Original Sci-Fi - Current Work - Writers Forum

The Revelator · 04-10-2008, 07:46 PM

This is an original Sci-Fi story that I'm writing, the very beginning. I only have some of it typed, though I have more written, as I have easier access to my notebook than my computer. Some of you who have read my other works realize that I add to much information in the beginning. Let me know how this is, I tried not to over do it and add some extra stuff to offset the info, as well as shorten the info I did add.

(This goes along with the Original Sci-fi story/prologue)

Chapter One

He lay on the ground, prone, with his rifle set up in front of him being supported by a bi-pod under the barrel end of the gun. He had his battle helmet on the ground in front of him, but tilted up towards him so if any communications came in he would be able to hear it. He had an annoying itch under his armor and had to take a few deep breaths, but didn't move. It took a minute but the itch went away. A lit cigarette hung in the corner of his mouth.

Smoking didn't cause damage that his body's health maintenance system couldn't repair relatively quickly. Nicotine had been removed a few hundred years ago anyway, so it was just a nasty habit, not an addiction. Other than that, the general blend of botanical ingredients hadn't changed much in the past two or three thousand years.

Fifteen minutes. The chronometer appeared in the upper left corner of his vision. It would have made him jump if he hadn't been so well disciplined. He still hadn't fully acquitted to visual interface and networking hardware. The internal head gear could be rather handy though, he thought to himself as .

The silent man idly panned his rifle around, looking through the scope to make sure that no enemies had managed to creep up without him noticing. He almost let a tiny smirk work its way onto his face at the though of being sneaked up on. Almost.

He held in a sigh as he extinguished his cigarette very carefully and buried it in a small hole he had scratched out. He ran a hand through his long, jet-black hair. This was the only time he would move, and only to move some loose strands of hair from his face. It was too long to be allowed in any military outfit, but then again, he wasn't really in the military.

He picked up his helmet and fit it back onto his head, bringing his external sensors online and integrating them with his neuro-set . He slowly inched his way forward across the hard dusty ground, being careful not to kick up and clouds, and brought his sniper rifle to bear.

The rifle he carried was unusual. It was four and a half feet long. The long rifle was a custom built H-VPR or High-Velocity Plasma Rifle, more commonly known as the Viper, or would be if it was more commonly known. His was equipped with the elongated barrel and repeating chamber attachment . Vipers could shoot both rifle rounds and plasma bolts.

Ten minutes. He brought up the sensor bots' visual feeds. He had very carefully deployed a string of surveillance sensor-bots two days ago. He looked out at the enemy force moving through the forest in surprising silence for such large beings. The aliens were tall, averaging close to seven feet tall with long lanky forms. They had a curved back though, making them appear shorter than they actually were. They were capable of stretching up to their full height, but rarely did so. They walked on two knobbly legs with inverted knee joints. They had narrow faces with four eyes that that were barely more than slits and would glow orange, with a darker orange pupil . They had mouths, but they were hidden under the chin, or equivalent of, which were no more than tiny openings filled with proportionately small teeth. Their skin was a dark royal blue color and had a rubbery feel to the touch. The only people to ever actually feel the skin of a Draka were scientists. The Drakas, as they were called, also had very dense musculature pointing to a home-world with a high gravity. The only thing they had ever been seen wearing was their battle armor, which came in a variety of metallic colors, plus black and white. It was made of some strange alloy that they ran an electric current through to make powered armor. The armor had circuits in it that powered girds of small energy shields. It was an effective design that human engineers were now putting into production for human armor.

Ungood · 04-10-2008, 09:55 PM

All in all.. this is quite good... has a fine base and good presence...

Delete is in RED

Additions/Change in Blue

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Revelator

This is an original Sci-Fi story that I'm writing, the very beginning. I only have some of it typed, though I have more written, as I have easier access to my notebook than my computer. Some of you who have read my other works realize that I add to much information in the beginning. Let me know how this is, I tried not to over do it and add some extra stuff to offset the info, as well as shorten the info I did add.

(This goes along with the Original Sci-fi story/prologue)

Chapter One

He lay on the ground, prone, with his rifle set up in front of him being supported by a bi-pod under the barrel end of the gun. He had his battle helmet on the ground in front of him, but tilted up towards him so if any communications came in he would be able to hear it. He had an annoying itch under his armor and had to take a few deep breaths, but didn't move. It took a minute but the itch went away. A lit cigarette hung in the corner of his mouth.

Smoking didn't cause damage that his body's health maintenance system couldn't repair relatively quickly. Nicotine had been removed a few hundred years ago anyway, so it was just a nasty habit, not an addiction. Other than that, the general blend of botanical ingredients hadn't changed much in the past two or three thousand years.
(Break this)

Fifteen minutes. The chronometer appeared in the upper left corner of his vision. It would have made him jump if he hadn't been so well disciplined. He still hadn't fully acquitted to visual interface and networking hardware (This is where you mention his discipline and training). The internal head gear could be rather handy though, he thought to himself as (WHAT? As WHAT?).

The silent man idly panned his rifle around (Moved), looking through the scope to make sure that no enemies had managed to creep up without him noticing (On him). He almost let a tiny smirk work its way onto his face at the though of being sneaked up on. Almost.

He held in a sigh as he extinguished his cigarette very carefully and buried it in a small hole he had scratched out (dug a hole and buried his cigarette). He ran a hand through his long, jet-black hair. This was the only time he would move, and only to move some loose strands of hair from his face (The reason this does not work is because he has moved three times already - Marked in Purple- and then moves again when he puts his helmet back on). It was too long to be allowed in any military outfit, but then again, he wasn't really in the military.

He picked up his helmet and fit it back onto his head, bringing his external sensors online and integrating them with his neuro-set . He slowly inched his way forward across the hard dusty ground, being careful not to kick up andy clouds, and brought his sniper rifle to bear.

The rifle he carried was unusual. It was four and a half feet long. The long rifle was a custom built H-VPR or High-Velocity Plasma Rifle, more commonly known as the Viper, or would be if it was more commonly known. His was equipped with the elongated barrel and repeating chamber attachment . Vipers could shoot both rifle rounds and plasma bolts.

Ten minutes. He brought up the sensor bots' visual feeds. He had very carefully deployed a string of surveillance sensor-bots two days ago. He looked out at the enemy force moving through the forest in surprising silence for such large beings. The aliens were tall, averaging close to seven feet tall with long lanky forms. They had a curved back though, making them appear shorter than they actually were. They were capable of stretching up to their full height, but rarely did so. They walked on two knobbly legs with inverted knee joints. They had narrow faces with four eyes that that were barely more than slits and would glow orange, with a darker orange pupil . They had mouths, but they were hidden under the chin, or equivalent of, which were no more than tiny openings filled with proportionately small teeth. Their skin was a dark royal blue color and had a rubbery feel to the touch. The only people to ever actually feel the skin of a Draka were scientists. The Drakas, as they were called, also had very dense musculature pointing to a home-world with a high gravity. The only thing they had ever been seen wearing was their battle armor, which came in a variety of metallic colors, plus black and white. It was made of some strange alloy that they ran an electric current through to make powered armor. The armor had circuits in it that powered girds of small energy shields. It was an effective design that human engineers were now putting into production for human (This is awkward - the human twice seems redundant)armor .

Other then that... this is not bad... has some good potential...

Ungood.

Shadow Reeves · 04-11-2008, 01:27 AM

yeah it looks like a good base to build off. i like the story so far, even though you haven't shot anyone yet

just some notes to think about i don't mean to be picky, but im just throwing them out there for you to think about...

you have to explain how the plasma works before you shoot anyone. balistic, energy pulse, or like a sludge....if you research, plasma is the phase of state after gas. so you may want to invent your own, or figure a way to tie this in

the visual display thing is actually called a HUD (heads up display) F1 racers use these, and if he has a HUD does that mean he as a full face helmet? or is this actually in his eye?

why is the soldier sniping without his helmet on? doesn't it provide camouflage?
you need to describe his surroundings more...bushland, alien forest, empty street. and whether you are on earth or alien planet...

idly moving the rifle means he has no real purpose...but he is looking for enemy, so i think wrong word.

Quote:

He picked up his helmet and fit it back onto his head, bringing his external sensors online and integrating them with his neuro-set

there is no explanation as to how this helps...you need to establish this early so we know how it works.

i like the story, i and want to see where it goes, but as a sniper with super senses, you need more detail (i know you said you where cutting down, you just need to find a balance)

Rune_74 · 04-11-2008, 01:55 AM

That same line quoted above me.....and fit it back onto his head.... does not work properly replace fit with placed maybe....or fitted....I'm nit sure but it doesn't seem right.

Shadow Reeves · 04-11-2008, 05:54 AM

placed it back on his head?

Ungood · 04-11-2008, 08:07 AM

He picked up his helmet and fit it back onto his head, bringing his external sensors online and integrating them with his neuro-set

The "And fit" implies that he had to adjust his helmet "to fit" like every other solder out there that puts their helmet on needs to adjust it just a bit to fit right and note this also implies that he did not just plop it on his head, he did this slowly and carefully, as such I saw no problem with what he wrote.

Ungood

mybigboots · 04-11-2008, 08:51 AM

You're right, you do over-write a bit, but diamonds have to get chipped out of rocks, don't they?

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Revelator

He lay on the ground with his rifle set up in front of him,supported by a bi-pod under the barrel end. His helmet was on the ground in front of him, tilted up towards him so he could hear any incoming communication. A lit cigarette hung in the corner of his mouth. Smoking wouldn't cause any damage his body's health maintenance system couldn't repair.

Fifteen minutes. The chronometer appeared in the upper left corner of his vision. It would have made him jump if he hadn't been so well disciplined. He still had an edgy relationship the new visual interface and networking hardware.

It's all about stylistic preferences, but with this kind of material, too much explanation feels like an apology...like you're still working to suspend your own disbelief. You can't expect the reader to find your material more plausible than you do yourself.

Quote:

The silent man idly panned his rifle around, looking through the scope to make sure that no enemies had managed to creep up without him noticing. He almost let a tiny smirk work its way onto his face at the thought of being sneaked up on. Almost.

I'd lose the above.
And I'd edit what follows.

Quote:

He held in a sigh as he extinguished his cigarette very carefully and buried it in a small hole he had scratched out of the ground. He ran a hand through his long, jet-black hair. This was the only time he would move, and only to move some loose strands of hair from his face. It was too long to be allowed in any military outfit, but then again, he wasn't really in the military.

I'm not going to go on chipping at it because the points I would make would be the same. If you believe in the world of your story before you start then you won't get so bogged down in description/explanation and will be able to get on with telling the reader what happens. It's all about confidence really.

I hope this helpful and not annoying.

Boots

The Revelator · 04-11-2008, 02:55 PM

No, its fine. I'll make some changes in it and fix it up, add some more, hopefully I'll get to the part where the shooting starts. As for what planet its on, I'm gonna explain that later because its not dreadfully important to know and I want to keep interest early on. I WILL add more information about the terrain and his surroundings.

Ungood, what did the "Break this" mean?

The Revelator · 04-11-2008, 03:05 PM

Here's the same part with the editing done. I'm gonna get more typed up and then I'll add it on.

Chapter One

He lay on the ground with his rifle set up in front of him being supported by a bi-pod under the barrel end of the gun. He had his battle helmet on the ground in front of him, but tilted up so if any communications came in he would be able to hear it. He had an annoying itch under his armor and had to take a few deep breaths, but didn't move. It took a minute but the itch went away. A lit cigarette hung in the corner of his mouth.

Smoking didn't cause damage that his body's health maintenance system couldn't repair relatively quickly. Nicotine had been removed a few hundred years ago anyway, so it was just a nasty habit. Other than that, the general blend of botanical ingredients hadn't changed much in the past two or three thousand years.

Fifteen minutes. The chronometer appeared in the upper left corner of his vision. It was able to do this through his implanted head-gear. The head gear he had was new, top-of-the-line, no previous equipment was anywhere near as sophisticated. It gave him much more than standard, even military standard, head gear. It allowed him to tie into his armor's electronics systems and improve them. His armor was new as well, it was much lighter than any other issue combat armor currently in service. He still wasn't fully accustomed to the new head gear and nueral interfaces. The internal head gear could be rather handy though, he thought to himself.

The silent man idly panned his rifle around, looking through the scope to make sure that no enemies had managed to creep up on him. He almost let a tiny smirk work its way onto his face at the though of being sneaked up on. Almost.

He held in a sigh as he extinguished his cigarette very carefully and buried it in a small hole he had dug and buried it. He ran a hand through his long, jet-black hair. It was too long to be allowed in any military outfit, but then again, he wasn't really in the military.

He picked up his helmet and fit it back onto his head, bringing his external sensors online and integrating them with his neuro-set . He slowly inched his way forward across the hard dusty ground, being careful not to kick up any clouds, and brought his sniper rifle to bear.

The rifle he carried was unusual. It was four and a half feet long. The long rifle was a custom built H-VPR or High-Velocity Plasma Rifle, more commonly known as the Viper, or would be if it was more commonly known. His was equipped with the elongated barrel and repeating chamber attachment . Vipers could shoot both rifle rounds and plasma bolts.

Ten minutes. He brought up the sensor bots' visual feeds. He had very carefully deployed a string of surveillance sensor-bots two days ago. He looked out at the enemy force moving through the forest in surprising silence for such large beings. The aliens were tall, averaging close to seven feet with long lanky forms. They had a curved back though, making them appear shorter than they actually were. They were capable of stretching up to their full height, but rarely did so. They walked on two knobbly legs with inverted knee joints. They had narrow faces with four eyes that that were barely more than slits and would glow orange, with a darker orange pupil . They had mouths, but they were hidden under the chin, or equivalent of, which were no more than tiny openings filled with proportionately small teeth. Their skin was a dark royal blue color and had a rubbery feel to the touch. The only people to ever actually feel the skin of a Draka were scientists. The Drakas, as they were called, also had very dense musculature pointing to a home-world with a high gravity. The only thing they had ever been seen wearing was their battle armor, which came in a variety of metallic colors, plus black and white. It was made of some strange alloy that they ran an electric current through to make powered armor. The armor had circuits in it that powered girds of small energy shields. It was an effective design that human engineers were now putting into production for their own armor.

thales · 04-11-2008, 03:39 PM

I liked the flow of things. I liked how slowly you panned this character with an excellent choice of words. Your sentences were very clear. I felt nothing awkword. I felt like I had opened a book at the store to test out and was reading a professional opening.

But, toward the end, I didn't get a sense of urgency. I was not compelled. I was not shaken up. I was left expecting something more.

Ungood · 04-11-2008, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Revelator

No, its fine. I'll make some changes in it and fix it up, add some more, hopefully I'll get to the part where the shooting starts. As for what planet its on, I'm gonna explain that later because its not dreadfully important to know and I want to keep interest early on. I WILL add more information about the terrain and his surroundings.

Ungood, what did the "Break this" mean?

Your clumping the Fifteen Minuets

Only giving it a sentence break and not the paragraph Break it deserves.

You should double space it and make it a visual break that people see "HEY! This is an important COUNT DOWN issue... it's fifteen minuets till "GO TIME" or or what ever...

that Counter is Important... make it stand out and give people an idea that time passed...

But that is just my feelings on it.. .that is why I said "Break this"

Ungood.

A-L · 04-11-2008, 10:02 PM

At the end of your post you just dumped information about the aliens. It didn't really seem to flow, it read as if you were giving a report about them instead giving them identity and placing them in the story. Aside from that I really did enjoy your style and I look forward to reading more of it.

Shadow Reeves · 04-11-2008, 11:02 PM

yeah i like it. the changes work.

my thoughts on the subject:
i think either a flashback or a prologue of him placing the 'senser bots' would be nice to read, good tension and action sequence.
also if the scientist that play with the aliens are to come further into the story, then call them "The Scientists" showing importance, and creating like a Fear Factor or aura of mystery about them...

good work...watch some sniper movies too see how they build tension

mybigboots · 04-12-2008, 01:38 PM

much less cluttered and easier to read

Wilem · 04-12-2008, 04:16 PM

I liked the idea. Although I do feel you're just stating facts (or would be facts) rather than describing the scene. It all, to me, just feels like: this happened, then he did this and that happened etc etc. It's just lacking feeling I think. I want to know the guys emotions. How does he feel towards these aliens?

I think its already been said, but at the start it was fine. It flowed well and sounded really well done. But for me the lack of description was a bit off putting.

Liked it so far. Would like to read further developments.