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Old 04-18-2008, 11:45 PM   #1
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Silvers ~ (Through Chapter 1)

Chapter 1: Premonition


The night air was crisp, tasting so clean on the tip of my tongue. As I exhaled a plume of fog spewed from my mouth, swirling in the trivial breeze. I watched it drift to the heavens, meeting the stars as it rose out of sight. That night was my night, the night in which the full moon’s light glanced off the puddles that littered the ground. Sweet rain seemed to cleanse the world, freeing it of the burdens that are pollution and dust. It puts a damper on the harshness that we call Mother Nature.

Jasper’s strong arm was twirled around my waist, hugging his body close to my slight form. Rooftops tend to be uncomfortable places to perch, but with Jasper at my side I did not notice the pain caused by the little layers of shingles. Sighing I placed my head on his shoulder and stared across the small lake that was the center of our town, Gaze, Colorado.

Gaze was a small town, and an isolated one too. From the nearest highway, one would have to drive over 20 miles on an unpaved and rocky trail just to get to its outskirts. Once there, however, one would find a haven for those that considered a remote living-place necessary. Not much goes on in Gaze; there were never many groundbreaking events. In fact, the biggest events ever to shake our little town were the annual (more often than not bi-annual) blizzards that trapped us with walls of snow.

Though Gaze was small, that never meant it wouldn’t be the target for strange activities. That night would be that one slip of the snow that would lead to a slide and then an avalanche. Avalanches, however, are completely natural; our avalanche would be far from natural. Not only that, but far from normal as well.

As we rested upon the slippery top of the building I called home, something was taking place all the way across the valley Gaze lies in. I felt a wave come over me, a wave that has become all too familiar to me, a wave that never fails to send me spiraling into the blackness we call unconsciousness. In that blackness I saw. I saw it all.

*****

“She sees... and walks dreams,” a voice rasped. Shadows licked its figure, hiding it from view, cloaking it in the very substance that it fed on. Darkness. Its heavy breathing wasn’t the only other sound in the murky cavern; another’s scratchy inhalation was present as well.

“Who is the other?” a second being questioned, its voice more abrasive than the first.

“I don’t know, but time will reveal everything. Call your troop, and follow the girl. Don’t kill her, we don’t know what repercussions may result from that.”

“Finally. We’ve been restless,” the second creature muttered. It scuttered through the shadows again, out of a hole in the rocky cliff side. The being looked simple, almost like a feline creature of some sort. It moved with incomparable smoothness, quickness, and surety and seemed to know exactly where to place its feet in the rocky landscape, despite the darkness. Then it sunk through the bracken, hidden again by shadows that seemed carved into the night.

*****

My eyes flew open again, showing me once more the world I had been glancing upon earlier. The town was still there; the lake was still reflecting the star-coated sky. All was fine in Gaze, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t be for long.

How clueless I was that night, I hadn’t any idea about what was to happen, about what was to come. So, as Jasper and I clambered in through a second story window, I caught the last glances of Sprinter’s Lake. I had no clue that they’d be the last glances without paranoia lurking in the back of my mind.

My feet thudded to the hardwood floor in the upper office of my house. Jasper followed right behind me, and, instead of his feet clomping on the ground, his shoes made hardly a sound. I turned to the window and slowly lowered it till it clicked in its rusted brackets. My eyes fell upon the thousands of little lights, the portrait of the night sky, mirrored upon the glossy surface of Sprinter’s Lake.

“It’s beautiful. It’s like some sort of chaos, reigned in and shown to us on a surface pure as glass,” Jasper whispered into my ear, his lips brushing against my skin. I leaned back into him, feeling as if I had fallen in love for the billionth time. He was the rock in my shaken life, he had been my rescuer when gloominess had taken over. He was my ever-loyal husband. Jasper Valek Sterling, my savior.

“You don’t need to talk like that,” I replied, twisting around to face him. His glistening, raven blue eyes seemed to penetrate too far into mine, but I held his gaze. In place of the infiltrated feeling I always thought I’d develop, I always felt more relaxed as he appeared to probe my mind. His hair felt soft beneath my wiry fingers, twirling with ease, under my control.

“Talk like what?” he questioned, giving me that innocent look I received all too often. I almost started to giggle. Those puppy dog eyes were showing obvious amusement.

“You know what I mean. Quit talking like you’re some... some genius! You know it... it...” I couldn’t finish my sentence as I began to burst into the laughter I had previously tried to withhold. It never worked. Jasper’s mouth curled into a smile, a rare event in it self, but an even more rare event followed. Jasper clutched my shoulders and drew me against his firm chest.

“Jillian...” he murmured. “I’m sorry but I have to go. You know that.”

I nodded, turning my face back to his. My eyes had to be brimming with tears. To my great surprise he leaned into me, pressing his lips to mine. With that he seemed to jolt away and took a slow walk down to the main floor. He looked back once or twice to give me longing looks, but continued his steady stride downstairs. Watching him go, I felt a droplet slide out of the corner of my eye. Just one tear slipping down my cheek.




S'okay. The idea for this story just kinda popped into my head this evening and I just began to write. I hope to post what's next soon. Any and all comments (negative or positive) are welcome. Thanks.

ShatteredGlass <3
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:19 AM   #2
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Quote:
The night air was crisp AND tastED so clean on the tip of my tongue. As I exhaled a plume of fog spewed from my mouth, swirling in the trivial breeze. I watched it drift to the heavens, meeting the stars as it rose out of sight. That night was my night, the night in which the full moon’s light glanced off the puddles that littered the ground. Sweet rain seemed to cleanse the world, freeing it of the burdens that are pollution and dust. It puts a damper on the harshness that we call Mother Nature.
Is a breeze really trivial?

You go from talking about pollution and dust to the harshness of nature? The transition is lost here and this sentence seems completely unnecessary. Try to retain nuggets of description, while always focusing on moving the plot forward.

Work on this opening piece to hook the reader. I would have preferred to have started at “She sees... and walks dreams.”

Keep writing!!

Cheers,
Linz
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