From the Darkness - Writers Forum

skywalker21 · 04-29-2008, 10:00 AM

"From the Darkness"
Scottish Temptation
By: Christina Frederick-Schueler

Kyoto, Japan 1509

The Samui family lived in Japanese weathly section of town. The time period was 1509 and something was happening to the Samui family late at night. Their mother gives birth to them in the evening at midnight. The first twin comes out and they give her the name of Mitsukai and then her twin sister comes and her sisters name is Suki. After birth the twins are taken to be cleaned and watched over. Lord Samui went back to sit with his wife as the twin were brought in. "We have two lovely girls to add to this family." Lord Samui knew that there would be something about the twins that one would die and the other would be turned. Lady Samui looked at her husband sensing his worry. "Please don't worry we will all be fine." So the everything happened as Lord Samui forsaw, the murder of his daughter; Suki by a man that was not Japanese and Mitsukai's survival but was scared with a curse that would make her immortal. Not known to Mitsukai that a murder of her family was underway and Lord Urusai fought to protect her other siblings. Mitsukai had brothers, Yoshi and Kyru. Lord Samui while fighting of the attacker of the family was killed and he gave his children to Lord Urusai, who adopted them all as his own. Mitsukai was trained to defeat her families killers that took her and to revenge for her sisters death. On the day her sister was murdered, Lord Urusai took her to her brother's home to live. One day her older brother, Yoshi found his two year old sister hidding into their step father's home from Kyru who was playing hide and go seek with her. Kyru came into the house and Yoshi sat at his table reading the newspaper not giving away where his sister was. Kyru asked Yoshi, "Have you seen sis?" Yoshi shrugged and shook his head as Kyru walked over where Mitsukai was hidding. Suddenly Mitsukai jumps out from behind the door and screams "Boo!" Yoshi starts laughing and Kyru feel on the floor from the shock of being scared by his little sister. "Oh boy sis you were going to give me a heart attack." They all started laughing. Lord Urusai walks in and looks around his home asking, "What has been going on here?" Yoshi walks over and bows, "Step father, Kyru and Mitsukai were playing hide and go seek in the house. Mitsukai scared Kyru silly." Lord Urusai started laughing and walked over picking up two year old Mitsukai.

Fukuoka, Japan 1530

With in a couple years Mitsukai reached her 20s and Lord Urusai moved them from Kyoto to Fukuoka. Mitsukai was soon taught how to keep house by Lord Urusai who would have her married with in the season to her families murder. Lord Urusai brought a man from Scotland who was living in Fukuoka for some time with his father to discuss the marriage of his step daughter to his son. "Lord Lockhart, I wish my daughter to marry your son. Mitsukai family was rich and you will have her money with land in Kyoto." Lord Lockhart smiled with great lust to see Mitsukai so that his son could check out the bride for himself. "My son would like to see her." Lord Urusai shook his head. "Mitsukai will see no one. Women in our country stay out of sight until they are married." The men nod as Mitsukai stands outside the door listening. Mitsukai angryly stamps of towards her room. Yoshi and Kyru get out of her way for they do not want to hear her temper at them. The next day Lord Urusai puts her on a ship to go to Scotland to meet her husband, who has already sailed for Scotland. Lord Urusai told his adopted daughter that she would stay with the Lockharts and she was to keep her distance from the Scottish men. Mitsukai went to protest, "I will not marry him father." Lord Urusai got mad and hit her, "You will do as you are told." Mitsukai turned around and walked onto the ship hold in her anger. Lord Urusai had wrotten down what she was to do when she got to Scottland. The note read: She is to wed Rika Lockhart and keep her distance from Lord Geodie Draven. Very soon her father will find out that she will end up marrying Lord Draven instead of Lord Lockhart because she falls for Draven. So the long trip is underway to Scotland, the seas rock the boat and Mitsukai must stay in the underdecks of the Japanese ship. The trip took three years to complete and all she could do on board was hang in the underdecks and read. Finally she reached Scotland and was allowed to come up on the upper decks to see for herself what it looked like. When Mitsukai saw Scotland for the first time her heart sank and she thought of her brothers back in Japan.

Candrah · 04-29-2008, 02:01 PM

Sorry, couldnt get into this. It reads as if English isnt your first language, which shouldnt be a problem but , I dont know... This just doesnt make any sense to me. You introduce characters without any warning and the stuff about Scotland... I'm Scottish and seeing your subtitle, I thought I would enjoy this.

I didnt. Not at all. If you are going to use different cultures in a story, do your homework and make the culture real.

Maetrix66 · 04-29-2008, 02:46 PM

I couldn't stick it out.

It reads more like an outline, which is fine, if that is the intention at this point.

Right now you have the skeleton of a story, but with no muscles to move the plot along, or skin to make it interesting to look at.

I would go through it a few times and add in description, more dialogue, vary sentence structure, etc.

(I'm going to go look for a place to hide before Ungood get's a look in here.)

A-L · 04-29-2008, 04:14 PM

I must second Maetrix, it reads as if you are simply trying to outline the story. But the plot is interesting.

Ilasir Maroa · 05-03-2008, 07:55 AM

I would say this is an outline at best. Even the parts that read somewhat like a story jump tense, drop POV, and generally just read oddly.

Also, I see no Scottish anything in here whatsoever.

The Japanese references seem odd as well, very unsupported, and some of the names seem off.

skywalker21 · 06-22-2008, 06:46 AM

Writing is a process and it takes a long time. I am showing you what happens in the writing process. I have now updated this so you can see what has happened. Ancient Scottish is not easy to replecate if you do not speak it. I speak Japanese so I know how to do that easily. I will work on the Scottish. I know some works but not all of them.

Wintermute · 06-25-2008, 01:00 PM

Ok, so what are you trying to get out of this? We all know the writing process, which is questionable, as it varies from person to person. My process doesn't even start near anything as half this bad.

Is this an outline or this truly how you write? If it's the former, why should we even bother critiquing an outline? If it's the latter, well then your writing needs some serious help.

I hate to be the culmination of a thousand MFA Writing lectures, but you need to Show, and not tell. This entire... thing... skeleton, outline, call it what you will, is riddled with so much telling that I absolutely MUST assume it's an outline only and that you don't really write this way.

There is no imagery, barely any dialogue, no real coherent sentence structure - Hell, no structure at all - and it's riddled with enough plot holes to bury half of China.

Again, I have no idea what you are trying to get out of posting this. Perhaps you don't either.

HippoHead · 06-25-2008, 02:30 PM

I don't like the people's names. They're difficult to pronounce and have too many syllables. I read the first sentence or two before I got bored. This needs a serious fiery start fr me to even consider reading on. Telling me about the date 1509 in Japan is going to make me snore.

HippoHead · 06-25-2008, 02:35 PM

ok... I read a bit more. This is all I have to say: goodbye.

Candrah · 06-26-2008, 01:45 PM

I have nothing to add to my previous comments except to ask; "Ancient Scottish" - what do you mean? Gaelic? If so, it sure as hell isnt ancient. Plenty of people speak Gaelic in Scotland. I hate repeating myself but you asked for it.

Do. Your. Homework.

skywalker21 · 06-28-2008, 08:24 AM

At this time Gaelic is no longer spoken in Scotland. Too many of the Gaelic speaking people are dead and the new generation are speaking English.
Do ye really want to have sentences that look like this?
I will make it even more like this if ye wishes.
Gaelic is different in Scotland than Ireland and is not spoken much in either country. English is spoken more because of the Brits. Look at your history book. And stop telling me that I do not know what I am talking about because this is not on history it is a story that is about legends not real people. So I do not have to be completely accurate.
Who can really read Gaelic? It would not sell because of that language.
Scotland - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Candrah · 06-28-2008, 03:18 PM

Ouch! Looks like someone wants an argument.

Ok... Scotland: I was born here, I live here, I do not need to read a history book - I know Gaelic was banned back in the seventeen hundreds along with kilts, ceilidhs and the lion rampant after the quelling of the Jacobite rebellion. But these days, like I said, plenty of people do speak Gaelic. They teach it in several schools across the country. It is an awkward language to write, I agree, but you're not writing it. You are apparently trying to recreate a scottish accent. and yes, if you get it right, it sounds fine in a book. For good examples, see Irvine Welsh's stuff. Acid House and Trainspotting being his best known books. There is also the poetry of Robert Burns. Might be good to look at his stuff if you insist on recreating what you call "ancient scottish". And although I can't speak personally for the irish, I do know that Gaelic is spoken in Ireland, more so than in Scotland.

skywalker21 · 06-28-2008, 06:56 PM

Irish and Scottish in the past use to be able to understand one anothers Gaelic. This is not on history one bite because the time period is not spoken of. I have to listen to my husband on the topic. Now days, Gaelic between Irish and Scottish can not be understood. Gaelic is dying in Ireland and I believe it has died in Scotland.

Have your friend message me and help me out. I apprecate any help you can give.

skywalker21 · 06-29-2008, 06:55 AM

Glasgow, Scotland 1533

When Mitsukai arrived and stepped off the ship Rika meant her and took her to his keep. Rika took Mitsukai to her room in his keep as he went downstairs to talk to his father, Gaven Lockhart. Mitsukai walked around the room taking off her traveling clothing then she took out her sword give to her by her adopted father. Then she began to clean her sword for a fight that she had with her family enemy. Having been raised by a immortal he taught her to hate her enemy.
Suddenly the room grows dark and a blue portal opens up and Mitsukai vanishes from her room. When she finally comes out of the portal she is at the enterance to the bar. Mitsukai as a part of her plan dressed as one of her handmaidens. Mitsukai looks around finding out that the people are dressed much different from her. Mitsukai is dressed in a kimono of red with dragons on it which is a sign that she is unmarried in her country, when the Scottish women are dressed in dresses and kilts with tunics for the men.
Mitsukai walks into a bar where men are enjoying themselves. Some of the men descide to try to hit her in the butt which cause Mitsukai to grab their hands and brake their fingers. She thinks to herself after doing that. "What the hell am I doing here?" Mitsukai Urusai walks through the bar looking for her next kill having a feeling that she is being watch by a man. She had honed her skills to hunt but not fall in love ever again for her early life as a young girl was filled with too many loves that had all died and left her alone in the world. Men were getting drunk around her and some where pinching her in the butt and she just ignored them looking for the perfect man. Then she saw him, his dark brown eyes where on her watching her from the corner of the room. As she looked at him she saw the young tan face with smiling brown eyes and brown short cut hair and a blue plaid kilt around his waist and draped over his shoulder. Her fangs grew inside her mouth at the sight of him, lust filled her for him. She had traveled to Scotland to marry Lord Rika Lockhart but she hated that man, for one reason, he was ugly and cold to her. Now that she was here in Scotland searching for the man that would win her heart and soul. She walked over to him offering him a drink then sat down next to the man admiring the hard muscles. "Greetings milord. I am Mitsukai Urusai of Japan." Mitsukai English was broken but getting better. He looked at her listening to her sweet voice talk to him. "Pleased to met ye, Mitsukai. I am Geordie Draven." He admired her soft curves of her body, looks at those soft beautiful lips that make him look hungry to kiss them. Mitsukai gasped as she remembered what the letter had said about Lord Draven but Mitsukai would not have anymore of the lies. "Milady may I take ye home?" Geordie asked kindly and Mitsukai looks at him. "Take me to your keep for the nigh, Lord Draven." Geordie smiles at this and takes her home with him knowing that might be running from something. She took him home and then after he feel asleep she went to see her father.
Geordie fell asleep at 1am and Mitsukai went and found her father in the lounge. "Father, I have decided to leave Rika Lockhart and marry Geordie." Urias Urusai was furious with his daughter over her betrayal of the agreement with Lockhart but understood that the man did not treat her well at all. "Are ye sure ye want him daughter? Rika has many riches." Mitsukai looked at her father and shook her head. "Father, I am afriad that Rika Lockhart will abuse me. I fear he has much hate for me." Urias nods and hugs his daughter. "When he proposes tell me and I will bless the engagement." Urias knew that his step daughter, Mitsukai's had a difficult childhood and hoped that Geordie would take revenge for her parents and sisters deaths.
Mitsukai walked back into the room where Geordie sleep and did not know that he was awake still. As she looked at him. He was well muscled man, with brown eyes, raven colored hair, and he was watching Mitsukai as she moved towards him to lay on the bed and fall asleep. Mitsukai did not seem to be from his country at all, she was too bold in the way that she carried herself. Mitsukai carried a weapon that women of his time would not. The women to him were suppose to not be warrior and her strong headness made him worrisome.
While back at Lockharts keep Rika is wondering where Mitsukai disappeared to. Rika hated witches and if Mitsukai was one he would have her powers taken away but not easily. Lockhart did not know that Mitsukai was his enemy and that she would have him killed for the murder of her parents and sister. "Father, were is that wrenched lass, I am to marry. I will have her beaten if she doesnae come home." Rika was furious with rage at Mitsukai's disappearance. "Son, the lass is from Japan and their children are allowed to wonder around by themselves. I have a feeling that Mitsukai will be ye undoing." Gaven was afriad for his son who could be destroyed if Mitsukai married another man. He knew that they would have to get her back or be destroyed. Rika did not care he wanted Mitsukai really bad and could not have her with another male or his life would be over. "I will capture her at the ball in a months time." Gaven whinced and frowned at his son. Rika went upstairs and started his planning for the capture of Mitsukai. Gaven went to the bedroom where his wife was waiting for him. Gaven and his wife went to bed after Rika stayed up until one am then went to bed pleased that he was ready. In the morning he would send out the letters to his friends to help him with Mitsukai capture.

skywalker21 · 06-29-2008, 07:00 AM

It was a bright sunny day and Mitsukai was down by the creek playing in the water. Lord Draven was riding by and heard a woman’s voice and stopped his horse got down and went to find the woman. He found her and stayed in the bushes and watched her. The beautiful creature had caught his eye a month ago. Suddenly, Mitsukai turns to see Lord Draven watching her. The eyes of Lord Draven scan her for interest that he find with her walking towards him. Scars mark her body from the battles she had when she was mortal. As he comes close to her scent goes to his nose and his body reacts to her growing hard in his groin. She wraps her arms around him and looks into his eyes. He gets a feirse need to kiss her and as he leans down to kiss her, her lips gently brush his sending a wave of lust straight to his groin making him groan. The love making took hours and they were both starting to fall for one another after a couple hours. The sex had happen where she was leaning up against the tree so he could have sex with her and enjoy her. Mitsukai's beautiful breast and long black hair had made her so attractive to him.
Mitsukai put back on her clothing and walked to her horse. "Aye, I will see ye tonight, milord." Mitsukai rode off into the woods to her home, while Draven headed home to get the party ready for tonight. Mitsukai got dressed for the ball in her best dress of red with black lace which she was not use to wearing at all. Mitsukai wanted to be in her kimono at the ball instead of this dress. Mitsukai was taken to the ball on horse back by another vampire who had now taken her in and encouraged her indepentance and wanted her to have a lover other than another witch.
When it was 5pm, everyone started coming to the ball. Mitsukai was among the first to arrive and looked gorgous in her red dress with black lace on it. Music was playing in the Scottish tones. Mitsukai had weird feeling that she did not understand any of the words for her English was still struggling for she had lived in Japan since she was a baby. Draven and Mitsukai dance together for over an hour before dinner is served and they sit across the table from one another. Mitsukai is asked about Japan and what has brought her to Scotland. Mitsukai answers that she had to come to get away from danger and to protect her brothers. Mitsukai explained that her sister had been murdered by a man wanting revenge on her father for some of his deeds. Lord Urusai adopted me then sent me hear to Scotland to get away from her brothers and to find a new life. Without thinking much Mitsukai was speaking in Japanese and forgot her English completely. Lord Draven looked at her giving her a signal that she was forgetting to speak English. Mitsukai blushed and repeated the sentence in broken English. After dinner the dance began up agian and Mitsukai dance with Lord Draven and some other single party guest. Lord Lockhart was at the part and so was her father who was happy his daughter was having fun. Lord Lockhart danced with her and told her in harsh words that she was coming home with him and he would not let her marry a man like Draven because he would not be loyal. Mitsukai excused herself and went to her father and told him to follow her. "Please don't force me to marry. I want to pick my husband," said Mitsukai. "I choose Lord Lockhart for you and I told you to marry him," said Lord Urusai. "Please Dad! I want to marry Lord Draven," said Mitsukai upset and crying. "Very well! If you love him. You may marry Lord Draven," Lord Urusai took his daughter out to dance with her after he had his last words. Draven watched the father and daughter dance he had over heard the arguement and hoped the father would let him marry her instead of Lockhart for he believed Lockhart would end up hurting her.
Draven walked out to dance with Mitsukai and Lord Urusai handed her over without a fight as Lockhart planned a way to get her.Lord Draven spoke with her as they danced. "Lady Mitsukai, do ye like Scotland?" Mitsukai smiled and answered him. "Milord, Scotland tis very beautiful and peaceful." Mitsukai smiled and answered him. "Milord, Scotland tis very beautiful and peaceful." Lord Draven nods. "I am pleased to hear that. Would ye if I asked ye to marry me?" Mitsukai blushed. "I would marry ye if ye asked." Lord Draven at the end of the dance lead Mitsukai infront of everyone that night and told everyone that he would be marrying Mitsukai and be her faithful husband. "Everyone me would like to tell ye all that I will be marrying Lady Mitsukai from Japan." Lord Draven said that they would be retiring for the night as Mitsukai loyal looked down at the floor not making eye contact with any of the men. Lord Draven took Mitsukai up to his room and he was shoed out so that her servants could get her ready for bed. Mitsukai knew nothing of Lord Draven's customs so she followed the ones made by her country men. Mitsukai would soon be under the control of her husband and would have to obey him. Geordie came back in and got into bed as the father had instructed he made no move on her. Geordie would be wed in the Scottish way then the Japanese way tomorrow. Geordie knew that they would go live in Japan and come back to Scotland to visit for family parties which he hated. They both were clueless to the danger that was walking in the shadows. Their enemy was planning his next move to capture his bride from Draven before he found out that he had murdered her family and take revenge for his wife.