Shadow Council (A bit over 1200 words) - Writers Forum

Monkuta · 04-10-2008, 09:28 PM

I started this story a week or two ago. Part one is actually in the Writer's Workshop somewhere... Anyway, here's one of the latest chapters/installments of it. Because this is later on in the story, there are obviously some things that might not be understood, but I still want people's opinions on it. At the moment, the title is Shadow Council, but I'll probably be changing it. (I wanted to post the whole thing, but I figured no one would want to read the whole damn thing in one sit down, so I'll post bits and pieces at a time.

Basic overview of the story up to this point: Monkuta was charged with the duty of finding the thief of a stone key that will lead them to a mysterious "power." During his search, he met up with his barbarous friend Iunda, and together the two traveled to Aran's Market, where they search for information.
_____________________

Monkuta and Iunda sat at a table in a corner of a bar in the market, sipping at their ale mugs like birds at seed. They were waiting for an informer who supposedly was in league with the thief.
“How in the gods’ name did you get this guy to talk to us?” Iunda asked the ranger across the table, setting down his mug. “It’s not like he could possibly just walk up to us and betray his employer out of nowhere.”
Monkuta was silent for a moment. He hadn’t actually told the informant that he would be snitching on the thief. The man was coming to what he thought was an interview for a robbery. Furthermore, he had no idea how to go about getting the information they needed. “I will not lie. The informant has no idea what we want. Nor do I know how to get it out of him. However, staking out this damnable city for near a month will not be wasted. He knows something and that is the only thing that matters.”
Iunda raised an eyebrow and let his jaw fall open for several seconds, surprised that Monkuta had no idea what they were about to do. Quickly though, he regained his composure and replied, “Improvisation then. Works for me.” And he leaned back in his chair grinning like a mad man as a heavily bearded man in dark green clothes, wearing a hood sat between them at the table.
“You the ones looking for a... delivery boy?” the man asked in a low, gruff voice. His eyes were hidden beneath the hood. This meant he wasn’t an idiot, Monkuta thought. Stay unidentifiable now, that way if all goes south, one has a way out. The two shadows had done the same as they waited for him to arrive.
“Yes. We are. Are you the delivery boy?” Monkuta asked, matching the low volume.
“What’s the job?”
Monkuta thought for a moment, careful to plan his time so the man didn’t become suspicious. “We can’t tell you that just yet. I need some information to make sure you can do it. Ever pull off a major theft? Valuable jewels, priceless artifacts?”
He smirked and laughed a bit. “Your kidding right? That’s the kind of question a spy asks. How do I know I can trust you with that information?”
“You can’t. But if you want to make a good amount of money, you will,” the shadow replies. The two made silent eye contact for a moment. Though neither could see the other’s eyes under the darkness of their hoods, it was clear what had happened.
“Fine,” the stranger said. “Only one major thing recently. A little over a month ago I think, there was a heist from that old temple down in the living forest down South. A guy had me take a some shiny rock from a pedestal in there.”
A fraction of a second later, Monkuta had grabbed the man’s wrist and twisted it hard, flipping his entire body over against the table, knocking it over and sending the man to the floor, unconscious and bruised down his arm and side.. “That’s all I needed to hear in this place. Shall we, Iunda?”
The warrior nodded and looked around the bar. “You know, for a man who claims he had no plan, you handled that rather well. And you didn’t even need my help. Next time, I get to flip the guy upside down,” he said, laughing quietly.
Violence was common in the city so most payed no attention, but when the green and brown shrouded man began dragging an unconscious figure out of the bar, followed by a hulking warrior in black, they did receive some strange looks.
“If there’s one thing I’ll never forget about this city,” Monkuta began, “it’s how the law–or lack there of–always seems to work to our advantage.”
“Amen to that,” Iunda replied.
The two rounded a corner into a back alley, inhabited only by a few rats and a large wooden bin for city trash. Monkuta slung the informant against one wall to make sure he stayed out cold and then looked to Iunda. “I’m going to ‘interrogate’ him. Guard the street entrance, would you?”
Iunda frowned for a moment, as though he was about to raise a protest, but then shut his mouth and unsheathed his giant sword, walking to where the alley met the dirt road of the market, brandishing the large weapon. Such an act would keep all but the bravest, or the most suicidal, away.
Monkuta knelt down before the sleeping man and put down his hood, examining his face closely. Despite the long beard, it was a young man, just now gaining his first wrinkles of age. He had round eyes, which Monkuta fingered open to reveal that they were a dark green color. His skin was very dark which contrasted the blonde hair and beard. “Interesting... This man comes from the North. Very far at that,” Monkuta mumbled to himself.
The ranger slapped him across the face a few times, waking him up into a drowsed state. He could barely move as he regained the feeling in his bruised and tired bones. Monkuta seized this opportunity.
“We’re going to have a little... Q & A session, friend. Don’t try to escape. You may not be restrained but your only exit is blocked by a giant with a big sword. Nod if you understand.”
The man nodded silently, slowly opening his eyes.
“Good,” Monkuta said quietly. “First, your name.”
“Unu Tibash,” the man grumbled out.
“Good... That job a month ago. Who hired you?”
“I don’t know... Some dark robed wizard. I never saw his face.”
“I see. How much were you payed?”
“A few thousand bills.”
“Ah, good. You know your business. Do you know what the man did with the stone?”
“He said he was going to sell it... make a fortune...”
“Sell it? To whom?”
“The highest bidder.”
“That’s bad... Very bad. Where is it being kept until then?
“I don’t know.”
“Damn it... Oh well. I guess you’ve served your purpose then. Thank you for defying what morales you have and betraying you employer for my benefit. If you’re lucky, the two of us will never meet again.” With this sentence, Monkuta pulled his sword half way out of it’s sheathe, ramming the ball of the hilt into Unu’s forehead. The man was unconscious again. Monkuta slid the weapon back into the sheathe and hoisted the man over his shoulder and then into the wooden bin, his fall cushioned by the garbage within.
The ranger worried slightly as the bash had caused his forehead to bleed a little bit, but that would scab over in a matter of hours. He dismissed the thought.
He exited the alleyway, patting Iunda on the shoulder. “Iunda my friend,” he began,” we can finally leave this place. We have to visit Mithrain again. All wizards one-another somehow, and he may be able to help us find our thief.”
Iunda sheathed the giant blade on his back once more and the two headed for the stables near the main gate. “We’re going to hunt down a wizard? How exciting. Of course, assuming he’s violent and more likely insane, we very well might die... Let’s get started.”

So, what do y'all think? I'm looking for feedback in terms of story and mechanics. Be brutal.

Necromortis · 04-10-2008, 10:26 PM

Two major points that I thought I'd bring up:

1. It's virtually impossible to flip someone over using a wrist lock. When your wrist is torqued, your body's natural reaction is to go with it to avoid the pain, so if you're turning a locked wrist to the side, and therefore down, most people will cringe down towards the ground.

2. The interrogation scene needs a lot of work. A hardened thief wouldn't give information up that easily. Or he'd lie. The fact that the ranger just took the thief's word straight off the bat, especially when the thief said the 'I don't know' comments, was very implausible. Personally, I'd have Monkuta ask the thief a question he already knows the answer to, have the thief lie, and have Monkuta indicate he knows when he's lying, etc. Basically, make him have a bit more trouble when extracting the answers.

Mechanics wise, I think your dialogue needs help. Especially that last line. I get what you're trying to do, cast Iunda as a slightly more humorous character, but most of the dialogue is really forced.

I like how the story is written though, I'm a bit tired, but I didn't see many instances of redundancy or wasted words. You do a bit of telling which could be replaced with showing, but not all telling is bad.

The plot so far seems kind of generic though. On one hand, I want to read more. On the other, I'm thinking, 'oh here's another story about two heroes off to retrieve a magical object.' Of course, that is a risk you run with fantasy.

~Christian

Monkuta · 04-11-2008, 02:10 PM

Hm... I see what you mean. Thanks for those points. I don't know much about interrogation or combat, so I assumed a few things.

I'm not sure what you mean about the dialog needing work. Although, I understand the last line seeming forced. When I wrote that part, the scene from LotR where Gimli says something along the lines of, "Exceedingly dangerous, small chance of success, what are we waiting for?" popped into my head. I didn't want to use the line for sake of plagiarism, but I just couldn't think of anything better and it I needed it to end on a funny line, so I tried paraphrasing. Obviously, it was to no avail so I'll think of something else.

What parts could be better shown than told? Not quite sure what you mean by that.

As for generic plot, it gets much better later in the story. Only one remains for the whole story, and the magic rock leads up to the actual plot line.

Thanks for the advice.

thales · 04-12-2008, 11:22 AM

I liked the whole set up. A perfect way to set off a story and give the reader a sense of the characters.

A few details.

This bird eating metaphor didn't work for me. Eating and drinking just aren't similiar. I think if the birds were at a puddle of water, or some liquid, it might not distract me.

I had trouble understanding the dynamics of what was to be known about the meeting. I read it three times, then got it.

Once the converstaion with the thief started, I was pulled in more than any other part of the story. But, I thought it flattened out. It was like everything flowed then my interested waned, even though the action began.