Savh

Hello.

First I would like to give an intro bout this. I'm planning to make this an amateur manga just for fun (hopefully). I'm currently practicing without a pen tablet T_T. This is just 1 of 8 novels I wrote (all of them are ongoing my, furthest have 3 volumes).

The protagonist of this story is this guy
http:// sevhlias.deviantart.com/art/Chassis-Wallpaper-81971613
Named Chassis.
Read as Chassis and not as the vehicle part chassis (chasy)

I started writing about a year ago, but i started coming up with stories about more than 2 years ago. This one is my latest specifically made for the net in hopes that no one will plagiarized it (Oh please).

What does D.W. means? For now I'm keeping it a secret, but for me it's pretty obvious what it means.


Ok heres the prologue.


Prologue

He was singing with radio that was playing a rock song while his friend was looking at the views outside the window until he saw a high school male student with 2 orange headbands and a black armband on his left arm appeared in front of his truck. A guy in a black suit and a white hat also the boy jumped in front of the truck. The driver quickly hit the brakes, although the truck is slowing down, it was inevitable, even with the slowing speed, it would hit the boy and they knew it, but the boy eyes shows no fear. “AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” A scream was heard as the truck gets nearer. Then, to the boy’s surprise, he feels a push on his left side and then he was flying to his right side. He twist and turn his body in mid air saw the local shop. He was now looking at the person who pushed him away. He was wearing a white. The guy was hit by the truck as the boys hit his head when he landed. A car almost hit the boy when he landed. The truck persons in the truck suddenly ran away from the scene.

Later on, the police and ambulance arrived. The 2 injured people were getting treat and being prepared to be sent to the hospital as the police investigate the accident as some ask the witnesses. Then a police called another and said to look at the insides of the truck. What they saw was a few boxes that were opened because of the impact and what was inside was white powder in a plastic bag. The police immediately checked it and discovered it was an illegal drug.

For updates please tune in to my blog
Sevhlias

Savh

Chapter 1
The Boy who wants to die in a grand manner.

He opened his eyes and sees a white ceiling. His head was hurting, so he touched and feels bondage. Upon more inspection, he realized his head was wrapped with bondages and he was wearing a patient’s clothe. He sits up on the bed and sees a room and realizes that he was in a hospital. He then thinks what just happened.

“I’m still alive? Wait, I remember a guy saving my life. Damn, why did he save me.?”

He then heard then heard a door opening; he looks where the sound was coming from and saw a guy in a black suit was looking inside and at him. He then closed the door that left the boy puzzled as he tilted his head. He then checks his left arm and thought:

“Good, they weren’t able to remove my arm band.”

He heard the door opening again, but this time, a bunch of guys in suits one by one coming inside along with a beautiful girl with short hair and brown eyes that came last. He was surrounded by 2 guys in black on each side and on the front was the girl and a guy in a gray suit. The girl then started talking saying:

“Why am I here? I should be with dad and taking care of him.” An older gentleman in gray then said:

“We already went to big brother’s room and besides, he’s asleep now.”

“That’s doesn’t mean that we should leave him alone.”

“He’s not alone, my wife and your mother are there.”

“Yeah, but...”

“Anyway, your father was conscious a while ago and then went back to sleep again.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“I’m glad, he was alright after all.”

“Didn’t the doctor tell us that it wasn’t that big of a deal? The truck didn’t completely stop, but it was no strong enough to kill the boss.”

“But he injured his legs.”

“A small price to pay for saving this young boy’s life.”

“Saving my life? Wait, they have been talking like I’m not right here.”

“So, why are we here then?” The girl asked.

“That’s what I want to know too.”

“Before your father went back to sleep, he told us not to let this boy go.”

“Huh?” The boy was puzzled as he tilted his head again.

"You are to marry this boy," the girl's uncle stated authoritatively.

“"What?!" the girl cried out in shock.

“Marry?!” The boy’s though as he was also surprised.

"What the heck are you talking about, Uncle?" the girl continued, her tone growing indignant. "I'm just to get married to some random person?!" The boy then interrupted them by saying:

“Uhm… Who are you guys?” The girl got irritated and looked the other way as her uncle answered back saying:

“We are the Seiren Group.”

“Seiren Group?”

“Yes and our boss was the one that saved your life.”

“Saved my life? You mean that guy.” He had a flash back of him being pushed away.

“Yes.”

“Why did he save me!?”

They were surprised from what the boy said.

“I was ready to die at that moment.”

“Die?”

“Yes.” The boy said with a straight face.

“Why?”

“The Police found the drugs inside of the truck right?”

“Yes, but how did you know that there were drugs in there.”

“I overheard them talking about it at a restaurant the other day and decided to investigate it.” Hearing him say that, the girl got curious, so she started to pay more attention to the boy.

“I came up with a good plan for my death.”

“Death?” They wondered.

“Yes, if I had died there, then I would be known as the boy who died leading to the discovery of a truck that had drugs inside of it.”

“Huh.” Was all of their reactions including the 4 guys in black that was standing like statues the whole time.

“Are you crazy? Why would you want to do that?” The girl said.

“Simple, I want to die in a fantastic manner. A death that will be remembered, a famous death that will stick into the minds that saw or read the news about it.”

“You’re crazy.” The boy didn’t give a reply to that remark. The uncle then coughed and said:

“Anyway, you owe us for saving your life and the boss wanted you to marry his daughter.”

“Marry? Daughter? Please stop with the nonsense.”

“Yeah Uncle, Stop with that nonsense. Like I want to get married with this stupid guy who my father saved because of his stupid death wish.”

“You guys are a group right?”

“Yeah, so?” The girl arrogantly said. The boy squints his eyes as he threw the blanket to them. He quickly got out of the bed and went to the other side. When the blanket was removed, He then said to them:

“What business do you guys do? Drugs? Guns?, Slaves?” They were puzzled from what he was saying.

“If so, then I’m taking all of you with my corpse here and now.” The boy then went to a fighting stance with his right hand in front, near his chest facing to his left side and just below, is his left hand ready to make an uppercut with an open palm.

Savh

Chapter 2
Debt

In his eyes, he sees 6 people startled from his jump. He’s ready to fight depending on their answer. Then, the man in gray talked saying:

“Are you mistaking us for those groups that do illegal things? What’s up with this kid?”

The boy slightly lowered his guard as the man in gray placed his left hand in his pants’ packet.

“We may look like it, but we don’t engage into that kind of business, but we do come across them.”

“What do you mean?” The boy said as the girl and the others felt the bad atmosphere disappearing.

“What we do are simple things like information, security, delivery, spies, agents and others. With that, we encounter with them and stop them. You can call our group in the side of justice.”

“Others?” The boy’s thoughts.

“What is up with you!? You jumped out of your bed and started accusing us.” The girl said with irritation.

He looked at her face, then to the others, one by one. He fully lowered his guard and did a dogeza saying:

“Pardon my rudeness. I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart, please forgive me.”

The boy bowing to them leaves them puzzled and surprised. Here is a spontaneous boy jumping out of his bed, ignoring his injuries and then bowing down.

“We forgive you. I kinda know why you would mistakes as for that kind of “Group”.” The gentleman in gray said.

“Thank you very much.” The boy was happy. He suddenly feels that it was cold, especially the lower part of his body. He looks down and saw that his clothe is short and he realized that he’s not wearing any underwear. Hi looks at the girl and didn’t move for a while. She was looking at him eye to eye and wondered why he is looking at her. The boy’s suddenly turns bright red. He quickly went inside the bathroom as he looks down to floor. He closes the door leaving the people in room again puzzled.

“Can I have my clothes back?” The boy’s voice from the bathroom.

“Huh?” The young girl said.


The boy got out of the bathroom with his clothes except for the polo that’s inside of a plastic bag and his two orange head bands dangling around his neck. The only one that’s left in the room are the man in gray and the girl.

“Where’s your father?” The boy said to the girl.

“What do you want with my father?”

“I want to thank him for his help, although I didn’t want and I want to say sorry for getting him injured for someone like me, but before that, I want to say sorry to the both of you. I’m sorry sir for injuring your big brother and I’m sorry miss for injuring your father.” He said to both of them while bowing.”

“It’s not your fault my big brother got hurt. Raise your head.”

“Father always likes to help people even putting his life on the line.” The girl said and the man in gray smiled while lowering his head as if he was remembering something from the past.

“0717186****” The boy said.

“Huh?” Both of them said as they look at his serious face.

“My number. Please call me tomorrow, so I can pay for the hospital bills.”

“Ahh… About that don’t worry about it.”

The boy then just stays silent while standing. The girl and the man feels an awkward atmosphere.

“I’m going home then.” He then went out and left the room.

“He’s leaving? Then that means the marriage deal is gone. ALRIGHT!” The girl’s thoughts.

7:48 PM, the boy in his casual clothes of shorts and sando is inside his home of a small one floor apartment that only have a TV, PC, Bed, Cabinet and a Fridge. He’s cleaning the plates when a knock on the door was heard. He turn the closet, stopping the wash and then he shakes the plate and placing it in the dispenser. He went for the door and open it. At the door, the cute girl with the short hair from the hospital was standing in front of him and she looks mad. The boy checks for others and sees the man in gray on the side.

“What are you guys doing here?” The boy said.

“Don’t tell me you forgot young boy. You owe us for saving your life.” The man said.

“I didn’t want to be saved you know.”

“But, you still owe us.”

“I don’t.” The girl got even madder as they talk.

“You owe us your life.”

“I’m not thankful for that.” The girl reached his limit shouted:

“ AAAAAA! WHY AM I HERE?”

“That’s what I liked to know too.” They both now looked at the man.

“*Ahem* I’m Thomas K. Seiren.” The man said and looked at the boy waiting for his turn. The boy saw it and said:

“Chassis.” They waited for his surname.

“Chassis…...”

“Chassis.”

“Ok.” The man said and looks at the girl giving a signal that it’s her turn.

“I’m Rawina B. Seiren.” She said as her face was directed to the side.

“*Ahem* Rawina will be your fiancé from this day on.”

“Nope.”

“I also disagree.”

“We both disagree then. Anyway, how did you find my house?”

“We have certain connections.” The man said in a bragging manner.

“Hmm… The only link I see that would lead you guys to my house is you traced my phone.” The two were surprised because it was dead on. The boy continued talking saying:

“From your reactions, I guess I’m right. Also, you can’t brag about knowing my name cause no one knows my real name and you guys can’t dig it up anywhere.” Another arrow hit Thomas. The boy started dissembling his cell phone and then threw his sim card outside.

“Good night.” The boy said and closed the door, but Thomas stopped by grabbing the door with his left hand it and then said:

“We’re not leaving here unless you let her stay at your house. How did he guess all of those?”

“Let Rana stay here?” The boy said as he looks at her.

“Rana?” Both of them said.

“Her.”

“Me? Don’t give me nicknames.” The girl said.

“Ok sure.” The boy agreed.

“OK then, here’s her bag and other things. The man gives 2 big sports bag to the boy as he carries it with both of his hands.

“You prepared all of this.”

“Of course.”

“Wait a minute; I don’t want to stay here.” The girl said.

“Boss’ orders.” The man said to her with a scary look his face.

With that, the man left with his car, leaving the two alone. The girl entered as the boy shows the house.

“That’s everything I guess. Make yourself at home.”

“Oi! why did you agree on letting me stay here? Don’t tell me.”

“Cause you guys would haven’t left me alone. Especially your uncle.”

“Your right about that, But….”

“Anyway, goodnight.” He said as he opens the door.

“Hey where are you going?”

“I can’t stay here. You’re a girl.” The girl suddenly felt that he was dependable.

“You’re leaving?”

“Of course. Lock the door K.”

“Wait!, where are you gonna sleep?”

“That? That’s not a big prob. I have a place to stay, so stay here as long as you want. That way is good right?”

“Mmh” she nodded.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Ungood

Manga?

As in you plan to make this a comic book?

In that front... I would strongly suggest that you go to a comic book forum and provide them them with your thumbnails and sketches along with perhaps a plot description...

Ungood.

Remedy

As always, I am blunt, and this is my opinion. I don't mean to offend, hurt, ect, ect.

I only read the prologue at the moment (it's late, and my attention span is shot; I'll go through the rest tomorrow, perhaps). Some words of advice: it's fairly choppy, and your narration sounds more like you're trying to over-describe the few things you actually do describe.

Here's some nitpicky stuff:

I can't say that I've ever heard someone referring to their speed as "great". A more common word choice (like driving quickly) might benefit the flow.

The black like slacks thing confused me. Was it an armband, or was he carrying pants? It also seems redundant to say that the headbands were on his head.

There really isn't such a thing as deceleration... You use a double negative in this sentence as well.

You've been going in past tense, but suddenly you switch into present. Also, how can a person be at a passenger seat?

Read the sentence out loud; see how the end doesn't make sense? I know what you're trying to convey, but your wording doesn't work.

I suggest avoiding passive voice, but that's a personal opinion. I would also advise elaborating more on how the man came to the point of pushing him away. Right now, you sound more like you're giving bare, completely uninteresting facts.

The beginning of your last sentence and the end of your first are redundant; there's no need to state it twice.

Also, you should probably find a new word for the "guy". It's awkward calling him that; guy is a casual term.

Finally, how is the man smiling? I have a vision of a giggling crazy business man, and I'm guessing that's not what you're aiming for.

Were hit, not where got hit. You might want to clarify the man's age before this part; I didn't realize he was old and all, and it initially confused me.

Ran for it, not run for it. What did they run for? Were they heading for the boy, the old man, or were they running away from the accident?

A couple of minutes later. From it. Discovered that.

You switched tenses again.


Honestly, I would say that your main problem, aside from all the grammatical issues, is that you're not showing the story at all. You're just telling it; there is no detail apart from a few things. It's fact after fact after fact; there's no emotion, no characterization, no interesting points. It's just bland.

Read it out loud to yourself. Besides catching some key problems with your wording, you might see what I'm talking about. It's not as much of a story as it is a facts sheet.

Ungood

I took this as an Alpha or Beta read... you know... just dropping a concept not an actual finished work... did not expect too much emotion or development... just getting a scene set.

Was this supposed to be an Finished work Savh or just a "Concept Sketch" in written format?

Ungood.

Savh

1st off

I would like to say my thanks.

Sadly, that's my grammar T_T. I'm glad to see my mistakes that you guys pointed out and learn from it.

It's a Concept Sketch and novel at the same time, cause I'm using it for the manga.

It's an arm band, sadly I can't post link yet. My first post have the picture link address without the http.

You're right, I'm changing it on the other seat.

what's passive voice?


I appreciate your guys help.

I'm making this into a novel and a manga and grammar is important for and I want to learn and better myself.

PS

already rewriting and editing the mistakes.

Savh

I edited the prologue.

I hope I didn't make any mistakes again.

Savh

Edited my post and replaced it with my rewrites of chapter 1 and 2

Ungood

Much... much better...

Now... this is when... the driver should slam on his breaks...

Quote:

A guy in a black suit and a white hat also the boy jumped in front of the truck. (This is not needed)

For as exhilarating as this moment is to be... is lacks dynamic... I think it is more an issue of word use then anything else.


Ok... again... this feels stale for what you have going on... this is a whole moment of action, injury and panic, and it comes out... dead...

Adjectives. Unpack them!

Not bad... but still flat..

Also... Comic Book Wiki might help you out for the art and layout of your project...

Ungood.

Remedy

Blunt, opinionated, so on and so forth.

I'll do grammar mistakes in red, and write about other things below the quote. It makes it easier.

Passive voice is when some the person doing the action is treated as the object instead, and the action is treated as the subject. It's hard to explain; here's some examples:

Passive: A scream was heard from the woman.
Active: The woman screamed.

Passive: The flowers were picked by the farmers.
Active: The farmers picked the flowers.

Passive: The Oreos were dipped into the milk by the man.
Active: The man dipped the Oreos into the milk.

First things first: this is a heck of a run-on sentence. I would strongly recommend splitting it into at least two, possible three, shorter sentences.

Also, all the detail about the high school student doesn't need to be in one sentence. You can split it up some; it's also unnecessary to mention that he's male, as the pronoun later in the sentence ('on his left arm') gives it away.

I know what you're trying to say, but only because I read this before. For one thing, you all ready mentioned that the boy went in front of the truck, so it's not necessary to say it again. Guy still isn't a great word to use, and you ended the last sentence with "in front of his truck"; try not to use the same ending multiple times in such a short period.

This is another run-on sentence. I think you could break the reactions up; talk about what the driver is feeling, and use another sentence for what the boy is feeling.

Passive voice again.

Giving the directions of the push and fall take away some of the drama of it. The readers aren't going to care which way he was pushed (unless it turns out to be very important later on). You use then twice in one sentence as well; try to find a different word for it.

I have no idea what's supposed to be going on with the shop. Is he looking towards the shop? Was he falling through the shop's window? Did the local shop see him falling?

Personally, I would delete everything after 'hit his head' for this quote. It's pretty much a given that he's going to hit something when he lands.

You just ended the last sentence with "when he landed". A new alternative, or better yet, just deleting that last part, is recommended. (Ha, another passive voice! (I was having trouble coming up with examples of it, so I'll leave it here to show you.) Active voice for this would be I would recommend...)

Because you said that they were the truck people, it's not necessary to say that they were in the truck. It also sounds rather cliche to say "from the scene".

I think it would be beneficial to describe that as well. How long did it take? Were the lights flaring and the sirens screaming? Ect, ect.

I'm assuming the injured people were the boy and man in the white hat, but I can't be completely sure. You might want to elaborate on this.

This sentence really needs to be split into two. You start out talking about one thing, then move on to describing something else entirely. Spending more time on each would be nice.

You could probably benefit from some speaking in the story. Perhaps write down exactly what the officer said.

You're having the same problems with this story as you had before. Your writing doesn't show anything; you're just telling, sentence by sentence. Things aren't described well, and the description that is present in the story is just repeated over and over again.

I'm going to make a suggestion that you're probably not gong to like. Find a quality creative writing course and sign up for it. You need to learn a lot about how to describe things and inject life into your story; it's something that has to be taught beyond just critiquing.

Savh

Sadly I can't go to any course(No money). But, I'll try my best to learn from what I got.

Thanks.

kaseyisrad

Just read alot, you can learn alot from just reading. Pick up anything you can, and read it. It'll help.

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Savh

^

thanks

already looking for good books.

Gate

Confusing ...but Im not very smart

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" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."