Rahvin

__________________

Rahvin

Act I


Scene I

Enter Leonidas, governor of Messina, Heroine his daughter, and Beatrice his niece, with a Messenger

Leonidas
Hey look, a letter! [opens letter] Doo dee doo… Don Pedro… killed some people… mighty victory… blah blah blah… coming to visit… Wait, what? Visit here? That arsehole? Tonight!?

Messenger
Um… yeah. He’s pretty close by now… My horse isn’t exactly that much faster than his, you know. Should be here in a few minutes.

Leonidas
Crap. That means I’m going to have to talk to him and everything. Right, better get to knowing some stuff so he doesn’t behead me; how many soldiers got killed?

Messenger
Do you want the prince’s answer, or the real one?

Leonidas
There’s a difference?

Messenger
Yep. The Prince wants me to say that we didn’t lose anyone at all.

Leonidas
And what really happened?

Messenger
Half a dozen survivors.

Leonidas
Six survivors? But it says here that each side had a couple of thousand soldiers!

Messenger
Uhmmm… the prince wrote that, too. It wasn’t so much of a battle as a drunken scrap. They were all down the pub and got into a bit of a scuffle after closing time. A matter of a spilled pint, I think.

Leonidas
Well, what about this bit? It says here that some guy called Claudio has been personally honoured by the Prince.

Messenger
He punched John in the face. Gave him a black eye.

Leonidas
‘John’? Don’t you mean ‘Don John (the bastard)’? He is the Prince’s brother…

Messenger
Nope. Don Pedro commanded that nobody was to call him ‘Don’, after he knocked one of the Prince’s teeth loose. He would have beheaded him, but he didn’t have a guillotine handy, and nobody felt up to going to fetch one. Besides, which, they were all skint.

Leonidas
I bet Claudio’s well chuffed with himself.

Messenger
You could say that. And his family. I told his uncle the other day and the old geezer started crying at me. Took me ages to get him to shut up.

Leonidas
Tears of joy?

Messenger
Not after I was finished with him.

Beatrice
Sorry to butt in, but, uh, has Signor Mountanto returned, or not?

Messenger
Signor who?

Leonidas
How many times have I told you to stop it with that namby-pamby language, Beatrice? Nobody understands what you mean, and it’s bloody annoying.

Beatrice
Hey, shut it. I’m trying to be an intellectual here. I don’t just get nob gags, you know.

Heroine
Uhhhm… do you mean Benedict? That one you said has the tiny-


Beatrice
Shhh! [clears her throat] Ahem. Yes, that is who I was referring to.

Messenger
Oh, yeah, he’s back. Drank Borachio under the table, he did.

Beatrice
Sounds like something he’d do… Bet he was too bloody drunk to even fight anyone afterwards, too.

Leonidas
Oh, stop your moaning.

Messenger
Actually, he broke Comrade’s nose.

Beatrice
Well, bugger me sideways.

Messenger

Don’t say that around him, though. He probably would.

Beatrice
I bloody bet he would. Git. I’d bugger him sideways. With a branding iron.

Messenger
[winces] Ouch… That’s a bit harsh…

Leonidas
Ha ha, don’t mind her, she doesn’t really mean it. [turns to Beatrice and whispers] Never, ever give away secret plans like that, ever again! Understand?

Beatrice
Ooops, sorry. What I, of course, meant was that he couldn’t fight anyone if his life depended on it. I bet I could beat him, at whatever he chose. Fighting, insulting, whatever.

Messenger
Really?

Beatrice
Yep. He couldn’t stick at something if he was made of glue.

Messenger
So… it take it you don’t really like him, then?

Beatrice
Nope. If he tries to come near me, I’ll snap his beaky little nose off.

Messenger
Uhhhmm… Claudio’s bringing him here…

Beatrice
Claudio’s bringing Benedict here? Is he some kind of retarded gibbon, or what? Dammit, now I’ll never get rid of the bloody lecher.

Messenger
Remind me never to offend you…

Beatrice
Don’t offend me. Ever.

Leonidas
Now now, don’t hurt the messenger…

Beatrice
Why would I? He hasn’t offended me. Yet…

Messenger
Don’t worry, I- Oh crap, they’re here already.


Enter Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedict, Balthasar, and Don John (the bastard)


Don Pedro
’Sup noobs?

Leonidas
Um… nothing?

Don Pedro
Cool. [looks at Heroine] This your daughter?

Leonidas
So I’m told.

Benedict
You needed to ask? Is your wife some kind of whore?

Leonato
Shut it, you, or I’ll chop your head off. And not the one on your neck, either.

Don Pedro
Hah, pwned, Benedict, pwned!

[Don Pedro walks off with Leonidas, babbling about some form of tournament involving lots and lots of ‘leet headshots’…]

Benedict
Grumblemumble…

Beatrice
Oh shut up moaning, idiot. Nobody cares.

Benedict
What? Oh, it’s you… I’d forgotten about you… Don’t you ever say anything nice?

Beatrice
No. Especially not to you, when you make it so easy to get the better of you.

Benedict
You need to get laid… I’d do it, but you’re too much of a bitch.

Beatrice
Thank god for that. If you even so much as tried, I’d rip your face off.

Benedict
See, that is exactly why no one hangs around with you.

Beatrice
If they’re all like you, then that’s hardly a bad thing.

Benedict
Jabber jabber jabber… see what I mean?

Beatrice
Just because you can’t think of witty replies.

Benedict
No, I can’t. Too tired.

Beatrice
You’re always too tired. See, that was sexual innuendo. Makes it seem like I’m getting some. Bet you can’t do sexual innuendo.

Don Pedro
[to Leonidas] –and then I was like ‘stfu noob’ and he was all like ‘noooo haxx!’ and I was all like ‘boom headshot!’ and then- [Looks around] What? Why’re you all looking at me like that?

Leonidas
Get used to it. He’s here for a month. And his brother.

Don John
[piercing stare]

Leonidas
Right your princlyness, shall we go inside? I’ve got Call of Duty 4 set up on LIVE.

Don Pedro
Oh excellent! Me first, me first! Me me memememe!

[Exit everyone except Benedict and Claudio]

__________________

Rahvin

Claudio
Hey Benedict, you see Leonidas’ daughter?

Benedict
Um, yeah. What about her?

Claudio
Whaddaya think, eh? She’s hot.

Benedict
Look, d’you want a proper answer, or a sarky comment?

Claudio
Uhh… proper answer.

Benedict
She’s a bit meh, to be honest.

Claudio
You must be joking!

Benedict
Nope. Why, you like her?

Claudio
Hold on a minute, I need to get into the proper pose for my romantic reply… Just got to get the voice right… Laa; no, too deep. Laaa; no, too high. Laaah; there we go, that’s it! Right then:

Benedict
Don’t even think about it!

Claudio
Oh, come on. Don’t be such a spoilsport. Anyway, I think I’ll marry her, so yah boo sucks to you.

Benedict
Marry her? Moron. She might be fantastically rich – or at least, she will be when her old man snuffs it – but that’s no reason to go about marrying people. Especially when their rich parents have still got plenty of life left in them.

Claudio
Fantastically what? Rich? Well that settles it! We’re getting married this week!

Benedict
[facepalms] Do you ever listen? Oh, never mind, here’s the Prince. He must have lost.

Enter Don Pedro

Don Pedro

What you guys talking about?

Benedict
You don’t want to know…

Don Pedro
Oh, go on. Tell me.

Benedict
All right, you asked for it. He [points at Claudio] wants to get married.

Claudio
Yep.

Benedict
I mean, look at him. Who in their right mind would let that near their daughter?

Claudio
Ye- wait, what?

Don Pedro
You’ve been enthralled by some woman?

Claudio
Heroine, Leonidas’ inaccurately-named daughter. She’s hot.

Benedict
So you’ve said…

Don Pedro
Enthralled! Oh no! Right, there’s two ways to get out of this. One; you break the enthralment, or two; you break the woman. Have you got your +15 Ring of Spellbreaking?

Claudio
My what?

Benedict
His what?

Don Pedro
I see… too low level… you should really do a bit of grinding, get our level up. Right, the only way out now is to increase your seduction attribute until you unlock backstab, then get her while she isn’t looking.

Claudio
…

Benedict
What. The. Hell. Are you on about?

Don Pedro
What? Have you never played WoW?

Benedict
No. No we haven’t.

Don Pedro
What??? Never played WoW??? What is the world coming to?

Benedict
Dude, it’s crap.

Don Pedro
Right, that’s it, I’m not talking to you any more. Come on Claudio, we’re going to get you hitched, so you can stab her in the back.

[Exit]

__________________

Jade M

Overall, I liked



If only there was someone around in the real Shakespeare to say that :p

Quote:

Leonato Shut it, you, or I’ll chop your head off. And not the one on your neck, either

One nit: don't you mean Leonidas.

Rahvin

Yeah, cheers for pointing that out. Glad you liked it!

Act 2 will follow shortly...

__________________

Shawn

Brilliant, really. Puts in half of the words what took me a month to understand in the original.

I like the netspeak in the lines; makes it seem like Don Pedro and gang are all web-geeks.

There's not enough of these Shakespeare parodies.

__________________
Sometimes I'm like George Boole at a maybe show.

lin

Reallly? Interesting. There used to be so many of them everybody got sick of them. Like King James Bible pastiches.

Probably something that runs in cycles.

__________________

Rahvin

Scene II


Enter Leonidas, meeting old Anthony, his brother

Leonidas
Hey, Anthony, have you got the entertainment sorted for tonight?

Anthony
Yup. Got a band and fireworks and everything. There’s something I meant to tell you, though.

Leonidas
What? It better be good.

Anthony
Well, I overheard the Prince telling Benedict and Claudio that he needed to ‘increase his seduction skill’, after your daughter was mentioned. And that’s Don Pedro speak for-

Leonidas
Bloody hell, he wants to marry Heroine! And he’s loaded! We’ll be rich! Rich I tells ya! Lots of moneys and lots of stuffs! Yes! I always knew that lazy daughter of mine would come in handy some day!

Anthony
Well, I wouldn’t jump to conclusions…

Leonidas
What? We’ve got plans to make! I’m off to tell Heroine, before she screws this up.

[Exit]





Scene III


[Enter Don John the bastard and Comrade, his comrade]

Comrade
What are you moaning about this time?

Don John
Everything.

Comrade
Not again… be sensible, for once, will you?

Don John
No. Go away. I’m sad.

Comrade
Look, there’s a bloody party tonight. Stop looking so bloody mardy, or you’ll get us chucked out.

Don John
Not talking to you. La la la, not listening, not listening.

Comrade

Look, stop being such a bloody emo and come to the damn party.

Don John
Can’t.

Comrade
Why not?

Don John

I’m a bastard. It says so in the script.

Comrade
So?

Don John
Bastards don’t go to parties, stupid. Besides, I bet I won’t even be able to screw up one single person’s life.

Comrade
Oh stop it. Next thing you know, you’ll be cutting your wrists. Just come to the party. There’s fireworks.

Don John
Fireworks? Excellen- no, shut up. I’m sad, remember? If I can’t make other people sad too, then I’m not coming. You go and be friends with all those damn hippies.

Comrade
Look, just put up with it. Besides, there’s loads of people at the party. You’ll be able to ruin plenty of lives. And we get free beer if we’re with a royal.

Don John
Ruin loads of lives? Fireworks? Free beer? Fine, I’m in. Hold on, here’s Borachio.

Enter Borachio

Still hung over, Borachio?

Borachio
Only a little bit. But that’s not why I came here. I just needed to tell you that you can screw up a marriage, if you want.

Don John
It’d be something to do, I suppose. Who’s getting hitched?

Borachio
Claudio.

Don John
That idiot? Right, we’re off. I’m going to get him back for that black eye he gave me. Who’s the bride?

Borachio
That Heroine, Leonidas’ daughter.

Don John
Wow. That was quick. How’d you find out?

Borachio
When I woke up this morning-

Comrade
This afternoon. It was nearly three before we could get you to open your eyes.

Borachio
This afternoon, then, whatever. Anyway, when I woke up, I heard your brother and Claudio go past yapping on about something. I heard the word ‘seduction’ mentioned, so I tagged along behind them a bit.

Don John
Right then, we’ve got to get going. We’ve got a wedding to ruin. With me?

Comrade
As long as you’re still paying.

Don John
Right then, off we go. We’ve got a party to crash.

[Exit]

__________________