Maetrix66

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Maetrix66

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Maetrix66

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DeVorn

I'm assuming you aren't looking for a grammar breakdown, but a few matters of grammar bare noting: You misuse commas a lot, breaking up sentences in ways that don't need to be broken up. For instance:

Should be:

Or switch the semi-colon out for a period. I don't know the specific grammatical term for this, but it's a hard stop, and commas just don't work in the case of a hard stop. Also, there are a few instances of using a comma when you don't need a stop at all.

~*~

Overall, I like the piece; your language and vocabulary are both excellent, and you're very skilled when it comes to expressing yourself. There's the age-old matter of the info-dump, of course (a lot of your text seems to be aimed towards 'informing' the reader of the various intricacies of this world; I'm much more a fan of just dropping the reader into it and letting them figure it out themselves). One of the big problems with this story is that you obviously have a lot of information to pass onto the reader before they can get into the logic of your world; I'd recommend doing your best to obfuscate that info-transfer a bit more (find ways to imply instead of outright state, so on).

A lot of the ideas you're presenting here are really intriguing; I loved the idea of advertising and media becoming wholly digitalized and directly inserted into our vision (and the world appearing immensely drab afterwards as a result). There's a lot of rich, fertile soil to use here; but again, one of the big problems with this story is that it's just an intimidating amount of information for the reader to swallow so early on. I think you need to find a way to make some of these concepts more manageable.

On a more specific note, I figured out the nurse was a hologram within about four or five sentences of her initial appearance; I was wondering when in the world the main character was going to figure it out. That might just be because I'm used to Sci-Fi tropes, though, and hologram-you-think-is-real is an old one.

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Maetrix66

Thanks for the response!

I agree with everything you pointed out. One of my biggest problems is sentence structure. My writing process is to force alot of sentences down on paper, and then refine them in rewrites. These chapters are at this point kind of a 1.5 draft, and obviously theres still work to be done. Thank you for the specific references, sometimes I have to re-read a sentence quite a few times before I have it flowing properly.

The info dump issue is something that I am worried about. Much of this world is different, and needs to be explained. I see that I need to be more eloquent and subtle in the manner in which I introduce it. It's something that I still grapple with in this story. I have two sequels planned, in which I won't be burdened by all of this exposition. Thanks for confirming this for me.

And about the nurse, I transplanted that scene from the alley outside the clinic, and I knew I wouldn't be fooling anyone in it's current form. I think part of writing is knowing your audience, and if people like us are able to pick it out like that, then it still needs work.

Thanks again for the review. I'm almost finished with your novella, and I must say that I am enjoying it alot. I'll get my thoughts out shortly.

Ungood

The first post was really good... I have only read that so far...

I don't really have anything to say about this yet... but it looks good so far.. enjoyable to read and I like the setting.

Ungood.

Maetrix66

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RinK

My first impression...wow.

This already appeals to me; one, because science fiction and thriller are my two favorite genres (hehe), but more importantly, the story and style in themselves are original and have tremendous flow. From the very first sentence, the readers are drawn into a world unlike their own, but which they can easily create and visualize in their minds. Already I can see that the story is building up structure and plot.

We start by coming to understand the character and his situation, as well as his feelings toward the situation, which is a sign of being a very strong writer. This is because I've read far too many stories (some of them being my own - I wouldn't deny that little fact) that are either obvious or begin with too much description and not enough story. This has just the right amount of that ingredient to make the story taste good - to give us a feel of what's going on (as well as keep our senses alive) and then keep moving forward.

(Also, kudos on the title. It's very original - I love the IP address idea. I've taken some Cisco, but don't think I would have ever come up with this idea.)

I notice some grammatical mistakes (which, of course, can be easily fixed). There are quite a few of them (not meaning that you have poor grammar - only that the piece is long), so I won't name them all, but remember not to use comma splices or to throw commas in where they aren't necessary. Here's an example of one:

Should Be: The nurses’ lack of reaction gave him pause, and he slowed the last few steps before he reached her.

(Also...the nurse's lack of reaction gave him pause? I don't know if I'm misunderstanding something here, but do you mean "made him pause?")

All in all, this is some impressive work. I already call myself a fan! You hook me with every sentence and draw me farther into the story. I am quite amazed. Please, keep going with this - I can't wait to read more!

~RinK

Maetrix66

Thank you for the kind words.

It really makes me want to keep writing when I hear from people who enjoy it.

The sentence structure thing is something I recognize as a fault of mine.


I think when I finally finish the first draft, and work my way through the different revisions (I go through the entire peice only working on one aspect, then start back at the beginning with something else), I'm going to stock up on Red Bull and Hot Pockets and spend all night removing and shifting comma's around.

I hope I'm getting better at it as it's something I consciously consider when I'm drafting.

(To give you an idea for the length of the finished novel, this character is certainly an important one, but he is not THE central character. That character comes into the story in the fourth chapter) I may shift that around a little. I'm wary of carrying the story too far before introducing the main character.

I'm actually kind of worried. If I stick to current form, this story is going to be around 700 pages. That scares me a little. I've never written anything that long before, though this story has been gestating for a while.

Imagine how many comma's I'll have in 700 pages!

RinK

There's nothing wrong with telling the story from multiple perspectives (I actually find that I'm most interested in those kind), but I've always felt that the best way to go about it is by introducing the main character first. It might just be easier that way and less confusing to the reader. Still, though, it seems you do a nice job of introducing the story...keep going from there. See where you get.

700 pages? I say, go for it! You'll be glad about the accomplishment afterward. And then you'll have plenty of room for getting rid of unnecessary content without having to worry about the story becoming too short.

Really, this is excellent work, I think. How long have you been writing?

Maetrix66

I tried my hand at a couple of screenplays, none of which I felt happy with.

Screenplays always feel a little bland to me, for some reason.

I haven't written anything (other than a couple of unfinalized screenplays)
since High School. And that was about ten years ago. This is my first attempt at a novel. I've been consuming as many books as possible to learn how different authors describe things, how they write.

I'm still very much a beginner, with alot to learn.

I;m still toying with the idea of restructuring the opening. The lead characters are the ones actually responsible for the system Miles is going to beta test.

Actually, I think I just figured out a way to incorporate a later scene into the opening to introduce them. Inspiration strikes at the strangest times!

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Keono

Dude! Amazing stuff!

Great setting and mostly very good writing! Haven't read all of it yet, but I certainly will. Then I'll give you a more detailed opinion with points of critique, or at least I'll try to =P

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Maetrix66

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

I look forward to hearing your feedback. All of these chapters are
early drafts, so anything you can find that needs work saves me time
in the editing process.

Plus, I'm a little too close to the source material to be objective, so alot of errors and passages that don't make sense to the casual reader I don't catch.

Thanks again,

Chris

Maetrix66