Etrocal

Hi. I'm writing a story called Legends: Drakonic War. I only finished the prologue, so tell me what you think...

Prologue: A Bolt of Fire
11:56 AM, First of May, 714.
City of Zarkoziac

“Prince Monoran, I am sorry to tell you that your father has passed away.” Monoran drew in a sharp breath. Ellius had been sick for several weeks, but Monoran was still surprised. He nodded to Belrix, the messenger.
"When did he die?" Monoran asked.
"Just this morning, in his sleep." Belrix told solemnly. Monoran glanced out of the tower window. Ellius was his father, and his mother had been dead since just after his birth. Suddenly, an explosion jolted the chamber. Monoran sprang to the window. Hundreds of soldiers dressed in light blue tunics were marching through the empire gates. Eyes widening, Monoran pushed open a door and ran to his brothers chamber.
"Rellicus! The Serenian!" He shouted to his brother, who was outside. In a mad dash, he sprinted towards the armory. Monoran took a sharp turn down a hallway, and into a the room and put a key into a stone door on the side of the room, opening his private section. He withdrew a golden sword with a ruby incrusted in it’s hilt. The color of the Drakonic. Monoran slipped on the golden plate.
Just then, Rellicus ran into the armory as well. He, more hurriedly than Monoran, armed himself with the gilded armor. "Let's go," he said, leaving into the corridor out of the castle. Just behind, Monoran followed as well. Focusing his mind, he willed the magic in his body to make the sword catch ablaze. The fire agreed quickly, as the blade of his weapon erupted into flame. Grinning, Monoran ran into the battlefield. An arrow flew past his ear. Targeting the archer that had shot, he set a ball of fire at him, instantly incinerating him. Another soldier ran up to Monoran, so he slashed the Serenian across the chest, leaving a smoldering gash there. He heard the signal for the Drakonic arches to fire, and suddenly hundreds of flaming arrows shot above his head.
Rellicus ran up to Monoran. " Watch out!" He dove forward pushing Monoran onto the ground, just as a Serenian arrow flew where he had just been.
"Thanks!" he called over the shouts of the battle. He shot a ball of flame at another Serenian, but looked to see that his brother was still on the ground. "Rellicus?" He ran over, and squatted over his brothers body.
"Rellicus?" He waited. Getting worried, he rolled over his siblings body. Blood was dripping down his forehead. "Oh my God..." he breathed removing Rellicus's helmet. There was a several inch gash on his head. "No, no, no, no..." Hastily, he signaled over a medic, to retrieve his brother. Following him, a Serenian slashed him on his wrist. Clutching the bleeding wounds, he followed the medic.
"Keep Rellicus safe," he ordered to some guards near him. Monoran ran over to his brother, who was being tended to by the medic. "Will he be okay?" He asked the doctor.
"It's hard to tell..."

About five hours later, after the Drakonic had defeated the Serenian onslaught. Monoran was waiting by the room that his brother was being cured in. He wanted to go inside, but the priest requested him to wait outside. Then, the brass handle on the wood door turned. The head Drakonic healer exited. "Prince Monoran... I am truly sorry..." Startled, Monoran pushed aside the medic and ran inside. His brother lay on a cot. Motionless. He ran up to him and crouched next to the limp figure.
"Rellicus..." He moved to the other side, seeing his brothers lifeless eyes staring at him. "Doctor, you are to signal Belrix and tell him to arrange a funeral. Tell him the king sent him." Though his brother had died, Monoran was quite happy. He was the king of the Drakonic.

"...And his soul will live on with all of us." The priest concluded at the funeral of Rellicus. Monoran walked along the stone pathway at the church. He grinned at the peasants bowing whenever he walked by. Throughout his life, he had never received such honor, even as the son of Ellius, the king of the Drakonic Empire. Many changes will be made around my empire. Monoran thought to himself. Starvation, battles over land, will all cease to exist when I am through with my vision.
"King Monoran?"
"Yes?" he responded, turning to see a poor peasant. "What is it?"
"I'm sorry to bother you sire, but I have problems that none other than the king can resolve. A new fellow has moved into the kingdom. Everyone thinks he is wonderful, but once at night... I was going to get water for my family when I saw him through his window. He was wearing the mark of the Serenian. I stopped to look, and I realized he had a painting on his wall. The painting- it was a portrait actually, of him. Dated back to 417! No one believes me, they say he is wonderful. I think he is a Serenian.."
"Unlikely as your story may be, I will not allow any Serenian to exist within my empire. I will send a scout to interrogate this man. Who is he? What does he do?" Asked Monoran.
"Well," the peasant said. "His name is Duke Stormberg. He is a blacksmith who specializes in steel and iron. He lives in Sector 4, near the stream."
"Thank you, I will investigate. Come to Sector 12 at four o'clock, meet me at the gate." Monoran said.
"Thank you king..." The peasant said, bowing on his way out of the church. Could there possibly be a Serenian living within my empire?
"Belrix!" The king called," investigate Sector 4, near the stream. Look for Duke Stormberg.”
"Yes, my sire..." Belrix said, leaving the room. About two hours later, Belrix arrived at Sector 4. Duke Stormberg, Thought Belrix. Duke Stormberg... Where is he? He should be near the stream. After about 15 minutes Belrix arrived at the stream to find out that there wasn’t a house in sight. There's the stream, but where’s the house? After about two hours of searching, and asking citizens. After a handful of confused replies, he realized that Duke wasn't there at all. After traveling back to the castle, he went to Monoran’s room. He knocked on the stone door. No answer. He knocked again. Still no reply. Cautiously, he opened the door. The last thing he saw was a bolt of fire.

The Revelator

Hey, so far so good, a few errors and corrections that might help.

The "so" is rather redundant, you could remove it and the sentence would flow better.

Also, I realize that as the writer you reserve the right to write whatever you **** well please, but you might want to change "medic" to "cleric" to hold with the fantasy/sword-fighting feel.

the part at his brother's funeral. I don't think he would exactly be grinning, unless he's a cery callous and uncaring character. A good change would be "smiling warmly, but sadly".

So far its been in third person, without quotes or a leading statement to show it to be in his thoughts, it switches to first person right here. You could italicise that and add "he thought to himself".

Other than that its good. Good storyline and the rest of the writing seems good, to my limited grasp of the english language (as I'm a senior in high school).

__________________
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." - George Shaw

People fear he who brings Revelations, for people fear the truth. I am an agent of truth, hence an agent of fear.

Etrocal

Okay, I changed a few things, except the grin. Fact is, later in the book, he is the evil king. the following page has a comepletely different character, far in the future,. Anyway, here's the revised edition...

Prologue: A Bolt of Fire
11:56 AM, First of May, 714.
City of Zarkoziac

“Prince Monoran, I am sorry to tell you that your father has passed away.” Monoran drew in a sharp breath. Ellius had been sick for several weeks, but Monoran was still surprised. He nodded to Belrix, the messenger.
"When did he die?" Monoran asked.
"Just this morning, in his sleep." Belrix told solemnly. Monoran glanced out of the tower window. Ellius was his father, and his mother had been dead since just after his birth. Suddenly, an explosion jolted the chamber. Monoran sprang to the window. Hundreds of soldiers dressed in light blue tunics were marching through the empire gates. Eyes widening, Monoran pushed open a door and ran to his brothers chamber.
"Rellicus! The Serenian!" He shouted to his brother, who was outside. In a mad dash, he sprinted towards the armory. Monoran took a sharp turn down a hallway, and into a the room and put a key into a stone door on the side of the room, opening his private section. He withdrew a golden sword with a ruby incrusted in it’s hilt. The color of the Drakonic. Monoran slipped on the golden plate.
Just then, Rellicus ran into the armory as well. He, more hurriedly than Monoran, armed himself with the gilded armor. "Let's go," he said, leaving into the corridor out of the castle. Just behind, Monoran followed as well. Focusing his mind, he willed the magic in his body to make the sword catch ablaze. The fire agreed quickly, as the blade of his weapon erupted into flame. Grinning, Monoran ran into the battlefield. An arrow flew past his ear. Targeting the archer that had shot, he set a ball of fire at him, instantly incinerating him. Another soldier ran up to Monoran, which he slashed across the chest, leaving a smoldering gash there. He heard the signal for the Drakonic arches to fire, and suddenly hundreds of flaming arrows shot above his head.
Rellicus ran up to Monoran. " Watch out!" He dove forward pushing Monoran onto the ground, just as a Serenian arrow flew where he had just been.
"Thanks!" he called over the shouts of the battle. He shot a ball of flame at another Serenian, but looked to see that his brother was still on the ground. "Rellicus?" He ran over, and squatted over his brothers body.
"Rellicus?" He waited. Getting worried, he rolled over his siblings body. Blood was dripping down his forehead. "Oh my God..." he breathed removing Rellicus's helmet. There was a several inch gash on his head. "No, no, no, no..." Hastily, he signaled over a medic, to retrieve his brother. Following him, a Serenian slashed him on his wrist. Clutching the bleeding wounds, he followed the cleric.
"Keep Rellicus safe," he ordered to some guards near him. Monoran ran over to his brother, who was being tended to by the medic. "Will he be okay?" He asked the doctor.
"It's hard to tell..."

About five hours later, after the Drakonic had defeated the Serenian onslaught. Monoran was waiting by the room that his brother was being cured in. He wanted to go inside, but the priest requested him to wait outside. Then, the brass handle on the wood door turned. The head Drakonic healer exited. "Prince Monoran... I am truly sorry..." Startled, Monoran pushed aside the medic and ran inside. His brother lay on a cot. Motionless. He ran up to him and crouched next to the limp figure.
"Rellicus..." He moved to the other side, seeing his brothers lifeless eyes staring at him. "Doctor, you are to signal Belrix and tell him to arrange a funeral. Tell him the king sent him." Though his brother had died, Monoran was quite happy. He was the king of the Drakonic.

"...And his soul will live on with all of us." The priest concluded at the funeral of Rellicus. Monoran walked along the stone pathway at the church. He grinned at the peasants bowing whenever he walked by. Throughout his life, he had never received such honor, even as the son of Ellius, the king of the Drakonic Empire. Many changes will be made around my empire. Monoran, thought to himself. Starvation, battles over land, will all cease to exist when I am through with my vision.
"King Monoran?"
"Yes?" he responded, turning to see a poor peasant. "What is it?"
"I'm sorry to bother you sire, but I have problems that none other than the king can resolve. A new fellow has moved into the kingdom. Everyone thinks he is wonderful, but once at night... I was going to get water for my family when I saw him through his window. He was wearing the mark of the Serenian. I stopped to look, and I realized he had a painting on his wall. The painting- it was a portrait actually, of him. Dated back to 417! No one believes me, they say he is wonderful. I think he is a Serenian.."
"Unlikely as your story may be, I will not allow any Serenian to exist within my empire. I will send a scout to interrogate this man. Who is he? What does he do?" Asked Monoran.
"Well," the peasant said. "His name is Duke Stormberg. He is a blacksmith who specializes in steel and iron. He lives in Sector 4, near the stream."
"Thank you, I will investigate. Come to Sector 12 at four o'clock, meet me at the gate." Monoran said.
"Thank you king..." The peasant said, bowing on his way out of the church. Could there possibly be a Serenian living within my empire?
"Belrix!" The king called," investigate Sector 4, near the stream. Look for Duke Stormberg.”
"Yes, my sire..." Belrix said, leaving the room. About two hours later, Belrix arrived at Sector 4. Duke Stormberg, Thought Belrix. Duke Stormberg... Where is he? He should be near the stream. After about 15 minutes Belrix arrived at the stream to find out that there wasn’t a house in sight. There's the stream, but where’s the house? After about two hours of searching, and asking citizens. After a handful of confused replies, he realized that Duke wasn't there at all. After traveling back to the castle, he went to Monoran’s room. He knocked on the stone door. No answer. He knocked again. Still no reply. Cautiously, he opened the door. The last thing he saw was a bolt of fire.

Etrocal

Yeah, so this is chapter 1. It's a little confusing with the constant view point changing, but bear with me. Here it is...

Chapter 1: The Mountain Range
6:48 PM, Twelfth of June, 1372.
Westwillow Village


James Barcklebie walked down a dusty dirt path, leading to his house. He was roughly as tall as is mom, but she was on the short side. He lived in a small town called Westwillow, near Sinopwah Lake, which James was walking back from. He and his friend, Spencer Gray, commonly went swimming there, sometimes with other friends. It was about an hours walk, but James didn’t mind.
“So, Spencer, can you spend the night at my house?” James asked, looking over. Spencer shook his head.
“No, my parents said that they had a guest coming over tonight and I had to be there.”
“Oh well,” said James, shrugging. Then he raised an eyebrow. “Who’s coming over?”
“Um... I’m not really sure. One of my dads friends from work,” Spencer explained. James nodded, he knew who Spencer’s dad was. He was a master blacksmith.
The two walked back together without speaking much. The sun was just creeping under the distant mountains, causing an eerie orange glow to be cast upon the land. There were several puffy clouds in the sky, slowly floating above.
James loved this kind of weather. Always so calm, so peaceful. He smiled as a small gust of wind blew back his hair. “Well, I gotta go,” Spencer said. They had reached Westwillow, and Spencer lived near the front of town.
“Later,” James said waving as Spencer turned away. James, living near the heart of the town still had a ways walk to go.
Distant laughter could be heard from the inside of houses, of families eating together, or exchanging stories. James couldn’t help but grin.
After walking for another five minutes, James had almost reached home. A cool breeze picked up, making James shiver. He jogged the rest of the way to his house. Inside, he was greeted by the sweet scent of chicken.
“Hi James, how was your day today?” Came his mothers sing-song voice from the kitchen.
“Good,” was James’s simple reply.
“Your dad should be home any minute now, so get washed up for dinner!” James ran inside a restroom, and put his hands in a tub of water. While scrubbing, he heard the front door of his house open. James assumed it was his dad. After drying off, he walked inside the kitchen. His dad was sitting down on a stool at the counter, talking to James’s mom, Elaine.
“-Yeah, the Serenian recruited him too,” Harold, James’s dad, said.
“Really?” Came Elaine’s surprised response. “I can’t believe that. Why do the Serenian need that many soldiers? And he just had a son. What was his name? Tommy?”
“I think so- Oh, hi James!” Harold had just seen James, so he turned in his direction. “Did you do anything interesting today?” He asked, with some obvious mock interest.
“Nothing much, me and Spencer went swimming at the lake,” James told. Harold smiled, then went back to talking to Elaine. Knowing he wasn’t part of the conversation, James walked to his room and lay down on his bed. He could still hear his parents talking, through the thin walls of his house. “Wasn’t he over forty?” Came Elaine’s voice.
“Nah, I think he was only thirty-five or so,” James’s dad said.
“Really?” Elaine exclaimed. “He looked much older than that. Don’t tell him I said that,” she said, quickly. Harold chuckled.
“Your secrets safe with me. Oh, hold on. James! Dinner!” He called. James hopped off of bed, and ran into the kitchen. A cooked chicken was steaming on the table, and three plates had been put out. Harold was sitting down, and Elaine was making her way over to the chair.
“Come on, James,” Elaine said. James instantly obliged, and jogged over to the table, helping himself to a drumstick. “Wait, so was that four people this year?” Elaine asked James’s dad.
“I think so... Weird,” he replied.
“Whuh happened?” James asked, cheeks full of chicken.
“James, don’t talk with your mouth full. What did you say?” She asked. James signaled for her to wait a second, forcefully swallowed, and then was ready to speak.
“I said, what happened?” James asked.
“Oh, well... This year, four people have been recruited to join the Serenian army,” Elaine explained.
“Wait, I didn’t know there was a draft going on. Who got recruited?” James asked.
“Nobody you know. wait, maybe. Do you know a girl named Megan at school?” Harold asked. James nodded, mouth full again. “Her dad.”
“Really?!?” James exclaimed. Harold nodded solemnly. They finished the meal in silence.

At about ten o’clock, James bid his parents goodnight and went into his bedroom. He took out his book, (Dawn of Gorgerath,) and eventually fell asleep.

At dawn, the rays of sunlight shone dimly through the drapes over the window in James’s room. He mumbled, rolling over. Yawning, he arose from the sheets, stretching his arms. He swung his legs over the bed and stood up, swaying slightly. He walked into the kitchen. Naturally, Elaine was in there, cooking breakfast. she turned to face James.
“Morning James,” she said, yawning. James greeted her, and went to sit down at the table. “Did you have any dreams?”
James slightly grinned; Elaine always asked if he had a dream. “Not today, Mom.” James picked up a piece of bread, and began eating.
“Don’t eat to much. I can only get more on Thursday.” Elaine cautioned. James nodded, putting the loaf of bread down. After finishing his meal, he said goodbye to his mother, and went outside. It was during Summer, so he didn’t have school. However, he sometimes missed it. Often he got bored, whenever Spencer or his other friends were away.
James walked over to Spencer’s house, and rapped on the door. It swung open, and behind it was Spencer’s mother, Gene. “Hi James, how are you today?” she asked kindly, slightly tilting her head to the right.
“Good Mrs. Gray. How about you?” James asked, knowing it to be polite to pretend to care about how his friends mom was.
“Great. I’m guessing you’re looking for Spencer?” She asked. James nodded, brown hair getting in his eyes. “Spencer!” Gene called. He came jogging to the door. “I have things to do. Have fun you two,” Gene said, walking back inside.
“Bye Mom!” Spencer called, just before closing the door. “So,” Spencer said, turning his head to face James. “Now what?”
“A few days ago, I saw a trail in the mountains. Wanna go check it out?” James asked.
Spencer shrugged. “There’s not much else to do, eh?”
It was about an hour and a halves walk away on foot. “So...” James said, trying to think of something to talk about. “I saw you eying Sadie yesterday,” James said. Sadie Bushman, a girl from school that they had bumped into at the lake.
“Shut up,” Spencer laughed, lightly elbowing James.
“Come on, when are you gonna tell her you love her?” James mocked. Spencer shoved James, still laughing.

This went on for the rest of the trip to the mountains. Finally arriving, James showed Spencer where the path he found was. There were plenty other trails which were commonly gone on, but this new one was grown in with shrubs, and didn’t have any of the usual footprints.
James jumped over a bush onto the path. It was hard to tell whether it was natural or man made; The trail was barely visible, but still there all the same. James ducked his head to avoid a low hanging tree, one of the few on the mountains.
Birds could be heard chirping away in the distance,and the common rustling of animals in the bushes were loused than ever. “Do you know where this goes?” Spencer asked, just avoiding a yucca bush. A rustling in a bush made him jump slightly.
“No idea,” James replied. “Let’s just wait and see.”
So they kept following the trail. James lost track of how long it had been, but all he knew was that the sun was almost directly over them, making James sweat. There had been several forks in the trail, so James and spencer had taken random choices. James was pondering whether to go back, in fear of getting lost, just as things got more interesting.
Lying down in front of them was a skeleton of a creature James had never seen before. It was roughly the size of a dog, but had spikes on it’s skull, running down it’s back. Also, it had two wings, attached to the things spine.
“What the hell is that thing?” James said, taking a step back. Slowly, he moved closer.
“...I dunno...” Spencer said, barely audibly. And then James saw it. A letter, tied to the creatures front leg. James inched forwards, crouching down to untie the envelope from the beasts leg. After a minute or so, the twine came undone. James was left holding a rustic old letter, yellowing slightly. He carefully opened it.
“What’s it say?” Spencer asked excitedly.
Some of the letters were different than what James usually read. K looked like J’s, and J’s had another prong on it, making it look kind of like a backwards C.
And so James began reading...



Rapier-
Tensions are rising. I’m sorry I had to write using your code name, but actually using yours is too risky. Listen. I see an army. It’s coming here. They’re dressed in red. Are they yours? Either way, I think whatever peace we have is now over. And if that wasn’t enough bad news... I’ve been seeing more rifts. Small, almost invisible, but there. I saw something moving in one. I pray to God that none of them find any. I need to prepare for battle. The war has begun. Ready yourself.
Just Be safe,
-Falchion

”Well, what does it say?” Spencer asked, pulling James’s shoulder out of the way to see the note. James wordlessly handed the note to Spencer, thinking about its content.
While reading it, Spencer blinked. “Any ideas?”
“None. We need to show this to somebody. Anybody. It could mean something bad,” James said, almost to quickly to understand.
“No. Look how old it is? Look at that... Thing. This is old news. Really old.” Spencer concluded. James nodded.
“We should still get back home,” James said. Spencer nodded. They turned around, and tried to find their way back to the town.
“Do you remember the way back?” Spencer asked.
“...I think so. Let’s go,” James said, and then began walking.

It had been almost four hours, and the sun was already edging under the mountain. James and Spencer cast long shadows over the shrubs.
“We’re lost,” James said at last. “Holy crap, we’re lost. God Damn It!” James shouted, throwing the letter he was holding onto the ground. “It’s almost dark!”
“Calm down. Listen, we’ll make it back,” Spencer said. The two kept on the path. Still, they saw nothing. Nothing but plants and dirt. “We need to go to the top of one of those mountains. We’ll look for home from there,” Spencer said. James nodded, and they headed towards the nearest mountains.

It took almost an hour to reach the top. By the time they did, only dim light shone over the top of the peaks. The sun was gone, coldness enveloping them. Clouds slowly ran over the night sky, blocking out the normally illuminated stars. “I can’t see anything,” James said, scanning all the ground around him for Westwillow. Nothing.
“Now what?” Spencer asked, sitting down, resting his elbows on his knees. He shivered slightly, then lay his head back. “We should stay here overnight,” he said, answering his own question.
“No,” James said forcefully. “Come one, you know what kind of things live up here. And we’ll freeze,” James noted, as a cold gust of wind blew through the air. “We need to keep going. That’s all that matters.”
“Fine, but if we don’t find town in two hours, were going to make a camp. I can try to make a fire,” Spencer said. James reluctantly nodded, moving ahead without waiting for Spencer. He jumped up and jogged up to James.
Then, the rustle of a bush. James snapped his head at it. Again, the bush moved. There was something in there. “Spencer, I’m gonna leave. Look in that bush,” James said, slowly backing up. Spencer raised an eyebrow, and looked towards the shrub. Just as he did, a wolf silently walked from its hiding place. It was ready to pounce. “Make loud noises,” James quietly commanded Spencer. But before they could, the wolf pounced. James grimaced, closing his eyes and turning away. And then came the scream.
The wolf had attacked Spencer. He had screamed, and was lying on the ground, the ravenous wolf gnawing at him. A spike of adrenaline shot through James, which compelled him to kick the beasts side. It yipped, and turned its head to face James. he picked up a rock, and through it. It hit the wolf square in between the eyes. It yelped, and bolted off.
“Spencer!!!” James yelled, running up to him. Dark blood was pooling up on Spencer’s shoulder, dripping onto the ground. James crouched, tearing off the part of the shirt covering the bleeding shoulder. The wound was deep, running down through Spencer’s chest. Blood was on his lips.
“Spencer, can you hear me? Spencer!” James said, lightly pushing Spencer. He mumbles something inaudibly. He shook slightly.
James stayed there the rest of the night, bearing the cold. Eventually, James fell asleep, still at Spencer’s side.
It was a long night.

James woke at dawn, shielding his eyes from the sun, shining brightly just over the mountaintop. Spencer was awake too, not strong enough to move. His skin was pale.
James temporarily forgot where he was, then saw the pool of hardened blood next to him. He shot up, examining Spencer. He was breathing, causing James to sigh in relief. “J... James? What happened?” Spencer said, voice barely a whisper.
“Wolf. Are you okay?” James demanded. Spencer tried to sit up, but his hand flew over to the wound, and he lay back down again.
“Wolf? Oh yeah...” Spencer said, voice slowly getting louder. “We need to get home. I think I can move.” He tried to sit up again. He grimaced, but eventually managed to stand. Still clutching his cut, he said, “Let’s go.”
James could see the pain in his face, but nodded. Spencer walked forward slowly, stopping after the third step. “I can make it,” he said, wincing.

Etrocal

Here's the rest.

* * * * * * * *

“Where could the boys be? They were gone all night!” Elaine said, sitting in a chair next to Gene.
“I heard them say they were gonna go hiking. Maybe they got lost?” Replied Gene.
“No, they’re smarter then that. They’d never get lost. Especially in the mountains. They’ve been there a hundred times,” Elaine said, optimistically.
Then Harold, who had been eating a piece of bread pitched in. “Let’s just go look for them in the mountains. It’s not that far. Gene, you can borrow my other horse.”
“That sounds good,” Elaine said.
“Should we leave now?” Harold asked.
“No, I need to find a sitter for Spencer’s little brother, Kenny,” Gene explained. Elaine nodded.
“Hurry up. Me and Harold will saddle up the horses. Come on,” Elaine said, signaling Harold to follow her. He stood up, and walked outside. Gene soon followed.



* * * * * * * *

“Okay stop. I think it’s bleeding again,” Spencer said, sitting down on a rock near him. James sat down on the dirt next to him.
“No, it’s not bleeding,” James said, after examining the wound. It had mostly scabbed over.
“Fine, let’s go,” Spencer said reluctantly, grimacing as he stood up once again. They had already stopped like this four or five times (James lost count,) but had still been traveling for almost three hours. The sun was almost overhead, causing James to cover his eyes with his hand. They had just hiked over a reasonably large hill, and James was looking for the town. Or at this point, any trail at all.
All seemed lost. “I’m hungry,” Spencer whined.
“When we get back, we’ll get food. So hurry up,” James commanded, gradually growing annoyed of Spencer’s many problems with life. Then James thought of the situation they were in.
“I see a flame!” Spencer said, drawing his right hand from his cut to point. James looked, and only saw water, light reflecting off the sun.
“That’s a pond. No, wait... That’s a lake. Sinopwah!” James exclaimed. it was far enough away to look like a pond from that distance, but it was the lake. “Come on!” James yelled, running forward.
“Wait up,” Spencer hollered, trying to catch up with James.

After almost two hours of walking, they finally reached the lake. They knew where they were, and were going back home.



* * * * * * * *

“Hurry up Gene, we need to find the boys!” Elaine called, arms around Harold’s waist on the back of their palomino, Bayou. Gene them came, on the back of the Barcklebie’s other horse, Dulie.
“Ready,” Gene said, brushing back the red hair from her eyes. “Let’s go,” she said, kicking the horses sides, launching her forward.



* * * * * * * *
James and Spencer had decided to stop by the lake, to get a drink and clean Spencer’s gash out. He winced he splashed some water on it. “Hey, wanna go swimming? Just for a few minutes.”
“Why not?” James replied, taking off his shirt. he and Spencer dived into he water. After about twenty seconds, Spencer came screaming and flailing out of the lake. the flailing ripped the scab open, causing fresh blood to rise in the lake. He swam back to the shore, and crawled out.
“You okay?” James asked, getting out of the water himself. Spencer, still clenching his teeth together, violently shook his head. “Maybe we can get help,” James suggested. “Look, I think I see two horses. Maybe if I run?” But it was too late, the horses were galloping, and in a tuft of dust, were already out of view.
“Never mind, they’re gone.” James said, turning to Spencer.
“Oh well, come on. We’ll be back in town soon.”




* * * * * * * *

“Don’t slow down, Gene. We’re gonna lose you!” Harold called over the hooves of the horses. They had been galloping for the last half hour, and they had already past Sinopwah lake. In about fifteen minutes they’d be at the trail.
“Do you really think we’ll find them?” Elaine asked.
“How far could they have gotten?” Replied Gene.
“Not far,” Harold said, attempting to comfort her. Apparently, he was failing at it.
“But what if they’re hurt? There’s wolves, and bears, and-” Harold cut her off.
“Okay, shut up. They’re fine. Like a wolf is going to attack two boys on a hiking trail. Or a bear.” Harold was getting slightly annoyed from Gene, but at least she had a good reason.
“Don’t be paranoid,” Elaine said. “I’m sure they’re okay. I’m just sure of it,” she said. Gene still looked doubtful.
“I hope so...”



* * * * * * * *

“How much longer? My leg’s are getting tired.”
“For God’s sakes Spencer. You been here a thousand times. You know how far. Ten minutes. At your rate, twelve.” James said. He was obviously frustrated. “I can’t wait to get home. I’m starving.”

After a few more minutes of walking, they made it back to town. Spencer walked off first to his house, leaving James walking by himself. Everyone was outdoors at this time of day. Kids were playing and parents were outside, doing various activities.

However, Spencer got home first. He walked inside, expecting to be hugged and kissed by his mom until he forcefully pushed her away. Instead, he got a girl he had never seen before, making a sandwich.
“Can I help you?” She asked sweetly. Spencer raised an eyebrow.
“Um... Excuse me lady, but who the hell are you?” Spencer asked, making his way inside the house.
“The people that live hear hired me. Who exactly are you?” She asked. Spencer didn’t acknowledge her. He continued walking into the living room, where he saw his four year old brother, (Kenny,) playing with one of his friends.
“Kenny,” Spencer demanded. “Who is that girl?”
“The’s the baby thitter,” he replied.
“Where is Mom?”
“Looking for Jame-th.” Kenny told. He then turned around to play with his friend.
Then Spencer then realized what was happening. His eyes widened, and he ran out the door.




* * * * * * * *

Elaine, Harold, and Gene had made it to the mountain trail. Now they moved more slowly. “Harold, I thing I see footprints,” Elaine said. She dismounted, examining the ground. “Yes, they were here.”
The followed the footprints up the trail, but then they stopped. “No more footprints...” Harold said to himself.
“No, look, Over here!” Gene called. She had found the hidden pathway that the boys had taken. Carefully, Harold walked the two horses through the ingrown shrubberies.

They continued on the trail for a few hours. And then came the surprise.




* * * * * * * *

“Spencer!” James called, running from his house. His mother hadn’t been there. “Mom’s not there. Dad either.”
“They’re looking for us!” Spencer called, running up to James, stopping to get his breath back. “They think we’re still missing.”
James actually smiled. Oh well, hopefully they’ll realize we’re not there. They’ll come back sooner or later.

And so James and Spencer decided to continue they’re days normally. they considered going to look for their parents, but common sense told them otherwise. They figured they’d probably get lost again. “Hey James,” called Chris, someone James knew from school.
“Hey Chris,” James said, waving.
“I heard you were lost? I though your parents were looking for you.”
“They are, I found my way back. I think they’re still in the mountains.”
Chris laughed. “I wonder what’s happening...”






* * * * * * * *

“What the hell is that thing?!?” Elaine screeched, jumping back. They had been following footprints for almost two hours, going quicker on horseback. Elaine stood panting, staring at the skeleton. “I- I recognize that. I- I thought they were extinct.”
“They still might be,” Harold added.
“So... The boys were here?” Gene asked quietly. Elaine nodded solemnly. “We need to go back. We’ll get lost,” Gene said.
“No,” Elaine said forcefully. “We need to find the boys.”

So they continued following the footprints. After several more hours of riding, they saw something else on the ground. Elaine dismounted, (she regularly did,) to examine it. It was a yellowing old letter, laying on the ground. She picked it up, and read it out loud.
“What could it mean?” Gene asked, after Elaine finished.
“I can’t tell...” Harold said, taking the note from his wife. Shrugging, he gave it back. She pocketed it. “It’s getting dark. We should go back.”
“No!” Gene yelled, causing Harold and Elaine to jump. “Not without the boys.” Harold shrugged, and hopped on the horse, (Bayou,) and began riding again. They were having a hard time tracking the footprints in the dull light.
After a few more hours of tirelessly searching, they slowed down. The footprints were virtually invisible. Elaine dismounted, crouching on the ground. “What’s this...?” She said, picking up something on the ground. “A cloth... Wait... Blood!” She yelled, jumping up, still holding it. “It’s covered in blood!”
Harold jumped off the horse, to grab it. “It’s part of a shirt. Do you recognize this Elaine” He handed it to her.
After examining it closely, she shook her head. “No... Do you Gene?” She asked handing the material over.
Gene looked at it, and began shaking her head. And then stopped. “Th-This is... Sp-Spencer’s...” She sat down, hiding her face with her hands. Elaine sat down next to her, placing an arm around Gene’s shoulder.
“Im sure he’s fine...” She said, Though she knew it to be otherwise. “He’s not here. that means he made it further off. Let’s keep going, okay?”
After wiping the tears from her eyes, Gene stood up. “Okay... Let’s go.” Elaine got back on the horse, and Gene got back on hers. They were off once again.


* * * * * * * *

“Hm... I can’t believe how long they’ve been gone. Were they out all night?” Spencer asked James, sitting on a tree branch at lake Sinopwah.
“Yeah, my parents didn’t show either... How’s your arm, by the way.” James said, resting his head on his hands.
“Not bad... A lot better, at least,” Spencer said.
“Good. I wonder when Mom and Dad will come back. Hope it’s soon, I’m getting lonely.” James said.
“They’ll eventually give up. I’m sure. Really.”


* * * * * * * *

Elaine, Harold, and Gene were all asleep on the trails of the mountains. The horses were grazing around, attempting to eat the dried up shrubs. Wolfs howled in the distance.
Dark clouds were now gathering, blotching out the starry sky. Rain drizzled down on the sleeping figures, causing one of them to stir.
Elaine sat up, wiping the cold water off her face. The others were still asleep, even in the rain. it had been a long day. Elaine tried to fall asleep again, but couldn’t. She lay awake, until Gene stirred. She sat up, shaking her head causing some of the rain to come out. She murmured something, lying down, still awake.
It was raining harder now. The heavier drops of rain woke up Harold as well. He rolled over, and sat up. “Is anyone else awake?” He asked quietly. Both Gene and Elaine acknowledged him. “We need to keep looking for the boys.”
With that, he hopped up and called the horses, who trotted up expectantly. Harold signaled the other women to come over, and they were back on their way.

“Where are we?” Elaine called, after riding around for a few hours. The rain had partially subsided, making it easier to see. They had been calling for James and Spencer so much that she was horse.
“I’m not sure. I think near the main trail,” Harold called.
“I hate to say this, but I bet the boys are already home. We’ve been everywhere. We should at least go back to check up.” She called, holding on tighter to Harold’s waist when the horse jumped.
“I’ll agree to that,” Gene said, wiping the hair fro her face. She was shivering from the cold. “But we’ll only go to town for a few hours. If we don’t find them, we’ll come back.”

And so they were off, to get back to town. The only problem was, they didn’t know where they were.



* * * * * * * *

“Okay, I am worrying about Mom and Dad now,” James said to Spencer, who nodded back in agreement.
“Should we look for them?” He asked. James shook his head.
“I think we should wait one more night. If they’re not back by tomorrow morning, we’ll go.” James concluded. Again, Spencer nodded.

Late that night, James was sleeping in his bed. He heard the door open, so he immediately jump out from the sheets and ran in. Both his parents were standing there, covered in water.
“We found our way out,” Harold said, satisfied. James raised an eyebrow.
“What happened?” He asked.
Elaine nodded smugly. “We’ll tell you tomorrow.” She said. And with that, she and Harold went into their bedroom. Very soon after, they were dead asleep.

The Revelator

With out an exclamation mark it doesn't seem like an exclamation. You could try "Elaine said with surprise".

Either "secret's" or "secret is/are". I'll read the rest later cause I gotta go,

__________________
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." - George Shaw

People fear he who brings Revelations, for people fear the truth. I am an agent of truth, hence an agent of fear.

The Revelator

that many punctuation marks aren't necessary, pick one ha ha.

"hour and a half's"

No offense, but this sentence is so bland it almost pains me. Make it a little more interesting, "They carried on in this lighthearted, joking manner until the reached beginnings of towering mountains". Especially since this begins a new paragraph, you need to reinforce what they're doing.

Try this to flow better. "James showed Spencer where he had found the path". I'd still recommend adding in a bit more detail, use some descriptive words in places like this to help keep the reader's attention.

__________________
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." - George Shaw

People fear he who brings Revelations, for people fear the truth. I am an agent of truth, hence an agent of fear.