Ungood

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The few times Evrya had been to see the oracle, these strange

Try combining this description like I put out... it is good just chunky...

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The age worn buildings seemed to be made with materials and techniques that were nothing like that used in Morath. The towers had precise angles and lines, with large flat clear rocks, which seemed to serve as see-through protection over the windows. Then the strange cement (poor word choice... Liquid Stone or something... you have expressed that this is old stuff and they only use wood now...so he would not know the word cement... just describe it, it makes it odd that he would use the word of something he doe snot know, it messes up the mechanics of the "World" having lost technology) paths, and large signs that glowed slightly in the dim light. It was all oddly haunting, so very different then the wood that was now used in all of Morath.

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Evrya felt the running of warm blood under (Something is missing here... I am not sure what... but something it missing) fingers clenched in guilt and frustration. The sight of the collapsed skull under the midnight stone (Need to pull this out to me more... what is Midnight Stone... I just went from "Bodied Falling" to this... I need a bit about what Killed the others.. and this is a good time to tell me) was ingrained in his view, reminding him of the reason for this visit. Three dead (Died) that day, all and because of him. Crushed by the Morosia, and only those who where near him, the most excited and proud. It was his duty to protect them, yet now he became their unwitting killer. (Death was a part of life to his people so they) His people, so used to death, cast no blame on Evrya for their loved one‘s passing. Just one more death in the struggle, one more life laid down for the greater good of the Sentra. It was surely a wise attitude, for how was he to know his flames would reach to Morosia, and then actually be able to penetrate it. Besides, kings had for many years been calling the Forfin from that same spot. It was tragic luck, and a testament to his strength that it finally took an effect. (Bring this out more.. PULL EMOTION RIGHT HERE! make me feel his pain and pride at what he did with what he could do) Sakrin and Kreg said much the same. His life now was all that mattered to the Sentra. He was king, and the death of the Sentra his to command. It was one lesson Evrya had always ignored. His role as king was the preservation of the Sentra, and he would not sacrifice then needlessly. Evrya knew war was inevitable, he had dreamed of it for so long. Revenge on the demons that had killed his father, and many of his people. The Red Men, who killed for know other reason then the greed they hold over the sun. Somehow the Morosia left them untouched, an even darker evil. His father’s dream was to move the Sentra south, farther from the wastelands to the north and closer to the source of light and energy. It had almost worked, farms had even begun to grow once more. Then the Red Men came in the night, horrid blood colored beasts with golden hair and strange limbs. Some flew overhead, swooping those mighty clawed wings into the bodies of the Sentra. It hand been a gamble, but Raygefin had thought he was far enough from their lands, and he wanted only peace. Evrya (Knew) what he must do as king. He would follow his father’s dream. This time he would come baring a sword, and make them pay for their evil minds and bodies. (This is good... you have a good moment of "Carrying on the Torch of his Father" right here... and you need to SLAM THIS DOWN... Like you did on the mountain top with his oaths and promises...) He knew it was what he must do. (Double is not needed)The thought of revenge filled him with joy, but he did not do this only for himself. It was the only way for the Sentra to survive. “Instead I’m sent to the Oracle,” he muttered to himself, kicking a mocking shine-rock from his path. He must start immediately, making weapons the (To fight the)fight airborne creatures, planning his attack, readying his people. Evrya had no time for this. “As much as I value your wisdom Kreg, in honestly you must know as well as I that oracle never has anything truly useful to say,” he whispered into the night air. Nervously he took a glance behind him. Even miles from Sentra, it was better safe then sorry. One could never know the plans of that crafty old man. The small cave tucked into the rock side just before the ancient city was where the oracle lived. Almost every clan sought her for advice, and brought her food and drink, yet it seemed all had strangely different beliefs regarding her place. To Kreg, and therefore the Sentra, she was of the highest honor. (this is off.. I have these massive concrete pillars and unique old strange buildings and then a small cave in in a crack... it does not add together) Evrya, though, had never put much stock in her visions. The farms would never re-grow, no matter the praying and rituals performed, not if the sun was unable to touch the ground. (hard to logically have a man wielding fire power - Literally fire power - not believe in "other" kinds of magic... perhaps... he thought she was crazy as opposed to not putting stock in her visions) Instead of calling his name and requesting and audience, he walked towards the two men that stood at the opening of the cave. Neither of the men were of the Sentra, and from their stance they seemed to belong to separate clans. Evrya never learned exactly how guard rotation worked. (Not the way a King would think... especially if he was the "Last Hope" they would drill the heck out of him about all this... to ensure he was ready.. something other then "never learned" would make more sense) They noticed him, and took a slight step forward. Evrya flared the Forfin, lighting the grey sky in a quick flash. They both took a long look at him and stepped back. Regardless of how each clan felt about one another, times were far to desperate to risk war by disrespecting an enemy king. He strode past them and through the mouth of the cave. A small passage lead to the large single room were the Oracle lived. The few times he had been here with Kreg she had always been sprawled on her lavish bed next to a roaring fire. This time is was no different, but now the Oracle appeared to be sleeping. “Oracle, I have come for guidance,” Evrya said loudly. She didn’t stir. “Oracle?” he questioned as he walked closer to her. Her slightly graying hair hung wildly over the bedside. With eyes wide and wild, she shook as bits of salvia flung from her jerking mouth. “What is this!” Evrya yelled as he fell to his knees at her side. Suddenly her eyes caught his, and she seemed to shake a little less violently as her head craned towards his. “Champion…..Morath…” she said, her jaw chattering. “What? What is it? What has happened?” Her mouth broke in pain, and smoke rose from her forehead followed by the smell of burning flesh. The aging woman, who was surely a great beauty in her youth, closed her mouth courageously, stifling the sharp cry that escaped her throat. “A true vision…” the Oracle said. Her eyes went cold, and her body still. (Ok quick point... this really can't work if this is what "true vision' would do this to her ... if this is the case then most likely she would have burn marks/Scars with words all over her body.. or at least emblems and symbols .. if not all over then at least several

Good so far ! I like it!

The grammar needs quite a bit of work... as does the story flow... but mechanically it looks sound...

Ungood.

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Malachi

Great insight once again thank you for your times. A few comments/questions.

About the oracle and her true vision. A true vision is not something that happens often, this is the first in many years. The oracle died from it, and in fact it was the only reason her bloodline was kept alive. Is this not clear? Does it sound dumb?

The chunky details in the beginning. I read it over and over and can't help but liking in. A long sentence seems to draw me into the story more. Is it bad grammar?

I need a bit about what Killed the others.. and this is a good time to tell me)

Did this clear that up at all or do I still need more you think?

Three died that day, and all because of because of him. Crushed by the Morosia, and only those who where near him, the most excited and proud. It was his duty to protect them, yet now he became their unwitting killer.

The bit about liquid stone, and probably calling in the guards are great points, and are hopefully broadening my horizons and teaching me something. I won't stop till I’m published! One day... Well sorry to ask so many questions, I 'll send a check soon.

Ungood

It is not clear.

I am really not the one to talk about Grammar...

Sorry...



Not really. See the word "Morosia" is not giving me a mental picture, Midnight Stone is... but it is a vague and very incomplete picture. Here is where you tell me what the "Morosia" looks like when it splatters someone from 20,000 feet or something.

No worries... hope I helped...

Ungood.

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