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Old 04-12-2008, 10:46 PM   #16
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Ha ha, well, this guy's emotions are supposed to be more hidden at the moment. I'm trying to make him seem to be calm and collected, keeping his emotions under control while waiting, right now, I'm going to build his depth as the story progresses. I'm not sure when I'll get more added, I'm gonna be busy this coming week but I'll work on typing and doing my own editing in my free time.

P.S. When I get time I'll make further edits on the above, instead of reposting the whole thing.
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Last edited by The Revelator : 04-12-2008 at 11:02 PM. Reason: addition
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Old 04-14-2008, 06:21 PM   #17
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Alright, here's a bit more of the story. I'll type up more when I get the chance and put it up later.

The Drakas had swarmed through the Galactic Rift suddenly and the only warning being from the survey force the United Confederation had sent through to explore the other side. The had realized they were in another galaxy and when they traveled to the nearest system they encountered an advanced civilization, advanced enough to destroy seven of the fifteen ships before the others could escape back to the Rift, unfortunately the Drakas followed. They had conquered two worlds and their ships were still coming through the Rift. The United Confederation was a hidden human power. They were a small group of, now, eleven star systems that were only loosely allied. They had all broken away from the Terran Empire during the second civil war. They hadn't left coordinates for anyone to find them with. The rest of humanity still believed themselves to be the only sentient life form in the galaxy. The UC occasionally sent a stealth ship back to the Terran Empire to see how the rest of humanity was progressing. Through these ships the learned the rest of the galaxy was happily oblivious to the war raging on the opposite side of the galaxy. The Terran Empire was also behind in military development. The UC bore no ill will towards the Terran Empire, and they hoped to quell this threat without compromising their secrecy.
Five Minutes. He put a stop to his thoughts and sighted his first target as it came stalking into view.
* * *


The United Confederation Army, or UCA, was on it's way to attack the Drakas forces that had taken control of on the planet of Ishbold. The white-haired man shook his head and smiled at the clumsy and loud UCA forces. He was sporting a fully-loaded box launcher, capable of firing twenty five missiles, to deal with the armored units the UCA wasn't expecting. He was counting on his brother-in-arms to keep him covered from the infantry. Once he began firing missiles at the enemy, he would turn into a magnet for their fire. He couldn't pick up his brother-in-arms on the external sensors, but he knew he was out there due to the surveillance provided by their ship, which the UCA also didn't know about. The UCA didn't know about a lot of things.
He started jogging through the thick forest, his armor rapidly changing to match the underbrush as he ran past it. He moved in this way for about five minutes before he picked up the Drakas lead elements on his armor's sensors. Just behind that he saw the first wave or battle walkers. His HUD display fed him data, two hundred meters. He settled down, and waited for the first walker to appear in his sight.
  • * * * *
Lance Corporal Logan Swallow directed his squad carefully, as per orders that came through to him from his platoon sergeant by hand signal. They all had their electronics switched off to minimize the possibility of detection by Drakas forces. His squad was 2nd squad, and had one of the platoons snipers, Corporal Burns. When the point man dropped, Corporal Burns dropped silently and slowly crawled to Lance Corporal Swallow after being signaled over.
He tilted up his visor so his squad leader could talk to him, “Burns, I want you to get into position behind that uprooted tree, you can use the small ditch as a trench. Take Private Delante with you, she will spot be your spotter.”
Corporal Burns gave a barely perceptible nod and crawled away. Lance Corporal Swallow motioned at Private Delante to go with him.
Corporal Burns moved forward, crawling over small plants and dead leaves from the coniferous forest. Private Delante moved with him, about ten feet back. Once he made it to the chosen position, he settled down and waited for Delante to crawl up a few feet to his right. They had a very short wait, after being in position for two minutes, Delante used her helmet to get the exact position of the first Draka and send it to Burns' helmet. It wasn't necessary though, as he had seen it at the exact same time.
The Draka through a large bush with deep purple colored leaves on it. It carried the human equivalent of an auto-cannon. One of the few ballistic weapons still used in the war. It had long, thick arms covered in plated armor. Corporal Burns steadied himself, aimed, and gently pulled the trigger. The Draka's protective head gear didn't stop small Iridium core-turned plasma. The Draka's head simply ceased to be in a spray of green blood and white bone. The brute fell, one leg kicking once before it fell still. Iridium was used in most sniper rifles, because it was powerful, and something about its atomic structure kept its plasma trail faint, making it harder to see. Other weapons used different heavy elements. Progress was being made into weapons that ran on pure energy, but none of these weapons were ready for the battlefield.
There was a stillness in which it seemed as if the entire forest held it's breath. It lasted only second, but that second seemed an eternity to all the UCA forces after hearing the crack from the super heated round breaking through the air. The silence erupted into a cacophany of gunshots and explosions.
Coporal Burns and Private Delante hunkered down in behind meager cover as explosions rocked both fronts and gun fire passed all around. As they were laying there, Burns trying to peer around the uprooted roots and dirt for another shot Lance Corporal Swallow dove behind a large tree. They had all switched on their electronics now. Lance Corporal Logan crouched sideways so he was looking at them.
“I want you and Delante to stay here for another two shots, then fire and move, don't move to much, and stay behind our forward line,” He said into his commlink to Corporal Burns.
“Roger, sir,” Burns sent back.
A few bolts burned into the front of the tree that Logan crouched behind. He gave an exaggerated nod so it would be visible to the sniper and stood up and pressed himself behind the tree, just long enough to snap a load of Antimony rounds into his SREM rifle, which stood for Supercharged Repeating Electro-Magnetic rifle. It used super charged alternating polarity magnets to launch electrically charged Antimony rounds down the barrel. The rounds were suspended perfectly in the center of the rifle, making them extremely accurate and extremely fast, as there was no friction. The Antimony round came out and a blue-white bolt trail. Lance Corporal nodded a second time and spun around the tree firing his SREM rifle. Burns watched and grinned as he saw his squad leader drop two Drakas standing too close.
“Battle walkers!” an anyomous scream yelled over the comnet.
“We have very little anti-armor, sir. Any suggestions?” Delante asked Lance Coporal Logan, who was squatting behind a tree blown over in the early explosions fifty feet in front of them.
Large mechanical walkers, standing nearly fifty feet tall, stomping through the forest on four legs. They had swiveling plasma turrets and auto cannons as well as two missile racks. They fired all their weapons and launched their missiles into the advancing UCA forces.
Corporal Burns fired his third shot, taking out a Draka supporting the Walkers. “Alright, let's move, Private,” Burns laughed and continued, “Ladies first.”
Private Delante didn't say anything as she stood up and started firing her SREM rifle. She hit one Draka, the round blew a hole in his armor where a human's heart would be, toppling it backwards, it started to rise, but collapsed, its lung and stomach destroyed. She saw another spot, two tree grown together at the base, spanning eight or nine feet. “Those two trees,” she said when she was neared them, making a dive behind them. Corporal Burns followed closely behind.
“Good choice,” he said with a grin, through his helmet.
Corporal Burns laid on the ground behind the tree and inched his was to the side to look around. Unfortunately for him, as soon as his head rounded the corner, a stray round from a walker mounted plasma cannon vaporized his head. Delante strangled the urge to scream.
She made several deep breaths before calling Lance Corporal Logan, “Sir, Burns is dead.”
There was a brief pause, “Are you sure?”
She glanced at the headless body and said in a flat voice that she thought should have been a scream, “Absolutely.”
Another Pause, “Alright, make your way back to the squad.”
“Roger that, sir,” she said as she checked her HUD display for their positions. She dove out from behind the trees into a roll and went prone. A few bolts went over her head, but no more tracked her progress. As she lay on the ground, she had a wonderful view of twelve rockets come flying in from the right and take out the shields on three walkers and out right destroy two of those, leaving the third a smoking wreck with half its weapons destroyed.
Shouts from officers came through the comnet, when it got sorted out after a few moments one voice came through, “This is Colonel Frost, I want to know who fired those rockets, any units nearby, investigate.”
After about a minute which Delante used to get up and sprint to cover her squad leader came through the com channel, “That's us, we're heading forward and to the right. Let's go!”
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Old 04-17-2008, 10:07 PM   #18
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it is good, a nice action sequence . there are several things i would like to say.
as i have stated before in one of your other stories, it is very hard to create tension when hte characters are joking with each other...who on a battle field laughs as as they decide who is going to run across the path of gunfire?

also there is no real connection with this army squad and the sniper guy at the start, is the sniper Burns? if so you call him a platoon sniper, but in no military outfit...contradictory. if he is the sniper burns...you build a mystery character and then he dies?
Quote:
Take Private Delante with you, she will spot be your spotter.
obviously an old editing error.

HUD stands for Heads Up Display...so when you say "HUD display" it is like saying ATM machine. which is wrong...and you have to say what HUD is,

your gun descriptions are awesome, it looks like a lot of thought went into thoes. but they break up the battle too much, i found myself skimming over the description to get back to the action. i suggest a full run down of the weapons they carry before the battle, like an inventory check.

as for the battle it is pretty cool, nice imagery here is what i would do to make it awesome:
add the idea of artillery fire and that is why the trees are exploding, and slo ties in why the guy is asking for anti armour...becasue there was no mention of armoured battle vehicles. on the enemy side there should be a commander also, in a different colour, larger and generally who can appear throughout the novel and be a real pain in the arse...a character you can love to hate. there needs to be some more injuries on your side...and some glances off the enemy armour that dont kill them, other wise what is the point of the armour?
this is just what i would add to make it more action packed.

Quote:
“I want you and Delante to stay here for another two shots, then fire and move,
two shots of what? whisky? i better to say something like, "when i run the magazine dry, run for your life." to where ever they go.

if you say the "visor retracts into their helmet" it would make the image of the helmet clearer and the visor down has the HUD.

these are just my ideas, use them as you wish. i only post them becasue the story feels...lacking something

my other point is not to stray too close to the idea of Halo. the armour, the plasma guns, the aliens all scream Halo. which is fine, but not original. all in all it is a very good story, and a cool action scene, it is the little points that turn a ok story into an awesome one.

Cheers
ShadowReeves
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Last edited by Shadow Reeves : 04-17-2008 at 10:11 PM.
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:31 PM   #19
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The sniper in the beginning isn't Burns. He's a different character, this becomes clear a little further on. Any by a little I mean two paragraphs or so. I have some ideas that make it a little more original, but I'm still thinking of new ways to do so. Later on I have things planned that separate it from Halo and a lot of action based games, by introducing an urban setting where the protagonists are trying to get into the underground to get supplies, weapons, upgrades, etc. I'll go back and fix some of the things you mentioned.
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