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d.o.mai.n-postcyberpunk thriller (5500 words) d.o.mai.n-postcyberpunk thriller (5500 words)
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Old 04-15-2008, 04:18 PM   #16
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Nice feel that he is trapped in a world of corruption... both part of it and repulsed by it at the same time... good feel for a cyberpunk environment.

Nice work so far...

I can't find any major issues to pick out... all in all... solid..

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Old 04-15-2008, 09:19 PM   #17
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Wow, i have just read chapter 1.1 and i enjoyed it. The concept reminds of the anime "Ghost In A shell". I like Miles character and i can he is the type of character yuo can develop. I also liked the way you weaved in the techological information into the story so it didn't seem like info-dumping but something Miles would think about.

My only gripe with the story is this particular paragraph:

He knew that the soothing voice was designed to calm his nerves, but asking someone with a problem with a well documented problem with authority to knowingly subject themselves to pain is a sure-fire way to arrive on their bad side.- Maybe its just me but this doesn't quite make sense and feels like a run-on sentence. Maybe make it clearer?

Apart from that this is a solid start to your cyberpunk story. I'll be reading more when i have the time.
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Old 04-16-2008, 07:04 AM   #18
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Nice!
Nice catch!

That sentence is pretty convoluted. I definitly need to restructure it, along with about 30 others (so far)

Thanks for reading, the action is about to start in the next few chapters, so stay tuned!!

(I have never seen Ghost in the Shell, which seems like a criminal oversight the more I hear about it. I am struggling with the idea of staying away from the genre so that my ideas aren't TOO similar)
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Old 04-17-2008, 06:01 PM   #19
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Old 04-18-2008, 12:28 PM   #20
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Bump
Bump in the hopes of feedback.
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Old 04-19-2008, 03:34 PM   #21
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Anyone have anything to say regarding last chapter?

The next one introduces the action (both barrels blazing)
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Old 04-22-2008, 08:47 AM   #22
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Old 04-22-2008, 05:38 PM   #23
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