Some feed back on a prologe please - Writers Forum

Mobious1 · 04-15-2008, 06:47 AM

This is the prologe for a new Military/Sci-Fi story I'm writing I'd like to know what you all think of it.

Soldier

The tiny room was stiflingly hot compared to most places that Lieutenant Reggs was used to working in, but this minor inconvenience was worth the pay. Being a tech officer watching over computers all day suited him just fine and if he had to sit in this little room in the basement of this squat grey building he called work then he would do it. Today had been relatively uneventful with the most excitement being Major Keating spilling his coffee. Just then an encoded message started to scroll across Reggs’s screen. As he studied it he found it contained a code he was familiar with. “Odd?” he thought to himself, “Dam code writers change this crap and don’t tell us. Well, that’s the nature of the job.” The Major wasn’t in the room at the time so Reggs picked up the phone and dialed in house to find him. Inside of a minute Major Keating strode into the room. “The army dose work fast these days.” The Lieutenant thought to himself.
Major Keating was, unlike Reggs, not the lover of technology. He was an old warhorse and had spent more time in the field than at the desk. He would have certainly rather been out as a ground pounder than sitting here in this room but it was either that or retire and he had decided he wasn’t ready to do that just quite yet. His steps fell heavily on the concrete floor but in an odd way he carried his two hundred pound mass in a rather graceful manner. “What is it Lieutenant?” the words came from deep in his chest.
“Well sir,” Reggs said, “I have a transmission here and I’m not familiar with one the codes in it.”
Keating bent down from his six foot stance to Reggs’s computer and read down the code. The code was actually rather short for what usually came into this room and read very simply: “Op. fail\ Recall\ Off map\ Barcode lost”.
“You see sir I understand it means we have a failed Op. and to recall that particular unit but off map and barcode lost, sir I’ve never seen that before.”
“I don’t know it either I’ll contact Colonel Stallworth to find out what’s up you just sit here and see if anything else comes through.” Keating walked over to the telephone and dialed out to Colonel Stall worth’s command office. A few rings passed.
Stallworth picked up to the phone for the tenth time already this morning. “Colonel Stallworth speaking.” He said in the nicest voice he could manage today.
“Sir it’s Major Keating from supply group Delta.”
“Supply group Delta.” he thought to himself. What the Major had referred to as Supply group Delta didn’t exist. What it was, was a coding center where all secure messages of the highest priority come through of course you wouldn’t want every body who could hack a phone line knowing that at least not right away. The line was even before the Colonel picked up the phone being isolated and cut off from any network to prevent leaks. If they had a problem he was worried. “What is it?”
“Well sir we received an unfamiliar code this morning and I was calling you up to find out what the hell it is.” Keating said.
“Alright shoot.”
“I’m sending it to you now.”
The same coded message that had appeared on the Lieutenant’s screen earlier this morning now appeared on the colonel’s. As he read the message a chill ran down his spine. “It’s just a screw up. Disregard it.”
“Yes sir.” Major Keating hung up the phone.
Stallworth immediately closed down his computer and strode out of the room at a pace nearing a jog. He made his way down the hall to another office similar to his. He didn’t even bother knocking. He stepped into the room and found General Grosslend sitting at his desk.
“Don’t you ever knock colonel?” Grosslend slightly annoyed.
“Sir our coding station received an off map this morning.”
“Yes we have had off maps before so we missed catching this one before some glass eyed electronics technician picked it up they don’t know what it means you did tell them to disregard right?”
“Yes sir I did but they also received another of our codes.” Stallworth paused for a moment.
“Well come on out with it man.” The General’s patients were wearing thin.
“Sir we’ve received a barcode lost signal.”
That made Grosslend nearly jump out of his seat. “You mean to tell me…”
“Yes sir, we’ve lost a ghost.”

Ungood · 04-15-2008, 08:27 AM

I don't do grammar... so let me look at the mechanicals of this...

I want to start off by saying this is a nice story arc, open to some serious fun and could be a joy to read.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mobious1

This is the prologe for a new Military/Sci-Fi story I'm writing I'd like to know what you all think of it.

Soldier

The tiny room was stiflingly hot compared to most places that Lieutenant Reggs was used to working in, but this minor inconvenience was worth the pay. Being a tech officer watching over computers all day suited him just fine and if he had to sit in this little room in the basement of this squat grey building he called work then he would do it. Today had been relatively uneventful with the most excitement being Major Keating spilling his coffee. Just then an encoded message started to scroll across Reggs’s screen. As he studied it he found it contained a code he was UNfamiliar with. “Odd?” he thought to himself, “Dam code writers change this crap and don’t tell us. Well, that’s the nature of the job.” The Major wasn’t in the room at the time so Reggs picked up the phone and dialed in house to find him. Inside of a minute Major Keating strode into the room. “The army dose work fast these days.” The Lieutenant thought to himself.
Major Keating was, unlike Reggs, not the lover of technology. He was an old warhorse and had spent more time in the field than at the desk. He would have certainly rather been out as a ground pounder than sitting here in this room but it was either that or retire and he had decided he wasn’t ready to do that just quite yet. His steps fell heavily on the concrete floor but in an odd way he carried his two hundred pound mass in a rather graceful manner. “What is it Lieutenant?” the words came from deep in his chest.
“Well sir,” Reggs said, “I have a transmission here and I’m not familiar with one the codes in it.”
Keating bent down from his six foot stance to Reggs’s computer and read down the code. The code was actually rather short for what usually came into this room and read very simply: “Op. fail\ Recall\ Off map\ Barcode lost”.

Ok... right now... I would suggest that you go and look up "Military Slang" and code words... I might even suggest looking into the history of some of the terms so you can work with them...

The "Op. fail\ Recall\ Off map\ Barcode lost"

Too bland to tell the truth.

Here is a starting link

Quote:

“You see sir I understand it means we have a failed Op. and to recall that particular unit but off map and barcode lost, sir I’ve never seen that before.”

Quote:

“I don’t know it either I’ll contact Colonel Stallworth to find out what’s up you just sit here and see if anything else comes through.” Keating walked over to the telephone and dialed out to Colonel Stall worth’s command office. A few rings passed.
Stallworth picked up to the phone for the tenth time already this morning. “Colonel Stallworth speaking.” He said in the nicest voice he could manage today.
“Sir it’s Major Keating from supply group Delta.”
“Supply group Delta.” he thought to himself. What the Major had referred to as Supply group Delta didn’t exist. What it was, was a coding center where all secure messages of the highest priority come through of course you wouldn’t want every body who could hack a phone line knowing that at least not right away. The line was even before the Colonel picked up the phone being isolated and cut off from any network to prevent leaks. If they had a problem he was worried. “What is it?”
“Well sir we received an unfamiliar code this morning and I was calling you up to find out what the hell it is.” Keating said.
“Alright shoot.”
“I’m sending it to you now.”
The same coded message that had appeared on the Lieutenant’s screen earlier this morning now appeared on the colonel’s. As he read the message a chill ran down his spine. “It’s just a screw up. Disregard it.”
“Yes sir.” Major Keating hung up the phone.
Stallworth immediately closed down his computer and strode out of the room at a pace nearing a jog. He made his way down the hall to another office similar to his. He didn’t even bother knocking. He stepped into the room and found General Grosslend sitting at his desk.
“Don’t you ever knock colonel?” Grosslend slightly annoyed.

NO... a Military man does not BREAK protocol like this and to just walk in on a general... so not going to happen... that is a good way to stay a private.

Quote:

“Sir our coding station received an off map this morning.”

Quote:

“Yes we have had off maps before so we missed catching this one before some glass eyed electronics technician picked it up they don’t know what it means you did tell them to disregard right?”
“Yes sir I did but they also received another of our codes.” Stallworth paused for a moment.
“Well come on out with it man.” The General’s patients were wearing thin.
“Sir we’ve received a barcode lost signal.”
That made Grosslend nearly jump out of his seat. “You mean to tell me…”
“Yes sir, we’ve lost a ghost.”

Too... civilian... if you ask me... the Military men dealing with special Opts would not be like this... they are hard people ready for "All hell to break loose" type of people.

Just need to make me think this is "real" and your ready to rock.

Ungood.

Mobious1 · 04-15-2008, 12:26 PM

Thanks for the link I'll definatly use it but on the note of military protocal I understand how that works and events like walking in on a General would never really happen but I was trying to show a devient from the norm. I was just suposing that this would be like a project that isn't on the record even withen the military if you know what I mean. And I was trying to show how sierious this event is I mean to cause a person to just walk in on a General but I supose that is just a bit far fetched.

Ungood · 04-15-2008, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mobious1

Thanks for the link I'll definatly use it but on the note of military protocal I understand how that works and events like walking in on a General would never really happen but I was trying to show a devient from the norm. I was just suposing that this would be like a project that isn't on the record even withen the military if you know what I mean. And I was trying to show how sierious this event is I mean to cause a person to just walk in on a General but I supose that is just a bit far fetched.

Fair enough... but this does not play out well..

Quote:

He didn’t even bother knocking. He stepped into the room and found General Grosslend sitting at his desk.

Quote:

“have you forgotten how to knock colonel?” Grosslend slightly annoyed.
“our coding station just received an barcode lost... Sir!.”

Make this seem like this a special case... the "don't you ever" made it seem like he did this all the time. HIT HIM.. Hit me! "HEY... The Fan Just got Smacked with Fecal Matter !"

This is special... play it up..he is not going to patty cake with some lame "Off the Map" when he has a "Barcode Lost" on his hands... you know... and if he just walked in on the general.. he BETTER put his biggest gun first..

Just FYI... lays it on and looks more "Military" presses the "This is Big!" issues that you want to put out... so big that some petty officer is going to barge in on a general.

Ungood.