archer88iv

...and looking for comments. I'm mostly curious as to whether or not the description (or relative lack thereof) feels appropriate or too sparse.

Alternatively, I guess some of it could be too damn long. /shrug

Text:

The sun fell quickly in the west, flickering on cobblestone streets worn slick by passing generations. Van passed unnoticed through dwindling crowds that had ground to a breathless halt at his passing only yesterday. Why should they notice now? Afoot, an Imperial cavalier was just another mark for a passing thief or a smiling peddler. He was no one to fear anymore.

Those last words echoed in his thoughts: no one anymore. He stumbled into the dim-lit interior of a tavern lost in the wrong end of the city’s trade district, a place illuminated as much by the burning of tobacco as by the smoke-dulled lanterns that hung on its walls and columns. He asked a passing woman about a room for the night and she only shot him a quick smile as she shook her head.

“Great,” Van growled, losing his patience. “What about a fucking beer?”

Van’s shout, immediately regretted, filled the common room and brought a dozen or more stares his direction—as well as a warning from the proprietor. “I’ll have none of your trouble here, soldier.”

Van spat on the mat-covered floor and turned to go, but a second shout held him in place: “You! Rider!”

__________________
-J

Roxane

My problem was not the lack of description, actually I think you have a lot, but its very condensed, making it slightly hard to read. It immediately lighter when you have the conversation at the end.

Why are you trying to say so much in ONE sentence? Its like your trying very hard to make it short, I know the feeling, for example I love hemmingway, but the difference between this and hemmingway, is that he used few words that implied a lot, where as you are implying less, and saying a lot by closely knit words... Im not sure if any of that made sense, and don't get me wrong, i really liked it, and thats why im being direct. I think you have a lot of great vocabulary and ideas here, only its really not very easy to read, at least not for me. Hope you keep working with it!

archer88iv

Heheh. Yup. That one sentence was the one I was most concerned about, actually. But I also notice that I have a tendency to paint my characters with particularly broad strokes. (Like, imagine one of those paint rollers you use to make your bedroom some obscene color you regret the next week.) I'm hoping to *stop* doing that so much, but obviously I haven't figured out how.

Edited sentence:

He stumbled into the dim interior of a tavern lost in the wrong end of the city’s trade district. Inside the tavern, burning tobacco provided more light than the smoke-dulled lanterns that hung here and there.

__________________
-J

Roxane

hehehe I like the description, but actually, I dont really think your character in this piece needs any other painting, he's fine, I think... I especially like the little trip in his thoughts "no one anymore"... No, I think you actually need to work with you descriptions of the surroundings. For example in the first sentence you give two pictures at once. I like the pictures, but they might be more interesting split up. You know, just as you wouldnt paint blue AND yellow on your bedroom wall, youd split it up, have them in different rooms. Otherwise they might become brownish... tell me about the sun first how it shines on the stones. And then about the stones and the people that have walked across them

archer88iv

An unfortunate leftover of one of the other (twenty?) iterations of this piece. Makes no sense as a beginning in this case, but I haven't yet had time to replace it. It doesn't even do what it was originally supposed to do anymore.

The sun fell quickly in the west, its last red rays flickering on cobblestone streets worn slick by passing generations. Van shivered in his armor at the sight rather than at the cold wind that swept down the street, drawing his cloak tight about his worn frame. He shut his eyes at the sight of sunset only to remember more clearly what he had seen at sunrise.

He now passed unnoticed through dwindling crowds that had ground to a breathless halt at his passing only yesterday. Why should they notice now? Afoot, an Imperial cavalier was just another mark for a passing thief or a smiling peddler. He was no one to fear anymore.

__________________
-J

Roxane

its improving keep going!

ExAnimo

I like the mood you've created here. My recommendations are more about structure.

Watch the number of adjectives you use: agents and editors look for that. In one sentence, I think I counted three. Lean more toward action verbs instead. Same rule for adverbs.

I initially stumbled on 1) Van (too plain of a name, I thought you were referring to a van/auto. How about Vann instead?) and 2) "they" ("Why should they notice now?"). I didn't know who "they" were. Set up "they" first by description, then refer to them by "they."

Another tip.... Start with the protagonist. Draw the reader in with a person rather than a setting (again, agents and editors look for this in the opening).

Last tip: The opening paragraph, though nicely done, doesn't really hook the reader (at least me). Spice it up, make it bold, grab the reader by the throat (but don't make it too contrived).

Good job so far.

__________________
To do is done. To want is have. To be is now.

archer88iv

I don't honestly think that any potential future readers will have trouble with envisioning Van as an automobile instead of a person because, ostensibly, I'll be a little more diligent about marking this as a fantasy piece in the future (and best case scenario the cover art will make that obvious, right?). In the end, it's actually the simplicity of the name (and one of the alternative meanings of the word "van" that draws me to it.

I find myself tinkering with the first words and the first sentence of the average manuscript far too much, so I'd really prefer to just leave it as is for now and go on (toward the end is always a step in the right direction, right?) but I can't, really. I mean, otherwise, I wouldn't even claim I have a problem with that....

Ok, first three paragraphs edited (for the last time, I swear! Gotta move on to the rest of the scene at some point.):

A cold wind swept through the emptying streets as the sun fell in the west. Its last frantic rays ran like blood through the streets, flickering over cobblestones worn slick by passing generations. Van shivered in his armor more at the sight than at the chill, drawing his cloak tight about his worn frame. He shut his eyes at the sight of sunset only to remember more clearly what he had seen at sunrise.

He now passed unnoticed through dwindling crowds that had ground to a breathless halt at his passing only yesterday. Why would anyone notice now? Afoot, an Imperial cavalier was just another mark for a passing thief or a grinning peddler. He was no one to fear anymore.

No one to fear anymore. Those last words echoed in his thoughts as he stumbled into the dim interior of a tavern lost in the wrong end of the city’s trade district. Inside the tavern, burning tobacco provided more light than the smoke-dulled lanterns that hung along the walls. He asked a passing woman about a room for the night and she only shot him a quick smile as she shook her head.

__________________
-J

Roxane

yeah just one thing you use "streets" twice in the first and second sentence