VengefulDistain

I awoke with my face on the pavement, blood spilling from my lip. Looking around I realized the four boys had gone, leaving me broken and bloodied on the ground. Bugs fell from my hair to the ground as I got up. Scuttling away, they retreated into the cracks in the pavement, hiding in fear from a quick death humans usually give them.
I was not looking forward to going home, my dad is not the kind that will pity me or feel obliged to look after me if I am hurt.
I looked around. My bag, laptop, wallet and phone had all been taken. Books lay strewn on the floor, papers ripped and crumpled. I had a report due tomorrow in history and my teacher, Mr. Logan, was going to kill me. Searching the mess I figured it must be amongst the shreds of paper, but that was the least of my worries.
Walking home wasn’t going to be pleasant, as my shoes were missing and I had to walk through the dodgy neighbourhood, which was often strewn broken bottles and old peices of metal to get home.
Then I saw this odd looking man, sitting on the school fence. I immediately turned in the opposite direction, wanting to get away from him since he cast a malevolent aura around him and a feeling of unease crept in. I can usually sense when bad things are going to happen and I started to feel dizzy with trepidation. I turned my head slightly and saw he was following me, so I started to run. I looked over my shoulder and saw he was still walking behind me, but somehow he was getting closer. Layering on the speed, my surroundings started to blur. I was gaining speed. Light and sound rushed past my eyes and ears until all I could see was the view in front of me. My peripherals were a mix of colours as buildings and trees whizzed by, faster than I had experienced before. The feeling of dread increased as I reached the saftey of my house and halted to a stop. I delved my hand into my pocket and ripped out the key. Stabbing the key into the lock I heard a chuckle behind me. I turned my head, beads of sweat dripping into my eyes.
“Found you” and at that moment the man grabbed me into a tight embrace and everything went dark.
The floor disappeared from beneath us, and we fell, swirling into oblivion. I felt like all the happiness from the world had been drained and all that was left was death, hate, greed and desire. It was almost as if these emotions were emanating from the man. Then it stopped.
Colour flooded in all around me, and bright light burned my eyes. Spots appeared in my vision and I fell to the floor, blinking to get rid of them. They slowly receded, and it took me a few seconds to realise I had been let go.
I was in a grey, dank room filled with the smell of wet, rotting timber. The floorboards creaked as I stood up and looking around, I realised the man was standing, staring at me like he was staring deep into my soul. His shirt lay on the floor.
“You will co-operate...or you will die”
I looked at him, unable what to think or say as he pulled out a double barrelled shot gun, “There will be a leakage in your body if you don’t take off your clothes and sit in my lap” he replied as he got up and sat down on the end of the bed. Unzipping his pants, he motioned to the space in front of him.
My heart pounded as I looked around; there was only a window in this room. Walking towards it, I looked out into the open space below.
We were hanging out on the edge of a cliff, in the middle of nowhere.
“Put your clothes down there, where you’re standing” he nodded towards the floor in front of me. I moved away from the window, “And if I don’t?” as soon as I’d said that he shot at me. A spray of tiny bullets shot from the barrels and blew the window clean out of the wall.
“Your head will be next”
I took off my socks, since my shoes were still missing, and dropped them on the floor in front of me. I took my shirt off and undid my belt buckle.
“And your pants”, he said, as he stared at my bare chest, which I must admit is pretty good as I had abs, and looked down at my crutch.
I slid off my pants and stood there in my boxers. Walking towards him, I hid my belt in my hand, behind my back, touching my stomach with the other. I stopped in front of him.
“You’re much nicer that I thought” the paedophile said, practically drooling as he stared me up and down.
Whipping the belt out, I smacked the side of his head with the metal buckle and he fell to the side and moaned, the gun still in his hand. I kicked his stomach and smacked his head with the buckle again, hoping to knock him out. He screamed out, “You mother fucker!!” and swung his leg out, hitting me feet and knocking be over, “I’ll fucking kill you and rape your family! I’ll murder your elders and make sure that your blood line is wiped from society!!”
I slid back and staggered to my feet, feeling dizzy. I had already been beaten up today and now it was taking its toll.
The paedophile was standing in front of me, slouching slightly with blood dripping from his temple. He lifted his hand and I flew across the room and hit the wall, suspended in mid air as he raised his gun. “You would have been a good fuck”, and as he pulled the trigger I closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable.
A white light filled my eyelids, searing them with pain. Red spots appeared, yet I opened them. The room was filled with white light and an African looking man stood before me, smiling.
“Is this heaven?” I managed in a whisper. He laughed like this was the funniest thing he had ever heard.
“Boy, this isn’t heaven. I am here because it is not your time to die. You life is important, you are destined to save the world…again”
“Wha...what do you mean ‘again’?” I stuttered.
“I cannot tell you, for that is not mine to tell”
“Then what is?”
“That the world is ruled by the light and the dark, the Saviours and the Reapers. Saviours protect the world from darkness and the Reapers steal the light and replace it by darkness. Saviours are not chosen but given their status. This usually happens in an act of good, or if a great power is used for good. Reapers are created when all the light is stolen away from one’s soul, they become the darkness”
“That sounds a bit cliché” I shouldn’t have said that.
“How dare you criticise the Light. It may be cliché but people die every day because of this war!!! If you don’t want to help then I will let you die in the hands of this…this paedophile!” the African screamed at the top of his lungs.
“Alright, ok. I’ll listen”
“…I am here,” he said in a calm voice after a minute, “to unlock your hidden potential, you ‘powers’”, and as he said this he placed his hand on my forehead, a warm buzz pouring into my skull.
“Goodbye” and he was as gone as quickly as he’d left. The white light in the room dissolved from the room. The paedophile was standing there, his gun pointing at me, but this time I could see ripples of energy flowing from his hand that held me to the wall.
“You would have been a good fuck”, and as he pulled the trigger I flung up my arms. The bullets halted in mid air. Staring in wonder at my hand the paedophile’s mouth dropped open in shock. “I thought you didn’t have power! I’ve watched you for weeks and there hasn’t even been an inkling of magic ability from you!”
I smiled, “Think again”, and flicking my wrist, I sent sending every bullet straight back at him. Something made a crack and the paedophile surrounded himself in tendrils of smoke. The floor around him opened up into a hole of darkness, swallowing him up.
I Fell to the floor, gasping. I searched the room, but he was gone. After a while of sitting on the floor, I realised that every now and then the room would ripple and contort, like an illusion. If this was an illusion, then where was I? Walking up to the hole in the wall, I looked down, seeing the vast drop shimmer and I could faintly see a house. Looking like mine.

So I figured it was an illusion, and jumped.

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SEX IN A BUCKET OF KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!!!!

phurst

And your pants”, he said, as he stared at my bare chest, which I must admit is pretty good as I had abs, and looked down at my crutch. - you went off the charts right here. delete - which I must admit is.... till ,and looked down... and its crotch not crutch. He is a guy with a gun making you get naked and you are admiring your abs? Christ!

The paedophile was standing in front of me, slouching slightly with blood dripping from his temple. He lifted his hand and I flew across the room and hit the wall, suspended in mid air as he raised his gun. “You would have been a good fuck”, and as he pulled the trigger I closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable. - sp. pedophile in USA. You hit the wall but after that he aimed while you were still in mid air?

The writing got worse near the end as you obviously got more into the story. Go over it slowly and read to yourself out loud and find the mistakes. Nice concept and not too bad over all.

I see you have several posts for critiques. I hope you are doing your share by critiquing others.

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LolliAdverbs

Slow down... Don't try to get everything in one chapter!

Have you considered describing your character's bad day just a little bit so we can understand a bit more of his character before you go and change his world? It's nice to have a bit of an idea of where he started from in order to see where he ends up at the finish of the story.

Also, I think the angel shouldn't explain everything so immediately. It's good to keep us, and the character since we're learning everything through him, guessing. Maybe just have him say "Save the world again" and "You're not supposed to die"

Quick question: shouldn't the character be more surprised at his magic powers? Or is it in his nature to just accept things like that?

But still, interesting enough that I'll read the next chapter.

Ungood

I have to agree with all of this!

Ungood.

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Greed

You fell into a common literary trap. You tried to condense an overall view of your world into a few paragraphs and it takes from the quality of the work itself. Slow down and revise your writing and this could shape up to be a very interesting concept, albeit slightly disturbing.

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All the great works of the world, known or unknown; Be they bound in leather and scribed on gold leaf or scribbled on a napkin and stowed in some dusty desk drawer, they all started with an idea.

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HippoHead

the dialogue was ridiculously forced
as soon as the african guy turned up, it was like

'hi. you're not gonna die yet. WE ARE AT WAR! AND YOU'RE THE KEY FOR NO REAL REASON! WE'RE GOOD VS DARK PEOPLE! YOUR RESPONSE?!"

"i'M NOT SHOCKED BY THIS! I JUST FIND IT CLICHED!"

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SAY THAT! WE ARE NOBLE!"

*goes back to real world*

'oh look, magic powers... think i'll just accept this!'

..... yeah. still awesome, though :}