Chapter One of Planet Finder(working title) - Writers Forum

Rune_74 · 04-06-2008, 02:56 PM

The airlock hissed and shuddered open to reveal the interior of the shuttlecraft. In the narrow metallic blue cabin, seats lined both walls. The shuttle could easily accommodate the amount of children in the lift as well as their belongings. Sarah sighed and looked around at the other children; they seemed as nervous as her.

Sarah had arrived at the elevator two days ago in a foul mood. Her mood had not improved on the long ride into space. She had to be here and she would have to do as was expected; that did not mean she had to like it. What it did mean though, she was stuck here and had better get used to it.

Sarah walked forward with the other children. The cabin quickly filled up as she made her way down the aisle. She picked a empty seat near the window and sat down quietly. Out the window it looked as lonely as she felt; she did not want to talk to anyone so she stared out into space.

The two seats beside her were quickly filled. A young boy of perhaps twelve had sat beside her; his hair a mess and a sour look on his face. She assumed he did not want to be here as well. In the other seat a girl of the same age had sat down. She had red hair cut close to her head, and if it wasn’t for the pink jumpsuit, Sarah would not have been able to tell she was a girl.

“This is not going to be good,” said the messy haired boy. “My name is Samuel.”

“Sarah,” she replied.

“Olivia,” the other girl said.

“Have you been on a ship before?” he asked.

“No, this will be my first time, how about you?” Sarah asked.

“No, never. My family could not afford this. Without the selection process I would never have been on one I don’t think.”

“Selection process,” The other girl said. “I never wanted to be part of that!”

“Attention passengers, please attach your harnesses in preparation for departure.” A pleasant female voice echoed throughout the cabin.

Sarah shifted in her seat and attached the harness around her waist. She felt both excited and sad that their voyage to the ship they would call home had started. She knew it would take her away from everything she had known in her entire life. She was still in a form of shock that she had been selected for this; only three other girls and two boys had been from her city.

Through the window she could see two other shuttles as they left the elevator. She assumed they were full of unhappy children too. Not all of them were unhappy to be here; there had been a few on the elevator who had been excited the entire trip, to the point she had wished they would have stopped talking if even only for a bit. She wondered how many other shuttles had made this same trip to the larger vessel.

“There are a lot of children here,” Samuel said.

“Well it’s not like they only picked ones from your neighborhood,” Olivia responded.

“I know that, it’s just, I don’t know, crazy that it has come to this.”

“Come to this,” Sarah said. “What has it come to exactly…?”

“I’m not sure, I’m really not,” Olivia said.

“It’s not like they had a choice, my parents told me it was overpopulation that was causing this, that the selections had to be made. Sacrifices to the greater good,” said Samuel. Sarah had almost believed him.

“Have you been told what we will be doing?” Olivia asked.

“No, I haven’t, I’m not sure anyone has.” He responded.

Sarah shook her head, she had not been told anything as well. In fact, her parents had told her the only information they had received was that she was to be at NASA Space elevator 1 at no later than ten A.M. on the 20th of September.

A large clunk indicated their shuttle was leaving the elevator housing, thrusting towards the larger ship. The sensation of motion was almost nonexistent in the shuttle; to Sarah it felt as if she had little actual weight. The actual flight had very little resemblance to the movies; there was no high speed thrust of the engines. To Sarah it felt actually quite peaceful and quiet.

“This sure feels weird,” Samuel said, breaking the silence. “I mean, it’s nothing like I expected.”

“Nothing like the movies,” said Olivia.

Through the portal Sarah could see earth as the shuttle accelerated its way towards the spaceship. To her, it looked so small, a disc of oceans and land displayed like a toy. She wondered what was happening below her at this very moment, if things would change when she was gone. When they were all gone, did they even know where they were sending them, did they care?

These questions whirled through her head as the shuttle made its lazy drift towards the spaceship; a trip that would most likely take a few hours. A few hours with a shuttle full of people she did not know, who at the moment she didn’t want to know. She wanted to go home, to see her mom and dad. Neither one of them had been selected. No one she actually knew had either. She thought of her grandmother and her cousins as well, they also would never see her again. She sighed, at the moment she didn’t know what was going to happen.

They had only been allowed a single bag, a small one at that, to bring with each person. The list of allowable items had been very restrictive, only a few personal items and entertainment. Sarah had brought a family album and her diary, along with a few other small items. These included: a ribbon she had been given by her older brother, a few combs and a golden necklace from her mother. The bag had not been nearly large enough to allow her to bring everything she wanted.

The things she had left behind caused her a pang of sorrow in her heart; she really missed her room. She didn’t have a lot of things, but she did have a nice bed set that she had always loved. She thought back on the nights she spent in that bed reading or listening to music. She had always liked reading it had allowed her to escape for awhile. She had brought her only actual hard copy book, a gift from her parents, with her so that she could have that at least to read. The pages frayed from the multiple times she had read <book title to come>; it was at least one thing she could keep from home.

The house she had shared with her parents and brother was not a large house, but it was large enough to fit them comfortably. The modern design allowed easy access to all the bedrooms, eating area, and bathroom. She had spent many mornings getting ready for school and eating breakfast on the run; something she knew was long behind her now. She would most likely never see her brother again as well. That line of thought did not do anything to improve her mood.

Her parents were not bad by any means; they cared about her a lot. They had not been happy at all when the email had arrived stating their household had been selected for one of the Planet Finder missions, this being what the government called the selection process. The email had been a simple message stating congratulations you have been chosen; this in a form letter with her name inserted in the proper place to make it personal. She remembered hearing her mother crying and her father trying to console her. He had said that they could fight it legally and that perhaps she was too young to go; of course neither was true.

She whipped the tear from her cheek; Sarah was done crying. She felt too tired of crying; too many nights had already been spent like that. She sniffled, although this is not where she wanted to be she would have to make the best of it.

The cabin lights had dimmed as the shuttle had left the elevator dock and a presentation of the safety features of the craft was displayed on a large overhead screen. The safety directions ranged from what to do if depressurization occurred, to what to do if there was a fire. Sarah did not think she would like to experience any type of emergency.

When the safety directions had ended a new video had began. The static displays dissolved into a video of a woman who proceeded to welcome them aboard the program. Sarah tried to not like her, but the more she talked the better she felt.

“Welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen, I am Captain Kenmore,” she said. “I know many of you wonder what we have in store for you and where we are going. I want you to know that you can rest assured all these answers will be coming to you soon.”

Around the cabin many of the children started to mutter and talk amongst themselves.

“Trust me, we have not brought you here without a solid plan in place, many years have been spent on this. Please pay attention, you do know I can see you as well, correct?” she said.

Everyone in the cabin had gone completely silent, except for the boy in the back seat. She sighed, he had been crying since we started the elevator ride why stop now.

“Right, so let’s get one thing straight, you are here to learn and do a great thing for humanity as a whole,” she smiled. “Yes, sounds daunting, but I assure you this mission we are on is very important. Many of you here will be doing some great things one day and I’m here to make sure you are ready for that responsibility.”

This announcement did little to quiet the boy in the back.

“So, enjoy your flight we will be meeting officially soon,” she said as the connection flashed out.

She sat there stunned; in less than two minutes this lady had come on a video to tell her she was there to change her life. To Sarah it seemed very military. She looked around the cabin and listened to snatches of conversation as well; she was not the only one who felt this way.

“Well, I’m not sure how we should take her,“ Sam said.

“I don’t think she will give us much of a choice how to take her,” Olivia replied.

“She did look kind of stern,” he agreed.

“I don’t think she has much choice,” Sarah said.

Samuel looked at her with a frown, “Why do you say that?”

“Do you think she wants to leave her family behind as well, I doubt she had a choice in the matter,” Sarah was not sure she even believed what she had just said. She had no idea where the officer was from or for that matter what she thought.

“She does look rather uptight,” Olivia remarked.

Sarah could not help but smile at that, she did look uptight. “I can’t argue that,” she replied.

Sound blared from the speakers announcing the start of the daily news report. The report was done every day and let the United Earth confederates know the overall global news. Sarah knew before the program started what the topic would be today. It would be the same topic that started two days ago, the one with happy children boarding the elevator to space, they waved happily to their parents and climbed on board. Sarah did not recall seeing them actually on the elevator but supposed they could have been on a different run; if there was a different run.

The screen changed to display happy children running onto a shuttle happy and laughing; followed by a reporter stating that things were progressing smoothly. This was a very different scene then the one she had witnessed as she had exited the elevator. The program continued on to interview a few children and drone on about the happiness of all involved.

“Who are those guys?” Samuel said.

“I have no idea, I have never seen them before,“ replied Olivia as she looked around the shuttle.

“I never saw them on the elevator either,“ Samuel said.

“Maybe it was a different elevator they took?” Sarah said, even though she knew that wasn’t possible.

“They are not even wearing these awful jumpsuits they gave us!” Samuel said, picking at his blue jumpsuit. All the boys had blue jumpsuits and the girls pink ones.

Conversations in the cabin had increased in tempo and volume; they were not the only ones to notice these details. Sarah felt a little worried about what was happening so far, things did not seem right. There had been protests on earth about them going on this program; people had marched in Washington and London as she had seen on the news. The security at the elevator had been very heavy, the military had been involved and the police had been out in full force in all major cities. Even the relatively small town of Lakewood, Washington had their police out in full. Tension had been rising across the world as the days drew closer to the four flights leaving.

Outside of the shuttle she could see the outline of a large ship silhouetted against the sun. The distance between the shuttle and ship still seemed far, but the ship was very large. So large that it did not seem to be a ship but a floating city. Around the ship she could see many small lights that zoomed in and out of docking bays and container ships. To her, it looked like a busy bee hive, with bees flying in and out on a crazy zig zag motion that only they could figure out. The sheer size of the ship both awed her and increased her fear of what was coming.

The shuttle continued its trek towards the ship, its thrusters sending gentle rumbles throughout the cabin. As they approached the side of the ship Sarah could see more details of the ship; its sheer size was incredible. Little pods littered the side of the ship in what seemed like a haphazard layout, some pods had large domes with what looked like forests inside them. Smaller pods looked like electronic devices of some sort and many little shuttle bays were peppered across the side of the ship.

“Man, can you see the size of that thing?” Samuel asked.

Sarah didn’t answer, she couldn’t. This had been a long day and the ship had made her speechless. Why were they being taken there? What is on that ship? So many questions circled in her head, too many to really think about.

“Please fasten your Harness and prepare for docking aboard the <shipnameto come>”

The shuttle had become as quiet as a tomb.

End for now.

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This is the first chapter of a book I am writing. It has been lightly edited and I plan on adding some more details at a later date. I had originally posted a small sample of it on the members only board but I thought I would post this here to get a general idea of interest.

Thanks for any comments in advance and I welcome all input/critiques.

Dave

Sam Winchester · 04-06-2008, 03:51 PM

The airlock hissed and shuddered open to reveal the interior of the shuttlecraft. In the narrow metallic blue cabin, seats lined both walls. The shuttle could easily accommodate the amount of children in the lift as well as their belongings. Sarah sighed and looked around at the other children; they seemed as nervous as her.

Sarah had arrived at the elevator two days ago in a foul mood. Her mood had not improved on the long ride into space. She had to be here and she would have to do as was expected (maybe remove the "was" here, Dave); that did not mean she had to like it. What it did mean, though, she was stuck here and had better get used to it (you can write this a little better: "It meant, instead, that she would not be able to leave; something she'd have to get used to". Try to avoid using "was" too much)

Sarah walked forward with the other children. The cabin quickly filled up as she made her way down the aisle. She picked a empty seat near the window and sat down quietly. Out the window (simply "outside") it looked as lonely as she felt; she did not want to talk to anyone so she stared out into space.

The two seats beside her were (omit) quickly filled. A young boy of perhaps twelve had (omit) sat beside her; his hair a mess and a sour look on his face. She assumed he did not want to be here as well (try "either"). In the other seat, a girl of the same age had (omit) sat down. She had red hair cut close to her head, and if it wasn’t for the pink jumpsuit, Sarah would not have been able to tell she was a girl (would not have known her gender).

“This is not going to be good,” said the messy haired boy. “My name is Samuel.”

“Sarah,” she replied.

“Olivia,” the other girl said.

“Have you been on a ship before?” he asked.

“No, this will be my first time. [H]ow about you?” Sarah asked.

“No, never. My family could not afford this. Without the selection process I would never have been on one, I don’t think.”

“Selection process,” [t]he other girl said. “I never wanted to be part of that!”

“Attention passengers, please attach your harnesses in preparation for departure,” [a] pleasant female voice echoed throughout the cabin.

Sarah shifted in her seat and attached the harness around her waist. She felt both excited and sad that their voyage to the ship they would call home had started. She knew it would take her away from everything she had known in her entire life. She was still in a form of shock that she had been selected for this; only three other girls and two boys had been from her city.

Through the window she could see two other shuttles as they left the elevator. She assumed they were full of unhappy children too. Not all of them were unhappy to be here; there had been a few on the elevator who had been excited the entire trip, to the point she had wished they would have stopped talking if even only for a bit. She wondered how many other shuttles had made this same trip to the larger vessel.

“There are a lot of children here,” Samuel said.

“Well it’s not like they only picked ones from your neighborhood,” Olivia responded.

“I know that, it’s just, I don’t know, crazy that it has come to this.”

“Come to this,” Sarah said. “What has it come to exactly…?”

“I’m not sure, I’m really not,” Olivia said.

“It’s not like they had a choice. [M]y parents told me it was overpopulation that was causing this, that the selections had to be made. Sacrifices to the greater good,” said Samuel. Sarah had (omit) almost believed him.

“Have you been told what we will be doing?” Olivia asked.

“No, I haven’t. I’m not sure anyone has,” [h]e responded.

Sarah shook her head. [S]he had not been told anything as well ("either"). In fact, her parents had told her the only information they had received was that she was to be at NASA Space elevator 1 at no later than ten A.M. on the 20th of September.

A large clunk indicated their shuttle was leaving the elevator housing, thrusting towards the larger ship. The sensation of motion was almost nonexistent in the shuttle; to Sarah it felt as if she had little actual weight. The actual (try not to use "actual" twice in such quick succession) flight had very little resemblance to the movies; there was no high speed thrust of the engines. To Sarah it felt actually quite peaceful and quiet.

“This sure feels weird,” Samuel said, breaking the silence. “I mean, it’s nothing like I expected.”

“Nothing like the movies,” said Olivia.

Through the portal, Sarah could see earth as the shuttle accelerated its way towards the spaceship. To her, it looked so small, a disc of oceans and land displayed like a toy. She wondered what was happening below her at this very moment, if things would change when she was gone. When they were all gone, did they even know where they were sending them; did they care?

These questions whirled through her head as the shuttle made its lazy drift towards the spaceship; a trip that would most likely take a few hours. A few hours with a shuttle full of people she did not know, who at the moment she didn’t want to know. She wanted to go home, to see her mom and dad. Neither one of them had been selected. No one she actually (this does nothing other than add a meaningless word to this sentence) knew had either. She thought of her grandmother and her cousins as well; they also would never see her again. She sighed. [A]t the moment she didn’t know what was going to happen.

They had only been allowed a single bag - a small one at that - to bring with each person ("them"). The list of allowable items had been very restrictive, only a few personal items and entertainment. Sarah had brought a family album and her diary, along with a few other small items. These included: a ribbon she had been given by her older brother, a few combs and a golden necklace from her mother. The bag had not been nearly large enough to allow her to bring everything she wanted.

The things she had left behind caused her a pang of sorrow in her heart; she really missed her room. She didn’t have a lot of things, but she did have a nice bed set that she had always loved. She thought back on the nights she spent in that bed reading or listening to music. She had always liked reading - it had allowed her to escape for awhile. She had brought her only actual (this word is pointless. What is an "actual" book? Are there books which aren't "actual"?) hard copy book, a gift from her parents, with her so that she could have that at least to read. The pages frayed from the multiple times she had read <book title to come>; it was at least one thing she could keep from home.

The house she had shared with her parents and brother was not a large house, but it was large enough to fit them comfortably. The modern design allowed easy access to all the bedrooms, eating area, and bathroom. She had spent many mornings getting ready for school and eating breakfast on the run; something she knew was long behind her now. She would most likely never see her brother again as well. That line of thought did not do anything to improve her mood. (Do we really need to know about this now? Save it for later. This takes away from the flow of the passage.)

Her parents were not bad by any means; they cared about her a lot. They had not been happy at all when the email had arrived, stating their household had been selected for one of the Planet Finder missions, this being what the government called the selection process. The email had been a simple message, stating "congratulations, you have been chosen"; this in a form letter with her name inserted in the proper place to make it personal. She remembered hearing her mother crying and her father trying to console her. He had said that they could fight it legally and that perhaps she was too young to go; of course neither was true.

She whipped (wiped?) the tear from her cheek; Sarah was done crying. She felt too tired of crying; too many nights had already been spent like that. She sniffled, although this is (tense change. Everything beforehand has been in past tense; this is present) not where she wanted to be, she would have to make the best of it.

The cabin lights had (you don't need all these "hads," Dave.) dimmed as the shuttle had left the elevator dock, and a presentation of the safety features of the craft was displayed on a large overhead screen. The safety directions ranged from what to do if depressurization occurred, to what to do if there was a fire. Sarah did not think she would like to experience any type of emergency.

When the safety directions had ended, a new video had began (you cannot say "had began". It is grammatically incorrect. It's either "began" or "had begun". In fact, you don't need "had" at all. Simply "a new video began"). The static displays dissolved into a video of a woman who proceeded to welcome them aboard the program. Sarah tried to not like her, but the more she talked the better she felt.

“Welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen. I am Captain Kenmore,” she said. “I know many of you wonder what we have in store for you and where we are going. I want you to know that you can rest assured - all these answers will be coming to you soon.”

Around the cabin, many of the children started to mutter and talk amongst themselves.

“Trust me, we have not brought you here without a solid plan in place. [M]any years have been spent on this. Please pay attention. [Y]ou do know I can see you as well, correct?” she said (asked).

Everyone in the cabin had gone completely silent, except for the boy in the back seat. She sighed - he had been crying since we started the elevator ride; why stop now?

“Right, so let’s get one thing straight: you are here to learn and do a great thing for humanity as a whole,” she smiled. “Yes, sounds daunting, but I assure you this mission we are on is very important. Many of you here will be doing some great things one day, and I’m here to make sure you are ready for that responsibility.”

This announcement did little to quiet the boy in the back.

“So, enjoy your flight. [W]e will be meeting officially soon,” she said as the connection flashed out.

She sat there stunned; in less than two minutes this lady had come on a video to tell her she was there to change her life. To Sarah it seemed very military. She looked around the cabin and listened to snatches of conversation as well; she was not the only one who felt this way.

“Well, I’m not sure how we should take her,“ Sam said.

“I don’t think she will give us much of a choice how to take her,” Olivia replied.

“She did look kind of stern,” he agreed.

“I don’t think she has much choice,” Sarah said.

Samuel looked at her with a frown, “Why do you say that?”

“Do you think she wants to leave her family behind as well? I doubt she had a choice in the matter,” Sarah was not sure she even believed what she had just said. She had no idea where the officer was from or for that matter what she thought.

“She does look rather uptight,” Olivia remarked.

Sarah could not help but smile at that - she did look uptight. “I can’t argue that,” she replied.

Sound blared from the speakers announcing the start of the daily news report. The report was done every day and let the United Earth confederates know the overall global news. Sarah knew before the program started what the topic would be today. It would be the same topic that started two days ago; the one with happy children boarding the elevator to space, waving happily to their parents and climb[ing] on board. Sarah did not recall seeing them actually on the elevator but supposed they could have been on a different run; if there was a different run.

The screen changed to display happy children running onto a shuttle happy and laughing (you've already told us they're happy. No need for this); followed by a reporter stating that things were progressing smoothly. This was a very different scene then the one she had witnessed as she had exited the elevator. The program continued on to interview a few children and drone on about the happiness of all involved.

“Who are those guys?” Samuel asked.

“I have no idea. I have never seen them before,“ replied Olivia as she looked around the shuttle.

“I never saw them on the elevator either,“ Samuel said.

“Maybe it was a different elevator they took?” Sarah said, even though she knew that wasn’t possible.

“They are not even wearing these awful jumpsuits they gave us!” Samuel said, picking at his blue jumpsuit. All the boys had blue jumpsuits and the girls pink ones.

Conversations in the cabin had increased in tempo and volume; they were not the only ones to notice these details. Sarah felt a little worried about what was happening so far. [T]hings did not seem right. There had been protests on earth about them going on this program; people had marched in Washington and London as she had seen on the news. The security at the elevator had been very heavy. [T]he military had been involved and the police had been out in full force in all major cities. Even the relatively small town of Lakewood, Washington had their police out in full. Tension had been rising across the world as the days drew closer to the four flights leaving.

Outside of (omit) the shuttle she could see the outline of a large ship silhouetted against the sun. The distance between the shuttle and ship still seemed far, but the ship was very large. So large that it did not seem to be a ship but a floating city. Around the ship (no need to say "the ship" all the time. "It" will suffice, as long as we know you're still talking about the ship, which we do) she could see many small lights that zoomed in and out of docking bays and container ships. To her, it looked like a busy bee hive, with bees flying in and out on a crazy zig zag motion that only they could figure out. The sheer size of the ship both awed her and increased her fear of what was coming.

The shuttle continued its trek towards the ship, its thrusters sending gentle rumbles throughout the cabin. As they approached the side of the ship Sarah could see more details of the ship; its sheer size was incredible. Little pods littered the side of the ship in what seemed like a haphazard layout, some pods had large domes with what looked like forests inside them. Smaller pods looked like electronic devices of some sort, and many little shuttle bays were peppered across the side of the ship.

“Man, can you see the size of that thing?” Samuel asked.

Sarah didn’t answer. [S]he couldn’t. This had been a long day and the ship had made her speechless. Why were they being taken there? What is on that ship? So many questions circled in her head, too many to really think about.

“Please fasten your Harness and prepare for docking aboard the <shipnameto come>”

The shuttle had become as quiet as a tomb.

End for now.

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The story's good, Dave, but you struggle a slight bit with grammar and punctuation - i.e., too many commas where full-stops are needed; too many repetitive words. You can't string sentences together without having something to qualify them. Nothing that a good read won't solve. The Elements of Style is a decent book for that. But reading any book should give you a general idea of sentence structure. One other thing - "Sam said," "Sarah said," "Olivia said," is very monotonous. You don't need to tell us who's speaking if it's obvious.

Anyway, I hope I've helped with this.

Sam.

Rune_74 · 04-06-2008, 06:21 PM

As usual Sam you have helped me. I find all your comments very helpful and informative. What I'm hoping with chapter 1 is that I give enough to hook the reader.

I am still trying to get over the f act I am writing a sci fi novel when it is not my genre of choice. At the moment I have written approximately 10000 words of it, not all of it edited of course. I do have the major plot thought out and I am working on sub plots now.

Funny you should mention Elements of Style, its sitting on my desk staring at me, one more book for me to read. I am slowly getting better and I have so many ideas waiting to come out. I have to say this site has been a boon to me so far.

Once again, thanks Sam. (You would definitely be on my short list of people I would show work to be edited)

RebelliousFantasyLover · 04-06-2008, 07:10 PM

I agree with Sam, he has helped you out alot and gave you some good stuff to work with what i read of chapter one is it flows great and has a potential to be a good story keep it up and dont forget everyone has their own ideas and yours is quite good so keep it up

RFLxx

joifulartist84 · 04-07-2008, 07:17 PM

I'm excited to see more sci-fi on this forum (I like the genre) and I'm interested to find out where you take this story. Just curious, why did you write a story in sci-fi if it's not your chosen genre?

I'm not sure what age the children are intended to be. I think they're supposed to be 8-10 but they seem much older by their dialog. If the children are much older, they start getting mad when you call them "children".

I think kids in that situation would be much more upset about leaving their families and scared about the unknown ship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rune 74

“They are not even wearing these awful jumpsuits they gave us!” Samuel said, picking at his blue jumpsuit. All the boys had blue jumpsuits and the girls pink ones.

This sentence explaining the difference in jumpsuits seems out of place here. Maybe it would be better off with the description of the girl with the short hair; how Sarah knew she was a girl by her jumpsuit.

Samuel and Olivia are (I'm assuming) important characters, but it reads almost as if they are the only ones in the shuttle besides Sarah.

Hope my thoughts on it are helpful, good luck!

Rune_74 · 04-07-2008, 09:07 PM

The reason I chose to write a scifi novel? I think because it asked to be written, it came easy to me. I have a major situation that happens later in the book completed, which will take the book off in a new direction. Now, meaning when I get down to it, I will fill the info between the start and the middle. I have written chapter 2 and 3 as well and part of 6.

Also, the children are around 12 to 13, obviously some detail I need to add.

I'm really no fan of any genre when reading, I can read just about anything. Although I prefer more imaginitive stories.

This being my first write through of chapter 1 I plan on going back and adding a few details to flesh it out.

I have also written a couple short stories you can see in the members only area, I'm particularily fond of The Hangover, check it out if you like.

joifulartist84 · 04-07-2008, 10:08 PM

Sure, I'll look for "The Hangover".

I think that you can infer their age without saying it. But at that age, they're really going to hate it if they're treated like children. The best way to treat them like children is to put the girls in pink and call them children.

I'm probably being nitpicky about silly things, but it's things that stand out to me when I read it.

Rune_74 · 04-07-2008, 10:20 PM

I wanted to make it feel very institutional. Very impersonal, maybe IWill have to work on that. Nitpicky is better then saying everything is great anyday.

Dave