F5iver

F5iver

joifulartist84

I really enjoyed reading this and I hope there's more to the story. It was one of those stories that you forget you're reading. The "nodules" bit was a good addition the first time, made better by its second use at the end of the narrative. If not, it's kind of an abrupt ending. I found it mildly humorous but nothing laugh-out-loud. Not sure what you were going for there.

I couldn't think of anything to critique at first, but after I came back to it I did. Your opening sentence could be much stronger. "The facts are these" bothers me.

Celeste reacts very calmly to an alien in her living room; either there's a further explanation needed or it's just not very "realistic" of her. Eloise has an explanation for her indifference, give Celeste one. I'd also love to know more about Buxram and why he's implanting people. Maybe that's coming up, and if so, add a disclaimer at the beginning or something.

My personal opinion: I'd like a little more description. Not a lot because your story reads well without it. But because you're dealing with aliens and weird situations, descriptions - even sketchy ones - could help.

__________________
Salutations from my corner of the universe,
Joi


"Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth."- Stephen Hawking

F5iver

Thank you so much for commenting.

The background for this story is that it is for a contest, which determined the genre and theme. It also has a strict word count, which I am 1 word shy of.

That explains the profound lack of description, beyond the idea that I wanted it to sound more like someone just going over the facts with no flowery descriptions. Most of my prose is quite melancholy if not downright grim, so this is quite a departure for my writing, but closer to who I am as a person.

You are right about Celeste's lack of surprise. I think she'll voice that she knew it all along, or to that effect, once I can figure out which 10 or so words to cut, since that dreaded word count is hovering on top of me.

Thanks again.