Tiegan - Working Title - Fantasy - Writers Forum

Ungood · 04-12-2008, 10:22 PM

This is just a little project I am working on... and I would like to see what you all think. Be honest and brutal if you must. If I suck, tell me I suck, I need to know or I'll have illusions about my skill and that is the last thing I need.

Anyway... this is what I have been playing with... it is a fantasy story that struck me ... still very WIP... so I don't have much... but before I keep going I would like to know if what I have done so far is of any worth.

Thanks for any all responses.

------------

Story has been revised: See Post #12

Thank you all again for all your efforts and revisions.

Ungood.

Wilem · 04-13-2008, 05:19 AM

Ungood, I'll start with saying I liked it a lot so far. Some nice emotion, describing her hatred and pain towards Dane was particularly effective. I'll just go through it.

Quote:

The disgusting irony of words never escaped Tiegan as she woke up to Dane gently rubbing her shoulder. “Wake up… We are home” Dane said casual calm words that seemed to fall from his lips like gentle drops of water(Nice). She wanted to jerk away from him but as her body tensed to move panic filled her that Dane might take her actions as refusal of his advances and punish her. Yes, indeed she was ‘home’, but this was not her home, (If this is a thought you need to take it out of the third person tense) a home was a place you felt secure in, felt loved in, a place that as your own away from the world. This place would never be her home, it is just another prison for her; another cell she would be caged in.

She hated Dane so much at this moment, his touch was gentle and his features seemed to be both soft and caring, why couldn’t he be ugly and deformed and spewing forth spit and venom at her like the hideous thing she knew he was inside(Nice use of imagery). She fought back her revulsion and dove deep into her reserves to do all she could to stop trembling in fear and panic (I don't think 'and panic' is needed. Can keep it if you want) as she submitted fully to his touch and waited for him to move her into what ever position he wanted her in.

She knew that soon enough he would be doing heinous things to her, all the while laughing at her pain. [But still despised everything about the idea that he would he put on this show for her now of being decent or civil, not like it will change anything when the time comes for her to be his little fun plaything, no point in making a display of decency the sale was done and she was his possession now, his little helpless slave.] (Big chunk with no breaks, read it aloud with a single breath. Naturally.)

Dane pulled his hand away from her shoulder and let out a minor sigh as he smiled up at her. “Come… we are home now… and it is time to meet your new master.” He extend his hand to her [as a gesture to help her out of the carriage] (I don't feel this bit's necessary) but Tiegan just looked at it like it was some strange object. She was used to hands, mainly seeing them beat and violate her in ways she wanted to forget, but knew she would soon endure again. She almost never saw a hand extended in kindness and the fear of distrust flared across her face openly towards Dane(Nice). The few times she had received the illusion of compassion it was always to try and drop her defense, to find a weakness within her that could be exploited to intensify her trauma and suffering.

Dane stepped back and gestured in a rather showmen ship manner towards the ground, “By all means.”

She fumbled her way out of the carriage trying to avoid Dane’s hands and body, afraid that touching it might be enough of trigger to receive discipline. Dane just sighed and lowered his arm as he held the door open for her.

“Careful now” He cautioned to her as she fumbled her way to the ground and (Not needed, replace with a comma) clutching the carriage and handrails as best her broken and deformed hands would allow, fighting to keep her balance as her feet had been wrapped and bound in such a way that she could no longer support her weight on them, and was only able to stand on her heels. A cruel smile crossed her lips at Dane’s words of concern. How stupid it sounded for him to say ‘careful now’ , was he worried that she might get hurt by the ground before he had his chance to beat and abuse her himself? (I like the ironic wickedness of this sentence)

Such fake kindness was not even humorous anymore (I don't think it would ever be 'humorous' wrong word I think) to Tiegan. Perhaps Dane was just going though the motions of acting decent because they were out in open, or because of some other stupid formality. Maybe her master did not want her bleeding too soon? Or perhaps he did not want to give the ground the pleasure of hurting her before he did. She thought he was stupid when she first saw him, and now she was sure of it. To think that he would get the pleasure of being the first to hurt her was idiocy, as he was well over a hundred years too late to be thinking such stupid ideas. (The mystery surrounding this makes me want to read on)

For as floppy (floppy? Literally? This gives me the image of large ears...) and easygoing as Dane appeared it seemed that he was surrounding her. Always just inches from wherever she moved. His face [soft and sad] (They don't really contridict each other, so [at the same time] isn't really needed) as his eyes never left her feet watching intently how she moved and stepped. She tried to step down from the carriage with grace and landing on the cobble stone with her heels but a slight slip in her grip on the carriage handrail set her balance off and her bent over toes hit the cobblestones. (re-word please)

Pain exploded though her body (Nice). Her knees buckled as her vision blurred over. She wobbled trying to fall back to her heels and jerked her other leg down (I've had said 'jerking her other leg down') to try and stop her fumbling. In her haste she impacted her other foot into the un giving (unforgiving?) stones and her vision filled with spots of light as the taste of rust filled the back of her mouth (I'm right to assume you mean blood? If so, love it) . She bit hard into her lip to stop her own tears and the urge to vomit as she made every effort to not fall over. Dane cupped his arm around her waist and lifted her off the ground. How she disputed his efforts to lessen her agony. (So far Dane doesn't sound half bad to me. Maybe that's part of the wickedness?)

"Let me pass out and die here you monster" (that's better now its in first person) she wanted to curse at him but only let her body go limp in his arms. (re-word please) She knew better then to speak out against her masters. They would not kill her, they would never give her that pleasure or release of sweet death.

”It’s ok… I have you” he soothed to her as he supported her entire weight in his arm. Dane’s touch sent chills though her, literally, the man felt cold against her skin and she trembled, both physically and emotionally, knowing that somehow she made a mistake. She showed weakness and pain, such things would only excite them to hurt her more.

Well Ungood. I liked it a lot so far. Just a few nits here and there. I'm no grammar Nazi but I did pick up on a couple mistakes, hope I've helped. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Ungood · 04-13-2008, 07:32 AM

Thank you ! Very Helpful ! You have shown me a great deal of things and mistakes I have been making throughout most of this whole mess... Thank you VERY much!

Oh to answer some questions - this the start of a long story about a women 'reclaiming her life' after many years of being a slave - The idea and maybe I have messed this up...is that she just arrived there, first day at the "job' per say... Dane is a new Owner (or an owners "henchmen") that she really knows nothing about yet...so the descriptions of Dane are from her PoV ....not what type of person Dane really is... but how she perceives his actions.

Ungood

Wilem · 04-13-2008, 07:34 AM

You're most welcome.

Jade M · 04-13-2008, 08:50 AM

Green is comments
Blue is bits I suggest you add in
Red is remove

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ungood

The disgusting irony of words never escaped Tiegan as she woke up to Dane gently rubbing her shoulder (Break the sentence up).
“Wake up… We are home,” Dane said casual calm (Mean pretty much the same, use one or the other.) words that seemed to fall from his lips like gentle drops of water. She wanted to jerk away from him but as her body tensed to move, panic filled her that Dane might take her actions as refusal of his advances and punish her. Yes, indeed she was ‘home’, but this was not her home, a home was a place you felt secure in, felt loved in, a place that was your own place? sanctuary? (another word like this) away from the world. This place would never be her home, it is just another prison for her, another cell she would be caged in.

She hated Dane so much at this moment, his touch was gentle and his features seemed to be both soft and caring. Why couldn’t he be ugly and deformed and spewing forth spit and venom at her like the hideous thing she knew he was inside. She (Too many 'she's, use her name) fought back her revulsion and dove deep into her reserves (reserves of what?) to do all she could to stop trembling in fear and panic as she submitted fully to his touch and waited for him to move her into what ever position he wanted her in.

She knew that soon enough he would be doing heinous things to her all the while laughing at her pain. But still, despised (Do you mean 'despite'?) everything about the idea that he would he put on this show for her now of being decent or civil (I'm lost. What are you talking about here? You don't have to overcomplicate things), not like it will change anything when the time comes for her to be his little fun plaything, no point in making a display of decency the sale was done and she was his possession now, his little helpless slave. (You have some good ideas and descriptions here, but it's lost in this monstrously long sentence that I can't make sense of.)

Dane pulled his hand away from her shoulder and let out a minor sigh as he smiled up at her “Come… we are home now… and it is time to meet your new master.” He extended his hand to her as a gesture to help her out of the Carriage. but Tiegan just looked at it like it was some strange object. She was used to hands, mainly seeing them beat and violate her in ways she wanted to forget but knew she would soon endure again (You had a nice sentence, don't make it too long or it will lose the dramatic effect). She almost never saw a hand extended in kindness and the fear of distrust flared across her face openly towards Dane (Don't need this last bit, it's obvious who she distrusts). The few times she had received the illusion of compassion it was always to try and drop her defense, to find a weakness within her that could be exploited to intensify her trauma and suffering.

Dane stepped back and gestured in a rather showmen ship manner towards the ground. “By all means.” (What does he say this for?)

She fumbled her way out of the carriage trying to avoid Dane’s hands and body, afraid that touching it might be enough of trigger to receive discipline. Dane just sighed and lowered his arm as he held the door open for her.

“Careful now,” he cautioned to her as she fumbled her way to the ground, and clutching the carriage and handrails as best her broken and deformed hands would allow., fighting to keep her balance as her feet had been wrapped and bound in such a way that she could no longer support her weight on them and was only able to stand on her heels (Woah, break this sentence up). A cruel (The reader has her down as the victim here,'cruel' isn't the right word. Maybe 'sardonic' or something.) smile crossed her lips at Dane’s words of concern, how stupid it sounded for him to say ‘careful now’. Was he worried that she might get hurt by the ground before he had his chance to beat and abuse her himself (You've already said who)?

Such fake kindness was not even humorous anymore to Tiegan. Perhaps Dane was just going though the motions of acting decent because they were out in open or because of some other stupid formality. Maybe her master did not want her bleeding too soon, or perhaps he did not want to give the ground the pleasure of hurting her before he did (You have mentioned this idea in the above chapter). She thought he was stupid when she first saw him, and now she was sure of it. To think that he would get the pleasure of being the first to hurt her was idiocy as he was well over a hundred years too late to be thinking such stupid ideas.

For as floppy and easygoing as Dane appeared, it seemed that he was surrounding her. Always just inches from wherever she moved. His face was now soft and sad at the same time as. His eyes never left her feet, watching intently how she moved and stepped. (Alright, she's been climbing down the carraige steps for too long now, there can't be that many steps.) She tried to step down from the carriage with grace and landing on the cobble stone with her heels but a slight slip in her grip on the carriage handrail set her balance off and her bent over toes hit the cobblestones. (Review this sentence, read it aloud and you will see the word order doesn't make sense.)

Pain exploded though her body. Her knees buckled as her vision blurred over (How can vision blur over? Just say 'blurred'). She wobbled trying fall back to her heels and jerked her other leg down to try and stop her fumbling (What? Just say she fell, we don't need every detail on how she did it.). In her haste she impacted her other foot ('Impacted her other foot' - doesn't make sense) into the un giving (Ungiving? 'Hard' will do )stones and her vision filled with spots of light. as The taste of rust filled the back of her mouth. She bit hard into her lip to stop her own tears and the urge to vomit as she made every effort to not fall over (Not needed.). Dane cupped (I dont think you can cup someones waist. Try 'wrapped') his arm around her waist and lifted her off the ground. How she disputed his efforts to lessen her agony.

Let me pass out and die here you monster. She wanted to curse at him, but only instead let her body go limp in his arms. She knew better then to speak out against her masters (She only has one doesn't she?). They would not kill her, they would never give her that pleasure or release of sweet death.

”It’s ok… I have you,” he soothed to her as he supported her entire weight in his arm. Dane’s touch sent chills though her literally . The man felt cold against her skin and she trembled both physically and emotionally, knowing that somehow she made a mistake, she showed weakness and pain, such things would only excite them to hurt her more.

Alrightey then.

First off, I'm not really seeing much plot here. You've dedicated a lot of writing to your character waking up and getting out of the carraige, when you could condense it to less that two paragraphs, tops.

Secondly, you give way too much background info. You have as many pages as you need to tell us how abused and unhappy your MC is, you don't need to cram it into the first bit.

Don't use 'she' so much.

You also go on a bit about her hate and mistreatment. If you condensed this piece you could reveal her hate through actions, like when she falls describe her recoiling and glaring at Dane.

Watch your sentences, many are too long, and need to be broken up with commas or even split into seperate sentences.

The bit of plot I did see wasn't too bad, you gave an idea of your MC's character, but the pace is too slow.

I might have missed a few errors, but I'm sure someone else will point them out.

Ungood · 04-13-2008, 09:45 AM

Thank you Jade M for your insight and input! It is much appreciated.

I'll take Note of the fact that it does seem to drag on a bit... I'll take a serious look at it and see what I can do to work a revision to make it flow a bit smoother as I do agree that it does seem a bit viscous right now...

Quick note of a few of your points.

Yes... officially (on paper) a Slave might have only one "Master" but in reality anyone "Above" the slave would be considered a "Master" in their mind frame... IE: Historically Black Slaves would call Plantation Foreman "Master" (Not just the official owners).

Ungood

A-L · 04-13-2008, 10:03 AM

Liked it so far. But I must admit that it did drag just a tad so the pace could be quickened by shortening the least important parts. Other than that, I have no complaints, all of the mistakes were pointed out already and I would like to read more.

gr8writer · 04-15-2008, 01:32 PM

I think it was well written but it didn't really draw me in. Maybe it's cause I don't really like fanatsy stories all that much. That being said, I think you have real talent. Keep up the good work.

Ungood · 04-15-2008, 02:50 PM

Thank you very much for your commentary... I have been reworking it... but it is slow... Writers Block Sucks...

Ungood.

Jade M · 04-16-2008, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ungood

Thank you very much for your commentary... I have been reworking it... but it is slow... Writers Block Sucks...

Ungood.

Ah, yes, I'm having a nasty time with that myself. I'm not short on ideas, I just can't seem to get them down in the way I want.

Ungood · 04-16-2008, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jade M

Ah, yes, I'm having a nasty time with that myself. I'm not short on ideas, I just can't seem to get them down in the way I want.

ME: I have this great Idea for a story, I mean the plots and people have been swimming around in my head for days now and I have put together at least a dozen twists and turns, it starts like this "............."

GAH ! GAH GAH ! "DIE EVIL BLOODY MS WORD!"

My Loving Wonderful Wife: So it starts with "Die evil bloody MS word?" I like it

Ungood.

PS: I revamped Tiagan's Story, thanks for the insight. I look foward to what you have to say this time around.

Ungood · 04-16-2008, 03:59 PM

A story was here.. it has been revised a small bit and put down into post 15, Added a bit more on the end.

As always your Commentary and Brutal Critiques are Welcomed openly and Warmly.

***********

Tell me what you think !

Ungood!

Sparx · 04-16-2008, 06:04 PM

Yeah that was an interesting read. I really want to know more about this Dane character and see what type of person he is. Since this bit is being told through Tiegan's POV then its obivously subjective. I think Dane is different but we'll have to wait and see.

Personally i think this chapter takes too long to get to the point. I mean this chapter is just one scene of the Tiegan getting of the carriage with Dane helping her out. I personally believe you could cut down on some of the exposition. Below are some minor mistakes i came across:

…when her bought her form the auction block-Need to change that first "her" to a he.

But Now(why is this capitalized?) she was sure he was a complete moron.

her remorse as She tried to-why did u capitalize "She"

She dropped her foot down trying to touch the ground with her heel

…but her grip on the carriage handrail slipped set off her balance-This sentence doesn't quite make sense to me. Correct it.

Ungood · 04-16-2008, 07:06 PM

Thank you for the insight, I am looking it over now, I'll add a bit more and see what you all think, this was just the opening, so I wanted a bit more focus on "Her Mind" then "Action" I'll try to get a balance going... thanks!

Ungood.

Ungood · 04-16-2008, 07:36 PM

The disgusting irony of words never escaped Tiegan as she woke up to Dane gently rubbing her shoulder. “Wake up… We are home” The words seemed to fall from Dane’s lips like gentle drops of water. She wanted to jerk away from him but as her body tensed to move panic filled her that Dane might take her actions as rebellion and punish her. Yes, indeed we are at your Home Monster, but this will never be MY home! She cursed at him in silence, a home as a place you felt secure in, felt loved in, a refugee from the torments of life. This place was going to be nothing but a life of torment! Just another prison for her! Another cell she would be caged in until this owner got tired of her screams.

She hated Dane so much at this moment, his touch was gentle and his features seemed to be both soft and caring, why couldn’t he be ugly and deformed and spewing forth spit and venom at her like the hideous thing she knew he was inside. She fought back her revulsion and submitted fully to his touch like a good little slave. The sale was done and she was his possession now, his little helpless slave, there was no point in putting on this façade any longer.

Dane let out a minor sigh as he dropped his hand from her shoulder and climbed of the carriage. Once he was on the ground he smiled up at her. “Come… it is time to meet your new master.” He extend his hand to help her out of the Carriage but Tiegan looked at his outstretched hand like it was some strange object.

Masters don’t offer Slaves helping hands and kindness so seeing Dane stand like some moronic stature with his hand held out she could not stop the fear of distrust as it flared openly across her face. Hope was a fickle mistress never truly letting you go and pangs of wanting to trust Dane crept into her. He seemed different, for now. The few times she had received the illusion of compassion it was always to try and drop her defense, to find a weakness within her that could be exploited to intensify her trauma and suffering. You can’t Break what is already Broken Idiot! You can’t rape the willing either! Just do it! Or is that your stupid Problem! I am too willing for you! She wanted to scream at him ‘You want my tears and my fight? Too Late! Stupid!’ her mind filled with the words but her lips fell dead silent.

Dane stepped back and gestured in a rather showmen ship manner towards the ground “By all means”

She fumbled her way out of the carriage trying to avoid Dane in every way afraid that touching him the slightest manner would be enough of trigger to excite or anger him. ‘Please, just put me in a corner and I’ll be quiet, I promise’ She wanted to beg but knew such pathetic pleas for mercy always feel on deaf ears. Dane let out a long sigh as he held the door open for her.

“Careful now” he cautioned to her as she fumbled her way to the ground while clutching the carriage handrails as best her broken and deformed hands would allow. Every movement was a vicious fight for balance, her ankles had been shattered long ago preventing her from walking correctly. As if that was not enough to appease her long list of sadistic owners of the past her toes had been broken and folded over under the pads of her feet preventing her from supporting herself on anything but her heels. A cynical smile crossed her lips at Dane’s words of concern. How hollow it sounded for him to say ‘careful now’, was he worried that she might break something new on the way down and deprive him his on single joy upon her? “Don’t worry your ugly little head Monster, every inch of my skin has felt the pains of abuse, inside and out, there is nothing left for you” she wanted to curse his mock kindness, but such fire has long been extinguished and she nodded focusing on the ground, trying to be careful like Dane told her to, she was a good slave after all, she obeyed her masters commands.

Tiegan let her mind wonder a bit, that maybe he wanted her to be careful was because her new master did not want her whorish blood on his nice clean streets, after all they were very clean streets, not even the hint of dirt or bundles of horse hair on them, they looked pristine like they had just been swept.

Most of the time however new owner wanted the sadistic glee in being the first to hurt her. Have these imbeciles realized not realized they were too late, over a hundred years too late.

Getting out of this Carriage was going to be a task as for as foppish and easygoing as Dane appeared wearing a moronic looking puffy aqua and lavender shirt trimmed with lines of gold tassels which made him look like someone slapped a rainbow sail over his head and tied it on with some rope he had the annoying skill of being able to surround her without seeming to move.

No matter what she did he was always just inches from wherever she moved. “GAH ! Drag me out and rape me or let me do this on my own!” she screamed mutely at Dane wishing that her eye could talk but knowing that if it could she would have neither of them left. Dane stepped back from her with his eyes burning intently towards her feet, such concentration on so soft a looking face seemed surreal to Tiegan.

A single thought wailed though Tiegan’s mind“He heard me! “ as cold fear rippled deep into her chest taking away her air as she began to silently grovel towards Dane “No ! No I didn’t mean it!” praying that Dane could also hear the deepness of her remorse as She tried to step down from the carriage. She dropped her foot down trying to touch ground with her heel.

Panic clouded her judgment of things while her eye was focusing on the overbearing colors of Dane shirt her grip on the carriage handrail slipped throwing her off her balance just enough that her bent over toes rammed into the cobblestone pavers.

Pain exploded though her body. Her knees buckled as her vision blurred. She wobbled trying to fall back onto her heels while jerking her other leg down for balance. Delusional from pain she unwittingly slammed her other foot into the ungiving stones. Her vision filled with bright spots of light as the taste of rust filled the back of her mouth.

She bit hard into her lip to stop her tears and the acid that was bubbled up inside her mouth from spilling forth in fear of messing her new master’s nice clean roads. “Let me pass out and die here you monster!” She wanted to curse at him as she dangled from the handrail of the carriage. Dane said nothing as he glided under her, shifting her arm over his neck and cupping her hips with his hands. Dazed but now supported Tiegan let her entire body go limp to Dane’s touch.

”It’s ok… I have you” he soothed to her. “Please, I’ll be good, I promise, please” she wanted to sob to him but she knew better then to speak out towards her masters. It would only excite them on. Dane let out a minor huff as he shifted his grip and then tossed her over his shoulder. His shoulders were hard and wide for how weak his outfits made him look but gave her a broad platform to rest across as he carried her up the stairs towards the massive doors of her New Masters keep.

Tiegan closed her eyes trying to escape this world wishing that she could just leave behind a lifeless husk for these twisted things that passed themselves off as human.

Tiegan’s world spun and her mind filled with a dense fog as she bounced along on Dane’s shoulder while the two of them passed though the ornate craved black doors. Slamming her eyes shut after looking at the heavy gothic doors for only the briefest of moments. She did not need to see this world around her or that doors had images of daemons and faces frozen in pain craved deeply into it. Tiegan knew exactly what the face of Daemons of Pain looked like; She has been calling them “Master” since she was twenty years old.

Tiegan could not generate enough care to even open her eyes when Dane lowered her off his shoulder. He had not dropped her, quite the contra he dangled her off the ground by slipping his arm under her armpits and holding her in the air like the meat puppet she was to him.

“Let me go! You imbecile!” she wanted to curse at Dane but her flare of bitterness burned out as quickly as it came and all that happened was she dropped her head submitting this display by her Masters. “Hold me, Pease, I’ll be good! Don’t drop me! Please!”she begged Dane with nothing but a soundless tremble of her lips once She finally opened her eyes and realized that her bent over toes where just an inch from dark hard oak floors.

To Tiegan a hard floor right under her pain ridden feet was immensely important, so much so, she began to cling to Dane’s arm. However she could just not drum up enough care about the rest of this place to even look around the room. She learned the truth of her world a long time ago and that was; No matter what location she was at, she was always in the same place; At the mercy of some cruel sadistic owner.

Mercy that would never come.

********

Hope this is better.

Tell me what you all think.

Ungood.