kevin04

Hi Folks, My first attempt at writing a book and although it's first draft. There is probably spelling, grammar and basic errors in but hope someone finds it interesting.


Sinking his beer, Kieran lets of a slight sigh of unwanted Manhood followed by a burb, rasing his dark eyebrows to the table of Martin, AB, Jackie, Cabi, Fraser & Derek
"fancy another one folks?" smilies Kieran to the group, Friday evening has arrived in fine fashion with none of the table having to work, study or be involved in any social or sporting activity the next morning. The evening is free to indulge in alcohol. Placed in the established publican bar called 'The Thistle' , stragetically placed right in the centre of the small 8,000 something populated Lochcarty and with a regularly decent clientel is a fine meeting place for a beer, the pub has a varied mix of punters due to it's location in the centre of town. The Thistle is usually mobbed with the money wielding allsorts from around 9pm onwards being peak. The pub, filled with wooden tables, dark brown mahognay stolls, a small juke box, two pool tables and the occasional gadge. The Thistle is truly the place to be in Lochcarty with a dull lit lighting, The Thistle is modest by all means , surely with 99% of adolensents from Lochcarty tasting their first legal pint in the pub, has a homely feel and no clicey clientele unlike various others in Lochcarty, Jackie has often talked of the need for more pubs instead of the new neon lit bars which are propping up in every town to be similar to The Thistle. Every member of the group knows someone somehow inside The Thistle, It's an adequate meeting place and is most often the busiest pub in Lochcarty followed closely by the uninspiringly named 'Doon The Lane' 250 yards away down a small side street. The pub is ebbing to it's closure but sitting huddled round a small but sturdy table all are in dual agreement that "one more" might be ok, so off to the bar troops Kieran.

"aye, get me a double house whisky" yells over AB louder than required to Kieran who is squaring up with the barman whilst juggling the nips between his arm, hands and chin for the end of the evening's drinking session. Placing the nips down on the table from the small tray, all of the group grabs a nip and a voice is heard "here´s to us, cheers and slainte" is moaned from the table. Early June, already with some unexpected but fantastic weather shining down on the town helping the shine through the town with small pockets of tourists already being noted with their backpacks and fish supper hands, June is early for lochcarty. Lochcarty's resident population 7-8,000 your typical Scottish small town, a main street supplied with newsagents, bakaries, a petrol station, a supermarket, a chinese takeaway, small DIY shops, the occasional café and far too may pubs per population, nothing to do for youngsters so of course Cider at 1.97 a bottle is the only option for fun on a saturday night if your under 18.

Fraser sitting leaning over the table taking a sip whilst looking directly at Martin "What's Sammy doo up to tonight?" , Martin ' MacD' answering promptly "well tonight is tomorrow morning so assuming he'll be in the sack, but he was at the cinema with his chic" Fraser relaxes back into his stoll looking like a wealthy chairman with his hands over his neck as he has done for the last 4hours or so accepting Martin's explanation with a simple nod . AB is now arriving with the 'last' of the last drinks for the evening, having quickly knocked back the previous 'last' drinks, AB in his good nature has decided to buy a further round to finish the evening of in style. AB is in good form this evening and looking well with his dark brown hair gelled into place, telling his friends of his new scheme that he has to make himself a richer man which although is not toned , AB is working. Many of his infamous plans have failed before hand, his most famous attempting to sell parcaetamols as viagara which only just avoided prosecution by her majesty's finest through a cry of Mental Issues but somehow he's optimistic and happy convinced this one is to make him money fast. The pub sits unattended, now slowly fibbling away to resemble more of a slaughter house farm just after all the finest, prime chickens have been selected to be on their way to a better place with the small useless left overs squalling, stumbling around attempting to find a purpose. Kieran glancing up to the old large grandfather clock which sits directly behind the bar noticing the time of 12.27 "any minute now we'll be thrown out, no doubt, remember this place used to have late lock ins til 6am and the cleaners used to throw us out on Sunday morning?" Martin replying "of course, I ended up one night in here around 6 or so,when the cleaner came in to see me and AB downing shots with Gemma(barmaid) Sammy and AB". AB raises a wry smile with the right side of his mouth engrossed in the conversation . "wait a minute, why were you BUTT naked?" asks Fraser, "He lost a dare, ended up winning 30sheets for that" says AB, "Oh yeah, whatever happened to that cash?" replies MacD "ehh I'm sure you must have blown it that morning or so, you were buying everyone something" AB noticing the neon blue reflection of the police car against the drawn curtains of the Thistle '' damn polis ,There are kids out there getting drunk and probably up to no good, remember us? What windaes didnae get panned? but they come and bust in boozers that are just wanting to serve up a few pints after the time deemed suitable for the government to close" . Jackie the only member of the table interesting in replying ''What, are you on about? How do you know they are not busting 'Punk Kids' No?" AB tapping his glass ''I know the polis in this place, They aren't doing anything, probably just touring around waiting for the bakery to open at 5am" Keiran half hearted mumbles about it being all the UK governments fault with England having 24hr drinking legislation and Scotland not, but after a half a speel he decides not to engage into politics tonight, the alcohol and lack of interest being his main detractor "What are we going to do, eh?" simply replies whilst raising his glass to the the table.

"Does no one fancy something different, different from this?" asks Derek to the near slumber state of the table. AB smiles ''I certainly do as well, this is fine but we are getting older. Do you want to do this all your life? just how do go about it, where to go, what to do, they are all huge questions". Martin answering Derek's question ''Not really to be honest, It's cool that your going Derek but this is ok for me''. Cabi making no blatant attempt to hide his smirk showing his dark yellow front teeth "Yeah, the man who up until last year didn't know how to open a bottle of wine" AB glours to Cabi with a half shut eye due to the alcohol and also is inability to scare anything amidst the chortle of giggles. Jackie pauses before bursting into small bursts of laughter similar to a machine gun that is on it's last legs. AB attempting to play down the giggles and fits of laughter ''How should I know? I don't drink wine, just whiskey or beer. I'm a man!'' The table lets of a roar of laughter with Derek in
mitating AB which continues to bring laughter to the small table. Fraser snortling out beer ''I still can see you tugging and pulling at the bottle top and then the wee cork all bashed, then trying again and again. Were you not trying to serade a woman that night as well? Then the frantic patting of the bottom, trying tae get it oot like it was broon sauce or so'' AB cannot help but smile thinking back to his ill fated evening with the wine ''at least I can make you smile''he mutters now attemping to change the subject for a further time this evening he points to the television screen which has highlights of 3rd division football in England with AB none the wiser to what division it actually is, he mentions the coming fixture list which is a first as AB cannot stand football, the table begins to calm down from the outbursts of laughter and chats over the football.

The barman tidying up the pint glasses in a neat pile behind the bar whilst throwing the recycable bottles into the perfectly placed bin with his redundant left hand, looks up over to the only real level of activity in the pub - the table where the boys sit , gently shouting to the remaining drinkers "DRINK UP PLEASE!" The Thistle is now resembling the scene of a last man standing drinking contest with the drunks all scattered around the pub, 1 of the 4 barflys slumped into his right palm sleeping, the other three barflys who all look around mid 50s and immune to the further nips they thrown down their throats, intoxicated since 7pm and are no longer getting drunk, their aging red noses showing the giveaway signs and blue veins. Three 40something men who look like they play golf probably celebrating the early summers evening and a good round are finishing off and looking well on their way no doubt going home to a wife less than pleased. "I don't want to end up like that, with the pringle jumper, shiny shoes, pink polo shirts and being 40 in this place" moans AB subtly pointing to the 'golfers' he continues "They've probably lived here all their days, went to Carty high, he looks like he's an offshore man" (pointing to the pink polo shirt) "2weeks on and 2weeks off, back to this shite hole, golf, beer and a wife getting uglier everyday"adds Jackie. Cabi jokes "don't you mean 52weeks on" the table laughs, Kieran "You have got a point AB, I mean you work your sweet cheeks off probably 50hrs a week off shore , 14days to come home for 14days to piss it up against a drain,munch on a fish supper,the occasional day shopping in Tesco with your wife and finally the highlight of your 2weeks off being when your 17yr old daughter brings her pals round". MacD looks to Kieran defending the men "We don't know them they might not be from here. Is that so bad though? I don't mind that lifestyle, a wife, kids, Carty isn't so bad place to bring up kids, the school came 34th out of top 200 schools in Scotland. Not bad I say", Fras decided to stay netural in the discussion "I want kids, etc too like Martin, Carty is ok but so is other places". Cabi "you need to find a tongue first Fraser" Fraser taps Cabi's head with a back hand.

"Ok folks , 1minute" shouts the barman whilst opening the back door ushering and guiding the barflys who are mumbling, groaning and staggering slowly through the back door, one of the drunks stumbles back into the bar to collect his badly creased sat upon jacket. The Thistle is now left with just the group and the young barmaid who has her jacket and bag on ready to depart looking increasinly bored and pondering over what her bed would feel like to dive into before she raises her voice. Derek the last to finish his nip stands up with the group all walking up the back door bidding fairwell to the 2 bar staff. AB, Kieran, Cabi walk west towards the rougher working class part of town simply named ''The Ghetto'' not due to it's dangerous neighbourhood but it's high benefit claimant rate with Martin, Fraser & Derek walking East towards the less benefit claiming and nicer east part. The part of town where people have two cars.

AB is first to bid his farewell living just off the main street into his one bedroomed small ex council house flat. Kieran and Cabi continue walking along the main road that flows through Locharty before spliting through the small back side streets which are quiet with the occasional bedroom or living room light on, Locharty feels like the end of the earth this evening so at peace and quiet. Kieran has now reached his parents adequate 3bedroomed house in the middle of a side street stopping outside his garden. Kieran and Cabi longest serving friends from the group with Cabi helping Kieran settle into the town when he first arrived there from Stranraer, although close and enjoy a giggle, they don´t openly talk about things they fear the most but have a caring, good friendship. "Well pal, good giggles indeed, I don´t want to grow up and end up with us all seeing each other once a year or not even knowing what town one of us lives in´" sighs Kieran, Cabi reassuring as always just like his first day in school when Kieran originally moved "that'll never happen bigman, we'll not lose touch, none of us will"
The two say goodnight with cabi who leaps the small wall next to Kieran's house to continue back on track for the 15minute trail back to his place of rest, sticking on the ipod, Cabi sings walking into the early morning crisp air.

phurst

When I see a posting where someone prefaces with first draft. Spelling errors. Grammer errors, I usually just skip by. It is very hard to critique anything full of garbage. Clean it up first. Do the work first. Then ask us to do some work for you. If you are searching for instant gratification, this is the wrong place and the wrong method. I'll do the first paragraph because I hate seeing a zero reply post but from an initial scan, it NEEDS ALOT OF WORK.

Sinking(What does this mean?) his beer, Kieran lets of a slight sigh of unwanted Manhood(What does this mean? sigh of unwanted Manhood? I really have no clue) followed by a burb,(burb? You mean burp, belch?) rasing his dark eyebrows to the table of Martin, AB, Jackie, Cabi, Fraser & Derek(need a period)
"fancy (cap Fancy)another one folks?" smilies Kieran to the group, (period not comma)Friday evening has arrived in fine fashion with none of the table(none 'at' the table) having to work, study or be involved in any social or sporting (delete social or sporting)activity the next morning. The evening is free to indulge in alcohol. Placed in the established publican bar called 'The Thistle' , stragetically placed right in the centre of the small 8,000 something(not 8,000 something. How about small town of Lochcarty, population eight thousand and change) populated Lochcarty and with a regularly decent clientel is a fine meeting place for a beer, the pub has a varied mix of punters due to it's location in the centre of town. (wow! What a horrible, run on, long, sentence) The Thistle is usually mobbed with the money wielding allsorts from around 9pm onwards being peak. (But you've already explained the clientel twice already, neither matching this description) The pub, filled with wooden tables, dark brown mahognay stolls, (stools or stolls)a small juke box, two pool tables and the occasional gadge.(don't know gadge.) The Thistle is truly the place to be in Lochcarty with a dull lit lighting(dull lit lighting?), The Thistle is modest by all means , surely with 99% of adolensents from Lochcarty tasting their first legal pint in the pub, has a homely feel and no clicey clientele (fourth time to describe, and now totally different, clientel and now spelled differently) unlike various others in Lochcarty, Jackie has often talked of the need for more pubs instead of the new neon lit bars which are propping (propping or popping)up in every town to be similar to The Thistle. Every member of the group knows someone somehow inside The Thistle, It's an adequate meeting place and is most often the busiest pub in Lochcarty followed closely by the uninspiringly named 'Doon The Lane' 250 yards away down a small side street. The pub is ebbing to it's closure but sitting huddled round a small but sturdy table all are in dual agreement that "one more" might be ok, so off to the bar troops Kieran.
I quit at popping. I think you'll see enough without me going on. You have a total disregard for commas and periods. Speeeling is auto trocious. Fix it and do one or tow re-writes, then come back.

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Do your part, find a 0 reply post and help them out.

I am what I am and you made me that way.

kevin04

Thanks for the input, brutally honest but is there any need in ripping me for auto troucious?
What words did I spell wrong? 'stool' ? , Yes it was 'Propping' I wanted to say.

'Unwanted manhood' - growing up -
Gadge - never read an Irvine Welsh book?

I agree that I have a large amount of work to do on my grammar.

Cheers anyhoo's.

phurst

You have 8 words mispelled in the first section alone. My point it to clean it up first. Use spell check. I assume you are using a computer.
rasing, smilies, stragetically, clientel, mahognay, stolls, adolensents, uninspiringly are all mispelled and that's giving you credit for using burb, gadge, propping, and clicey, none of which I have ever heard of and no I have never read Irvine Welsh.
If Unwanted manhood means growing up, that senetnce sttill doesn't make sense. If you are Engilsh and selling to an English audience, fine. But if you are inclined to go USA also, use common spelling. My spell is horrible too so we either work to get it better or use the technology available.

__________________
Any questions? PM me because I may not return to your post again.

Do your part, find a 0 reply post and help them out.

I am what I am and you made me that way.

kevin04

Hi again,

thanks for your reply again. I wrote the first bit on a 'notepad' so I'll take the advice and transfer it to Word - for the advantage of a spell check.

It's mostly aimed towards a Scottish audience. I am Scottish.

Thanks again, I'll get working on it and maybe post it again once it's hopefully all errored out

take it easy