"OUT OF THE ICE" check it out Let me know what you think - Writers Forum

Gate · 04-06-2008, 04:08 AM

“Out Of The Ice”

The helicopter decending over the Silent expanse deep in the Antartic interior was sending up huge talcum clouds of loose snow. The landing area should have been sprayed down with a light fog of water-salt.
“I can’t see a damn thing!” Pete Conrad the pilot yelled toward McIntyre (Mac) Geffe. Geffe was flying in to see why the drilling crew had missed check in last night.
“Terrain avoidance system on?” Geffe asked yelling over the noise from the helo’s screaming turbine.
“Yeah but it defaults to warning lights inside twenty five feet” the pilot explained.
“I’ll just set us down real damn slow” Almost before he got the last word out the men jolted lightly forward in their seats. The chopper was down. Mac Waited for the blades to slow and the engines to die down before he opened the door. His mind was on his drill master Ted Fingle. Ted was one of the best in the world. Mac re-read the comms officers report. ‘December, 28th 2010 22:47 Contact with Big John drill crew @ 22:35 Drilling proceding through 71,000 ft., All well.’ ‘December, 29th 24:01 No Contact.All com checks complete….Satellite “ping” procedure conducted, negative response. The drill derrick was fifty yards behind them. Mac slid the door open and was immediately seized by the numbing cold. As much as he hated to come out to ‘site’ it was his responsibility.
“I’ll Make sure they got on a fresh pot Pete” Mac shot before he shut the door”
“Ok great, I’ll be there right after I finish the shut down”
“Roger that” Mac said back. He closed the door.
A few moments later Pete heard some frantic screaming coming from the direction of the derrick.
He popped open his small slider to stick his head out and see what the commotion was all about.
“Start it up!” Mac was screaming and running toward the chopper. He fell, looked back toward the derrick.
“Start it up now. NOW!!”
“For God Sake hurry!!”

Fourteen years ago in 2012 China and India’s Economies were swelling to unprecedented Proportions. The two former ‘third worlders’ had begun to show signs of economic and fiscal savvy right before the collapse of the American dollar in 2009. Massive exports to the U.S. and the European Union had caused the surge. The price for these two behemoths growth was costing the U.S. dearly. When the two countries struck a bargain with O.P.E.C. for 50% of their proven oil reserves it left the U.S. stranded in a no mans land of economic decline. Exxon and a mid sized independent, Anadarko Petroleum Merged to create, Exarco World Energy. With Exxon’s Money And Anadarko’s expert geologist the hunt for more fossil fuels was on. New developments in high grade ceramics lead to the worlds Deepest drilling.A discovery in the interior Antartic in late 2010 was poised save the U.S. The reserve was estimated at seven times larger than all the middle east put together. Then it happened. Drilling deeper then ever before Exarco discovered the buried civilization. At 71,284 feet the drill hit empty space. Problem was, it wasn’t empty at all. 4,500 feet below the bore hole was a vast city. And that discovery preceded the end of life as we knew it.
Today is April 7th 2026
.
There are only a few of us left. What we know isn’t much. What we don’t know could fill volumes. Yesterday the code discovered eight years ago imbedded in the Viral D.N.A. the drilling had loosed on the world was broke. It wasn’t man made, But it was designed by something or some intelligent life form. The message was a warning. Too Late.

SO WF PEEPS HOW DO YOU LIKE IT SO FAR???? More to come

JustinThyme · 04-06-2008, 04:19 AM

Not bad. Spelling's good, but I think you omitted a word or two.

Tsaeb XIII · 04-06-2008, 06:51 AM

Not bad. Personally, I think it needs something before it. While dry info dump prologues can work (forgive me if this isn't meant to be a prologue, it just feels like one), I prefer an action based scene beforehand.

Regarding the actual concept, it sounds promising, although there are a few things that jump out as awkward. First, the whole oil deposit under the States feels unnecessary - wouldn't it work just as well to have them digging for oil, but then strike the cavern? It feels like unrelated info, though that's just my opinion. And second, the bit where you say:

Quote:

hit empty space. Problem was, it wasn’t empty at all.

feels odd. I know that technically, there is nothing wrong with it, and I can see what you're aiming for, but it just feels weird.

Finally, in a continuation on my suggestion for the action section prior to this info block, I would probably move the last paragraph to the beginning, and then add some filling between the two sections - preferably a scene flowing on from paragraph containing whoever your main characters might be, in some sort of precarious situation.

Just my two cents.

Tsaeb XIII · 04-06-2008, 06:53 AM

[Sorry, accidental double post]

Gate · 04-06-2008, 03:42 PM

Thanx guys .....action prologue forth coming.

Gate · 04-07-2008, 04:28 PM

I made some changes hope its better

Gate · 04-08-2008, 04:10 PM

anything else??

Gate · 04-11-2008, 02:43 AM

Ok Where is Sam!!!

Ungood · 04-11-2008, 08:25 AM

I got all excited as I read this.... overall it gave me a good feel for something that might be a wild ride into a great Sci-Fi Thriller...

Just some points... mostly mechanical issues...

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

“Out Of The Ice”

The helicopter decending over the Silent expanse deep in the Antartic interior was sending up huge talcum clouds of loose snow. The landing area should have been sprayed down with a light fog of water-salt.
“I can’t see a damn thing!” Pete Conrad (Either call him Pete or Conrad the need for a double name for someone that is earing a red shirt is not needed) the pilot (You might not even need a name, just call him the Pilot) yelled toward McIntyre (Mac) Geffe (No one has Mc in their given name as the prefix Mc is reserved for Surnames) . Geffe was flying in to see why the drilling crew had missed check in last night.(Last night? That is fast... I mean... really fast... I think it would take more then a day just to fly to the arctic by chopper)

“Terrain avoidance system on?” Geffe asked yelling over the noise from the helo’s screaming turbine.
“Yeah but it defaults to warning lights inside twenty five feet” the pilot explained.
“I’ll just set us down real damn slow” Almost before he got the last word out the men jolted lightly forward in their seats. The chopper was down. Mac Waited for the blades to slow and the engines to die down before he opened the door. His mind was on his drill master Ted Fingle. Ted was one of the best in the world. Mac re-read the comms officers report. ‘December, 28th 2010 22:47 Contact with Big John drill crew @ 22:35 Drilling proceding through 71,000 ft., All well.’ ‘December, 29th 24:01 No Contact.All com checks complete….Satellite “ping” procedure conducted, negative response. The drill derrick was fifty yards behind them. Mac slid the door open and was immediately seized by the numbing cold. As much as he hated to come out to ‘site’ it was his responsibility.
“I’ll Make sure they got on a fresh pot Pete” Mac shot before he shut the door”
“Ok great, I’ll be there right after I finish the shut down”
“Roger that” Mac said back. He closed the door.
A few moments later Pete heard some frantic screaming coming from the direction of the derrick.
He popped open his small slider to stick his head out and see what the commotion was all about.
“Start it up!” Mac was screaming and running toward the chopper. He fell, looked back toward the derrick.
“Start it up now. NOW!!”
“For God Sake hurry!!”

(Fade to Black Here - or let us know it is a Intro End)

Fourteen years ago in 2012 China and India’s Economies were swelling to unprecedented Proportions. The two former ‘third worlders’ had begun to show signs of economic and fiscal savvy right before the collapse of the American dollar in 2009. Massive exports to the U.S. and the European Union had caused the surge. The price for these two behemoths growth was costing the U.S. dearly. When the two countries struck a bargain with O.P.E.C. for 50% of their proven oil reserves it left the U.S. stranded in a no mans land of economic decline. Exxon and a mid sized independent, Anadarko Petroleum Merged to create, Exarco World Energy. With Exxon’s Money And Anadarko’s expert geologist the hunt for more fossil fuels was on. New developments in high grade ceramics lead to the worlds Deepest drilling.A discovery in the interior Antartic in late 2010 was poised save the U.S. The reserve was estimated at seven times larger than all the middle east put together. Then it happened. Drilling deeper then ever before Exarco discovered the buried civilization. At 71,284 feet the drill hit (a massive void) empty space. Problem was, it wasn’t empty at all. 4,500 feet below the bore hole was a vast city. And that discovery preceded the end of life as we knew it.

Today is April 7th 2026
.
There are only a few of us left. What we know isn’t much. What we don’t know could fill volumes. Yesterday the code discovered eight years ago imbedded in the Viral D.N.A. the drilling had loosed on the world was broke. It wasn’t man made, But it was designed by something or some intelligent life form. The message was a warning. Too Late.

SO WF PEEPS HOW DO YOU LIKE IT SO FAR???? More to come

That is what I have... I am sure others will help you with grammar and such, as those are not my things.

Ungood

Gate · 04-12-2008, 05:44 AM

UN,
yeah thanks alot the void' really is much better ...and upon rereading I will likely make similar changes ...anyway I'm on the way with more soon... t
Thanx again
gate aka Brad

Gate · 04-12-2008, 05:48 AM

oh yeah ...later in the story we see that geffe flew in from the science station on the antartic coast.....so he was already there Ill clarify it..also I went to college with a dude namecd Mcintyre....I sorta "lifted his name....interesting I thought

Ungood · 04-12-2008, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

oh yeah ...later in the story we see that geffe flew in from the science station on the antartic coast.....so he was already there Ill clarify it..also I went to college with a dude namecd Mcintyre....I sorta "lifted his name....interesting I thought

Then make it Mcintyre not McIntyre.. the capital makes all the difference when applying it to names.

Ungood

Gate · 04-14-2008, 06:38 PM

ooooooohhhhhhkayyyy