TevenB : 05-03-2008 at 03:48 AM.
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05-03-2008, 06:59 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 474
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redundancy is repetition. and repetition can be good. and i think that, 'nothing, no-one' thing was good! Just my humbleness!
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05-03-2008, 10:18 AM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Caldercruix, Scotland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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Thanks Teven! And yeah, the repetition was intended there. It doesn't read well then?
Thanks to you too HippoHead! 
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06-07-2008, 01:21 PM
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#5
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Caldercruix, Scotland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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Bump!
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06-08-2008, 04:53 PM
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#6
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Gender: Female
Posts: 9
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I've never come across a piece of Runescape literature before!
I like it though, I loved how you used Guthix's name to 'curse'.
Also, I might be wrong, (and I probably am, hah!) but in the prologue, was the speaker meant to be Zaros? It reminded me of him when I read the reference to Zamorak. Either him or the sandwich lady, perhaps? Just a guess...
Are you going to write more?
__________________
'Your effort to remain what you are is what limits you.' - 2501
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06-09-2008, 12:33 PM
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#7
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Caldercruix, Scotland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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No, you're right- it is Zaros. However, I didn't want to mention that in the story at all after I'd typed the prologue since people were complaining there were too many stories revolving around Zaros.
I may type up more as the Summer holidays are approaching and I'm sitting a Higher English course (I'll need to study hard and widen my skills a lot more!). I'll type more if you want me to.
Thank you for posting by the way.
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06-09-2008, 01:05 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 224
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Hi Brendan, nice story
I don't know about Runescape but I got the jist of this. It needs some work but, like Tevenb said, thats what we're here for. I would suggest you prune this down. A lot. I think you have too much description going on and its getting in the way of the flow of the story. Someone said elsewhere in here about cutting a thing in half. How about trying that here? Sound harsh maybe, but I think it might help.
I agree with Hippohead about the repetitive phrases - personal opinion but I also think they work. Keep them. And the sentence: '"What's up?" her face cared about my words, and I liked that.' This is good - keep it.
__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com
I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.
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06-09-2008, 01:24 PM
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#9
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Continent of Mu
Gender: Male
Posts: 665
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This falls under the category of fanfiction.
The prologue reads like the opening of an adventure game, one of those really cheesy old games back in the 1990s.
After the opening paragraph I just started skimming through the thing. Sorry.
Quote:
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I realise that there are alot of grammatical errors in this, mostly to do with the use of inverted commas, hyphens, colons and semi-colons. I'm just not 'good' with them. I haven't studied them yet.
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Maybe you should.
Milo
For those who don't know, Runescape is a mmorpg.
__________________

"The truth is in the song 'No one lives forever.'" ~ Balalaika
I am not of your faith, but if a god cannot recognize and reward such love and loyalty, how can he be a god?
If there are no dogs in heaven, let me rather go to wherever they are.
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06-09-2008, 01:45 PM
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#10
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 224
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Is fan fiction allowed on here?
__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com
I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.
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06-09-2008, 02:11 PM
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#11
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Continent of Mu
Gender: Male
Posts: 665
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__________________

"The truth is in the song 'No one lives forever.'" ~ Balalaika
I am not of your faith, but if a god cannot recognize and reward such love and loyalty, how can he be a god?
If there are no dogs in heaven, let me rather go to wherever they are.
Last edited by MiloDaePesdan : 06-09-2008 at 02:29 PM.
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06-09-2008, 02:18 PM
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#12
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 224
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Ah. Guess my comments are redundant then... 
__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com
I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.
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06-22-2008, 07:24 AM
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#13
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Caldercruix, Scotland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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Actually, this isn't a fan-fic, it's loosely based on RuneScape2, and that's only because you are required to involve some part of the game in your story, or your thread will be locked.
I went onto the Writing forum there, and took the oppertunity to make a story. The little mentions here and there that are associated with RuneScape2 were implemented due to the rules, nothing else.
Thank you for your comments, I appreciate them. I felt that your comment, MiloDaePesdan, was one of sheer disappointment and I was a little offended by it. I feel as if I need to be honest for some reason, so I am.
Candrah, one of my main problems with writing is keeping it condensed - I guess I'm not good enough to create big impact with little content. I don't even want to work on it. I feel comfortable working in length, and although that is - for the most part - a weakness, I just can't seem to shake it, no matter what I do.
I don't know if typing/writing so much is good or not.. I know one thing for sure: I need to practice, because examinations are not time-friendly..
Again, thanks for your comments.
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06-22-2008, 01:17 PM
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#14
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 474
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I read through the prologue again, and I've gotta say it's awful. I'm sorry, but it is! This villain sounds as someone has said, cheesy - and irritating. Make us respect him!
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06-22-2008, 04:59 PM
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#15
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Caldercruix, Scotland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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Sorry. My audience beforehand was mostly children, and I guess as I typed the prologue I knew that subconsciously.
I can type a new one tomorrow after school.. I'll try and make it more.. adult-ish.
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