WillDunn

I wanted to get back into writing, so i thought about making a comedy sci fi, then it turned seroius. I want to know if its any good

In the year 5830 BC, Mt. Rishiri in Japan erupted, and not only rained ash and debre on the island of Hikkaido, but released an evil omen on it, the elders of the town called it 火的貓 (or cat of fire) It caused the natives much trouble, burning crops, destroying houses, and eventually the townspeople gave into to the monsters whims. Giving it anything it asked for, the monster ususally asked for young girls, it would then take them to a cavern inside the volcano and feast on them.

Many tried to slay the beast, all failed, till one day a novice mage by the name of Allim took the challenge of slaying the beast.

As he entered the lair of the beast, he could smell brimstone and burning flesh. Going through the cave he could see the bones of all the sacrifices.

Allim looked over the edge to see a pit of lava, and at that point he strarted to head bact to entrance, realizing the trouble he had gotten himself in.

Right as he reached the opening of the cavern the monster had jumpped down to block the path of the young mage.

Startled by the monsters abrupt entrance, Allim attempted to start an incantation but was knocked back against the wall of the cave by the enormous tremor caused by the monster's pounce. Allim thought for a split-second and then spoke an incantation,

"Rotataros!"

The monster was struck by dizziness, and started to fumble around the cave.

Thinking on his feet, Allim spoke another incantation.

"Startulus!"

The monster was pushed back to the edge of the cliff and started to lose its balance, the monster struggled to stay on the cliff but couldn't, it fell into the pit of lava and was banished.

The young mage was proclaimed a savior. He was given many gifts as the island's gratitude.

Although his celebration was short lived, he then thretened the leader of Hokkaido, saying he would bring back the monster if the could not rule.

Since then, the volcano has never erupted, and storys about the cat of fire have been told by the elders.

Many say the cat of fire would come back if a person like Allim came to power, but no one has ever seen this monster.


Till Now.................


thats the prologue!!!!!

is it good???

doremusjessup

released an evil omen

I think this would do better as a comedy in the style of Douglas Adams than a serious story. What made you want to turn it serious?

Wilem

How can you expect anyone to give you any help with this? You've posted a couple of sentences here... What exactly are we meant to say to you? I've no idea if this 'idea' would work, there simply isn't enough information for me to say.

Ok, then why not wait until tomorrow to post the whole thing?

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WillDunn

Honestly, im 15 and im working in computer lab, the bell rang.


im going to try to finish the post now

Wilem

Ok I might have been a bit harsh, but I'm only 16 so I don't see how age matters. I'm still capable of completing my messages. . Anyway, I'm intrigued on hearing what your FULL idea is, since we've gotten off to a bad start it seems.

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WillDunn

las night i finished the prologue (yes what im writing is the prologue) and im glad that im getting feedback on my story ideas

Ungood

I hate to say it... but why women?

I know it is like this ongoing thing where women need to be thrown to a monster and this helps rally the men to save the women... the stereotypical brave heroic knight-man must save Helpless-Princess-woman form Evil-Bad-Monster-Thingy type of deal... a bit overdone.. but it can work depending on how you write it.

Which brings me to my next point:

First: In reality if a monster (That had no interest in sex like a large cat made of fire, IE: Fire Cat) was just going to eat them... demanding men, around the age of 20 - 30 would be the best choice, as men have far more meat on them then women do as such would make for a better meal.

Secondly: this 'Fire Cat' thing that is living in an active volcano. The idea that it would fall into the lava and die is odd, mainly because if they lived around the lava to begin with it would seem strange that an animal like a fire cat would maintain such close proximity to what will destroy it, that seems a bit far fetched.

Third: the time frame is way too long. 7,000 years (Near to 8,000) is simply too long for a "Short Fable" like "Fire Cat" to exist and continue, and the fact that the story maintained by "Word of Mouth" is as unbelievable as the fact that there is a "Mystical Fire Cat" to begin with. When you think about this, 8,000 years is a very, very, long time. Either cut the time down or use some other means to record this event.

So far you have:

a Hero that turns evil. I'll give... this is nice twist.

The typical helpless female victims.

A large mystical beast - made of fire, not bad.

The resurfacing of the hero/villain again, this can work in many ways.

Not bad for Plot and Story.

Just need to work out the mechanics of it and see how to make it fit the mechanics of things.

Ungood.

thales

Well told. Nothing distractive, except the ending.

It doesn't seem like a prologue, because it didn't feel like it ended like a prologue. Everything seemed resolved, even though the hero threatened. What I wanted, but didn't get was an indication he would follow through with his threats.

Well told, but as a prologue, it fell flat.

I would end it with something evil in the brewing to compell the reader on.

Ungood

This is supposed to give us an idea that "Hey... this thing is coming back.. NOW..." kind of set up...

I see what you mean about the threat's however... what if someone called him on it... then what? Good point... I like that bit of perception... nice catch...


Ungood.

Inspired

Interesting idea and nice twist with the hero taking over but it did leave me with a number of questions:

Why Japan? This prologue comes across like a typical classic medieval knight(or mage) saves princess from dragon story. There's nothing here to make Japan an appropriate setting. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with using Japan but if that's the setting it just doesn't seem very, well, Japanese in any way.

Why young girls? As noted above already.

What was special about Allim, a young (and probably rookie) mage that made him (or anyone) think he could kill the beast?

Why is lava dangerous to a fire cat? If it is, why is it there?

Why would Allim even bother to take over a little half-destroyed town with a distinct lack of young women in the first place? Seems a little unambitious to me.

Why does anyone expect the firecat to return? It's also unclear if that's good or bad. Will the returning monster expel the new evil ruler or be his tool of destruction.

Keep at it, with a little work it could be a great set-up.

WillDunn

I have a title!!!!!!!

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ShabookiSkittles

I would say this looks like a good concept but you gotta proofread before you submit something man. Grammar and spelling errors all over the place. It also needs to read effortlessly, have a little fluency so it doesn't hurt the brain to read it. And FYI There are 2 things you should NEVER put as the title. "Untitled" and "Please Comment". Happy literaturing good sir. (let me know if you get further along in the story. It definatly has potential)

WillDunn

the title is "The Day THe World Was Set Ablaze"


cool???

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Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dieing Cuz' You Only GOt 1 Life

(Except when your playing HALO)

Ungood

No... reeks too much of "The Day the World Stood Still"

Ungood.

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LolliAdverbs

At the risk of sounding snobbish, I have to say that 火的貓 doesn't mean fire cat. 火の貓 is a more likely choice. (So you don't think this comment comes from nowhere, I do speak a fair bit of Japanese.)

In my opinion, you can't really always judge a story on the merit of a quick plot outline. Frankly, it sounds a little typical, but some of my favorite stories have very typical, or even stupid-sounding plots. More details are needed before I can make a real comments.

However, given what I have, my opinion is that it should be comedy. It would be pretty entertaining to have a fire cat die in lava if that were the case.