Maetrix66

I thought I might try my hand at Horror, a new genre for me. Actually, I was bored and decided to torture some guys poor fictional soul.


Let me know what you think.

I just banged this out in about 35 minutes, so no doubt it has alot of grammatical errors.



Alone in the Tub
By: Maetrix66

Gene flexed the digits on his left hand, watching the dried blood fleck off and fall to the floor.

I can’t even do this right.

He struggled to focus on the clock above the bathroom sink. After a moment of squinting, he found he could make out a time of 12:00. The pale illumination from the streetlamp outside streaked through the side window, bathing the remainder of the room in a washed out incandescence.

The three inch scab on each wrist felt tight, as though his very body was physically denying his final wish.

The pulsing veins in his temple reflected the pressure inside his skull. He wasn’t sure if this was caused by the alcohol or the blood loss, but either way, it was his own doing.

At least he had created something with his efforts tonight.

He hadn’t expected to wake from the three bottles of cheap wine he had ingested prior to slitting his wrists. He had determined that the impending headache would be lost along with his last breath as he slipped into the afterlife.

No longer my problem, he remembered thinking at the time.

The world that had mocked him at every turn had apparently not yet been ready to release him. Contemplating an encore attempt on his life, he found his courage had diluted along with the alcohol.

He tried in vain to climb from the tub, but the blood loss that had not been sufficient to end his life had weakened him considerably. His foot slipped and his backside struck the bottom of the tub along with the back of his head. The streetlight blurred as he struggled to maintain consciousness.

Why am I still fighting? He pondered the question, but the migraine mitigated any attempt at rational thought.

I should just let the devil take me.

A tear trickled down his cheek and rolled into the corner of his mouth. He smacked his dry lips on the saline, and the salt stung in the cracks. The fresh pain pulled him back to reality. The clock came into focus again and he read it, 12:03.

Resigned to his present location, he closed his eyes to give the headache an opportunity to dissipate.

A pinging emanated from the drain at his feet. He ignored it. The super had been promising to have the plumbing fixed for months, but like his life, nothing had been accomplished. Perhaps if he had put his foot down harder, the man would have performed his duty and repaired the pipes. Gene thought that the issue must be that two of them had become unsecured in a confined space. That would explain them banging against each other when someone in the lower levels of the building turned their water on and off.

It wouldn’t take a lot to fix it. He kept repeating the thought in his head.

He thought of how the super was a lot like him, probably has a lot of individually insignificant problems that compounded over time.

He made the natural connection that perhaps if he had applied himself a little more, perhaps he could have improved his fortune.

The clock read 12:05.

His relaxed breathing drew in a sharp, pungent odor. It had the stench of a struck match, which was a foreign scent in his apartment. He opened his eyes, looking around for a possible source. The odor faded almost as quickly as it had arisen.

He allowed the heavy lids of his eyes to close again. Burning alive, unable to escape the tub after a failed suicide attempt would have been an extremely ironic way to pass, he thought. A smile began to twitch along the edges of his parched mouth for the first time in recent memory.

He decided that perhaps, when his constitution returned, he would give it another shot. His life may have only been one good push away from turning around. The possibility seemed to fill his chest with the air of inspiration.

He could go back to school, he had always wanted to work in engineering. He would have to let his car go back, forfeit his apartment, and maybe declare bankruptcy, but he could do it.

What was public opinion worth when he had already chosen to end his life? He was surprised to find that he didn’t care. For the first time in his life, he could see light at the end of the tunnel.

He glanced over at the clock, wanting to know the exact time that his life had turned around. The clock read 12:06, but the second hand was quickly streaking past the 11, so he decided to round up to 12:07.

At 12:07AM on December 7th, 2008, Gene had decided that the only thing holding him back had been himself. His chest rose, taking in his first breath as a man free of his own demons.

The antiseptic laced bathroom air he had expected was replaced with the acrid, sulfurous smell. He coughed forcefully enough for his still throbbing head to ring. A quick appraisal of his surroundings found him gazing at the drain.

The thick gray smoke rising from the pipes was lit by a faint orange glow. The pinging began again, and quickly rose in volume and repetition.

Gene had the strange image of magma backing up through the drain sent shivers up his spine. He made another attempt at climbing from the tub, but could only lift himself an inch or two before his muscles atrophied and he collapsed back.

Something hot and slimy scalded his leg. Unable to protest, he could only writhe in horror as a black, smoldering tendril rose from the drain and climbed his chest. His shirt reduced to smoking ashes wherever the wriggling stem touched.

The skin quickly bubbled and blackened underneath, leaving a scorched highway up his torso. Gene tried to scream, but the most his dehydrated vocal cords could muster was a hoarse whisper.

The tendril forced itself against his lips, burning them away instantly as his teeth shattered from the rapid temperature change. Given an opening, the whip-like appendage forced its way into his mouth and grabbed something inside.

The finality of the situation finally gripped him. He knew now that the drain in his tub would take him directly to hell. All his recently acquired ambitions would go for naught, and this night would end the way he had originally planned. As all light began to fade, a perverted sense of accomplishment welled up within him.

The tendril chose that moment to extract his heart, retreating down the drain with it's catch.

The devil would have him, after all.


EDITED

Ungood

GOOD !

It seems you have a gift for this stuff ! I enjoyed this greatly!

One thing...



What is "it"? That left me kind of deflated.

Ungood.

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Candrah

Good story and well written.

I'm guessing the "it" was his soul?

35 minutes...?! Well done for getting the spelling, grammar etc, so good first time round. Wish I could do so well!

Ungood

Yer telling me...

Ungood.

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Maetrix66

As all light began to fade, a perverted sense of accomplishment filled his heart.

At that moment, the tendril reached its destination and pulled it out through his still open mouth.

it=heart

sorry, I can see how that might be cryptic.

omginternetlord

A gritty tale. I like it.

Maetrix66

Thanks for the kind words.

I'm glad you guys like it.

Maetrix66

.

Ungood

This messed me up even more... Just say "heart" it is not bad to use the word heart twice in this situation. I know 'Still beating organ means heart as the heart is the only organ that beats.

But it does not flow "... Still beating heart from his body..." is not bad... try it.

"At that moment, the tendril reached its destination and pulled his still beating heart out through his open mouth."

How does it sound?

Ungood.

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Maetrix66

You're right, that does work better.

I was a little worried about using heart twice in back to back sentences, and I didn't find a satisfactory replacement.

I wanted to be slightly indirect, a little more decriptive, but ended up being TOO vague.

Let me try out a couple of different replacement lines, though I like yours well too. Let me know which one you like best, I'm just bouncing ideas around here.

1. The tendril chose that moment to liberate his heart, retreating down the drain with it's catch.

2. The burning sensation reached his heart, which was unserimoniously removed and pulled down the drain.

3. His throat expanded one last time, to allow his still beating heart to be plucked out as the tendril made it's retreat down the drain.

4. At that moment, the tendril reached its destination and pulled his still beating heart out through his open mouth.-Ungood

Ungood

1. The tendril chose that moment to liberate his heart, retreating down the drain with it's catch.

2. The burning sensation reached his heart, which was unserimoniously removed and pulled down the drain.

3. His throat expanded one last time, to allow his still beating heart to be plucked out as the tendril made it's retreat down the drain.

Quote:

The devil would have him, after all.

BTW, all the quotes were yours, all I changed was Organ to Heart. Which is... nothing really...

I like what you first had... just don't be afrade to say "heart" more then once. Perhaps if you have to chance something... say

"a perverted sense of accomplishment filled his chest."
"a perverted sense of accomplishment filled him."

Just something to consider.

Ungood.

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A-L

Wow. I must say that this was a really entertaining read. There is nothing that hasn't been said already that needs to, so I won't. But you did a great job this, I can't wait to read more.

Maetrix66

Good call, I thought briefly about adjusting the sentence before, like you recommended, but for some reason kept going back to adjusting the other.

I'll change both, I think I may have found a combination I like.

Thanks for the help.

Thanks. This was just a fun little exercise to kill some time. I don't plan to add to it. I do have a full length horror novel planned, but I have my hands full with d.o.mai.n right now. It might end up being my second full length novel, titled "Flatlanders".

I'm going to edit the first post so that if anyone else decides to read, they get the undated version.

Thanks again!

Ungood

Does "Liberate" really express what you are trying to say here?

I mean I would imagine "Viciously tore his heart from his boy and yanking it though his forced open mouth the devil claimed his final prize before leaving his lifeless husk to melt away into the tub"

Or something along those lines... would be more what you were seeking to say... or at least what I was expecting to happen.


Ungood.

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Vee

Liberate would be the "devil's" perspective & you are writing more from "Gene's" aren't you?

I like this one:

3. His throat expanded one last time, to allow his still beating heart to be plucked out as the tendril made it's retreat down the drain.

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Heart, Faith, Steel

Latest Work: Torture Porn, Oz II, Oz