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Old 04-18-2008, 12:50 PM   #1
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Ocupation (working title)

This is the first part of a new story I'm working on I'd like to know what you think please coment thanks.


They arrived in my small town in June. The war had already been on since March only three months old. No fighting was done inside the town leaving it relatively untouched physically at least. No real open resistance to the occupiers existed in the small town of Deckridge, but in the same token I can not say that the soldiers walking the streets were the most well liked people in town. I now lived in a world were there was no longer friendship of a town and it’s people but of the intense hatred of people we had never met but we knew they were the enemy. There are many stories of the Patiean invasion of Cromiscia and they are all very good tales but this one is special. My name is Erick Roken and this is my story.

* * *

“I can see them coming up the road!” somebody yelled from the crowed that had gathered in the street.
From my perch on the roof of an apartment building at the edge of the town I could see the Patiean tanks coming up the road. “They’re huge!” I said to myself quietly not wanting any of my friends around me to notice my even remote interest in the machine. After all it was the enemy and any positive thoughts would be looked down upon even if it was just a machine.
When the Patieans arrived in Deckridge it was almost surreal. We had been at war with them and we knew it was close but I don’t think anybody really thought they could possibly take the town it was, I suppose, just not something people could think could happen but it did and we were all taken by surprise in one way or another.
“Those bustards!” Matt commented far too loudly to be to himself. He always had a way of letting others know how he felt and he usually tried to hide it, but most of the time we could tell.
The column of vehicles and men made there way down Main Street in no particular hurry after all there was no body to fight. The Army’s official statement was that at the time there were not enough troops in place in our area to make holding Deckridge a priority. Whether that was the truth or not, it didn’t make much of a difference now. Some had turned out to watch the invaders march into town but others in their disgust of such a thing simply stayed home.
“We should get going home, or at least out of here.” Emily said in the soft voice she always used. I don’t think she would yell even in a crowed, and she never lost her temper. Calm and collected that was the way she was.
“Ok, I guess” I replied.
We made our way along the back alleys to get to our neighborhood. Even though personally I was actually interested in these people from another land my friends were not and I thought it best to keep quiet and jus follow along for now. I figured sooner or later I would get my chance to find out more, but it would most likely be from just people talking in the restaurant I worked in and lived above. My father owned it, well not my real father. I was adopted when I was young so he and his wife were pretty much my real family.
Of course I had seen some interesting things happen in that joint so who knows what I could find out. “Besides,” I thought, “I just want to see those machines up close.”
I had always had a strange fascination with machines. I had by this point in my life taken apart nearly everything in the restaurant that had gears, belts, or wires. I had also messed with a great many things that didn’t. I got in trouble some times but since I always managed to get it back together my father got less worried about me doing it.
We walked out onto the street were my home was. And true to form it smelled delicious, mostly from the bakery just a few buildings down from my house. But not true to form it seemed oddly quiet. I walked briskly across the street and opened the door to the restaurant.
“It’s empty.” Emily said in here quiet way. One thing the restaurant was not was empty even on a slow day. Joshua, my father, was standing behind the bar cleaning glasses.
“Where is everybody?” I asked.
“They decided to stay home today I guess,” he said with heaviness in his voice, “I don’t blame them.”
“I hope this doesn’t go on for to long. I mean people have to get back to there business right?”
“I hope so.” He sighed, “Why don’t I make you kids something to eat?”
“Thank you that sounds nice.” Emily said.
“Erik come over here help me please” I walked back behind the bar into the kitchen. Dad started up the grill and I went to get some ground beef out of the freezer.
“How do you think business will hold up?” I asked.
“It will be alright, don’t worry yourself.”
After I had finished making the meat into patties I let him grill it. I walked back out in to the restaurant.
“How’s that grub coming I’m starving?” Matt grumbled.
“Just keep your shorts on.” I quipped back. Emily sat quietly across the table from me. She was rather pretty even beautiful you could say. Not the athletic type she was smaller with light skin, blonde hair, and soft blue eyes. “Oh well I don’t have a chance anyway.” I thought to myself. Just then the door to the restaurant swung open and the bell rang.
“Thought I would find you here.” Katy walked in the door with her usual cheeriness. “So what’s for lunch?”
Just liked Matt she always seemed to be thinking with her stomach. My father came out with the food. We sat, ate and talked for a little bit. But then the question finally came up.
“What happens now?” Emily asked very quietly as if saying it to loud would bring some horrible thing upon us.
“I don’t know.” I answered thinly.
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Old 04-18-2008, 01:11 PM   #2
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You've got a good start here.

The sentences could use a good scrubbing, but as this is a first draft, that is to be expected.

The important thing is to keep writing. I can already see the comraderie of the small group of friends and the animosity towards the invading enemy. Just build off from that and remember that the relationships between the characters are the most important thing. If that is strong, everything else can play off from that.
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Old 04-18-2008, 04:21 PM   #3
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Looks Good !

Ungood.
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