Kindled- Prologue (Fantasy, YA) - Writers Forum

JMStone · 04-04-2008, 05:35 PM

Hey everyone,
Here's the prologue to my novel Kindle, from (what will someday [hopefully] be) the "Set Ablaze" series. Any comments would, of course, be greatly appreciated! The prologue is meant to be a bit misleading, so I hope that doesn't turn anyone off. The first chapter dives into what is the main story and the plot line follows two sisters (neither of whom are in this prologue). The prologue is important for later information to be revealed in the book, though, so it is relevant- I swear!

Thanks & write on!

--

The deep darkness of the wood had engulfed the form of an already shrouded woman. A faint ambient light was cast briefly from the moon above allowing for little visibility on her path. The underbrush was thick here, but her feet did not tangle in it—her vision was quite good at night. She could see the vague darkened shapes of trees looming before her and the outline of fallen, moss-covered logs. The heavy musky odor of the forest was almost overpowering. Her lips pulled into a slightly twisted grin as her mind found what it had been waiting for. She stopped before the edge of a clearing, standing noiselessly and still; her ears straining against the unnatural silence.

A sudden shock of white light shot past the woman. The beam continued forward for just another instant before it made contact with a nearby pine. There was a violent explosion against the tree and the light quickly fell into a cloud of shimmering dust before disappearing completely. The aftershock sent an audible tremble through the forest before it grew silent once again. The stiff night air seemed to grow, if possible, more still. Not a sound met the woman’s ears as she stood motionless, breath bated, her mouth suddenly dry, waiting for the crack of a branch—movement from the forest.

They were here.

She had expected it. Not knowing exactly when they would show themselves; but she had seen them coming all along, of course. Her hands slid lithely to a thick leather belt between which two jet-black daggers were hidden. Her fingers traced their familiar outline—relishing in the warmth that spread across the smooth once-cold stone by her very touch. A sly smile tugged at the corner of her lips as she scanned the pitch black woods before her.

“Very sneaky…” she almost purred to the night air.

The laugh of a humorless man echoed hollowly as he made his way swiftly through the trees and into the clearing. “She told us you’d know.” He had appeared as suddenly as his jet of light, stepping silently toward the tall outline of the woman. The clouds above parted momentarily, shedding a soft glow upon the man’s calloused appearance. His face was pulled taught—his skin looked weathered and pockmarked against the shadows. He had deep brown eyes that reflected eerily-red in the light. But through his disgusted tone there was an underlying sound of what was unmistakably awe. The woman who stood before him was nothing short of extraordinary. He knew that. He had been told what she was capable of, but he had never been able to witness it himself. A part of him was excited, the other terrified, knowing that there was a good chance he might not make it out alive.

One wrong move was all it would take.

The dagger—a “wand” as her people had so cleverly nicknamed them—clutched tightly in the woman’s right hand twitched ever so slightly. The end of the blade caught in the dim light shed by the moon above. His heart’s pace quickened at the sight.

Shadows fell once again upon the pair as the moon retreated behind a thick blanket of clouds. There was a moment of eyes adjusting as they took each other in.

“You’re not alone,” the woman stated unemotionally. “At least two others.” She paused, not waiting for an answer, but as though she was remembering something. She laughed lightly—almost good-naturedly. “Sometimes I am just severely underestimated.”

The man faltered for a moment, caught off guard by her keen senses. “There are more,” he agreed, inching his way slightly toward her composing himself once again. “We just need some information. There won’t be any trouble. You know who it is we’re looking for.”

The woman’s half-smile had widened to a full grin. His mind games were not only transparent—they were downright laughable. “You see this is where we hit a snag. I won’t be giving you any information,” she laughed harshly, one of the daggers twirling between her fingers. “And there will be trouble.”

With one fluid movement the forest erupted into a frenzy of light.

The tree directly behind the woman shuddered as one of the jets made contact with its trunk, showering down once again into a cloud of glimmering smoke. A ghostly, very faint, glow was left in the spell’s wake—it’s path lingering through the air. She crossed her arms immediately in front of her—a low growling sound rumbled through the woods as soon as her wrists locked. A soft iridescent light spread before her. The other two had made themselves visible now, and light swirled blindingly around the woman. Her shield held strong against their attack, however, and the screaming spheres of light recoiled upon hitting the barrier between herself and the others. Some of the beams turned back toward their casters; whizzing freely through the night until a living target of some kind was hit. The forest quivered against the onslaught—branches exploding by the very force of the spells.

Her hands were trembling with the effort to keep her shield lit; adrenaline pounding through her veins. More than anything she wanted to fight. This is what she had been waiting for. Her fingers itched for it—the smooth granite beneath them desperate for use. The daggers had grown hot in her palms, yet she relished in their heat—knowing it signaled her strength.

You can’t hold on to that forever,” taunted the man as the lingering spells slowly disappeared; the light fading from his face. He held a hand up to two figures flanking him; halting their assault. “And here I was hoping for a good fight…"

As quickly as her wrists had linked they uncrossed again; the daggers slashing through the air.

It was rare that she missed her target.

From the tips of the flashing daggers burst a stream of pure-white light. Her hands were a blur as complicated movements sent forth a dizzying array of spells. The man who had approached her first crumpled over immediately after one made contact with his chest; not able to react quickly enough to her reflexes. Unimaginable pain had gripped him and spread into his midsection. He grasped at his stomach, unable to speak—incapable of moving. A low hiss was all that could escape his suddenly slack jaw. Blood had begun to run freely through his now tattered pant leg; staining his clothing and the ground as it went.

The woman had moved on to his counterparts. Though the dark made combat increasingly difficult her sensitive eyes were able to adjust. She could see that one of the figures before her was a familiar woman she had dealt with before. If the lighting were better she was sure a scar would be visible across the better part of her face.

An uncharacteristically cruel smile spread across her lips at the thought.

She darted toward a thicker outcrop of trees by the edge of the clearing, dodging the continuing assault—occasionally being showered by exploding beams of light hitting the surrounding wood. Her mind had closed off. The fight enveloped her. Every move she made was instinctual. Though she could not keep up a permanent shield, she intermittently locked her wrists, the same low hum reverberating from the spell, before her hands continued with the assault. Her eyes repeatedly dilated, as countless explosions ripped through the forest. Blinding light would engulf her vision for an instant only to be replaced immediately by deep darkness once again. Smokey-gray swirls of spell-paths lingered in the air, leaving behind a sickly sweet smell.

With what seemed like little effort, the woman crossed the daggers before her chest once again, creating an “X”, and then dropped the weapons back to her sides with a hard slicing motion. A gust of air and a crossed-pattern of sparkling white-light rushed toward the pair. The second, unfamiliar, man managed to dodge her attack, but the very force of the spell had been enough to rock the scarred woman off her feet. She was sent careening backward, her hands flailing uselessly as she did. There was a loud thud as her head came in contact with something incredibly hard.

The remaining man growled low in his throat. With a jerk of his arm a long, thin, black club slid into his hand. He grinned lopsidedly as recognition dawned upon the woman’s face.

"Finally…” she mocked as a dagger twirled between her fingers—a move unique to her combative style—waiting to strike again. “I was beginning to think one to three was unfair…”

With a flick of his wrist the rod ruptured into a fiery glow. Another movement and a deafening crack split the night. A long, blazing whip was now clutched in his hands. Sparks crackled, and a warm glow engulfed the pair. The tail end of it twitched, scarring the ground with burning embers as it slid across the forest floor.

“You will not win this. You’re people will never win this battle. It’s about time you all smartened up to that fact.” The young man spat.

The woman barked a harsh laugh. He must have been new.

phurst · 04-04-2008, 05:43 PM

Other than leaving the font codes in, it was well done. There are one or two 'ed things missing but it was well written.

JMStone · 04-04-2008, 05:48 PM

hehe, thanks! I didn't realize they were left in at first until I looked a second later. I think I cleared it up now? At least it looks fixed on my screen.
Glad you enjoyed!

Jade M · 04-06-2008, 07:20 AM

(Bits in red I suggest you remove)
(Comments are in green)
(Blue are bits I suggest you add in)

Quote:

The deep darkness of the wood had engulfed the form of an already shrouded woman. A faint ambient light was cast briefly from the moon above, allowing for little visibility on her path. The underbrush was thick here, but her feet did not tangle in it(—her vision was quite good at night) You don't have to spell it out, if she isn't tripping over we assume she can see something. She could see the vague darkened shapes of trees looming before her and the outline of fallen, moss-covered logs. The heavy musky (These two words are quite similar, only use one) odor of the forest was almost overpowering. Her lips pulled into a slightly twisted grin as her mind found what it had been waiting for. She stopped before the edge of a clearing, standing noiselessly and still; her ears straining against the unnatural silence.

A sudden shock of white light shot past the woman. The beam continued forward for just another instant before it made contact with a nearby pine. There was a violent explosion against the tree and the light quickly fell into a cloud of shimmering dust before disappearing completely. The aftershock sent an audible tremble through the forest before it grew silent once again. The stiff night air seemed to grow, if possible, more still. Not a sound met the woman’s ears as she stood motionless, breath bated(,)(and) her mouth suddenly dry (This bit sounds a bit awkward with the comma, try an 'and'), waiting for the crack of a branch—movement from the forest.

They were here. (Nice.)

She had expected it. Not knowing exactly when they would show themselves; but she had seen them coming all along, of course. Her hands slid lithely to a thick leather belt between which two jet-black daggers were hidden. Her fingers traced their familiar outline—relishing in the warmth that spread across the smooth once-cold stone by her very touch. A sly smile tugged at the corner of her lips as she scanned the pitch black woods before her.

“Very sneaky…” she almost purred to the night air.

The laugh of a humorless man echoed hollowly as he made his way swiftly through the trees and into the clearing. “She told us you’d know.” He had appeared as suddenly as his jet of light, stepping silently toward the tall outline of the woman. The clouds above parted momentarily, shedding a soft glow upon the man’s calloused appearance. His face was pulled taught (Hmm I know what you mean but I don't know if you spell it like that, but I can't spell it either xD)—his skin looked weathered and pockmarked against the shadows. He had deep brown eyes that reflected eerily-red in the light. But through his disgusted tone there was an underlying sound of what was unmistakably awe. The woman who stood before him was nothing short of extraordinary. He knew that. He had been told what she was capable of, but he had never been able to witness it himself. A part of him was excited, the other terrified, knowing that there was a good chance he might not make it out alive.

One wrong move was all it would take.

Alright, I've gone through and made a few suggestions. An overall suggestion would be to cut down on the descriptions of darkness in the first few chapters, we know it's dark, a subtle reminder every now and then would be fine but you don't need to go into detail.

Overall, good writing, I particuarly liked the description of the battle scene, and your MC is interesting, along with the storyline.

TheLastShadow · 04-06-2008, 12:26 PM

Apart from the things Jade suggested, I think it's a good opening. It's well written and does jump straight into the story which is definately a plus. Well done.