*Angel

Working title to a fantasy story.

I posted this not that long ago in the critique and advice forum, but have done some small revisions based on the small(but helpful) critique i received on it to try and smooth out the main section. not that much, just some small sentence and word re-workings. it's still not siting right with me though. so if anyone could spare the time, i would greatly appreciated a detailed review of it, picking apart whatever you feel stands out.

anyway here's the prologue and i'll stick the first chapter in here as well once it's finished to be picked apart as well.



----------------------------------------------------

I have hope,

for I know he lives.

Nothing, let it be Water, Fire, or Earth, shall stop me.

For if it floods I shall rise above it; if fire sears my path I shall drown it; if mountains arise in front I shall break them down,

for I am determined.

If hunger takes its hold on me or of the beasts that walk this realm, I shall slaughter the beasts and still my hunger with their flesh,

for I am strong.

If Yamiarmoir should spread his blackened wings engulfing this land in darkness, I shall ignite that land and bring me light,

for I am fearless.


*****

Clawing his way over a boulder the storm grew in strength. It seemed that even the mountain conspired against his quest. His hand was almost frozen to his staff, and each mighty gust blew off his tattered hood. Holding it down was all he could do to protect himself from the now savage storm. His goal was not much farther though, for in the distance he could make out the stone obelisk that marked the entrance to the end of decade’s worth of searching. That thought alone was enough to push him through the fatigue and pain.
He crawled up against the rough stone wall of the mountain for a moment to catch his breath, never letting his goal out of sight. As the snow and ice thickened the once visible obelisk was now turning into a dark blur as if the mountain was trying to pull his goal further away. Not to let such a thing happen, he pushed himself off the wall and pressed on.
Getting closer the smell of rotting eggs filled his nose, the putrid smell was enough to turn him away after all he’s been through, yet the slight warmth that came with it was enough reason to keep moving closer.

Reaching the obelisk he could see behind it the gash in the earth where the fowl smell arose from. Heading down into the crevice the deafening roar of the wind was replaced by the sounds of constant howling and bubbling water. Nearing the bottom of his climb his footing slipped, sending him falling face down to the hard ground below just narrowly missing the boiling springs.
Pushing himself up with a groan he continued on through the roughly carved tunnel lit by torch light. Who kept such things lit in this in-hospitable region was a mystery that he couldn’t care for; all that concerned him was what was said to be at the end. As he walked on further the tunnel began to open up to a large room with a large stone coffin adorning the rear. Around the coffin three cloaked statues stood carved into the wall as if to keep an eternal guard. Their presence daunting, but stone none the less. Walking over to the coffin he could see no memorial, nothing depicting who lay resting in the stone bed. As he went around the back side of the coffin he couldn’t help but keep his back away from the faceless statues. Though simply stone, something about them was un-nerving.
Shaking the feeling, he turned his attention to a small slit cut into the coffins side. Reaching through the cobwebs he pulled out a large leather bound book and blew off the dust and cobwebs so he could make out the writing that was etched in the cover.
“The Book of the Soul.” He whispered to himself almost in disbelief.
Setting the book down on the coffin, he brushed some dirt off it to reveal more writing carved into the stone.
“Forever he shall live our lord Lùcien.”
It was true he had finally found him. The fact that his journey was really over was almost too hard to believe, but before his eyes was the only proof he needed. He had finally found him...
“Father”

lilacstarflower

my only problem is that this was too short. I was drawn in by the title. The opening paragraph was vividly written but not overly so.

Nothing more to say but I'd like to read more of this.

happy writing!

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Maetrix66

This is a pretty good start.

What you have here works well.

The opening paragraph is teetering on feeling too long, though that may just be my personal preference more than a sound literary rule.

*Angel

I thought that too, but I kind of figured it would of drew out the scene too much to the point of losing the reader. I figure if i have a following chapter that might lessen the short feeling.

Thank you.

haha first too short now too long. I know what your getting at though, i think i can probably keep the length if i re-word it to better increase the flow.

---------------

also

I've had someone tell me that i make references to him too much, using "he" and "his" too often and could replace these with simple description.

anyone have any thoughts on that?

Etrocal

I only had time for the prologue, but I really like it. The only problem, (to me at least, is this section...

If hunger takes its hold on me or of the beasts that walk this realm, I shall slaughter the beasts and still my hunger with their flesh,

The way I figure it, the character wouldn't acknowledge the planet he's on. This realm... Does that mean he knows of many other realms? If it were up to me, I'd just write 'This land'

Thats all

*Angel

@ Etrocal, i kind of see what you're getting, Your construing realm in the sense of different plains of existence, correct? though the basic definition of "realm" that i know of and used here was simply that depicting a region or territory.

I originally did you use "land" in the first draft of this piece i posted up here awhile ago, but another member actually was the one who suggested i chang it to realm, and it got a much better reaction.

Thank you very much though

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If you can spare the moment, please critique The Wolves Secret

Ungood

I want to start off by saying this is good... some very good stuff here...

I enjoyed reading what you wrote and would look forward to reading more.

I just have a few minor issues... and they involve this part.

I got a tad confused... he is holding his hood down, holding his staff and clawing his way over a boulder? That seems a bit... hard to do...

"In the distance" implies that it is level or ahead of the person... like down a path...

This makes it sound like he climbing up the face of a mountain... while holding his hood down.. and holding a staff..with the target in the distance... ?

he pushed himself off the cliff wall??

"As he got closer (to the obelisk?)the smell of rotten eggs filled his nose"

Those were my only issues...

Other then that... this looks really good... I love the "Father" ending you put in it... got me all excited...

Ungood

*Angel

thanks for all the good points ungood, guess i could of made the transition from climbing over the boulder to getting on the path a bit clearer, and that would of made more sense of what else was going on

thanks again

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If you can spare the moment, please critique The Wolves Secret

Ungood

You have a wonderful story... opening here... it builds and holds you... just some minor mechanicals and your rocking...

Also... most people that decided to (climb/hike/Travel) into fridge/Cold/Frozen/Deathly areas would commonly wear gloves or mittens.

The "Staff" part confused me as I started to imagine this "Wizard" Staff in the man's hands... perhaps if this is taking place in "Modern" times you might want to change "Staff" to climbing pick or other hiking necessity ... quite possibly a metal device for "working through ice" pick ax or something.

BTW: Realm works... leave it in... it adds a hint of fantasy to the whole thing... which might be why I imagined a "Wizard" staff... depends on what you are going for.

Ungood.

The Revelator

was that intended to be a pun? If it was it doesn't seem to fit the mood of the story so far.

I think it would sound better if you slipped a "willing" in between "not and "to".

Everything else seems to have been brought up, at least to my eyes. Sounds interesting so far though.

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"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." - George Shaw

People fear he who brings Revelations, for people fear the truth. I am an agent of truth, hence an agent of fear.

*Angel

there is actually a reason why he doesn't have them, though i removed some of the allusions for it. I might add them back in, if it feels like they wont being overbearing in the description department. I already feel like I'm borderline in that area.
Though regardless even with that added, "why" still wouldn't become clear, till about the middle of the story when the character is introduced in greater depth.

it's not modern times, I did keep it staff as opposed to other words. mainly to just falsely suggest that he may be a wizard. and also the word does slightly add to set it in a "fantasy mood"
that's pretty much what the whole prologue is, just hints



thank you

??? i'm drawing a blank on seeing the pun. though in looking at just that section of the sentence, perhaps changing "arose from" to simple "emerged" would sound better???

any opinions on that?

I very much agree.

Thank you.

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If you can spare the moment, please critique The Wolves Secret

Eli Cash

Shouldn't the title have an apostrophe?

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Ungood

All depends on how you do it...

If it is not modern times... most of my suggestions are moot...

Then this works...

and I am with you... I am drawing a blank on the pun as well.

I didn't see a problem with the arose part...

Ungood.

*Angel

perhaps, though it doesn't really matter any more. I've slightly changed the title, it is now "The Eastern Secret"

The original title was too direct in it's implications Though it was a bit more appealing i think, it just wouldn't of worked in the long run.

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If you can spare the moment, please critique The Wolves Secret

The Revelator

the word "Fowl" means bird. "Foul" is nasty. I thought it was a pun because the "Fowl" smell came from the eggs. Did you mean the bird smell or a nasty smell?

__________________
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." - George Shaw

People fear he who brings Revelations, for people fear the truth. I am an agent of truth, hence an agent of fear.