Summerhaze

It had been a week. Taylor and Austin were looking quite chummy in the halls, and apparently he and Sheila had broken up as well. I got to school in the morning. The bell was minutes from ringing. I walked up the stairs and took a turn. My backpack swung with my body. I looked at my feet and shuffled about. I looked up and right in front of me, just a short distance down the hallway was Taylor. I gain speed and kept my eyes on her. As much as I thought we shouldn’t be in a relationship, I still wanted to be friends. I was steps away from her locker, when Austin came around the other corner. He had some books in his hands and a smile on his face. I took a quick curve around them, pretending that I didn’t notice them together.

That hurt. I got down the hallway and looked around my shoulder. Austin was reaching over her shoulder, slipping his books into her locker. She smiled at him and blushed as he knowingly got closer to her. With his head just inches behind her shoulder I kept close attention to his eye line. HE LOOKED AT HER ASS! Fucker.

My head was around for a significant amount of time. It was inevitable that I’d bump into someone. My bag dropped from my shoulder, and I nearly lost balance. I could see that their books had fallen from their hands and spread out among the floor. I dropped myself, picking up my backpack, slinging it around my shoulder, and gathering up a few of their papers. I know that this seems a little cliche, but it did actually happen. When I looked up, handing the papers over, I saw a beautiful brunet, small button nose, and thin lips. It was Sheila, as you probably expected.

She looked at me and smile. Her eyes glassed over, and her cheeks rosied up. I almost thought she was going to kiss me. And godamnit I wanted to kiss her. It was probably just out of jealousy.

"Hey." I said, stammering a little.

"Hey." She said. Her cheeks grew redder. I have to admit that I was quite flattered.

"What’s up?"

"Nuthin, just going to class." She nervously giggled.

"Oh! What about you?"

"Same thing, just goin to class."

"Yeah, of course." She looked around, waiting for something to happen, I could think of anything else I could say, anything else I could ask. She nodded her head.

"Yeah, well I guess I should go." She said.

"Yeah, me too." I took a step around her, but she came in like she was going to give me a hug. It was awkward, and we didn’t end up hugging.

After class I gather up my belongings and left the room. My locker was right beside the door. I spun in my combination, 43, 26, 5. I pulled, but it didn’t budge. I twisted the dial around a couple times and retried. 43, 26, 5. This time it slipped open. I curled the ring out from the slot, and hooked it around the rim of my pocket. I grabbed my coat and threw it on, adjusting my collar. I exchanged a few books in my locker, slipped them in my backpack, and slammed the metal door shut. I hooked the lock back into the slot and clicked it in.

Usually I would walk home with Taylor, but not today, not after the breakup. I popped in my headphones and pressed play. I guess it was at the end of a song because all I could hear was the fading out of a guitar. I reached in my pocket and tried to press the skip button, but instead I pressed the play/pause one. My headphones went silent. In confusion I reached into my pocket to pull out my iPod. Every few seconds I would looked up. I wouldn’t want to run into someone else.

Taylor and Austin were walking in front of me. It couldn’t have been too serious between them. We’d only been broken up for a week, and we had dated for three years. Of course she would need some time, but as I watched them walking home, my heart sunk beep into my body. A few giggles here and there, and smiles on both their faces. I watched in terror as they humbly grasped each other’s hands.

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phurst

I forgot, in part one you slipped in a couple pieces of toast. Should be bread to toast.
3rd para, too expected and I had to read it twice to get the gist that you had actually run into someone. Perhaps run into something or someone and have Sheilh notice and you be embarassed. check your tenses. I have seen 2 places the need 'ed. and some that need 'ed deleted.

Tiamat10

Overall, this is pretty decent for a teen book, but you're a little heavy on the commas. You don't need a comma for every single conjunction, only for the long sentences that are also interrupted with lots of dependent clauses.

Like:
Mark went to the store and bought a bag of chips. No comma.

Mark's mother asked him to go to the store, so he went and bought a bag of chips. Comma.

See the difference?

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“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." --Red Smith

Summerhaze

Yeah thanks man.
I do tend to go a little comma crazy.
But I guess I'd rather have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

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